Loser
Spoiler Alert:
I shall be analysing each and every life line in RE: Extinction to determine if its ending would be a mercy killing or a tragic loss, so read on only if you have already seen Resident Evil: Extinction or don’t plan to.
Artist’s Conception of a Kardashian giving birth to Milla Jovovich
0:00:57 Begins with the scene from Resident Evil 1 of Alice defining the epitome of the best worst night of your life: Waking up in a shower. Alone.
0:04:37 A flying Umbrella Corp frisbee logo gun pops up from the floor and shoots Alice in the gut as she tries to escape from a hospital.
0:5:14 Seems dead Alice on the hospital floor is a clone. I imagine Milla Jovovich clones would sell quite well on the ‘open’ market. #FeminineProducts
Taking Milla Out
0:07:38 The world is dead and the whole film takes place in a desert. And here you thought your life had no action.
0:09:33 Alice comes across a band of inbred rapist freaks who would like to come across her.
Heads AND Tails
0:12:56 A nice “justifiable-revenge-you-got-what-you-deserved-death-by-zombie-dog” scene of an inbred son of a beast.
It’s a dog eat dog world, bitch
0:13:57
That was a juicy one, huh?
–Driver of bus filled with children as they run over zombies to the strains of Iron Butterfly, In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
0:14:21 Driving another of the vehicles in the convoy is the swarthy bloke and the sassy black man from Resident Evil Apocalypse. The apocalypse has been kind to them because the swarthy gent is less swarthy and the sassy man is less sassy. If you can’t afford psychoanalysis for your attitude adjustment, you might want to try psychotic analysis. ‘Fraidian therapy. A twelve-limp program. I can keep this up all day. Shocking Therapy. #toldya
0:18:36 Milla looks very stylish as a bedouin zombie assassin. Pity the costume designer didn’t also direct the film.
“Who bent my bloody swords?”
0:19:13 Lots of Pepsi product placement, speaking of mindless zombies.
0:22:42 Swarthy and Sassy are poking around the dark halls of a sombre motel. They will soon become not-fast-enough food.
0:23:36 Even the startle was zombie-like: lifeless, slow, and a little stale.
0:24:14 It looked like Sassy got bit after he put down his gun to relax after battling a zombie. He forgot that zombies never sleep. Even during this film.
0:31:11 Sony Vaio advert. Guess this isn’t set in the future, as those won’t exist much longer. Like if they were using BlackBerrys to call each other.
“I’m calling from the future on my Palm Pilot.”
0:31:28 I can confirm it’s an Alice clone because, even floating in suspended animation and totally unconscious, she still hides her lady bumps.
0:32:18 Alice lifts all the objects around her with her mind while she sleeps. Take the dead away or she may raise them as well.
0:35:11 The Birds homage (not lesbian porno–Hitchcock).
Killing two birds with one stoner
0:39:39 Alice arrives to light up the zombie, scary crows.
0:42:10
I gave [the bracelet] to you last night [while you were asleep] – - for luck.
–says K-mart to Alice as she wakes up
Uhm, bitch, you were nearly eaten alive by dead birds: keep your luck to yourself, please.
0:48:57 Sassy was definitely bitten but has yet to switch over. A double WTF.
- He knows how serious a bite is and he hasn’t told anyone
- He was bit ages ago and is changing at the rate of a Conservative crawling through maple syrup
0:52:50 Las Vegas overtaken by the desert looks cool. And better.
Alice climbs the Eiffel Tower to get a better view of the French surrendering. To everyone.
0:53:56 Cowboy doesn’t notice the sassy black man is even whiter and sicker than Michael Jackson.
0:57:35 Milla Jovovich does this.
1:02:13 Shooting crap in Las Vegas. This is the best scene in the whole film because many of the main characters die.
1:04:42 I’m still finding it rather hard to believe all the world’s zombies have decided to coagulate in the middle of a desert.
1:05:38 WTF!? How far into the zombie apocalypse are we, yet this corporate flunkie still believes you can kill a zombie by shooting him in the chest?
1:07:38 Spencer Locke (K-Mart), the least experienced actress, cries on screen far better than Milla or Ali Larter. Maybe she saw her wages compared to theirs.
K-Mart: Short for ‘Kid Marketing’
1:08:47 Wait… All of the children died? There was a whole school bus full of tots and they all became school lunch at the last/only action scene? If it’s only the three crying ladies left, the director cheated us out of a lot of deaths in the Vegas gambit.
1:10:45 Oh, there are the kids. So where were they hiding during the zombie barbecue when Swarthy blew up his truck to create a diversion for Alice and her violent feminists?
1:13:53 Alice is about to meet who the boss is, and by ‘boss’ I mean in the video game sense of the word.
Daft Punk photobomb
1:18:05 Alice gives birth to herself and it’s not often one gets the chance to say that.
1:18:44 The Alice clone dies covering her breasts with her forearms. Even English queens with no interest in Milla’s tatas find American prudery annoying.
1:22:16 Boss goes to pieces in the laser corridor, but the Alice clone saved the real Alice. Better ‘not dead’ than ‘undead’.
“The tattoo needs work, Jim Carrey.”
1:23:49 A roomful of Alices in Matrix bubbles. It’s not stealing if it’s a homage.
1:24:33 Nice cover version of “White Rabbit” by Collide.
Tally Ho’
- WTF!?’s: Only 7
- When to Follow: In my humblest of opinions, this is the worst of the Resident Evil franchise (thus far) and so the only reason I can see to watch it would be as part of an A-Z Resident Evil Marathon.
- What To Feedback: Do you agree with me that Resident Evil: Extinction is the worst of the series so far?
Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
Steals a BMW. Not trousers.
“Now where’s that damn cheese?”
Colder than we thought in the desert
“Hey, baby, what are you doing after the apocalypse?”
If men could breast feed
Did you notice his penis holster? Let’s hope he doesn’t go off half cocked.
Live Very Rounds
Waiting for a cross to grow is tedious work
“Say ‘brains’!”
What to Follow-up
WTF Watch the Film: Resident Evil
WTF Watch the Film: Resident Evil: Apocalypse
