Play Again?

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be digging deep into the heart of Resident Evil to see what makes it tick. I will lay to rest its myths, unearth its plot, and resuscitate its mystique so read on only if you have already seen Resident Evil or don’t plan to.

His barf is worse than his bite

0:02:50 Whoever designed a lab that treats Biohazards with an air vent that leads to every other room in the building missed a very important class in Architect School.

0:04:40 The virus is released into the lab. Best ever beginning to a zombie movie (including The English Patient).

0:08:17 One of the few films where crawling out of a lift stuck between floors actually halves the human. Narrow capture.

0:08:53 No woman, not even Milla Jovovich, would make that much of an effort to hide her nudity when she wakes up from a coma. on the floor of a shower. totally alone.

‘I really must buy a new bed.’

0:13:15 Whenever I watch an action film, I look for this moment when Special Forces come in through the windows to the sound of heavy metal music. This moment created a yardstick by which I judge all action films.

0:15:18 I remember that train in The Hive from the original video game. The film actually does an efficient job of recreating the ambiance of the game. Takes me back to my PS2 days. Yes, I’m dating myself. No, that’s not a masturbation reference.

0:16:54 A crack team with elite training whose members hear noises in a hostile environment and tell themselves ‘Must be my imagination, even if I heard it three times. Not worth mentioning to the rest of the team’? That’s the wrong kind of crack.

“I know you’re listening to One Direction.”

0:27:00 Drowned floating zombie opens her eyes and puts her hand on the glass creepily. Well done, drowned floating zombie, well done.

0:32:49 Killer scene with the lasers and body bits that slide off like Michael Jackson on a windy day.

0:33:14 On the other hand, why does the laser get more and more difficult to avoid? Wouldn’t it just start out at the mesh level to eliminate everything the first time?

0:34:34 All the people were made into diced cubes, so why is the pulse bomb they left in the bag in the hallway still in one piece? WTF!?

0:36:36 “You’re all going to die down here.” Iconic line delivered in a proper English accent by a proper English girl. (Also the slogan of my favourite salve against pubic lice.)

0:36:56 The genetic monsters in the mechanical cocoons are reminiscent of Aliens. Time to play… Homage or pillage?

0:38:01 Let the unleashing of the zombies begin.

0:42:14 More great rock and roll soundtrack to accompany the killing. Nicely played.

0:45:42 One of the paramilitary was eaten alive… and not in the good way. It might have been the leader, but honestly all the men in this movie look the same–it’s as though the casting director only employed men that reminded her of her daddy.

Chad has good taste

0:47:36 Oh yes, the devil dogs. This film actually follows the video game quite closely. Like a devil Doberman.

0:49:51 Awesome fight scene with the devil dogs. Very well filmed and nice twists.

0:50:23 More great heavy metal and slo-mo action… What more could you ask of something that has no hands?

Michelle Rodriguez after seeing her first penis

0:51:42 He took the time to read a woman’s name on her badge out loud. This means we shall be seeing said woman as a zombie sooner rather than later.

0:52:24 Didn’t take me long to be right.

0:58:54 Rather boring description of the bad science behind the zombies and we didn’t even ask for it.

Brain Food

0:59:33 Granted this is one of the earliest new zombie films, but it took them this long to learn they need to shoot zombies in the head to kill them?

1:01:17 Michelle Rodriguez is at her sexiest when wielding a weapon. If I were her, and sometimes I pretend I am, I’d be packing wherever I went.

Wanted: Undead or Alive

1:14:08 Her fake husband was the bad guy. No surprise there. If someone’s going to betray you, it’s probably going to be your spouse. #Innit

1:17:03 Pop quiz: You’ve been bitten by a contagious zombie but you have the antidote loaded into a syringe pressed up against your arm and you hear a noise. Do you take the half second and finish injecting the antivirus or do you stop everything and risk falling prey to the disease because you’re curious? There you go being smarter than the movie, too.

1:27:09 Nicely done, if a bit routine, fight against the tongue monster. Again, the soundtrack is amazing. As is the tongue.

1:30:28 Alice / Milla Jovovich gets captured by scientists. First ending.

Heil Milla!

1:31:06 Alice wearing two paper tablecloths tied together. Interesting fashion choice…for a woman in a trailer park.

1:32:31 Alice wakes up alone and can’t see the zombies on the other side of the two way mirror. The film that can’t stop ending…like a zombie?!

“That’s no zombie, that’s Nicole Kidman!”

1:34:01 We see Raccoon City devastated, then cut to credits.

1:34:17 Good metal punk during the credits.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 5 more or less big ones
• When to Follow: After you haven’t watched it for at least 3 years. it’ll be much better than you remember it.
• What To Feedback: Caption This!

???????????????

In the Comments section, write a caption for this photo to win unbelievable prizes. Seriously, you’ll win and you’ll say, ‘I don’t believe this shite.’

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

The Michelle Rodriguez blow-up doll

Alice fails to score during a wet t-short contest. Or after.

Seems someone has zombie breath

Michelle Rodriguez as Lindsay Lohan’s gynocolegist

What to Follow Up

WTF!? Resident Evil: Apocalypse