Spoiler Alert:

I shall be cutting into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, slicing it’s separate pieces, and chopping each part into tiny bytes to determine if it’s Pie in the Sky or just cheesy. So read on only if you’ve already seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or don’t plan to.

The Tortoise and the Hair

0:00:06 Starts off with a view of the pre-911 New York skyline. An innocent time, when “the twins” didn’t (necessarily) mean breasts.

0:01:05 A crime wave surfed by teens floods the city.

0:02:58 April O’Neil (Judith Hoag), whom I would recognize from the comics if I’d read them, is attacked by the pubescent gang (The Cribs? Heck’s Angels? Yakazoo?).

Her jacket is a rape prevention device

0:03:57 A street light is knocked out and when car headlamps shine on the scene seconds later, the criminals are tied up. The special effects so far consist of sounds and darkness.

0:04:32 April picks up a trident type weapon one of the turtles left behind. In the sewer, Raphael is none too happy. Perhaps because he lives in a sewer.

0:05:18 Our first look at the Turtles. Honestly? Not bad costumes for pre-CGI. Better, far better, then the music. Then again, diarrhoea on an ass ride to the bottom of the Grand Canyon is better then the soundtrack.

Making the turtle sauce

0:05:33 Drinking game: every time a turtle uses the word ‘awesome’, take a drink. Trust me, if you don’t, you’ll wish you had.

0:05:57

Gimme 3!

One of the Turtles

Because the Turtles don’t have five fingers.

0:06:47 A dog  (is it a dog? It looks as though it’s meant to be a dog — mea culpa, I’ve just discovered Splinter is a rat) is the leader of the Turtles and tells them that they must live in the shadows because no one would understand them. Like English royalty.

0:06:57 The trident knife is a ‘Sai‘. Who – other than me – said Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles isn’t educational?

A heavy sai

0:08:22 Ninjas dancing to ‘Tequila’.

0:11:08

“Augh! Where do they come up with this stuff?”

Raphael references Critters after seeing it in the cinema

My guess would be, “In the same sewer they found you.”

0:12:23 You know who misses the 90s? Elias Koteas. He misses the 90s like he misses his hair.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

He plays Casey Jones, a sports vigilante who makes horrible jokes and teaches Raphael a lesson. But not about bad jokes - Raphael already has that mastered.

0:15:58 Charles, the station manager and April’s boss, is a ‘business man’ who is less realistic than the Turtles. He visits April with his son, Danny, a teenager who listens to a Walkman and belongs to teen mafia. #mamafia

0:17:43 WTF!? Michelangelo is in love with April? How does that even work? If she falls in love with him, is that not bestiality? How do turtles have sex? Don’t they die if they get on their backs?

“Ooh, you’re so hard.”

0:17:55 Darth Vader is in this film and wants to kill April because she refers to the Foot Clan while interviewing the police chief. Or maybe he’s upset his gang’s name reeks. Darth Hater (The Shredder) must be the king of foot fetishists. Did you hear about the blind foot fetishist? He got off on the wrong foot.

0:18:24 Charles’ son is arrested, and not just his development this time.

0:19:08 WTF!? No one recognizes Raphael as a giant freak, because he wears a hat and a coat? Honestly, look at this screen cap and tell me if you would wonder what kind of being this was if you were to see it in the city.

Under Cover – as Kermit the Frog

0:20:07 Naked turtles fighting ninjas in nylons who spank a blonde in a PVC raincoat… TMNT is Rule 34 incarnal.

0:22:52 Splinter tells April where Turtles come from.

0:27:07 WTF!? April is an investigative journalist who isn’t even tempted to write an article about giant turtles who can speak because they were exposed to industrial waste!?

0:28:04 While the Turtles were partying with April, someone came by their sewer, kidnapped Splinter and trashed their dump.

0:29:24 Charles asks April to drop the teen crime rash story because he made a deal with the police chief to secure his son’s release. She refuses. It’s not as though anything else of interest has popped up lately…

“Why, yes, I am sloppy seconds. How did you know?”

0:32:51 The leader of the lost boys (Toshishiro Obata as ‘Tatsu’) teaches them a lesson by kicking one lad’s arse. Maybe the lesson should be: don’t follow a grown man who has to cheat to beat up a child.

