Spoiler Alert:
I shall be exploring Kingsman‘s secrets, investigating its file and breaking its code to see if it’s an asset or defect. So read on only if you’ve already seen Kingsman, or don’t plan to.
Any closer and they have a job
0:00:34 Starts off with ‘Money for Nothing‘ on a boom box in the Middle East in 1997. Let’s hope ‘Money for Nothing’ is not a commentary on this film.
0:02:11 During an interrogation in a rebel stronghold, a soldier sacrifices himself on a grenade to save Galahad / Harry Hart (Colin Firth) and some other blokes. Galahad then tells a survivor, “Welcome to Kingsman.” That’s one tough entrance exam.
0:03:47 Harry gives the dead soldier’s widow a medal of honour with a number on the back. If she calls that number and gives the code word, she will be given a favour, the nature of which she’s free to choose. As the favour she wants is for Harry to feck off and die, he gives the medallion to her young son, Gary.
I’d call and ask WTF!? Seriously, she can call only once but ask for anything? What’s to stop her for asking for a billion pounds or being the leader of a small country? What would you ask for?
0:06:34 Seventeen years later, miscellaneous hoodlums hold a university professor hostage in a snow-covered chalet in the mountains of Argentina. The soldier who’d been welcomed to Kingsman earlier (Jack Davenport as Lancelot) arrives to rescue said professor. All of the Kingsmen have names from Round Table, so let’s everyone have a good knight!
0:06:58 Lancelot defeats all the thugs but when he meets a woman with ski knife feet (the striking Sofia Boutella as Gazelle) he is of two minds. Literally. She splits him like a banana.
“Hold my whiskey, I have to split.”
I’m pleasantly surprised to learn this movie is not the Harry Potter in spy school film I’d feared it was from the poster, but bears instead a 15-certificate. Harry Potter with an R rating: Hairy Rotter.
0:07:42 Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson) arrives and introduces himself with a lisp as the head evil doer. He then adds he vomits profusely at the sight of violence. Sounds like his career path is somewhat slick.
0:10:26 Back in London, Harry / Galahad is briefed by his boss (Michael Caine as Arthur) and an aide (Merlin, Mark Strong from Kick Ass, doing a very bad Scottish accent on half of his words and an American accent on the others). That the entire meeting is conducted through the lenses of secret glasses pleases the 10-year-old in me (yes, that’s a euphemism).
“Lens me your ears.”
0:10:41 Merlin informs us Professor James Arnold (Mark Hamill), the kidnapping victim, is no longer missing but has returned to Imperial College. Like a child in September, he’s back in school.
0:12:32 Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin (Taron Egerton as the dead soldier’s lad) has grown up and lives in poverty with his mother and her chav insignificant other (Geoff Bell as Dean) and their baby spawn. It’s like Harry Potter’s step-family…if they were Muggers rather than Muggles.
[NB: The news on the telly is about global warming.]
0:13:46 At the pub, Eggsy boosts the car keys of a young lad who belongs to Dean’s gang (to the tune of ‘Bonkers’ by Dizzee Rascal & Armand Van Helden). Eggsy’s riding Dean’s car while Dean’s riding his mum.
“Guinness!? Don’t you know this is a gay bar?”
0:17:24 After getting arrested for this joy ride, Eggsy calls the number on the back of the medallion, gives the secret code and is released from holding faster than a rich white male.
“What kind of candy, mister?”
0:19:01 Picking him up from jail, Galahad takes the kid to a pub and recites his spy qualifications. We already know he’s dexterous (pinching the keys), good behind the wheel (outran the cops in reverse gear) now we learn he’s also a genius and an excellent gymnast. He’s more than just a petty face.
0:20:52 Nice fight scene between Galahad and the youth gang. Well filmed and interesting, although I call WTF on the amnesia dart shot from a wrist watch.
Beer with a head
0:25:17 After letting him get thrashed by his step father to test his silence under pressure, Galahad tells Eggsy to meet him at Kingsman tailors. On the way there, Eggsy demonstrates his parkour ability in evading the gang. He’s very good on his feet, but I’d like to see how good he is off them.
