Spoiler Alert:

I shall be revisiting Apartment 1303, checking out its room and scouring every square meter of its premise to see if it’s real estate or just a dump. So read on only if you’ve already seen Apartment 1303, or don’t plan to.

“Stop me, before I act again!”

0:03:53 Mischa Barton (as Lara Slate) - who would have a super sexy voice if she were a man - lives with her mum, Rebacca De Mornay (from Mother’s Day). The younger sister, a bird called Janet (Julianne Michelle), is moving out. After seeing Mischa and Rebecca act, I can understand why.

0:06:20 Scarier than the noises Janet’s building makes are the size of her lips. Can you imagine seeing those in 3D!? The horror.

Inflate to 1013psi

0:07:14 Creepy child in a school girl’s uniform who looks like a ghost, loiters like a ghost and acts like a vegetable.

0:08:35 From the way Janet’s behaving in flat #1303, seems she signed the rental contract ‘sight-unseen’, like the actresses in this film.

0:09:58 I don’t want to be ‘that chap’ but there’s a photograph of Janet and her sister on the shelf now, and in 30 seconds they’ll show her unpacking it. Also, she talks to herself incessantly, which is annoying and probably the real reason evil spirits assail her.

0:11:18 WTF!? This is hilarious! The lights go out so she uses her mobile for light, but we can see her screen go dark as she holds it in front of her. Yet she continues to walk around, holding it as though it were a spotlight. If you need a laugh today, this is it.

0:12:42 WTF!? She’s opening a bottle of wine that they showed open at 0:10:08. The flat must be haunted by spirits.

0:14:08

Janet: I’m your new neighbours [sic - unless she’s referring to her lips], and I was hoping to borrow a corkscrew. Mine is broken.

Emily: A girl in 1303 jumped off the balcony and died.

Emily is a blunt ghost.

0:15:04 WTF!? Now the photos are gone again. If all these lapses in continuity are an oversight, it’s extremely annoying. If they were done on purpose, they should revoke the director’s poetic license.

What’s wrong with these pictures. They are posted here in order (time code bottom right). Can you find the error in each? Hint: The editor couldn’t!

0:22:01 The ghost of a girl is bouncing a tennis ball while Janet’s trying to sleep. Whom does Janet call? 911? Her police officer boyfriend? Her sister? No, she whimpers until a smoking ghost pushes her against a wall. Fortunately, her lips act like air bags for her face.

0:23:30 The next morning she blames her attack and bruised face on her sleeping pills, because the label reads a possible side effect could be sleep walking. Julianne Michelle no doubt wishes she had read the script with such close attention.

0:27:33 Worst mother-daughter dispute in the history of cinema. Maybe Rebecca De Mornay really is drinking her way through this one.

0:29:49 Janet brings her boyfriend, Mark (a police officer who isn’t the least bit curious about the bruise on her face), back to the flat. A new addition to the shelf is a modern art sculpture representing penetration.

Statue-tory rape

0:31:32 A rough sex scene, and by ‘rough’, I mean for me to watch.

0:32:13 A ghost is banging her head repeatedly against the window. She must’ve witnessed the sex scene, as well.

0:33:46 There’s a stinky wench sitting in the shower with all of her clothes on in the middle of the night. Mark (Corey Sevier) has left to be with a girl who goes by ‘Ex’ on his mobile. Like his sexual intercourse, this nickname would seem a little premature.

0:33:51 It’s after midnight and Emily is still parading in the halls in her schoolgirl uniform. Meanwhile, the ghost is throwing Janet off the balcony while Mark is downstairs, busy leaving.

0:35:23 Janet dies like Superman flies. Able to fall off buildings in a single bound.

“I hope I land on my lips!”

0:35:53 Mark and Emily are left to pick up the pieces. #literally

0:36:59

Lara (to Mark): You sure as hell didn’t look after her.

WTF!? This from the bird who refused to let Janet, her own sister, come to stay at her mum’s house the night she died. Lara is high and mighty. Mischa Barton is just high.

0:39:52 Taking a long walk through Janet’s flat, complete with the sounds of fly buzzing, bird flapping and ghost sighing. Lara doesn’t seem too upset or distraught over her sister’s suicide. Watch this excerpt and then you tell me.

Take Our Poll

0:42:01

There is nothing anywhere near 3D about this performance. Mischas the world over are apologizing. #flat

0:46:22 There was nearly a shred of something interesting when Lara tried to suffocate her mum with a pillow case, but it turned out to be just a dream sequence. Like Lara, we can all go back to sleep.

0:47:10 Nice scene when Lara’s mobile rings and the caller ID says is Janet, who then says she’s lonely and wants Lara to come live with her. Creepy, but would be even creepier if we didn’t wonder why Lara’s name changes to Laura midway through the film.

Her mind is a blank canvas

0:48:30 Lara decides to get dressed and go to the flat in the middle of the night. The ghost of her sister is there waiting, and pulls Lara into bed with her. Not in the good way. At least would have been truly scary.

0:49:38

Lara: Someone was in the apartment and attacked me in the bedroom.

Police officer: Male or female?

Lara: Look, I didn’t see anybody. It was like a force.

Police: A force? What do you mean?

Lara: I don’t know. I got thrown against the wall.

Police: For whatever it’s worth, let me give you a little history on this place.

WTF!?

0:52:07 We learn that the original ghost was called Mary and that she died in a closet and when the smell got bad enough the Health Department investigated. Maybe this is why the toilet is a key element in Apartment 1303. When they arrived, Mary’s daughter, Jennifer, jumped to her death.

When the spirit moves

0:52:51 WTF!? The police officer leaves his original dossier with Lara after he departs? Seems the only thing he knows how to file is his nails.

0:53:18 I love that they have a Japanese convenience store in the lobby of the run down block of flats. ‘Love’ = ‘Don’t understand’

1:06:28 Lol, Janet appears in the bath while Lara is soaking and they use CGI soap bubbles to hide Lara’s boobs. Sorry Al!

“The bubbles are attacking my boobies!”

1:09:36 Maddie (Rebecca de Mornay) singing ‘Cemetery Valentine’ to her dead daughter.

1:11:84 The rotting flesh in the closet hammock is drawing flies and Mark is the only one who doesn’t notice the smell. This explains why men don’t wear deodorant.

1:12:15 The ghost of your sister manifests in your room and tells you that you must leave at once, before the other ghosts kill you. Do you really then start arranging your clothes? Is this what it would take for me to tidy my flat?

1:17:26 The ghost pushes Mark through a glass door and he sits down dead.

Getting up on the wrong side of bed, literally

1:18:35 The perv landlord was also a ghost. I didn’t catch that. Maddie didn’t either. She’s here for a little comic relief.

1:19:03 The ghost pushes Maddie, who falls forward onto the knife Lara’s holding. I was right about the comedy.

1:20:33

Apartments don’t kill people. People kill people.

Lara is being led away, under arrest, but this film is the real crime.

1:21:24 No explanation of the building manager ghost or Emily the Catholic schoolghost, or why this film was made.

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

WTF!?’s: 9 flat ones
When to Follow: If you’re trying to introduce a 12-year-old to the concept of horror films, this may be the film for you. They’ll understand the principle, but will still be able to sleep like a baby.
What To Feedback: Answer the above poll about Lara’s trauma. Additionally, here’s the answer key to the photo quiz from 0:15:04.