0:35:08 Darth Faker (The Shredder) arrives to a lot of drums and gives one kid a nylon mask and tells everyone it’s an honour to wear the dragon Doogie. I don’t know if I’d wear it, but I know I’ve stepped in it a number of times.

0:35:16

This is your family. I am your father.

Darth Vader imitator

He certainly is a bad man. He just robbed Star Wars blind.

Breath Gaurd: When your mouth stinks as bad as your movie

0:45:46 It’s an assuredly long fight scene. The kind of fight scene where it’s good to spend a penny (take a leak, for you yanks). Casey Jones arrives and sets April’s father’s antique store on fire, but even she can’t be bothered to care.

0:46:55 Which might be a good thing because she was just sacked by her boss, who bowed to police pressure. She’s big with Turtles, though, so that should count for next to nothing.

They call this pose ‘Waiting for Meagan Fox’

0:47:44 Danny witnesses the damage he has caused, so he will betray the Foot and be redeemed. But will he pay for the shop? [Yes, at the end of the film he passes her a $20 bill. He was sorry, but not that sorry.]

0:52:01 Casey and April bicker so that we know they’re in love. A lesson for kids that love is dysfunctional.

0:53:36 Raphael is near death so they keep him in the bathtub. Shouldn’t they call a veterinarian?

0:58:20 Michaelangelo has his first lesson in human sex when he walks in on this.

1:00:37 The Turtles have a meditation session and contact the spirit of Splinter. Over an open flame, which is the best way to cook a rat.

Turtle on the half shell

1:03:02 They decide to leave the country house because it’s too big, comfortable, and offers privacy for 4 giant turtles. Instead, the return to their sewer, where Casey complains about the accommodations. WTF!? He wasn’t even invited!

1:04:08

Donatello: You’re a claustrophobic.

Casey: You want a fist in the mouth? I’ve never even looked at another guy before.

WTF!? This is offensive on so many levels. First, as a gay man I find his anger mildly insulting, but, more importantly, this exchange offends my  intellect. Casey confuses ‘claustrophobic’ with ‘homosexual’. Isn’t ‘claustrophobic’ closer to ‘homophobic’? Which he is, so there’s no need to be offended. This is sadly typical of the banter thrown about this film like slop.

The turtles read their film reviews

1:04:49 Danny runs away from home and sleeps with the Turtles for the night (a cautionary tail). He also asks April for one of her sketches. It’s either for inspiration while he experiments with his puberty, or he’s going to expose the Turtles, so they come out of their shells.

1:07:52 Danny goes to visit Splinter. WTF!? The rat isn’t dead? So all that tripe at the bonfire about his last words just meant his last words of that conversation?

1:08:19

1:11:28 The Shredder is an arch enemy who killed the rat’s master back in Japan. He finds the sketch so knows the Turtles are back. WTF!? How can he know where the Turtles are by looking at a sketch of them in a different location?

Proof turtles have a vagina

1:14:57

I’ll never call golf a dull game again.

Casey, after he hits Tatsu with a golf club

I include this joke only so that you might appreciate mine a little more.

1:16:43

Michelangelo: Hey, Donald, looks like this one is suffering from shell shock.

Donatello: Too derivative.

Michaelangelo: Boy, I guess we can really shell it out.

Donatello: Too cliché.

Michaelangelo: Well, it was a shell of a good hit.

Donatello: I like it!

My writing is looking better and better, isn’t it?

1:17:19

1:18:46

You fight well, in the old style. But you’ve caused me enough trouble. Now you face The Shredder.

In the sequel, will the have to face The Stapler?

1:23:30 The rat defeats the Robo Sucky (Oroko Saki / The Shredder), who falls to his death into Casey’s garbage truck. Casey then puts The Shredder’s ridiculous moniker into action.

“Splinter? I didn’t even know ‘er!”

1:24:42:

Charles: Are you OK, Danny?

Danny: It’s all right, dad. I’m OK, really. I’m OK. And dad? It’s just ‘Dan’ now, OK?

Charles: Dan?

Big father-son hug bonding over all the WTF!?

