Spoiler Alert:

I shall be revamping Transformers: Age of Extinction, analysing its transitions and studying its reconstruction to see if it’s transformative or just spare changes. So read on only if you’ve already seen Transformers: Age of Extinction, or don’t plan to.

Watch Transformers: Age of Extinction here

Transformers Age of Extinction 02 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Looks like they all have it

0:02:18 ‘Twas Transformers that made the dinosaurs extinct. Shall we blame them for Blackberry as well?

0:03:32 Darcy Tirrel (Sophia Myles) goes to’ The Arctic’ to see a metal T-Rex skeleton left over from the attack at the beginning of the film.

History’s about to change.

I hope we can avoid telemarketers this time.

0:03:48 Nice music in Texas. [The song is "All for You" by Imagine Dragons]

Transformers Age of Extinction 03 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Al K Hall wishes he could remember Chicago

[Comicbook.com describes what happens if you dial the number on the billboard.]

0:06:26 Say what you will about this film (I know I will), but the cinematography is gorgeous. That said, WTF!? How does a giant lorry get stuck in a cinema?

Transformers Age of Extinction 04 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Drive-in Movie

0:07:12 The casting agent did a great job of finding the only four skinny teenage girls left in the US.

0:08:08 Telly news for exposition. The entire 3 hours of Transformers: Dark of the Moon told in 3 seconds. The government has stopped all cooperation with the Autobots. Meaning they treat the Autobots like the rest of us now.

0:08:44 Some Autobots were given sanctuary and all but a few Decepticons were eliminated by the CIA (in Operation ‘Cemetery Wind’) with the same playing card manoeuvre used by the U.S. army during the Iraq war. The deck was stacked against them, and I ain’t playin’.

0:13:38 A lot of time is spent showing us how poor Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) and his family are. They live in rural Texas, need they say more?

0:19:32 Politicians are no longer working with Autobots but they are working with Lockdown, who is another robot. Not sure I see the logic, but then ‘military intelligence’ is an oxymoron.

0:20:22 Kelsey Grammer plays CIA operative Harold Attinger, and not even the head of the CIA wants to know what Harold’s doing. That’s how Top Secret the mission is. Lol and WTF!? A secret from the head of the CIA itself? Try telling your boss this tomorrow, “Sorry, boss, I can’t tell you what I’m working on as I’ve decided it’s a secret project.”

BTW, Kelsey hates Optimus Prime. #badgrammer

0:22:52

Transformers Age of Extinction 05 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Our pet maggot / giant tampon / albino turd

0:26:32 Honestly, I like this movie so far. Like a Transformer, when it moves along it kicks arse and when it’s slow, it still looks good and shiny.

0:27:16

Cade: You signed it [an employment contract] and now you’re competing. Any idea of yours is mine. Any thought you have, I own it. So, basically, I own you.

Lucas (T.J. Miller): I don’t think you can own someone. That was like a while ago, even in Texas.

0:28:24 Optimus Prime turns himself on (been there, done that).

0:29:48 Robots sneeze. If he has a cold, maybe he needs antifreeze.

Transformers Age of Extinction 06 GIF Bless You (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“Hasbro bless you.”

0:30:46

Attinger: On this planet, we have a saying, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”

Lockdown: I also have a saying: I don’t care.

That’s a real muscle car.

0:38:46 The CIA arrive at Cade’s house and threaten to kill Tessa (Cade’s daughter, played by Nicola Peltz) so Optimus steps up and kills some agents. Meanwhile, Cade, Tessa and Lucas are rescued by a bloke named Shane Dyson (Jack Reynor, Tessa’s boyfriend) driving a rally race car. We’ve seen it all before, this time in the trailer.

Transformers Age of Extinction 07 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Baby you can drive my car…but not by yourself

0:42:07

Shane: I don’t know how I’m driving this good. It’s like today I’ve taken it to a whole other level.

Maybe because you don’t go to school. #well

0:42:18 Lucas confesses to turning Optimus Prime in for the $100,000 bounty, making Lucas a money-loving, disloyal narc. Predictable, yet out of character.

0:45:28 Lucas died and there was much not caring. He was turned into a metal statue – immortalized. At least he would be if any journalists decided to do a story on a car chase involving local and federal police officers while two giant robots fight on the rooftops and the entire skyline is alive with the sound of explosions. But they’re too busy covering the Kardashians, I suppose.

0:47:34 The government believe Lockdown is chasing only the Deceptions. This secret is surprisingly easy to keep. Either Americans are dumb, or this movie is.

0:50:40

Probing the depths of Texan Culture

0:54:21 Is that John Goodman as Hound, a robot that smokes cigars? WTF!?

Transformers Age of Extinction 08 GIF Smoking robot (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

The engine is smoking

0:58:12 Stanley Tucci as Joshua Joyce, the head of the evil corporation. Let’s hope they give him less wood than they did John Malkovich when they hung him on a cross and crucified him in the last Transformers.

