Spoiler Alert:
I shall be taking a chance on Big Game, studying its moves and playing its parts to see if it has a winning strategy or if we’re out of luck. So read on only if you’ve already seen Big Game, or don’t plan to.
“We’d better move on before we finish like those skinny dudes.”
0:01:24 A father takes his son to a cabin in the wilderness to hunt an animal. They are speaking a language which sounds like not at all English. I could survive in the wilderness, as long as I had my phone and a Wi-Fi connection. And I didn’t have to kill an animal.
0:02:38 A man is putting on a girdle and grimacing on Air Force One. He’s gone up in the world. At least literally.
0:03:14 Turns out the bloke is called Morris (Ray Stevenson) and is the head of the security detail around the lame duck president, William Alan Moore (Samuel L. Jackson). This makes the second time a Jackson has been president of the U.S.
A snake on a plane
0:04:12 On the way to Helsinki, we learn Morris once took a bullet (and placed it near his heart) for the president and now is being forced to retire. WTF!? Either he’s in physical condition to protect the president or not. I’m not sure I understand this concept of, “You’re OK to protect this president, but…”
0:06:41 A helicopter in Finland operated by a hunting guide takes some blokes with briefcases into the mountains. What are they hunting? Bargains?
0:09:18 The swarthy team explain to the helicopter pilot that they’re going to shoot down a passenger aircraft with a surface-to-air missile. The pilot runs away, but to make things easier on the terrorists, he stays in the clearing for at least 3 kilometres. The lead beard (Mehmet Kurtulus as Hazar) tests a surface to air missile on the bloke, making his hunting trip one-way.
“He may have the runs, but not the runs far enough.”
0:14:06 The boy and father (Tapio, played by Jorma Tommila) from the opening scene drive to a place in the mountains that looks like a boy scout camp in Deliverance. The young boy (Onni Tommila as Oskari) must go into the mountains and hunt a deer to return as a man. He’s the rite boy at the rite place at the rite time.
0:16:04 Because Air Force One has been signalled out by laser targeting, the president is placed in what resembles the landing capsule from the Apollo missions. The capsule is jettisoned from the aeroplane, but there are dozens of people still on the aircraft. Like life boats on the Titanic or ugly people in an orgy, not everyone will get off.
Drop out
0:16:22 Nice twist! As Secret Service agents follow the capsule out of the back of the plane, the last remaining agent remarks on the absence of parachutes opening. So Morris shoots him! Then he evacuates the aircraft while the incoming air-to-ground missiles whiz past him and destroy Air Force One. This man I thought would be the hero of the film turns out to be the mole. Nice play, Big Game.
0:18:38 Air Force One crash lands on top of the young boy hunting to become a man. He nearly caught that plane…with his back.
Light on his heels
0:20:44 In the Pentagon, Felicity Huffman plays ‘CIA Director’. She introduces the most experienced CIA agent in the world (Fred Herbert, played by Jim Broadbent) to a nameless Vice President (portrayed by Victor Garber – promoted from Canadian ambassador in Argo). This scene looks like the lobby in an actor’s unemployment bureau.
Watching “Big Game” for the first time
0:24:47 In the forest, Oskari enters the numbers ‘1492’ (the year Christopher Columbus ‘discovered’ the United States) to open the door to the escape capsule.
Please stay inside. Help is on the way. Do not exit the rescue pod under any circumstances.
Repeated message in the rescue pod as the president leaves it, minus a shoe
Proof one doesn’t need to follow instructions (or use logic) to be president of the U.S.
0:25:52 Oskari throws a 200-meter-long string with a cup attached to use as a ‘phone’ and ask the president what planet he’s from. It’d be faster and easier simply to yell. I’m surprised they’re able to hear each other over all the WTF!?
“Get me the scriptwriter on the other end of this shite!”
0:28:07 It’s times like these I’m reminded the Vice President is usually involved, hoping to get a promotion.
0:35:53 Morris says that his days are numbered because of the bullet fragment nearing his heart. He should call Tony Stark about that. He also admits this whole affair is over money. In other words, he wants dead presidents for a dead president. He can buy a great deal of WTF!? with all the money he wants so close to his imminent death.
0:37:48 WTF!? The President of the United States is shot down out of the sky and lands in front of this child who, instead of taking the leader of the free world to safety, plans to continue his hunting trip?
“I was in the middle of something, Mr. President. Just sit wrapped in a blanket in the back of my ATV for a couple days while I take care of this other thing, will you?”
Presidential coverage
0:39:46
Oskari: We all do this when we turn thirteen. We are sent into the forest to kill something that shows what we are as a man.
Wonderful, if what you are as a man is a dead animal.
0:45:24 The lad begins hunting in his father’s ‘secret spot’ and finds a refrigerator operating on a petrol generator in the middle of a clearing. Inside is a dead deer with an arrow and a note that reads “Happy birthday, Dad”. Their hunting in Finland is a lot like my fishing in London.
He should be called ‘Ending’, because he’s Finnish
0:45:42 President Moore finds the bodies of the Secret Service agents whose parachutes didn’t work. Defective parachutes are quite a let down.
0:46:28 The president sees Morris and understands an alternate meaning of ‘secret’ service.
0:48:47 WTF!? The president decides to chit chat with Oscar for so long that he gives Morris and the hunters enough time to catch up with him!? Q-What do you call yapping with a child? A-Small talk.
“Don’t worry, here’s an absence excuse for your teacher.”
0:51:38 Using a satellite, the operatives in Washington track a helicopter flying to the president’s location. The did not see the president having his arse kicked by Morris. If this were an election, the president would have been beaten handily. And footily.
0:55:58 Oskari makes a speech and leaps from the top of a mountain onto the freezer the terrorist decided to stow the president inside and attach to the helicopter in order to transport the president back to the Middle East where he’ll be stuffed as a hunting trophy and no one in the helicopter even notices the extra weight. That’s quite a leap, and I don’t mean the boy’s.
0:57:12 WTF!? The helicopter is dragging the giant freezer through the forest to shake Oskari off!? I’m a gay English urbanite and even I know this is impossible. The helicopter would crash and burn almost as disastrously as this film.
“Noooo! This story line is so thin we could lose the thread at any moment!”
Another WTF is why doesn’t the president simply jump out of the box when it’s so near the ground? And if he can follow Oskari’s instructions and close the sliding lid on the freezer, why couldn’t he slide it open before Oskari jumped onto it? Three WTFs in one scene = shat-trick!
0:58:11 Oskari cuts the straps tying the freezer to the helicopter and the box and the boy fall to the ground. Yet again the president waits for the boy to slide open the lid. If I were Samuel L. Jackson, I wouldn’t want to show my face in this film either.
0:59:08 Lol & WTF!? When the helicopter returns, guns blazing, the President slides the top of the freezer closed to protect himself, but leaves the kid trapped outside, exposed. That’s as cold as the freezer.
Presidential cover up
1:00:07 WTF!? The kid climbs into the box which then falls off a mountain, yet both inhabitants are unscathed. The plunging freezer reminds me of my interest in this film.
1:01:14
Boarding call for Malyasian Airlines
1:05:47 Hazar bombs his way into Air Force One where the president and Oskari are hiding. That’s just plane wrong.
1:07:34 After being beaten, strangled and drowned, the President is still is not injured and shoots the terrorist with an Uzi. He’s got a better shot at Hazar than re-election.
“I’ll hold your hair while you vomit, Samuel L. Jackson.”
1:08:25 The president and Oscar sit in the pilot’s and co-pilot’s seat and eject from the plane before it explodes. Too bad for Samuel L. Jackson that it wasn’t as easy to get out of this train wreck.
Why you never serve cabbage and beans on a plane
Here’s another WTF for you to consider. Why didn’t the pilot use the ejection seats at the beginning of the film when the president was safely in the escape pod and everyone knew missiles were headed directly for the plane?
1:08:48 The seats have parachutes which keep the duo aloft at the same altitude as the helicopter with the machine gun wielding Morris. Oscar shoots an arrow at him, successfully for the first time, meaning he’s become a man as he’s no longer shooting blanks. The arrow just glances of the bloke, seemingly harmless, yet it was enough to dislodge the bullet that was in the agent’s chest. Morris loses his grip on the helicopter, and falls into the sunken plane as it explodes. #crashlanding
Still not a bigger bomb than this film
1:13:46 Just when everyone thinks Oskari and President Moore are lost, the cockpit parachute seat alights directly beside Oscar’s father and the Seal rescue squad. Oskari is a hero, but Onni Tommila even more so for sacrificing his career for this disaster.
1:15:18 The vice president and the head of the Secret Service meet in the loo to discuss the failure of their plan [see my prediction at 28:07]. The loo is the appropriate place for this discussion because their plan was shite.
1:15:44 Herbert kills the vice president to cover his tracks. He then washes his hands of him. Literally.
Bored stiff
Roll credits
Tally Ho’
- WTF!?’s: 9 dicey ones
- When to Follow: When you’re twelve years old and your Xbox is broken.
- Where’s This Found: As neither my age nor my I.Q. is 13, I’m not the target market for this and thus am under no obligation defend it. The most incredible thing about this film is witnessing Samuel L. Jackson’s downward spiral into prostitution [see Barely Lethal]. Out of a possible 10, I have 4 F’s to give
- What To Feedback: Has anyone seen this film? Please leave a comment below on what forced you into this unfortunate circumstance. I’m curious as to know what could lead someone to watch this movie. All commenters will be entered in the contest for a chance to win my gratitude!
All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator
Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
Check out Samuel L. Jackson’s head line
“I come in pieces.”
The Statue of Limitations
Trying to get a grip
“Wait, this is what part of a bear?”
“It’s as empty as the cinema!”
“I just want a hug.”
“I’ll hug you!”
Tee time
Perfect camoflauge, if the bush is on its period
Rub a dub dub, time for some grub
“Say ‘Big Game Loser’ one more time.”
Been to Helsinki and back
Prints suitable for reposting!
WTF!? do you meme?
What to Follow Up
WTF!? review of a better Samuel L. Jackson outing
WTF!? review of a better (but only just) action film
WTF!? review of more kiddie action
Oh, Al! Audio Dregs Booze Revooze of “Tomorrowland”
Fernby Films brill review of “Seventh Son”
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