1:26:31 The wayward youth (Sam Rockwell from Iron Man 2) sends the police to their warehouse hideout because he’s decided to give prison a go. April gets her reporter job back, so she tells Casey to kiss her because they’re the only humans who live in sewage with turtles.

His mind’s in the gutter

1:26:50

All right, April! All right, Casey! That’s the way to go!

What talking turtles say when they see you kiss someone.

1:26:51 This scene sums up everything wrong with the film.

From bad special effects to bad dialogue to bad acting all starting from a bad idea.

1:27:55 Roll credits to a horrendous song. This will give hip hop a bad rap.

When you stand for what you believe in,
and find the strength to do what’s right,
that’s TURTLE POWER!

I think this song should be made the United States’ National Anthem.

For all of the lyrics (including “This is serious so give me a quarter. I was a witness, get me a reporter!”), please scroll down to the bottom of this post.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 9 hard cases
• When to Follow: Saturday morning should be the only time people are legally permitted to watch this.
• What To Feedback:

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

This video from 0:26:05 is so bad it literally makes me cringe.

Turtle Sauce

“Hey! Check it out, Leo’s got back!”

Product placement for turtle sex toys

Turtles dancing the Can’t-Can’t

Why turtles move so slowly

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of another film that bites

Fernby Films better review of a better film

Booze Revooze of a another childish effort

Lyrics to “T-U-R-T-L-E Power!” by James P. Alpern and Richard A. Usher Jr.

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! POWER

On the half shell, they’re the heroes four.
In this day and age who could ask for more?
The crime wave is high with muggings mysterious.
All police and detectives are furious.
‘Cause they can’t find the source,
Of this lethally evil force.
This is serious so give me a quarter.
I was a witness, get me a reporter!
Call April O’Neil in on this case, and
You’d better hurry up, there’s no time to waste!
We need help, like quick, on the double.
Have pity on the city, man it’s in trouble!
We need heroes like the Lone Ranger.
When Tonto came pronto, when there was danger.
They didn’t say they’d be there in half an hour,
‘Cause they displayed…Turtle Power!

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! POWER

Now our ace reporter was hot on the trail.
Determined to put these crooks in jail.
She spied the bad guys and saw what happened,
But before she knew it, she fell in a trap and got caught.
Yeah, she was all alone.
With no friends, and no phone.
Now this was beyond her worst dreams,
‘Cause she was cornered by some wayward teens.
Headed by Shredder they were anything but good,
Misguided, unloved, they called them The Foot.
They could terrorize and be angry youth, and
They mugged the people. Who needed proof?
Then from out of the dark came an awesome sound!
Shouted “Cowabunga!” as they hit the ground.
From the field of weeds the heroes rescued the flower,
‘Cause they possessed…Turtle Power!

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles POWER

When you stand for what you believe in,
and find the strength to do what’s right,
that’s, TURTLE POWER!

Heroes on the half shell, they’re on a mission.
When there’s a battle got the enemy wishin’.
That they stayed at home, instead of fightin’.
These ninja masters with moves like lightnin’.
They were once normal, but now they’re mutants.
Splinter’s the teacher so they are the students.
Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello,
make up the team with one other fellow,
Raphael. He’s the leader of the group,
Transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop.
Pizza’s the food that’s sure to please,
These ninjas are into pepperoni and cheese.
Back to the story, it’s not hard to find.
Ninjas not just of the body but of the mind.
Those are the words that their master instructed,
But a letter from Shredder had Splinter abducted.
That was the last straw, spring into action.
Step on The Foot, now they’re gonna lose traction.
Now this is for real, so you fight for justice.
Your shell is hard so you shout; “They can’t dust us off!
Like some old coffee table.”
Since you were born you’ve been willing and able,
to defeat the sneak, protect the weak,
Fight for rights and your freedom to speak.
Now the villain is chillin’ so you make a stand.
Back to the wall, put your sword in you hand.
Remember the words of your teacher, your master:
“Evil moves fast, but good moves faster!”
Then light, shining from your illumination:
Good versus Evil equals confrontation.
So when you’re in trouble don’t give in and go sour,
Try to rely on YOUR…Turtle Power

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Power! POWER