Don’t Be A Loser in High School

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be taking on this challenging movie, wrestling with it’s heavyweight concepts and trying to pin down it’s truer meanings, so read on only if you have already seen Batoru rowaiaru / Battle Royale, or don’t intend to.

When two guys without bodies are in your class

Heard about this on Sir Rodney’s excellent Fernby Films blog and had to see it for myself, and for you.

0:00:26 I won’t be the one to not tell you the film is in Japanese with subtitles.

0:01:26 15-year-old Japanese girl with a doll and blood smeared all over her face and clothes, smiling. It would be even cooler if this wasn’t a flash forward.

Blood bath and then bedtime.

0:03:17 My advice to you, which I give freely, is this:  if you’re in school and someone stabs a teacher and then throws the knife on the ground, do NOT pick up said knife and stare at the wounded teacher. #You’reWelcome.

0:05:09 The children on the bus were gassed to sleep and all came to magically at the same time, except for the one lad who woke up first. This is how we know which 男の子 passed the gas.

Kill Bill–and Ted and Jane and Fred and Maude…

0:06:54 The year 10 class wakes up in a dark schoolroom with dog collars designed by Swatch around their necks. Obviously this movie was made in the year 2000, when digital was still a fashion choice.

0:09:35 Chigusa looks like the young Japanese girl from Kill Bill. [Chiaki Kuriyama was indeed Gogo Yubari in both of the Kill Bills, and I continue to impress ]

0:11:14 School film to explain the idea of “Battle Royale”. Finally, a school film that’s useful.

0:17:14 Odd premise. The moral seems to be that young people don’t respect their elders enough and that’s why the government concocted this game.

0:20:45 How were the two outsider boys not in the class selected for this?

0:24:53

Even if she didn’t really mean it… it’s nice to have someone waiting for you.

–Flash back boy talking about a note he received from a girl inviting him back to school

I must respectfully disagree. If you know a girl doesn’t really want you back, it takes all the fun out of her saying so.

0:25:06  ”Battle Royale: Where the Hunger Games are no longer a game.”

0:27:23 One of the outsider boys grabs a machine gun and mows down a crowd of youths. A girl that he only wings decides not to play dead, preferring instead to stand up and ask “Why?” I think part of the reason he kills her is for asking stupid questions.

0:31:14 A young girl is killed with a sickle and must have one hell of a pacemaker the way her blood sprayed out of her as if from a fire hose.

“You WILL shave that moustache!”

0:31:15 There have been four suicides in two minutes. Interesting social commentary or a fast way to thin out the cast?

0:34:06 “Are you OK?” boy asks other boy who rolled over on an axe and it’s now sticking out of his head. I’d like to mow him down with a machine gun for asking stupid questions.

[Insert 'Splitting Headache' Joke]

0:40:04 One of the lasses is having her period. That’s an unfair advantage as it will turn her into a killing machine.

“Does…anyone…have…a…tampon?”

0:46:15 I know a young girl is the winner from the flash forward at the end, and I don’t mean to sound racist, but I can’t tell which of these girls will be victorious because they all look like the same anime drawing of a girl. As do the boys.

0:49:10 You’re holding a loaded crossbow, your sworn enemy has a switch-blade and tells you to come at them. Don’t you just shoot them? Perhaps the real reason the government instituted the Battle Royale was to illustrate Darwinism.

0:49:45 He asked her if she wanted to die a virgin, she stabbed him in the nuts. Direct answers can be hurtful.

0:52:08

God, can I tell him one more thing?… You look really cool, Hiroki.

Waste of last words.

Suki’s not just my name. It’s also my favourite pastime.

0:55:58 One of the outsiders is a survivor of a past edition.

0:56:33 The music in this movie is atrocious. Nicked from bad Yankee 50′s melodrama, it might be why so many of the students opt for suicide.

0:58:52 The violent outsider enrolled for fun.

My Best Twilight Impression

1:04:27 The English time written on my screen is, “0:30 p.m.”. Time to get a new clock.

