Spoiler Alert:

I shall be analysing The Sand, sifting through its grit and surveying its grounds to to see if it’s fine or a dirty bomb. So read on only if you’ve already seen The Sand, or don’t plan to.

Watch THE SAND here

The Sand 02 123wtf Saint Pauly — Watching The Sand at the drive-in

A big thank you to thoughtful reader David M, who spotted this shite and immediately thought of me! He emailed to suggest I write it up, and I must admit this is the most fun I’ve had with a synopsis since Posiedon Rex.

0:00:27 Apparently, The Sand is also called Killer Beach. You know you’re in for a good watch when the film itself is so embarrassed it uses a fake name!

The Sand 03 SC Son of a Beach 123wtf Saint Pauly — The sequel will be “Son of a Beach”

0:00:44 Poor filming reveals that the “massive beach party” is, in fact, no more crowded than the Lady’s toilets at a Danzig concert.

The Sand 04 SC In this film, three really is a crowd 123wtf Saint Pauly — In this film, three really is a crowd

0:01:52 A forlorn blonde slapper (Brooke Butler as Kaylee) decides beer is more important than her up and coming finals. Maybe she’s preparing for a pelvic exam.

[N.B. We also saw Ms Butler in All Cheerleaders Die as Tracy Bingham]

All Cheerleaders Die 14 (WTF Saint Pauly) — “Fuck you and the camel I rode in on.”

0:02:04 Still in the beach party montage, a bloke in a t-shirt convinced every attendee to place their mobile phone in a pillow case. Sadly, I suspect this won’t be the most unbelievable part of this film.

0:02:44 A touch of gratuitous nudity to beleaguer the point the teens are becoming inebriated. They’re beating a dead horse, as are many young lads watching this movie. [NSFW screenshot of Nikki Leigh as Marsha]

0:03:07 WTF!? Two drunken party goers (Cleo Berry and Dean Geyer as Gilbert and Jonah) carry a giant, gooey lump of purple goop to the campfire. It looks like a giant brain, but this film won’t have anything like that in it.

The Sand 05 SC And here I thought this film was going to be mindless 123wtf Saint Pauly — And here I thought this film was going to be mindless

0:04:22 Spliced into the party montage are images of the morning after. This young lass is loose enough to sleep naked, yet prudish enough to cover herself up when she does.

The Sand 06 SC She slept it all off 123wtf Saint Pauly — She slept it all off

0:07:20 [NSFW screenshot of gratuitous nudity]

0:08:52 A topless Marsha promotes my website when her foot becomes stuck in the sand! [NSFW GIF of a topless totty saying “Watch The Film!”]

0:08:54 Their special effects budget was dirt cheap.

The Sand 07 SC What a sand attack looks like - seriously 123wtf Saint Pauly — What a sand attack looks like. Seriously.

0:09:57

The Sand 08 SC Another victim - of the low budget 123wtf Saint Pauly — Another victim…of the low budget

0:10:49 We get some bad CGI, finally!

The Sand 09 GIF Keeping an eye on the sand 123wtf Saint Pauly — Keeping an eye on the sand

0:11:26

Cynthia Murell as Ronnie: The sand ate him! It devoured him! It was chemicals.

Jonah: What?

Ronnie: Chemicals. There was a spill or something, like oil or something.

Jonah: That’s bullshit! Oil does not do that or the fucking Quicky Lube guy would make more than fucking minimum wage.

Ronnie: It was the government.

Meagan Holder as Chanda: So, it was the government oil chemicals that killed Vance!

And Marsha!? WTF!? Are they ignoring her because she showed her boobs?

0:11:58 The group realises all of the mobile phones are in the boot of the car, thus inaccessible. The characters are stuck, like the actors in this film…and you, watching it.

0:13:02 The car’s battery is as dead as everyone’s careers.

0:14:02 Gilbert wakes up in a dust bin and I only want to know how he could fall asleep there.

The Sand 10 SC Trashed 123wtf Saint Pauly — Trashed

0:14:05

The Sand 11 SC How Gilbert got the nickname 'Dickhead' 123wtf Saint Pauly — How Gilbert got the nickname “Dickhead”

0:17:04 The definition of “boring” is a film about people waiting in silence for sand not to attack them.

0:17:17 In two hours, the blonde has written 4 lines of her goodbye letter to her mother. She’s a woman of few words…because that’s all she knows.

0:18:58

If we’d fucked, I’d know.

Kaylee

Things blondes say.

0:20:04 The group realise everyone who passed out on the beach after the party was certainly eaten during the night. They spend a heartfelt minute mourning the the loss, which is far more than they did for Marsha, whom they actually watched die right in front of them. #RememberMarsha

0:22:42 The giant brain egg hatched at some point during the evening and its contents are no doubt responsible for this debacle. Well, that and the producers.

