Spoiler Alert:

I shall be investigating the Gods of Egypt, testing its convictions and examining its idols to decide if it’s the answer to our prayers or holy shit. So read on only if you’ve already seen Gods of Egypt, or don’t plan to.

Watch GODS OF EGYPT here

Gods of Egypt 02 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Egyptians? Or lesbian hippies….

0:01:22 In ancient Egypt, the Gods decide to live with mortals, because who doesn’t want to live amongst the people that worship you (just ask Justin Bieber)? The Gods are taller than humans, and have gold for blood (from whence the expression ‘gold vein’).

0:01:35 Egypt is ruled by two brother gods

Osiris (which apparently is not an old person’s bone disease) is ruler of the rich land of the Nile
Set (his middle name, as the rest of his name is ‘Ready Go’) ruler of the desert and then comes…
Horus, Osiris’s son and new king of the good part, making him the Land Lord

0:02:19

Gods of Egypt 03 SC cinematography Model Story (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Model City

0:02:41 Interesting choice… They have a boy (Brenton Thwaites as Bek) playing a girl playing a boy as the lead.

Gods of Egypt 04 SC Miss Representation (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Miss Representation

0:03:19 Ooh, sorry. When I said ‘playing’ a boy, I hope I didn’t mistakenly give you the impression that he can act. Fortunately, the script is so poor it distracts us from Brenton’s lack of talent.

0:03:46 Oh dear, in another unfortunate casting choice, Courtney Eaton’s cleavage is portraying Zaya. Tragically, her performance is not as deep.

Gods of Egypt 05 SC She dresses like a Horus (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — She dresses like a Horus

0:04:36 Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) wakes up with a hangover on the day of his coronation. I suppose English royalty is based on him.

Gods of Egypt 06 GIF Horus won't forget the little people (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Horus won’t forget the little people

0:05:54 Horus’s girlfriend (Elodie Yung as Hathor) arrives for the coronation and all of the actors speak as though they’re seeing the script for the first time and doing a casual read-through.

0:07:11

Gods of Egypt 07 SC cinematography Bright light big city (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Bright Light, Big CIty

0:10:34 Lol! Gerard Butler appears at the coronation as Set. I shouldn’t be surprised, he never misses an opportunity to act badly.

0:13:27 Set kills Osiris so that he can be King, taking sibling rivalry to whole new levels.

0:15:01 After Osiris dies, Set and Horus fight like a toilet spray and a bad odour.

Gods of Egypt 08 GIF Winging it (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Winging it

0:15:43 The gods turn into animals and my opinion of this film remains unchanged. At the very least they owed us good CGI, and this looks like it was done on a BlackBerry.

0:17:18 Lol, Set takes out Horus’s eyes to take away his perfect vision. Horus didn’t see that coming.

Gods of Egypt 09 SC The eyes have it (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — The eyes have it

0:17:48 Hathor pleads with Set not to kill Horus. Set leers at her as though he were Gerard Butler.

0:18:18

Gods of Egypt 10 SC Facing the tower (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Facing the tower

0:21:41

Set [after returning from a campaign and sexing Hathor]: I think you missed me.

Hathor: I have to miss you, I’m your prisoner, after all.

She, in fact, became the queen of Egypt when Set spared Horus’s life. I once had a lovely weekend with a queen of Egypt…

0:22:40 With the help of his architect Urshu (Rufus Sewell), Set is building a large, black obelisk to honour Ra, his father. This is meant to be Set’s legacy. I should think the reason Urshu chose black for the colour is obvious. #big

0:25:06 Bek is surreptitiously entering Set’s treasure room to steal Horus’s eyes so that he can return them to the exiled god, who will then recover the throne from the evil Set. Until then, Horus doesn’t see what I mean.

Gods of Egypt 11 SC Aisle try harder (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Aisle try harder

0:25:11 Lol, this is the map which explains how to avoid the traps triggered by shadows leading to the treasures. Has lots of stupid bird icons, looks legit.

Gods of Egypt 12 SC Ask for directions next time (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Next time, stop and ask for directions

0:27:47 Bek falls into the scorpion pit after retrieving one of the eyes, but fortunately scorpions react to the eye like I do to a Nicolas Cage film.

Gods of Egypt 13 GIF These scorpions are the shits (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — These scorpions are the shits

0:29:58 Urshu discovers the theft of the map to the treasure room, so sets a trap for Bek when he comes to meet Zaya at Urshu’s house. As they escape using Horus’s eye, Urshu shoots an arrow across the city and kills Zaya. He’s a far better archer than he is an architect.

Zaya [while dying]: I’ll love you forever.

Which for her won’t be long enough to boil an egg.

0:30:11

Gods of Egypt 14 SC cinematography A Horus house (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — A Horus house

0:33:54 Horus calls forth Anubis, the God Dog of the dead, to escort Zaya through the afterlife. In exchange for this, Bek must give Horus back his eye. I fail to see how Bek would approve of this deal, unless he’s blinder than Horus.