1:05:50 A girl is getting dressed and two naked boys are dead. I don’t know what she did to them, but if you’ve got to die…

1:07:09 Japanese girls don’t know how to fake laugh. This is conceivably a good thing.

1:11:30 Nicely done all-girl shoot-out in the kitchen based on a dispute. One way to make a lot of sushi.

“No! We told you, this recipe doesn’t call for bullets!”

1:12:09 That’s the 4th time some young girl has been riddled with more bullets than an American carries to school, yet they don’t die. Japanese girls are tougher than they have a right to be.

1:14:02 Another suicide. I imagine those kids in The Hunger Games would have loved fighting these kids. All you’d need to do is wait around long enough for them to eliminate themselves.

1:25:34 Oops, the kid who volunteered forgot that Japanese kids don’t die well when shot. He put a bullet in one girls so now she’s kicking his ass.

“And that’s how you shoot a ketchup bottle!”

1:33:23 What? The returning champion lured the cute couple in to help him win? He healed them, cooked for them, protected them and got shot killing to save them and he’s the one who tricked them? He needs to reread the definition of ‘tricked’.

1:39:00 In fact it was all a set-up to fool the soldiers under the command of a teacher back at the school where the three survivors went, after the military decamped. Only problem was, they tried to kill the evil teacher by shooting him, forgetting momentarily that most Japanese in this movie are impervious to bullets.

“You, in the back, stop checking out my ass.”

1:42:48 The boy that saved the couple dies from his wounds on the boat the three of them are piloting back to the mainland. Then the flash forward at the beginning showing the girl won is bypassed and we see instead a card stating that the couple is wanted for murder. WTF!?

1:45:10 I rather like the song during the credits.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 6
• When to Follow: When you’ve watched The Hunger Games and want to see something with more “hunger” and less “game”.
• What To Feedback:

His weapon? Bean burrito…with extra bean

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

The Slim Reaper

“That horse lasagne gave me the trots.”

The risks of head banging

It’s a pain in the neck

Why you should never try to catch a knife with your forehead

DIY Hello Kitty Tattoos

A blow job and a little head

Yuki never got the hang of headphones

Apple Maps

“I’m gonna J-pop a cap in your ass.”

Class Photo in America

Love thy neighbour like yourself: with your left hand so it feels like someone else

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be exploring Red State in great detail, mapping out the action and getting the lay of the land. I will explore it thoroughly and survey the territory it covers so read on only if you’ve already seen Red State or don’t plan to.

“Lord, please grant me hands as feminine as my husband’s.”

0:01:38 Travis is supposed to be a high school kid? I thought the woman in the car with him was his wife, not his mother. Perhaps he’s been held back 16 times. He was stupid enough to do this movie, after all.

0:03:59 What a god awful incredible mullet that boy has. It’s so beautiful, I may vomit.

0:09:50 3 post teen adolescents drive to get laid by a cougar they found on the internet. You can’t fault this film for lack of realism.

When White People Dance

0:13:46 Of course the beers she forced them to drink were spiked. How else could they get drunk on American beer?

0:15:13 Waking up in a cage covered in a dirty white sheet isn’t by half as freaky as the hymn they’re singing.

0:18:14 While the mad preacher is preaching to loll us into a false sense of purity, I’d like to mention that the figure under the sheet on the cross is one of the young men, dead in a horrible way.

0:19:23 That one religious nut looks like Octomom.

0:19:31 Now I remember how I found this film. I was doing research on Argo‘s Kerry Bishé (she’s in this) and found this horror movie with her, made by Kevin Smith, whose work I quite like.

“Please, Ben, I’ll do anything to be in “Argo”.”

0:20:40 The actor who portrays the preacher is doing a mighty fine job.

Goes to Nick Notle’s barber and can cont to 5

0:22:46 Interesting directing. I’m just as bored as if this were a real church service. It’s been going on a full 5 minutes now.

0:25:40 They haven’t started torturing the guy on the cross yet. My bad, I was sure they had, and am sure they should have.

“Ugh, this is the last time I order a Red Ball.”

0:27:01 I’m a little lost. The preacher keeps repeating he’s going to kill these boys because they’re gay, but they were entrapped by a woman. WTF!?