The Sand 12 SC Over-easy, unlike this movie 123wtf Saint Pauly — Over Easy, unlike this film

0:29:02 In a break from all of this non-action, we learn Kaylee is Jonah’s ex girlfriend, but this apparently matters more now than it did when he was snogging Chanda. I think I preferred it when nothing was happening.

0:30:48 While walking over surfboards he places on the ground, Jonah finds himself trapped between a picnic table and a board. The tentacles come up from the beach to get some of that.

The Sand 13 GIF Feel me up 123wtf Saint Pauly — Feel me up

0:34:14

The Sand 14 SC Joel can't stomach this 123wtf Saint Pauly — Jonah can’t stomach this

0:36:19 Lol, Jonah rifles through a tote bag and finds a Pepsi shop.

0:44:56 Nearly ten minutes are wasted on a sequence where Ronnie tries to stand on the rear bumper of the car to open the boot and retrieve the mobile phones. You’ll tell me the entire 80 minutes of the film is wasted, and I’d find it difficult to disagree.

0:47:27 Beach patrol officer Alex (Jamie Kennedy) arrives to investigate. As he’s wearing rubber soled boots, the tendrils can’t immediately reach him, and he assumes the entire group is on drugs. This joke gets as old as quickly as Justin Bieber in a senior strip club.

0:50:58 The patrolman drops his keys in the sand, and when he goes to fetch them, the sand attacks. Fortunately, he’s able to use his pepper spray on the sand to quell the tendrils, but the beach has already eaten his forearm. Like a bad poker player, he lost that hand.

The Sand 16 GIF Farewell to arm 123wtf Saint Pauly — Farewell to arm

0:53:52 Mitch falls from the lifeguard stand trying to catch a towel and is no more. Life’s a beach and then you die.

The Sand 17 SC A hairy situation 123wtf Saint Pauly — A hairy situation

0:54:12

The Sand 18 GF Holey-er than thou 123wtf Saint Pauly — Holey-er than thou

0:56:32 Kaylee leaps from the lifeguard station to the car and immediately proceeds to punch Chanda for having screwed Jonah, her boyfriend. With this film, Jonah’s not the only one who got screwed.

0:57:10

The Sand 19 SC 5 o'clock shadow on his cleavage 123wtf Saint Pauly — WTF!? 5 o’clock shadow on his cleavage?

0:58:38 This is the dialogue when Chanda pulls Ronnie’s fingers from the boot:

Hey, hey, hey! You’re okay. You’re okay. Come here. Come here. Look at me. Look at me. You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. Please, just look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

That’s a lot of echo for a beach.

1:04:06 While walking from the car to the picnic table where Jonah lay dying, Ronnie falls from the board she was balancing on and is swallowed by the sand. She’s grounded.

1:06:21 Gilbert feeds the monsters.

The Sand 20 SC Dumpster diving 123wtf Saint Pauly — Dumpster diving

1:07:54 WTF!? Chanda, who’d run to the Park officer’s vehicle, decides to stand on the bonnet until the monsters shake the car and she falls, knocking herself unconscious. This seems to satisfy the tentacles, who disappear. After several hours of nothing, Kaylee patiently waits until night settles in to start screaming.

1:13:06 After Jonah (who apparently was not as injured as we’d been led to believe), Kaylee and Chanda make their way to the ranger’s car, Kaylee lights the tentacle on fire with jeep petrol. The jeep, like the director’s future, goes up in flames.

The Sand 21 SC All fired up 123wtf Saint Pauly — All fired up

1:17:12 The next morning, a surfer approaches the car where the girls are asleep and Jonah woke up dead. Kaylee states the monster is dead and leaves the car with Chanda, while the dumbfounded surfer wonders why they don’t care about the dead body in the passenger seat. He’s not alone.

1:18:28 The monster is shown swimming towards a crowded pier and the threat of a sequel is the scariest part of this entire film.

Roll credits

1:20:42 WTF!? “While this picture is suggested by actual events…”!? Since when is smoking too much ganja considered an “actual event”?

A mercifully incomplete playlist:

Tally Ho’

WTF!?’s: 6 for shore!
When to Follow: Watch this in place of your Saturday morning cartoons, especially if you have a hangover, as you won’t have to change the channels as often.
Where’s This Found: As stated above, Brooke Butler stars in both The Sand and All Cheerleaders Die, and the difference between these two films illustrates perfectly the chasm between an indie film and a b-movie — and budget has nothing to do with it. Whereas All Cheerleaders… had stylish directing, a script with subplots and wanted in its soul to be loved by the viewer, The Sand is a money grab with bikinis on the cover and “horror” on the label and wants to trick the viewer into renting it–then, once it has your money, won’t care if you like it or not. I would, of course, never encourage anyone to download a film without paying for it, but if I ever did, this ‘movie’ would deserve it. Out of a possible 10, I have 2 F’s to give.