0:27:42 Origin story…
Since 1849, Kingsman tailors have clothed the world’s most powerful individuals. By 1919, a great number of them had lost their heirs to World War I. That meant a lot of money going un-inherited and a lot of powerful men with a desire to preserve peace and protect life. Our founders realized they could channel that wealth and influence for the greater good. And so began our other venture: an independent, international intelligence agency operating at the highest level of discretion – above the politics and bureaucracy that undermine the integrity of government-run spy organisations. The suit is a modern gentleman’s armour, the Kingsman agents are the new knights.
I still would not want to get shot whilst wearing a suit.
The fourth dummy
0 31:52 Eggsy joins a group of entitled ponces (and two more socially flexible lasses) in an underground bunker where they will be tested to determine who the next Lancelot will be. I predict the final three will be Eggsy, Roxanne / Roxy (Sophie Cookson) – blonde aristocrat who seems willing to sleep outside of her class – and Charles (Edward Holcroft), head dick (or dick head).
0:36:12 The first test is the dorm room filling with water while they sleep. Some of the candidates use shower hoses in the toilet bowl to breathe fresh air but Eggsy uses his fist to break the two-way mirror. Everyone fails, however, because redundant girl is made redundant (Fiona Hampton as Amelia). It was just a question of time, and hers is up.
Wet Dream
0:37:35 Galahad goes to interview the professor, but the professor loses his head – when it explodes all over Galahad’s face.
0:38:44 Want an equivalent of Harry Potter’s owls? To teach responsibility in Kingsman, the youth must choose a puppy that looks like them. Some of my mates already have a head start.
0:44:22 Because Scandinavian Princess Tilde doesn’t agree with Jackson’s plan, Gazelle kidnaps her and kills her guards with surprisingly bad CGI. More like CGI give up.
CGI-ay-ay-ay!
0:46:08
We each spend, on average, 2000 dollars a year on cell phone and Internet usage. It gives me great pleasure to announce those days are over. As of tomorrow, every man, woman, and child can claim free SIM card compatible with any cell phone, any computer and utilize my communication network for free. Free calls. Free Internet. For everyone. Forever.
Valentine
Yes, please! Just show me where to plug my SIM card into my computer. WTF!?
0:57:05 Galahad secures and invitation to Valentine’s mansion where they eat McDonald’s and Valentine implies Galahad is a gentleman spy and Galahad implies Valentine is a “futuristic, colourful megalomaniac”.
Thank you for such a…happy meal.
Galahad when leaving
Because they ate McDonald’s.
The wine should always match the colour of the food box
0:58:06 WTF!? Some of the world’s top leaders are kept prisoner in Valentine’s underground lair, yet intelligence organizations the world over are incapable of looking at the rulers’ agendas and noticing the last appointment they all had was with Valentine? Thus proving once again that “Intelligence Organization” is an oxymoron.
1:0024 The three remaining trainees [see my prediction at 31:52] are drugged and placed on a train track, with the promise of escape if they betray Kingsman. Of course Eggsy and Roxy succeed this test because they have one-track minds. Charlie, on the other hand, gives up Kingsman and is booted from the organisation because he’s a rich pompous arse with a poor track record.
1:08:04 Eggsy is given a tour of the weapons room. Shocking signet rings to electrocute people, cigarette lighter grenades to get lit up, poison pens for poison pen letters (and people), and shoes with a knife in the toe that pack a kick.
“No, we don’t have crab killer.”
1:08:52 Kingsman is not advanced enough to detect the tracer Valentine placed on Galahad, so Valentine pops by the tailor’s and gets a suit, making Galahad look ridiculous. Still not as much as that baseball cap.
Starting Finishing School
1:10:05 As Galahad decides he may as well surveille Valentine in turn, he sends Valentine to a hatter who sells bugged top hats. Because there needs to be a film, Valentine agrees.
1:10:59 As a final test, Arthur gives Eggsy a pistol and instructs him to shoot his dog. Merlin is conducting the same test with Roxy. This may well be the only test I could pass.
1:12:00 Eggsy can’t pull the trigger, Roxy can.
At least the girl’s got balls.
Arthur to Eggsy
If not, she can always take the dog’s.
When you look like a bitch
1:12:46 Eggsy is sent home and Roxy is welcomed as the new Lancelot. Methinks this is not the last we shall hear of Eggsy. Otherwise Eggsy would be over easy.