Gods of Egypt 15 SC cinematography Death is a bitch (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Death is a bitch

0:36:30

Horus: No one may leave the afterlife once entered, but the journey through the nine gates will take several days to complete. And only a king can make Anubis turn back. If I kill Set and take back the crown before your beloved reaches the final gate, I might be able to save her.

Horus spells out the story of the rest of the film. It’s idiot-proof, but Bek may still get it anyway.

0:37:46

Gods of Egypt 16 GIF Watch your tongue (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Watch your tongue

0:38:17 Set learns that a mortal stole one of Horus’s eyes from the ‘impenetrable’ treasure room, so he sends his bull god Mnevis (Alexander England) after Bek.

Gods of Egypt 17 SC cinematography Grave issues (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Grave issues

0:38:32

Gods of Egypt 18 SC That's a lot of bull (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — That’s a lot of bull

0:40:11 Horus and Bek climb atop some sort of mountain so that Horus might address his grandfather, the sun god Ra. He’s so hot.

Gods of Egypt 19 SC Sunny side up (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Sunny side up

0:41:09 WTF!? The sun god lives on a spaceship orbiting the earth?

Gods of Egypt 20 SC Humans, we have a problem (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Humans, we have a problem

0:42:56

Gods of Egypt 21 SC cinematography The ends of the earth (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — The ends of the earth

0:43:52 Ra (Geoffrey Rush, trying not to look ridiculous and failing miserably) fights a cloud and wins by breaking the wind.

0:47:30 The special effects are a joke, literally. I cannot stop laughing

Gods of Egypt 22 GIF The FX don't bug only me (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — The FX don’t bug only me

0:47:46 WTF!? Set battles his way into his ex-wife’s castle (Emma Booth as Nephthys) to defeat her kingdom. Either her guards are gods, or humans have suddenly become very tall with golden blood. Guard damnit!

0:49:27 When she attempts to fly away and escape, he cuts off her wing (perhaps because she’s a chick and he wants some dinner).

0:52:32 Mnevis arrives with hench-bulls, and Horus dispatches them with the absolute worst imitation 300 slo-mo CGI I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Pompeii.

Gods of Egypt 23 GIF This scene is terri-bull (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — This scene is terri-bull

0:57:08 Hathor escapes Set by removing her bracelet and getting sucked into the Land of the Dead. Once there, she replaces the bracelet and returns to the Land of the Living. As she’s a part of this film, though, part of her will always be in the Land of the Dead.

1:01:54 The two snake women ride their snakes after Bek and Horus. It’s in the desert, so we can refer to this scene as ‘hot pursuit’.

Gods of Egypt 24 GIF Two heads are better than one (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Kiss my asp

1:05:35 Hathor and Horus eliminate the snakes and their masters. Like braided tails, that’s two loose ends which were tied up nicely.

Gods of Egypt 25 SC cinematography Black Snake Moan (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Black Snake Moan

1:09:01 After Horus and Hathor quibble about her sexing the god who ripped out his eyes, Hathor understands she cannot charm Bek into doing her bidding because he’s in love with Zaya. This is scene is bad enough to make me miss the special effects.

Gods of Egypt 26 SC How Tom Cruise must feel (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — How Tom Cruise must feel

1:11:08 The trio meet Thoth (Chadwick Boseman), God of Wisdom, whom they need to answer the Sphinx’s riddle when Bek steals Horus’s second eye. Because he trusts no one, Thoth employs only clones. If you want something done right, do it yourselves.

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1:17:26 Hathor uses her bracket to let Bek talk to Zaya in the Land of the Dead. Bek is now a necrophiliac and Zaya is frigid.

1:20:34 Inside a pyramid, Thoth confronts the Sphinx, who poses a riddle:

I never was, am always to be. No one ever saw me, nor ever will, and yet I have the confidence of all who live and breathe. What am I?

The answer is, a good Nicolas Cage film. (Not really, it’s ‘tomorrow’.)

Gods of Egypt 27 SC cinematography That cat is stoned (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — That cat is stoned

1:22:37 Lol. Set ambushes the group and uses the opportunity to pull Thoth’s crystal mind out of his skull, or pick his brain.

Gods of Egypt 28 SC Hold onto that thought (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Hold onto that thought

1:23:38 Instead of pouring the magic juice retrieved from Ra’s spaceship into the fiery hole that would kill the desert and remove Set’s power, Bek lets himself be distracted so Set can take the juice and pour it on the ground. Then Set brings the house down, and the house is the pyramid.

1:27:22 After Bek, Horus and Hathor escape, Hathor makes a deal with Anubis in which she agrees to relinquish her bracelet to Bek, who will deliver it to Zaya so that she might have enough cash for a ticket to heaven. In doing so, however, Hathor sacrifices herself, for she needs the bracelet to stay out of the Land of the Dead. Despite Horus’s protests, Hathor’s dying to help Bek.

1:28:24 In the afterlife, Zaya enters the Hall of Two Truths. For example, (1) this film has shite actors and (2) a worse script.