0:29:22 Oh, I see, the gent they just killed was a real homosexual but not one of the three boys. The one is in the cage and the other two are politely not screaming in a storage space under the floorboards, tied up back to back, dodging the bodies of plastic wrapped victims raining down on them.

“I am not a beef burrito, I am a human being!”

0:33:49 Nice scene where the buddy abandons his friend to get free. Shame Smith will ruin it by making the escapee pay for his cowardice with his life. Which kind of makes Smith as judgemental as the preacher he’s mocking.

0:38:34 John Goodman! And also from Argo. And Ben Affleck knows Kevin Smith… Hmm, small movie.

“Hand over the toothpicks so I can stop my face from sliding off.”

0:45:47 If the door you want to use to hasten your escape is locked, perhaps using the automatic weapon you’re holding would be more efficient than trying to wear it down with incessant whimpering.

0:57:21 We’ve just escalated from horror to action. And it’s working.

1:06:41 That 4 year old girl looked like she was crying for real. More than just the motion pictures, Hollywood is also good at producing future heroin addicts.

1:11:30 Blasts of music coming from Heaven, literally. This film just got one notch better.

1:21:11 Back to the talking and the slow game, in which we are all losers.

“Praise God you cured my sweat stains.”

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: Around 2
• When to Follow: Watch this film after seeing Dogma but before Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

John Goodman realizes the pack of fags is begging to be smoked

OR ACT.

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be examining all The Day, to see if it’s long or hard and decide if it’s worth living. As I’ll be breaking it down minutely, you should only read this review if you have already been through The Day or don’t plan to.

Certainly not that haircut

0:00:50 Dominic Monaghan looking more like Charlie the addict in Lost than Merry the Hobbit.

0:01:43 His girlfriend was abducted from a minivan while he ransacked a house in a post-apocalyptic suburb. One question. Zombie or No Zombie?

0:02:37 Hmm, Dominic co-produced. Putting his money on the lines.

0:05:57 Good news. Young lasses still look sexy post- apocalypse, if a little grungy. In fact, one of them looks a little bit like Olivia Munn and the other looks like a ballet school star with mud on her face. Yes, precisely that tough. The men just look like they sacrificed hygiene at the first possible opportunity.

…or that try to watch this film.

0:09:48 There’s a thin line between suspense and boredom. This film just crossed the line.

0:11:36 Coughing Guy is rather annoying. I hope he’s the first to go.

0:15:40 I’d suspected it but I’m afraid it’s true. The brunette looks a lot better than she acts. I now officially hope she’s the first to go.

0:17:22 Where was this school they all attended together where they all had widely varying accents including English and American? School of fishy?

A “baby” gun

0:17:58 The dumb brunette takes a shower in running rain water. This is why they brought her along and probably where she gets it. One way or the other.

0:18:28 Or perhaps not. Dominic Monaghan joins her in the shower but keeps his trousers on. WTF!?

0:21:27 Ballerina is addicted to cigarettes yet when she smokes she doesn’t inhale. Maybe she’s just addicted to lighting cigarettes.

“Yeah, I’m winking at you!”

0:24:42 Why is Dominic the leader? Simply because he gets paid the most?

0:29:14 Now Ballerina is bathing in a stream with her underwear on. It would seem no one in the apocalypse is ever naked.

0:30:29 If you ever decide to watch this film, start at 0:30:29. That’s how long it takes for the action to start.

0:31:30 Dominic Monaghan dies at the beginning. Points for unpredictability.

“No one surprises me on the loo!”

0:33:39 The boards above them are thin with light shining through between them yet they’re looking for something to pry open the thick, impenetrable, locked metal door? WTF?!

“One false move and the ceiling gets it!”

0:39:56 A rather long flashback to explain the origin of Ballerina’s trauma. It will be horrific and tedious.

0:48:35 Coughing Guy has gotten a lot healthier since his best friend died and his other mate started torturing Ballerina, who’s now tied to a chair because she belonged to the cannibal clan that wants to attack them for dinner.

0:52:12 Our crew let Ballerina go because the cannibals ate her sister (and not in the fun way), so now she must assist them in trashing the clan-nibals.