1:15:34 That didn’t take long. Galahad brings Eggsy back to his house and tells the young man the pistol was loaded with blanks and that the redundant brunette at the beginning didn’t really die but is an employee in IT. I wonder if Roxy isn’t a tad disappointed that her dog didn’t die.
1:17:52 Galahad attends a service in an ultra-conservative American church looking for Valentine. Not seeing his nemesis, he decides to leave, at which point a woman asks…
Woman: What’s your problem?
Galahad: I’m a Catholic whore currently enjoying congress out-of-wedlock with my black, Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So, “Hail Satan” and have a lovely afternoon, madam.
I need a T-shirt of this.
Rough Sects
1:20:22 A brilliant fight scene in the church where Harry/Galahad goes berserk and begins killing everyone, spurred on by Valentine’s SIM card in his phone. What I find WTF!? is 1) we weren’t informed Harry had the SIM card, and 2) how is Eggsy able to watch the feed of the riot on a tablet in England?
Hot Head
1:23:00 Valentine is waiting for Galahad in front of the church, where he explains how his SIM card functions.
In simple terms, it’s a neurological wave that triggers the centres of aggression and switches off inhibitors.
He should call it ‘tequila’.
1:23:12 This is the scene that makes this film a good film.
Valentine: You know what this is like? It’s like those old movies we both love. Now I’m gonna tell you my whole plan and then I’m gonna come up with an absurd and convoluted way to kill you and you’ll find an equally convoluted way to escape.
Galahad: Sounds good to me.
Valentine: Well, this ain’t that kind of movie.
And neither is Kingsman.
Give it a shot
1:26:43 While speaking to Arthur about the demise of his mentor, Eggsy notices a telltale scar behind Arthur’s ear, which signifies he’s either a member of team Valentine or has had a face lift.
1:26:58 Arthur hasn’t seen it and the camera hasn’t seen it but I know Eggsy just distracted Arthur in order to switch the glasses of Napoleonic brandy. It’s the Princess Bride all over again.
From the maker of XO-Men
1:28:19 WTF!? The premise of this whole film is a bad metaphor? Valentine compares global warming to our bodies getting a fever. The fever is meant to kill the germs, so Valentine postulates the earth is trying to kill humans as we are like bad germs for the planet. He proposes doing the earth’s job for it. He doesn’t mention that the analogy is false because a fever is a cause while global warming is an effect. What if he’d compared global warming to sexual excitement? Would he champion a universal orgy?
Dallas, England
1:30:02 I was right earlier about the drink switching, and now Michael Caine passes out like a high school girl on spring break. Eggsy takes advantage of him… by cutting into his neck with a fountain pen and pulling out a computer chip. There’s a major WTF!? here. Why doesn’t Valentine blow up the chip now that Arthur has been compromised, like he did for Professor Arnold earlier [see 37:35]? Eggsy should be fried.
1:32:48 The neck byte that blows people’s heads off also makes the wearer immune to the effects of the SIM card, but your minutes are numbered.
1:33:44 In order to destroy one of Valentine’s satellites with a portable missile, Roxy is going to go into the atmosphere on weather balloons that will explode when they get too high. I prefer Eggsy’s job. I don’t know what it is, but I prefer it.
1:36:02 Eggsy’s job is to dress as Arthur and infiltrate Valentine’s fortress. He looks gorgeous dressed as Arthur. If he was on my round table, I’d make sure he Came-a-lot.
Economy classy
1:37:41 Eggsy arrives and evidently resembles Michael Caine more than I realize, for like a sober débutante, no one has fingered him yet.
1:38:47
Server: Would Sir care for a drink?
Eggsy (as Arthur): Martini. Gin, not vodka, obviously. Stirred for ten seconds while glancing at an unopened bottle of vermouth. Thank you.
1:43:34 When Roxy’s rocket destroys Valentine’s satellite, he promotes my Website!
It’s supposed to be working! WTF!?
“Is that the new Apple crate?”
1:44:48 Eggsy has to kill Valentine because of a biometric security override. Valentine’s palm came in handy.
1:48:58 Just when Eggsy is trapped like a rat, he tells Merlin to hack into the chips and explode anyone wearing an implant. Hats, and all the rest, off!