Gods of Egypt 29 SC cinematography Watch out for the tips (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Be careful with the tips

1:30:38 Set builds a god suit which includes the wings of Nephthys for protection, the brain of Thoth for intelligence, the heart of Osiris for dominion over all lands, and the eye of Horus so that no enemy can deceive him. The fabric is nice but makes him look like a little bitch.

Gods of Egypt 30 SC cinematography One hell of a suit (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — One hell of a suit

1:34:26 Set pays a visit to his father, Ra, on the spaceship. He tells the old man he wants immortality.

Ra: Immortality awaits us all in the afterlife.

I’m not sure Ra knows what ‘immortality’ means.

1:35:30 Ra would like Set to take over the family job of fighting a cloud and dragging the sun around by a chain. Set has a counter offer: kill his dad with bad CGI.

Gods of Egypt 31 SC Set fires his dad (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Set fires his dad

1:36:51 The gates of hell break open and chaos is spreading. I know this feeling from the time I had a bad burrito.

1:37:52

Gods of Egypt 32 SC cinematography Egypt is happy to see me (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Is that an obelisk, or is Egypt happy to see me?

1:38:18

Gods of Egypt 33 SC cinematography Apophis sucks (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Apophis sucks

1:38:20 Set sends Apophis, the Egyptian god of chaos (and the cloud that Ra was fighting), to drink the Nile and thus destroy all life on earth. But not Nicolas Cage’s career, which is already dead.

Gods of Egypt 34 GIF Apophis swallows (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Apophis swallows

1:43:38 Bek kills Urshu by knocking him off the lift in the middle of the obelisk. Now we don’t have to wait for the Urshu to drop. [Hey, you try and make a better pun with ‘Urshu’.]

1:44:39 WTF!? The reason Bek and Horus go to the top of the obelisk is to steal Ra’s sword so that Ra (who didn’t completely die [WTF!?]) can defeat Apophis. Yet when Set leaves the sword to attack Bek, Horus could simply grab the sword, but doesn’t. He’s too busy drawing the film out.

Gods of Egypt 35 SC Set up (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Set up

1:44:47 Set says he’s tired of Bek, but instead of picking up the mortal and throwing him from the tower, he decides to hold Bek so close that Bek can steal the eye of Horus. WTF!?

1:45:18 WTF!? Bek throws the eye to Horus, who decides to ignore the eye in order to save Bek. But if Horus had chosen the eye, he could’ve got his wings back and still saved Bek. Just like if he’d chosen to pick up the sword of Ra, this movie could’ve ended early and put us out of our misery.

1:46:02 WTF!? Horus decides to turn into a bird and save Bek as they fall from the tower. Apparently the whole ‘Horus can’t fly without both his eyes’ story was a load of Mnevis.

1:46:31 Horus explains the Mnevis shite about needing his eyes to transform.

I believed I needed my eye to transform, but my journey isn’t to seek revenge at all costs.

WTF!? That’s as clear as the Nile after laundry day.

1:47:14 Set and Horus have an ‘epic battle’ stolen from The Egyptian Empire Strikes Back.

Gods of Egypt 36 GIF God Wars - Horus Awakens (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — God Wars: The Horus Awakens

1:48:28

Gods of Egypt 37 SC Bringing the house down (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Bringing the house down

1:48:53 Horus kills his brother with the sword of Ra. I hope the film ends as quickly.

Gods of Egypt 38 SC Scared the piss out of of him (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Scared the piss out of him

1:50:34 Horus delivers Ra his sword, who fights off Apophis so the doors of the afterlife are reopened and Hell is back in business once more.

1:52:18 Either Bek dies from wounds sustained while battling Set, or he fell asleep watching this film like the rest of us.

1:54:01 Ra brings Bek back to life and is so relieved (or so gay) that he doesn’t care Zaya was brought back with him.

1:54:09

Gods of Egypt 39 SC cinematography Tonight we're gonna party like it's 2599 (BC) (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly) — Tonight we’re going to party like it’s 2599 (BC)

1:56:04 All of the gods are brought back with the exception of Hathor, whose sacrifice ended up meaning nothing in the grand scheme of ancient Egypt.

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

WTF!?’s: 9 classic ones
When to Follow: This might work on Saturday morning with a nice fry up as a replacement for cartoons. Don’t watch Gods of Egypt after midday, though, as you’ll turn into a sloth.
Where’s This Found: Gods of Egypt is a cheap, gold-plated souvenir sold in some Middle Eastern tourist trap. Like the ersatz bracelet Hathor wears, the director hopes we’ll be taken in by the sparkling, superficial layer on the bauble and not scratch any deeper to find there’s nothing of value beneath. Nothing — not the script, not the acting, not the special effects, not the 300/Star Wars rip-offs (or the matte work, which is this movie’s only saving grace) — can elevate this steamy camel turd of a film above the level of normal turds. Out of a possible 10, I have 4 F’s to give.

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