0:56:08 Good news, ten years into the post-apocalyptic world and women still shave their underarms smooth. Bad news, men care even less than they do before the apocalypse.

Sneaking inside to shave her pits.

1:04:29 The head head hunter’s son died. The question is, does he eat his own flesh and blood?

1:07:03 I don’t understand why the two women did nothing to save their black friend after he saved the brunette and shot four more bad guys. Apparently one does go back after going black. Or once you go black you stab him in the back.

1:15:04 Good music and good gore.

1:19:34 The bad news is people make a lot of boring speeches ten years after the apocalypse.

“That’s one bad cavity.”

1:19:53 I’ll wager the young canni-belle child who just got revenge by killing the bad actress will now come forward and ruin this happy ending.

1:21:16 No, she tried but lost her head.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 4 of the worst ones
• When to Follow: After you watch The Road and you’re über depressed about the post-apocalyptic world, watch this one because it’s less realistic and it will be easier to tell yourself it’s only a film.

G.I. Joking

Spoiler Alert:

My sell mate Al K Hall over at the Bar None and I decided to divide & conquer the Joes. He got the easy job of reviewing G.I. Joe: Retalation, while I was asked to bite the bullet and give G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra a going over. I shall be toying with the movie in great detail, analysing every realist action pose, and examining every articulation. Read on only if you have already seen G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra, or don’t intend to.

Heavy Duty, did you smuggle in all these copies of “Booby Traps”?

0:00:39 Big sign at the beginning that it’s produced by Hasbro. This is also known as a ‘Bad Sign’.

0:01:13 Starts off in France in 1641. Like the plague. Another bad sign. Who knew the French spoke English with a French accent in 1641? No doubt the same lot who knew this film is educational.

0:04:59 Channing Tatum, who will soon be out-acted by the chairs.

0:05:26 Believe it or not, I’m starting to feel bad about that last remark. That wasn’t nice. To the chairs.

Help me! My career is hanging on by a thread!

0:07:54

Oh my gosh!

Yank helicopter pilot’s last words as the missiles approach his face. Americans even die in “PG-13″.

0:09:32 The “Bad Guy” is a bad girl. Surprisingly realistic for an action movie.

0:11:13 If this rescue team is so bloody efficient, why are they the backup team?

‘Not what I meant by “covering ground”, Channing Tatum.’

0:14:12

‘Hey, bro, you’ve got some real life-like hair there- – and ooh, a kung fu grip.’

Marlon Wayans makes a funny reference to the original G. I. Joe doll adverts

0:16:41 The casting agent did a brilliant job. By hiring only the worst actors, we’re meant to not notice that they’re all bad. At a pig farm, everything stinks and looks sloppy.

0:20:19 If the evil alliance had enough money to secretly build a city the size of New York underwater, and they can employ more people than the size of many small African nations, and they have more advanced weaponry than the entire United States under George W Bush on the 4th of July, what could they possibly gain by holding the world hostage with moth bots? They obviously have more money and power than they could ever use already…

Sea World

0:27:39 Woman makes her fiancé promise that he’ll protect her egghead brother no matter what.

He’s the only family I have left.

This is also known as a ‘Death Sentence’ in film-speak

0:27:44 Apparently the info the Joes needed from Duke (Channing Tatum), to see if he qualifies to be on their elite combat team, is the story of how he proposed to the lady bad guy. Those Joes always were the most Desperate Housewives of super heroes.

Looking for something to protect his nuts

0:33:02 Love is so easy in the States. All you need do is fall in it, confess it and then stubbornly insist on it until the sex object of your affections changes her mind and loves you in return. Stalk long enough and she’ll come around, is the message I’m getting.

0:39:25 One woman is a highly trained Joe-ess and the other is an unhappy housewife, yet the fight is evenly matched. Doesn’t say much about the Joe’s training. The only way the Joe could win is by turning on her invisible suit that she should have turned on at the outset. Oops, wait, she still lost! WTF!?

When Wonder Bra meets Rubber Maid

0:43:57 Child kung fu fight scene is rather striking.

0:50:53 At a funeral, Duke wears sunglasses in the rain. What passes for ‘cool’ in the States will never cease to confuse me.

0:51:37 “De Cobray” Institute. I’m not sure what to do with that, especially as I’m afraid they’re serious.

0:52:54 This scene really was filmed in Paris. Credit where credit is due.

Parisian Tourist Trap

1:05:44 The Eiffel Tower falling over looked real. Frenchies will soon be surrendering left and right.

1:22:40 There is a character with the name ‘Dr Mindbender’. That someone could even think of such a name is sad, write it down even sadder, but that someone would read it and still decide to use it speaks badly for the human race.

1:24:43 The attractive ginger (Rachel Nichols) kisses the black guy good luck while the bad girl is having doubts about her evilness because she’s still in love with Duke and wants him to put his Duke up. Basically this film is a romantic unintentional comedy. Taking Notting Hill. When Hairy Met Sally. My Big Fat Greek Heat Seeking Missile.

‘What do you mean I’m “hung like a white guy”?’

1:24:45 By the way–and it’s so obvious I shouldn’t have to say it–the bad woman will save Duke at the last minute but she will have to die for her sins of the beginning of the film. To bad for G.I. Joe, who just wants to spank her.

1:42:31 Rise of the Cobra is like the first time a boy finds his penis: Lots of action but none of it original.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 5 of the worst kind
• When to Follow: When you’re a 15 year-old-boy who’s too old to play with G.I. Joes but not too old to watch them.

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Hmm, a firm hand gently cupping my arse. Hmm, Heavy Duty, could that be you?

Meanwhile, Heavy Duty says, “Still not happy with the ‘Heavy Doody’ jokes. Or the penis haircut.”

“Gun Control? I am Gun Control.”

Another rough trip through customs

One way to bring the house down

“Anything showing up on your Gay-dar?”

“My Gay-dar is going off constantly in this film!”

Catching a train. Literally.

The original versions of the iWatch proved to be impractical

Seems they’re marketing for a specific audience: Asses

“Hmm, do I have anything more revealing to wear in this closet? Nope!”

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be examining every nook and cranny of the House at the End of the Street, testing its foundations, and exploring its every passage  to determine if it raises the roof or belongs in the bargain basement. Read on only if you have seen House at the End of the Street or don’t plan to.

‘Oh my God, those aren’t raisins that I’ve been eating!’

0:04:53 Jennifer Lawrence’s throaty voice is just the right amount of manly. She can kick my arse, any time.

0:05:48 Adolescents the world over (and Al K Hall) are mentally playing connect the dots with the freckles in Jennifer Lawrence’s cleavage.

Classic Hood Ornament

0:11:38 At the neighbourhood pot-luck everyone asks J-Law if she wants to swim and she doesn’t have a swim suit on. Pervs.

0:12:17 In the middle of the meal, she asks everyone to tell the murder story. Looks like food isn’t the only thing she puts in her mouth. #HerFoot

0:13:55 J-Law playing guitar and singing a very doubtful love song. Still, she makes a cute job of it.

0:16:03 Tyler’s “Famine Relief” group is just a front for a teen party. Those kids in America are living on the edge, playing liars poker and… wait for it… spin the bottle. #PG13

‘Hey, you’re wearing a shirt made for an obese man.’

0:17:26 Tyler tries to date rape J-Law but it’s not very traumatic because she’s more of a man than he is.

0:21:15 Ryan, who lives in the House at the End of the Street, gives her a lift home from the party, but not a ride. You think that joke was bad, check out the dialogue in the film.

0:25:10 Ryan keeps his sister who murdered their parents like a pet in the basement.

As children, they didn’t play ‘Doctor’, but ‘Dentist’

0:33:02 In another shining example of etiquette abuse, J-Law walks around uninvited in the House at the End of the Street and forces Ryan to tell her all he knows about the time his sister murdered their parents.

0:34:34 We learn the sister went feral because she fell backwards off a swing while her parents were smoking heroine. Don’t try this at home.