Blow your top
Minds blown
1:50:48 Valentine didn’t put an implant in his own head, so he’s able to launch the SIM card attack after borrowing a satellite from a friend. My mates can’t even lend me 5 quid. I need more evil friends.
1:51:23 Llol! Literally laughed out loud. Eggsy finds the Finnish princess locked in a cell and the exchange goes like this.
Princess Tilde: Can you get me out?
Eggsy: If I do, will you give me a kiss? I’ve always wanted to kiss a princess.
Princess: If you get me out right now, I’ll give you more than just a kiss.
…
Eggsy: Sorry, luv, gotta save the world.
Princess: If you save the world, we can do it in the asshole.
Eggsy: I’ll be right back.
Not butt of the joke, but the joke of the butt.
1:51:35 The apocalypse in London, or the afternoon of a football match.
Catching the bus…with your face
1:52:22 WTF!? The button to end the world button isn’t a button? Valentine has to keep his hand on the touch screen for it to work? And this geezer is meant to be on the cutting edge of technology? When it comes to his technological advances, I say ‘Hands off’!
1:55:42 WTF!? Why does Gazelle turn green when she’s attacked? Looks cheesy to me.
[I would love if someone could please explain to me why Gazelle turns green when she’s wounded!]
Breaking the mould
1:56:24 Eggsy throws one of Gazelle’s sword feet through Valentine, killing his arch nemesis. #StabbingPain
1:56:38 Nice touch – Valentine vomits as he dies because he can’t stand the sight of blood, especially his own!
1:58:53 To the strains of ‘Slave to Love’, Eggsy takes a bottle of champagne with two glasses and rescues the princess. She’s a lovely jail-bird.
1:59:07 Al K Hall nudity alert: The princess rolls over onto her stomach and keeps her word, giving the film, and Eggsy, a happy end. [Note: This version is only included in the uncensored version.]
He’ll get to the bottom of this
1:59:20 Directed by Matthew Vaughn. Of course it was! He’s the chap who made Kick Ass and X-Men: First Class. That explains why this film felt so fun.
2:01:28 Eggsy returns to rescue his mum from her boyfriend, whom I thought she’d already left. If she keeps going back to him what’s to stop her from returning again after Eggsy thrashes him this time? Like frozen ready-made fish & chips, I find this unsatisfying.
Roll credits
2:02:26 The theme song (Take That – Get Ready For It) is as gay as I wish Taron Egerton was.
2:05:12 Is it a law to put Iggy Azalea in the credits to every film?
Tally Ho’
- WTF!?’s: 11 insidious ones
- When to Follow: If you find yourself home on a Saturday night, there are worse ways to kill time.
- Where’s This Found: This film’s secret weapon is Matthew Vaughn. While some of his movies may miss their mark (I’m looking at you, Sucker Punch), this hits the bull’s-eye. Out of a possible 10, I have 8 F’s to give
- What To Feedback: Can anyone leave a comment and let me know why Gazelle turned green when she was killed?
All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator
Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
“I’ve got a splitting headache.”
“Would you like some ice with that punch?”
A breakthrough
“Hey! Are we coming out of the closet?”
Self-five
Raise your glasses
Colin Firth’s audition for River Dance
It’s bad luck to open an umbrella indoors…for the other bloke
Raining bullets
Class went swimmingly
Knows how to kill time in bad weather
Pretty Woman 2: Pretty Boy
One is street smart and the other has street smarts
“I assure you ‘Heavier Lighter’ is NOT a good pun!”
Merlin’s magical talking finger
Defending the right to bare arms [take your time with this one]
The drinks aren’t the only thing that’s spiked
The queue to play Tom Clancy’s “Rainbow Flag”
Prints suitable for reposting!
WTF!? did they say?
WTF!? do you meme?
What to Follow Up
WTF!? review of X-Men: First Class, also by Matthew Vaughn
Bar None Booze Revooze of Kick Ass, also by Matthew Vaughn
Oh, Al! Booze Revooze of Sucker Punch, also by Matthew Vaughn
Fernby Films review of another Matthew Vaughn effort
Fernby Films review of an early Matthew Vaughn film
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