Spoiler Alert:
I shall be fishing for clues to Outcast, examining its hooks and throwing out its lines to see if it’s a reel good catch or if it’s just fishy. So read on only if you’ve already seen Outcast, or don’t plan to.
Unlike the horse, Hayden is out of his depth
0:01:16 I’d forgotten Hayden Christensen is in this! In this battle with Nicolas Cage for worse actor, Hayden is off to a good start as he speaks ‘olde tyme English’…but only every other word.
0:01:39 The film begins in the Middle East in the 12th century, in a time before good acting and decent screen writing.
0:02:48 Slow motion scene of crusaders killing Middle Easterns. The filming is a tribute to 300, by which I mean stolen. This is Nicolas Cage’s second film to be set in the Crusades (the first being Season of the Witch). It’s as though he’s on a crusade against good taste.
[Note: At the end of this battle scene, passing reference is made to a pile of dead female locals. Gallain (Nicolas Cage) turns away in disgust, believing Jacob (Hayden Christensen) and his men are responsible. As a result, the two part ways and don’t speak again until the 1-hour mark of this film.]
“Hey, we have cross hairs on our chests!”
0:09:08 After defeating the heathens, the film jumps three years and lands in a steamy pile of WTF!? (Why The Far-east!?).
0:10:04 A dying king (Shi Liang as ‘The King’ – whose character name should give you an idea of the creativity that went into this piece of script) passes down the power to his youngest son (Ji Ke Jun Yi as ‘Mei’ – pronounced ‘Meh’), who’s an early Asian tween hippie. The old man does this behind the back of his older son (Andy On as ‘Shing’), who’s a psychopath and in charge of the army. No, I can’t see anything wrong with that plan. TIL everyone spoke English in 12th century China.
0:15:42 The warrior son kills his ailing father for refusing to give up the location of the royal seal.
Not a royal circus animal, but the stamp that signifies the bearer is the one, true King. The old king gave it to his little son, who ran away with his his sister (Yifei Liu as ‘Lian’). Like a youngster on a strict ovine diet, the boy is on the lam.
0:16:51 Shing tells everyone his young brother killed their father and absconded with the signet. #Sealnapping
022:49 In a remote inn, the warrior’s guards arrest the young king and princess and steal the seal. Jacob (Hayden Christensen) is there, somehow, high on opium and attacks the guards with his bad performance. They’re helpless and all succumb in a matter of minutes.
0:23:18
Pissed off and on
0:25:01 Jacob says he’ll leave if he can have his sword back. When the leader of the bad guards starts to hand it over, Hayden tosses a spear through his face.
Get my point?
0:25:22 WTF!? After defeating a dozen armed guards and killing the leader with a precision spear throw, Hayden returns to being stoned? Unfortunately for the director (Nick Powell), we’re not as high as Jacob is meant to be.
0:26:24 WTF!? WTF!? WTF!? WTF!? WTF!? Jacob abandons Lian and Mei in front of the Inn, literally at their enemy’s doorstep. All the Black Guard need do now is walk outside and end the film. Yet the evil army decide to wait in the inn – giving the siblings the time to escape – only to spend the rest of the film hunting them down. Maybe it’s a B&B: Bad & Bullshit.
0:28:22 Because of all the killing he did as a warrior, Hayden changes his mind and adopts the baby royalty to protect them. If all else fails, they’ll be able to use his haircut as a distraction.
“I wonder what George Lucas meant by, ‘Never again in a million light years’.”
0:33:26 Jacob saves a little girl and they adopt her like a puppy (Xiaoli, played by Coco Wang – which is also my favourite snack food).
Just horseing around
0:35:36 For those of you interested in the story line, if the little prince arrives at some village for some ceremony with the royal seal then he is automatically King and nothing can be done about it. Thus, Shing wants his brother killed before arriving at said town. Also for those of you interested in the story, I pity you.
0:36:43 Jacob has hash for dinner, and by hash I mean he eats opium.
0:39:32
Shing wants to have the big boy crown
0:41:28 While Jacob teaches Mei to shoot, there’s a flashback to Gallain (Nicolas Cage) teaching Jacob the bow and arrow. If Gallain also taught the little brat how to act, that would explain many of the issues I have with this film.
Hey, boy genius. You forgot the arrow.
0:44:34 The group find themselves in the middle of a desert, where Jacob gives his gold to an Asian Mata Hari (Anoja Dias Bolt as ‘Anika’) who agrees to let them travel with her caravan. No doubt because she’s curious about Jacob’s accent shifting from English to Irish with all the grinding of an American teen learning to drive a manual transmission.
0:48:22 The four stay with Anika and she offers Jacob a brick of opium as big as my ego. He starts in on it and some poisoned wine immediately. He must already be on drugs if he can’t see the conniving betrayal brimming in Anika’s eyes.