0:36:02 Return to the basement and the room where he’s locked up his sister. Wouldn’t it be more humane if she were in a hospital?

0:38:09 He forgot to lock the door, so now the crazy sister is on the loose in her nightgown (not a bra-less joke).

If her neckline was any lower, it’d be a belt

0:39:41… and runs straight for J-Law’s house for no apparent reason other than she might be a lesbian (and aren’t we all when it comes to Jennifer Lawrence?).

0:42:13 More J-Law singing, this time with her new bff’s brother’s band. Think Billie Holiday, if Billie couldn’t sing and only did Soft Cell covers.

0:43:35 Funny, now J-Law’s soused mum (the inimitable Elisabeth Shue) is prying into Ryan’s business and J-Law is offended. That’s ironic and also explains where J-Law herself learned to be so rude. Social graces don’t fall far from the tree.

‘Why yes, I do get drunk and buy art. How did you guess?’

0:51:29 Ryan & J-Law’s first kiss and it’s only at this moment I realize the entire film is horromance marketed at teen-aged girls. I’ve been so blind.

0:53:20 Mad sister is escaping yet again. She’s out of the closet more than Neil Patrick Harris. This time it’s while Ryan and J-Law snog upstairs.

‘Get. Your. Nose. Out of my nose!’

0:54:00 Ryan scoots J-Law out of his house before she can see his crazy sister wielding a huge knife. She’s asking him what the matter is, but what she’s really saying is,  “WTF, I just put in my IUD.”

0:55:13 Bonus points! I did not see this coming. While preventing his sister from attacking a car parked on the roadside, he accidentally broke her neck. The hero just killed his own sister.

“Brrrrrrmmm….brrrrmmmmm”

1:00:34 He buried his sister, went to a diner where an attractive young waitress gave him free food because he seemed sad, now we see him putting a new handle on the basement door after calling J-Law, which means he kidnapped the waitress and is holding her prisoner in his sister’s old room. Old habits die in the boot of your car.

1:02:06 Date Rape and his mates destroyed Ryan’s car and started pounding on Ryan when he went to the high school to support J-Law’s band, but then Ryan grabbed the guy’s leg and broke it like a twig and it was a great twist.

1:02:44 J-Law drove his magically repaired car to his house where Date Rape’s friends are preparing to burn down his house and at no point has it occurred to anyone to call the police.

How hot Jennifer Lawrence is

1:04:35 At his home now to put out his fire, J-Law finds tampons in his trash and suspects he’s a pussy, so she goes exploring.

1:07:15 What kind of psycho puts only one shoe in the drier?

1:09:17 The waitress in the basement reveal (see my note above at 1:00:03) finally happens. It’s not easier being smarter than the film.

1:11:03 It takes J-Law a lot longer than me to realize House Boy kidnapped the waitress, and when she does, she decides to stand there and do nothing until he has the time to capture her.

Often while they walked, Jennifer Lawrence would practice her counting

1:13:05 None of the girls were his sister! He’s been collecting dead ringers all these years, only they were just ringers when he caught them.

1:14:25 The police officer going to check on House Boy should not make any long term plans, like for tomorrow.

1:19:01 The officer realizes I was right all along. He’s outside, House Boy is inside. Maybe he should call for backup. You’d think this brilliant idea would occur to someone other than me, like maybe the trained law enforcement agent.

1:21:41 The policeman is over and out, and I remain smarter than the film.

1:26:25 Elisabeth Shue receives a knife to the gut. She didn’t see it coming, and neither did I.

‘My hair is the scariest thing in this film!’

1:30:32 Pop quiz: Your mother is bleeding out from a knife wound from to the stomach and you’ve just shot her attacker three times. Do you go and try to get help, or do you slowly approach the serial killer with the knife beside him to see if he’s really dead?

1:31:14 He wasn’t dead and grabbed her–as we all knew he would–but we could not predict the dying mum coming back from the dead to hit him with a hammer.

‘Go away, Mum! I’m having your period.”

1:33:07 Jump forward, the ladies are moving out and Ryan is institutionalised and J-Law misses the love they shared but not the psychosis.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: Only 5
• When to Follow: When you’re a 15 year old girl with a heart of gold who’s nonetheless attracted to bad boys.
• What To Feedback: Caption This!