0:59:42 The robots are made of a programmable metal called ‘Transformium’. I’m reminded I’m too old for this movie.

1:13:55 The Autobots infiltrate KSI (Joshua Joyce’s company) and conduct an unfriendly takeover. The government decides to riposte with the new and improved, man-made bots. WTF!? I’m impressed they have a full crew at the commands ready to operate these. I wish my job was sitting in a chair for hours on end, doing nothing at all, simply waiting for something to happen.

Wait, I’m a blogger, that is my job.

1:16:48 The government assformers (Galvatron — who is really Megatron rein-car-nated — and crew) are malfunctioning and killing innocent civilians. You can’t spell ‘governmental’ without ‘mental’.

1:20:28

#respect

1:22:37 Optimus is victim of a factory recall and Tessa is in the car that’s being pulled into the spacecraft with him.

1:27:52 Lockdown gave a ‘Seed’ (Transformer power device) to the humans in exchange for Optimus Prime. As the humans did nothing to capture Optimus — Lockdown captured him single robot-armedly — it was a good deal for us.

1:35:54 Cade rescues his daughter but she thanks Shane, who panicked and tried to surrender. I thought Shane was meant to be Irish, not French.

1:36:41

Ah nuts, it’s just shizzle.

Hound, when a captive vagina alien sprays him

Now I know how to say ‘semen’ in the universal language.

Transformers Age of Extinction 10 Vagina Monster (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Clap Trap

1:38:26 The scene where Mark, Shane and Tessa escape the spaceship by climbing down the anchor cables is making me afraid of heights and tickling my insides.

1:43:28 So much product placement. It’s making me sick and I didn’t even drink it.

1:47:38 The Seed is a device that turns organic life into Transformer metal. #FleshLight

1:48:02 Interesting. After the first battle against Lockdown, there’ll be a second climax against Galvatron, who wants to destroy a city with his seed and use the metal to make an army and take over the world. Two climaxes are always better than one.

1:49:52 The Asian Transformer has a yellow face?

1:55:14

My brothers, today I grant you your freedom, and from now on you are commanded by me.

Galvatron

WTF!?

1:58:21

Cocked Brony

#Brony

2:05:24

I may have started the apocalypse, but you brought your family. That’s terrible parenting.

Joshua to Cade while they elude the bad robots

2:09:34 Cade, a farmer/tinkerer, not only disarms but also beats up and then kills a trained CIA operative? WTF!? This is what happens when Democrats have the White House.

2:13:19 Optimus awakens Dinobots from the beginning of the film to enlist their aid, but one of them attacks Optimus. Truthfully, I often react similarly when someone awakens me, and I haven’t been sleeping for 70 million years.

2:13:34

2:17:50 Epic battle between Autobots and the Bad Robots. I honestly don’t understand why people complain about action films with too much action.

2:21:34 The Seed activates.

Joshua: It’s a steady, blinking light which could be a timer of some kind, unless it’s signalling location.

Cade: To who?

To your grammar teacher, hopefully. #whom

2:23:28 The enemy space ship picks up a great deal of metal debris (cars and busses) to deposit in the path of our heroes who are trying to protect the Seed. The enemy is taking a literal dump and dropping it on the good guys.

Transformers Age of Extinction 15 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

The Titanic 2: The Titanic Returns

2:24:02 My question is, why would a Transformer ever want to be a vehicle? Why don’t they just remain in Autobot form? What good does being in vehicle form do for them? If you have any ideas, I’d love to hear them in the Comments.

2:26:16 The space ship was pulling up the Seed using the giant magnet and then suddenly stopped and dropped everything? WTF!? The plan was too successful?

2:30:26 CIA honcho Attinger has been trying to kill Yeager for more than half the film. Now that he can take Yeager out simply by pulling the trigger, he decides to preach to him instead. Optimus then takes the chance to kill Attinger, before Attinger can kill Yeager, who only joined the fight to protect Optimus. The WTF has gone nuclear.

Transformers Age of Extinction 16 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Transformer’s don’t get angry, they blow a fuse

2:33:19 The family that kills Lockdown together, stays together. For a sequel.

2:34:11 Galvatron/Megatron:

We shall meet again, Prime, for I am reborn.

#BigBaby

2:36:19 A good laugh to end on.

Yeager: Will we ever see you again?

Optimus Prime: Cade Yeager, I do not know. But whenever you look to the stars, think of one of them… as my soul.

Roll credits

2:45:07 The two songs in the credits are “Battle Cry” and “All for You“, both by Imagine Dragons.

Tally Ho’

WTF!?’s: 10 Prime ones
When to Follow: Saturday afternoon with popcorn and a lobotomy. The first one to think, loses.
Where’s This Found: Out of a possible 10, I have 6 F’s to give

6 F's 139pt

What To Feedback: In the comment section, please be so kind as to let me know why a Transformer would ever want to be a car. Why don’t they just spend their entire time as Autobots / Decepticons?

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator