Spoiler Alert:
I shall be taking a bite out of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, measuring its pace and taking its pulse to ascertain if it’s proud or prejudiced. So read on only if you’ve already seen Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, or don’t plan to.
Watch PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES here
0:00:36
0:01:12 Colonel Darcy (the gorgeous Sam Riley) arrives at an estate and must enter it through the sewer. Perhaps he wants to give a shite.
0:01:44
No zombie bite marks on this pristine young body.
Pervy priest (Jonathan Oliver as ‘Priest’) poring over Darcy’s body with a magnifying class
Apart from this being my new fantasy, I think this may be the first time I agree with a priest.
0:02:02
Darcy: How were you able to discern that the wound on my rib was from fencing?
Priest: I’ve been at this a long time, my son.
Darcy: I have no wound.
Darcy chastises the priest for ogling him. To be fair to the priest, maybe he meant he’d been ogling a long time.
0:03:12 Darcy enters a day room filled with genteel whist players.
Darcy [to Mrs. Featherstone (Dolly Wells), the lady of the manor]: A newly infected zombie is almost impossible to detect until they’ve ingested their first human brains, at which point the transformation accelerates with each subsequent kill.
Now I understand the reason behind the priest’s examination (other than his examination of the behind).
0:04:38 Darcy releases carrion flies from a vial, and they alight on the forehead of a card player (Angus Kennedy as Mr. Kingston), proving he’s a corpse. Darcy takes his knife and causes the bloke to lose his head.
0:05:54 A young blonde girl called Cassandra (Hermione Corfield) goes to one of their guest’s room to discover that more than Annabelle’s (Jess Radomska) social life is dead. Annabelle then attacks Cassandra, getting some good face time.
0:06:08 The opening credits are a puppet show history of zombies in the Regency era, which is fun to watch and rather well done.
From the colonies there came not just silks and spices but a virulent and abominable plague. Naturally, many suspected the French were to blame.
0:07:24 Much is made of this distinction throughout the film.
At this time it became fashionable to study the deadly arts of the orient. Japan for the wealthy. China for the wise.
The Bennets studied in China, as they’re as rich as rice cakes.
0:10:32
0:11:48 A father of five daughters (Charles Dance as Mr. Bennet) who seem to be the same age acquiesces to his wife’s request to take the girls to a ball to meet the latest available bachelor, Mr. Charles Bingley (Douglas Booth). His is a face one might find handsome…if one is constantly confronted with zombies.
0:13:46 Mr. Bingley asks the blondest of the daughters (Bella Heathcote as Jane Bennet) for the next two dances.
Mrs. Bennet (Sally Phillips): Good for you, Mr. Bingley! You chose the loveliest of my two daughters.
Elizabeth ‘Lizzy’ Bennet (Lily James): Mother!
0:15:12
Well, she’s tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me.
Mr. Darcy speaking about Elizabeth (while she eavesdrops)
After all, her own mother probably wouldn’t disagree.
0:16:06
0:16:15 While Elizabeth exits to complain about Darcy to herself, she’s joined by Mrs. Featherstone, whom she discovers is undead. Just as the late lady is about to tell her something, Darcy blows off her dead head.
0:17:04
This is the last good bit of the film. I recommend you stop watching after it because, unlike a zombie, it will not return from the dead.
0:17:17 The battle scene might be more effective if there were blood on her sword after she killed a zombie.
0:17:53 The five daughters are remarkably deft at zombie slaying, as demonstrated by this well choreographed fight scene.
Darcy: Her face is rendered uncommonly intelligent by the beautiful expression of her dark eyes, and I’m forced to acknowledge her figure as both light and pleasing; and that her arms are surprisingly muscular, but not so much as to be unfeminine.
After watching Elizabeth defeat the zombies, Darcy seems to be willing to give her a fighting chance.
0:19:32 Instead of philosophizing over tea, as they would have done in the original book [click on this link to read it for free], the girls have a conversation about pride and vanity while sparring. #FightingWords
0:22:34 On her way to visit the Bingleys for tea, Jane is thrown by her horse and, after eliminating the father zombie, she faces a mother zombie with a zombie baby. The screen fades to black.
0:23:41 At the Bingleys’, Elizabeth arrives to visit her sister Jane, who is ailing. We don’t know if Jane’s sick from the ill weather or the zombies. Or perhaps it’s simply her feelings which have been hurt by this review.
0:25:07 Darcy releases more carrion flies [see 04:38] to determine if Jane is a zombie. He waited a tad too long, however, for now Elizabeth is here and she catches the flies one by one, only to return them to him in dead crumbs resembling meat raisins.
0:30:08 The Bennet women come to collect Jane, and leave young Bingley with the promise of a dance once Jane has recovered. In other words, they’ll have a ball.
0:31:21 The Bennets receive the visit of a certain cousin, Parson Collins, who will inherit the Bennets’ property once Mr. Bennet dies. Because the Bennets have no male children, Collins will get an heir cut.
0:32:52 At the table, Collins speaks of his patroness: Lady Catherine de Bourgh (Lena Headly).
She’s the most deadly swordswoman in all of Great Britain.
0:33:14 Collins confesses his affection for Jane, but on learning she’s spoken for, he immediately redirects his affections towards Elizabeth. One wonders what his aim is.
0:36:10 At a town called Meryton, the younger Bennet daughters [am I really expected to learn all of their names? Oh, alright then, it’s Ellie Bamber as Lydia and Suki Waterhouse as Catherine ‘Kitty’ Bennet] meet Lieutenant George Wickham (Jack Huston), who’s been assigned to the division as reinforcement for the recent zombie upsurge. He speaks with the same soft rasp as Mr. Darcy, as if they’re competing in Batman impressions.
0:39:22 Elizabeth seems quite smitten with lieutenant Wickham, and he explains to her that he grew up with Mr. Darcy. He adds that Darcy’s father treated him so much like a son that when the elder man died, he bequeathed half his fortune to Wickham. Darcy, on the other hand, turned around and gave it to another man. Elizabeth takes Wickham’s side, but I’ve seen more films than she so I’m a tad suspicious of his story.
0:42:58
Mrs. Bennet [drunk at the Bingley’s ball]: I predict a wedding in under three months. Such a charming young man. He’s so…well, rich! Jane marrying Bingley is bound to throw her younger sisters in the way of other rich men, and then…
Darcy overhears this last bit and it will make him want to separate Jane and Charles Bingley, or split heirs.
0:46:48 Suddenly and without reason, we’re informed Darcy has a sister and Charles Bingley is now meant to marry her. They skirt him off to London, spitting in the face of the love he and Jane share. We’re treading dangerously close to Downton Abbey territory here, and further away from the fun bits. #DownturnAbbey
0:48:08 Parson Collins arrives and proposes marriage to Elizabeth, adding she will have to hang up her arms if she acquiesces. Like rock music in an old folks’ home, she turns him down.
0:48:50
Lizzy, an unhappy alternative is before you. Your mother will never speak to you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never speak to you again if you do.
Mr. Bennet
0:50:42 While Elizabeth walks in the forest to clear her head, she comes across four mysterious men in top hats, who disappear when Mr. Wickham arrives to show her his special place. (Not that one.)
0:52:26 Mr. Wickham takes her to a church (Saint Lazarus – aptly named after the bloke Jesus brought back from the dead) in which zombies are the congregation and communion is served with pig’s brains. This makes sense, as Jesus was the original zombie.
0:52:41
Mr. Wickham: If they never consume human brains, they will never fully transform into zombies. [see Darcy’s speech at 3:12]
Wickham, hoping to form an alliance with the intelligent zombies, considers this to be a happy compromise, as the zombies are beginning to outnumber people. I mean, why not negotiate? Most politicians are zombies already.
0:53:24 Liz’s friend Charlotte Lucas (Aisling Loftus) comes to visit Elizabeth and announces she’s to be married to Parson Collins. Elizabeth is recruited to be chaperone when Charlotte goes with Collins to meet his aunt Lady Catherine de Bourgh, the zombie slayer. Lady Catherine cuts quite an imposing figure, if that figure is undead.
0:55:12
‘The four horsemen of the zombie apocalypse’ When they’re dead, the end of days is nigh.
Parson Collins
These blokes’ fronts resemble the backs of the four mysterious men Elizabeth spotted in the cemetery [around 39:00].
0:57:12 Lieutenant Wickham pleads to Lady Catherine for funds to realise his plan.
Wickham: I believe we can cultivate trust, and even good will, with this new iteration of the undead who seem to possess an inherent power over the lower ranks of their kind.
Lady Catherine [laughing]: Zombie aristocrats!?
I thought that was redundant.
1:01:32 In the grounds, late at night, Wickham tells Elizabeth that Darcy told Bingley to stay away from Jane, as Darcy considers her to be inferior to his friend. I believe I’ve stumbled upon this film’s secret! By avoiding any action and focusing on Regency era protocol, this film turns its viewers into zombies!
1:02:12 Wickham beseeches Elizabeth to run away with him but she turns him down, so he tells her to ‘Take you to the pasture, Miss Bennet, the day of thinking is upon us.’ I think this means he’s calling her a cow. 🐄
1:04:06 Darcy proposes marriage to Elizabeth, whom he confesses he loves against his better judgement. When she confronts him with the truth of his trying to break up Bingley and Jane, they attack each other with letter openers and fire pokers. Aww, their first fight.
1:08:44 What, the constant, long-winded dialogue without any sort of action is still too exciting for you? Fear not, the next scene is a long explanation in which Darcy justifies his protecting Bingley because of what he’d heard Mrs. Bennet say about marrying off her daughters. Then a recounting of how Wickham poisoned Darcy’s father to get his inheritance and, after squandering that, he tried to seduce Darcy’s 15-year-old sister. Still too exciting? Don’t worry, all of this was Elizabeth reading a letter.
1:10:24 Elizabeth realises she loves Darcy, but he’s left to fight zombies in the siege of London. However will he tell the zombies apart from the Londoners?
1:11:30 We aren’t permitted to witness this, but hear in passing about how Wickham runs off with Elizabeth’s sister, Lydia, who is barely no more than a child. Oh well, no rest for the Wickham.
1:12:37 Lady Catherine arrives to force Elizabeth not to marry Darcy, who’s been promised to marry Catherine’s own daughter since infancy. Liz refuses so Catherine sics her burly man servant Wilhem on her.
1:15:11 After defeating Wilhelm in a fight as exciting as stepping in gum, Catherine confesses her admiration for Elizabeth. Elizabeth and Jane go off to rescue Lydia, while Catherine takes the rest of the Bennets back to her property, Rosings.
1:15:42 Elizabeth and Jane cross Hingham Bridge, the last remaining ingress to London. A soldier tells them London has all but fallen to the zombies and that the bridge is to be destroyed at dawn to prevent the undead from taking over the rest of the country. Elizabeth and Jane cross over anyway. Perhaps they’re more desperate for action than the writer is.
1:17:35 WTF!? Jane and Elizabeth save Bingley and Darcy? Where did the blokes come from? At what point did they decide to stop rescuing their sisters and follow their girlfriends?
1:18:24 After learning Lydia is at St. Lazarus, Darcy says…
Saint Lazarus, I know it well. I saw it razed to the ground five days ago. Your sister couldn’t have possibly survived.
Darcy should be a doctor in the ICU.
1:19:46 Darcy then rides to Saint Lazarus. It would seem Darcy lies to Elizabeth well enough that they could be married…
1:20:58 Bingley, however, lies like a virgin and Elizabeth susses that Saint Lazarus still stands, so she rides off to save her own sister.
1:22:41 WTF!? When Darcy comes to free Lydia, he finds this map in her cell, because isn’t enemy jail cells where everyone keeps strategic war plans?
1:23:47 Darcy incites Wickham into trying to shoot him, but shifts to a place in the cell where the shot is deflected. The noise attracts the zombies, who seem to attack Wickham though we never see him dead. Meanwhile, Darcy escapes with Lydia through a cell window from which his horse has pulled the bars. Lydia is as free as condoms at a gay pride parade.
1:24:56 Darcy sends Lydia along, while he remains to stay and fight.
Lydia, listen to me. You have to get across Hingham Bridge. As long as Wickham lives, England is in peril.
WTF!? Did we not just see Wickham die seconds ago?
1:25:18 No, apparently the filmmakers don’t mind having the villain die in one scene and then come back in the next. Unless Wickham has become a zombie, in which case, forget this entire paragraph. I already have.
1:25:51
1:26:04 Elizabeth, on her way to Saint Lazarus, passes her sister Lydia who is returning to Hingham Bridge in front of a zombie horde. Elizabeth decides to stay to find Darcy. What should not be forgotten, however, is the enormous WTF!? of how Wickham’s shooting one piece of metal brought about the destruction of the entire church and the release of enough zombies to destroy an entire nation.
1:26:54 WTF!? Jane and Bingley arrive at Hingham Bridge less than a minute before Lydia, who started riding far later and from farther away?
1:27:03 And WTF!? again. Wickham and Darcy are still dueling with swords as the sunrises? When they began it was the middle of the night! Talk about staying power.
1:27:44 I was right about Wickham being a zombie and I’m right again when I say WTF!? because how could a zombie have fought so masterfully for hours on end?
1:28:14 Elizabeth arrives at the last minute to kill Wickham before he can kill Darcy. What took her so long? She passed Lydia just moments after the younger woman escaped Saint Lazarus, where the men are fighting, hours ago. Yet she’s arriving at the scene only now? She needs to stop horsing around.
1:28:56 Liz and Darcy cross the Hingham Bridge just as it explodes. Too bad the rest of the movie was more ‘a’ bomb than ‘the’ bomb.
1:30:57 Elizabeth regains consciousness on the bridge, lying on the ground, and no one, not even her sister, runs to her aid. WTF!? She then crawls over and kisses Darcy when she thinks he’s dead. She might be a necrophiliac, in which case, the zombie apocalypse is her Tinder.
1:35:08 Later on, back at Rosings Estate, Jane Bennet becomes engaged to Edwin Bingley and Darcy proposes to Elizabeth, who accepts. This might be my favorite part of the film, because it’s finally the ending.
1:36:02 Parson Collins officiates the double wedding. Even though he’s still single, he isn’t sad at all and even seems rather gay.
Roll credits
1:37:12 Post-credits scene: Wickham arrives with the Four Zombies of the apocalypse, not knowing that the chances for a sequel are as dead as he is.
Tally Ho’
- WTF!?’s: 11 that won’t die.
- When to Follow: Watch the begining of the film (stop after the fight scene at the 18-minute mark) as an appetizer for a good movie.
- Where’s This Found: This film was a big let down. Another marketing product where the packaging looks enticing, but the actual product is nothing but a shoddy ripoff. Is it really so hard to make the film that we were promised? He had the budget and the talent, so why did the director insist on so much Pride and too much Prejudice without enough Zombies? I’m entirely too nice on films that had every right to be better. Out of a possible 10, I have 5 F’s to give
- What To Feedback: Which of the four stars would you prefer to spend the zombie apocalypse fighting side by side with?
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Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
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What to Follow Up
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