?????????

In the Comments section, write a caption for this photo to win unbelievable prizes. Seriously, you’ll win and you’ll say, ‘I don’t believe this shite.’

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

‘Wow, you *are* a pain in the neck.’

Rednecks make J-Law throw up a little in her mouth

Because Fruit Ninja isn’t as easy as it seems

Picking Guitars, and nits. But mostly nits.

Play Again?

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be digging deep into the heart of Resident Evil to see what makes it tick. I will lay to rest its myths, unearth its plot, and resuscitate its mystique so read on only if you have already seen Resident Evil or don’t plan to.

His barf is worse than his bite

0:02:50 Whoever designed a lab that treats Biohazards with an air vent that leads to every other room in the building missed a very important class in Architect School.

0:04:40 The virus is released into the lab. Best ever beginning to a zombie movie (including The English Patient).

0:08:17 One of the few films where crawling out of a lift stuck between floors actually halves the human. Narrow capture.

0:08:53 No woman, not even Milla Jovovich, would make that much of an effort to hide her nudity when she wakes up from a coma. on the floor of a shower. totally alone.

‘I really must buy a new bed.’

0:13:15 Whenever I watch an action film, I look for this moment when Special Forces come in through the windows to the sound of heavy metal music. This moment created a yardstick by which I judge all action films.

0:15:18 I remember that train in The Hive from the original video game. The film actually does an efficient job of recreating the ambiance of the game. Takes me back to my PS2 days. Yes, I’m dating myself. No, that’s not a masturbation reference.

0:16:54 A crack team with elite training whose members hear noises in a hostile environment and tell themselves ‘Must be my imagination, even if I heard it three times. Not worth mentioning to the rest of the team’? That’s the wrong kind of crack.

“I know you’re listening to One Direction.”

0:27:00 Drowned floating zombie opens her eyes and puts her hand on the glass creepily. Well done, drowned floating zombie, well done.

0:32:49 Killer scene with the lasers and body bits that slide off like Michael Jackson on a windy day.

0:33:14 On the other hand, why does the laser get more and more difficult to avoid? Wouldn’t it just start out at the mesh level to eliminate everything the first time?

0:34:34 All the people were made into diced cubes, so why is the pulse bomb they left in the bag in the hallway still in one piece? WTF!?

0:36:36 “You’re all going to die down here.” Iconic line delivered in a proper English accent by a proper English girl. (Also the slogan of my favourite salve against pubic lice.)

0:36:56 The genetic monsters in the mechanical cocoons are reminiscent of Aliens. Time to play… Homage or pillage?

0:38:01 Let the unleashing of the zombies begin.

0:42:14 More great rock and roll soundtrack to accompany the killing. Nicely played.

0:45:42 One of the paramilitary was eaten alive… and not in the good way. It might have been the leader, but honestly all the men in this movie look the same–it’s as though the casting director only employed men that reminded her of her daddy.

Chad has good taste

0:47:36 Oh yes, the devil dogs. This film actually follows the video game quite closely. Like a devil Doberman.

0:49:51 Awesome fight scene with the devil dogs. Very well filmed and nice twists.

0:50:23 More great heavy metal and slo-mo action… What more could you ask of something that has no hands?

Michelle Rodriguez after seeing her first penis

0:51:42 He took the time to read a woman’s name on her badge out loud. This means we shall be seeing said woman as a zombie sooner rather than later.

0:52:24 Didn’t take me long to be right.

0:58:54 Rather boring description of the bad science behind the zombies and we didn’t even ask for it.

Brain Food

0:59:33 Granted this is one of the earliest new zombie films, but it took them this long to learn they need to shoot zombies in the head to kill them?

1:01:17 Michelle Rodriguez is at her sexiest when wielding a weapon. If I were her, and sometimes I pretend I am, I’d be packing wherever I went.