0:51:18 WTF!? Jacob wakes up with a hangover from the drugged wine and the opium and can barely stand unless he’s fighting the series guards throwing themselves at him.
“Just a little off the top,” said Jacob the barber-ian
0:55:24 He single-handedly defeats an entire regiment of Chinese guards. Apparently the only fighting they do is to stay awake.
0:56:46 The three younger escapees run through a forest at the edge of the desert (WTF!?) and suddenly their pursuers are set upon by a mysterious outbreak of arrows. Still, our heroes are eventually caught like a cold.
On a ganja run
0:58:51 After fighting and killing over a dozen men, running across town like the Prince of Persia, swimming across a river and rowing to the jungle at the edge of the desert, Jacob decides to start feeling his hangover. Then he meets a group of allies who give him a massage but we don’t know if it, like the film, has a happy ending.
1:00:32 The allied group (which also magically liberated the young trio) is led by Gallain (Nicolas Cage), who arrives just in time for the last third of the film. Apparently the director understood that the easiest way to make a good Nicolas Cage film is to have him in it as little as possible. [See Kick Ass]
The sheer excitement of acting with rocks…and Nic Cage
1:08:12 Gallain learns he’s held a grudge against Jacob for no reason, as the heathen children he’d thought Jacob had killed were killed by their mothers, who then killed themselves. Pity Jacob waited a decade to explain this. Maybe he saw it as a way to avoid contact with Nicolas Cage.
1:09:47 Nicolas Cage and Hayden try to out bad-act each other. Hopefully sick bags will be delivered with the DVD.
1:11:02 Jacob and Lian finally consummate their puppy love with a kiss that looks like snails humping.
1:12:46 Acting isn’t for everyone, but especially not Nicolas Cage.
As bad as his hair
1:17:02 Gallain’s band and Jacob fight the Black Guard with bows and bombs. Frankly, an episode of Arrow is far better and the actors are hotter.
1:20:07 Gallain’s wife dies and he’s as upset as someone who paid to see this film.
1:21:29 WTF!? Look at all the Black Guards that are simply standing around waiting for their turn to be slaughtered. Why wouldn’t they all attack at once instead of standing in a death row?
“Kindly wait until your number’s up.”
1:22:25 Gallain’s death scene is not a minute too soon.
1:25:24 WTF!? Instead of killing his baby brother and ruling the world, Shing decides to fight Jacob for sport? Jacob just can’t lose, no matter how hard he tries.
1:26:54 When Jacob starts to get the upper hand, two of the Black Guard shoot him with arrows. The one general loyal to the king (Byron Lawson as ‘Captain Peng’), and only reluctantly part of Shing’s army, says he’ll kill the next soldier who fires an arrow. Shing shoots him the same look my readers do me when I lay to waste their favourite film.
“I’ll take a stab at this.”
1:27:28 Shing kills his sister because she begins stabbing him. This gives Jacob the energy he needs to kill Shing, because he slept with Lian the night before and wants to return to that hot oven. If he hurries, he might be able to get some warm leftovers.
1:27:47 Shing forgets he outranks General Peng, and so is killed by Jacob before telling his army to ignore what Peng said and shoot all the arrows they like into Jacob.
1:28:44 WTF!? Lian comes back from the dead and tells everyone she’ll be all right? She’s just one big hypochondriac, she is.
“Dear God, why do you let bad films happen to good people?”
1:29:18 Everyone kneels down before the boy emperor because he’s they only one left standing.
1:31:28 Jacob abandons Lian to all this WTF while her brother becomes the leader of the kingdom of WTF.
He’s finished reading this review…and he’s mad because of all the big words
Roll credits
Tally Ho’
- WTF!?’s: 11 derelict ones
- When to Follow: In bed with your tablet, when you’re not in the mood for horror but horrible to fall asleep to.
- Where’s This Found: This film was simply made to penetrate the Chinese audience and garner all their hard earned yuan. I say we do the diplomatic thing and leave it to them. Out of a possible 10, I have 2 F’s to give
- What To Feedback: What is Nicholas Cage’s BEST movie. Yes, there is at least one.
All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator
Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
“Girl, what do you have down there, sandpaper?”
“After this scene, I’ll show you how to thrust your spear.”
Puberty is a hairy experience
Only got into acting becaue he heard he’d do lines
Even his head condom could not contain his dandruff
With only one eye, Gallain’s aim was hit and miss
“A little lower, sis.”
“I had it first!”
A man of his sword
Prints suitable for reposting!
WTF!? do you meme?
What to Follow Up
WTF!? review of an even worse Nicolas Cage film
Hilarious Booze Revooze of another horrid film
Fernby Films looks at another crap film with a different crap actor
If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook!
It’s the easiest — and nicest! — way to say ‘Thank you’.