Wanted: Undead or Alive

1:14:08 Her fake husband was the bad guy. No surprise there. If someone’s going to betray you, it’s probably going to be your spouse. #Innit

1:17:03 Pop quiz: You’ve been bitten by a contagious zombie but you have the antidote loaded into a syringe pressed up against your arm and you hear a noise. Do you take the half second and finish injecting the antivirus or do you stop everything and risk falling prey to the disease because you’re curious? There you go being smarter than the movie, too.

1:27:09 Nicely done, if a bit routine, fight against the tongue monster. Again, the soundtrack is amazing. As is the tongue.

1:30:28 Alice / Milla Jovovich gets captured by scientists. First ending.

Heil Milla!

1:31:06 Alice wearing two paper tablecloths tied together. Interesting fashion choice…for a woman in a trailer park.

1:32:31 Alice wakes up alone and can’t see the zombies on the other side of the two way mirror. The film that can’t stop ending…like a zombie?!

“That’s no zombie, that’s Nicole Kidman!”

1:34:01 We see Raccoon City devastated, then cut to credits.

1:34:17 Good metal punk during the credits.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 5 more or less big ones
• When to Follow: After you haven’t watched it for at least 3 years. it’ll be much better than you remember it.
• What To Feedback: Caption This!

???????????????

In the Comments section, write a caption for this photo to win unbelievable prizes. Seriously, you’ll win and you’ll say, ‘I don’t believe this shite.’

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

The Michelle Rodriguez blow-up doll

Alice fails to score during a wet t-short contest. Or after.

Seems someone has zombie breath

Michelle Rodriguez as Lindsay Lohan’s gynocolegist

What to Follow Up

WTF!? Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Except how to dress myself

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be reviving Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and in this delicate operation I shall lay bare the heart of the film while exposing it’s guts and glory, so read on only if you’ve already seen Resident Evil: Apocalypse or don’t plan to.

Let Us Prey

0:02:22 The film begins before Resident Evil ends because at the end of that first one, Raccoon City was devastated but here it’s business as usual.

0:06:31 Have you seen Jill Valentine’s police uniform? To quote Sir Mick Jagger, ‘She make a dead man come.’ (And in this film, that could happen.)

Her uniform is department issues

0:11:15 In a daring rescue, a hero rescues a girl who was bitten but she knows what it means to be bitten, so she jumps off of the skyscraper. Once bitten, twice die.

0:15:49

You do what you have to do, I’m staying,

–says the scientist in the wheelchair

Why is no one laughing, because he must be joking. If some goon starts pushing the wheelchair into a plane, it’s not as though he can get up and run the other way.

0:18:34 A lot of time is taken to show Alice was experimented on before she escaped. Flashbacks are also zombies, eating the brains of this film.

Brain Drain

0:19:14 There are no zombies in the church. #irony

0:20:02 I’d forgotten about the weather girl with the hand cam that has unlimited recording capacity and never runs out of batteries. In 2004.

‘Bitch, why are you filming that empty pew?’

0:23:45 More attempts at suspense than action, and unfortunately they’re as lame as a one-legged zombie.

0:26:38 The action arrives with Alice.

0:27:17

GTA, mother fucker!

–says man who escaped police station earlier, as he runs over zombies in his large American car

Cute video game reference in a film based on another video game. Like Inception, only fun.

0:27:27 Topless streetwalkers on the pavement. They might be zombies, but how does one tell with a prostitute?

0:30:26 Unfortunately, the actress (Sienna Guillory) they chose to play Jill Valentine looks like Jill more than she acts like Jill. Unless, of course, the real Jill Valentine is an emotionless blob of robot jelly, in which case Sienna’s portrayal is spot on.

How to turn on a car

0:34:06 I should probably mention there’s a trio of swarthy looking SWAT blokes I have absolutely no interest in, wandering the city.

0:37:16

I’m surprised there’s anyone left.

They’re STARS: Special Tactics And Rescue Service. They’re the best.

If they’re the best and there are twelve of them, you’d think at least one would know you have to shoot a zombie in the head and not in the bullet proof armour. I really, really dislike zombie movies when no one ever tries to shoot a zombie in the head even after emptying 1000 rounds into his body to no effect.

Alice got her trousers 1/2 off

0:42:18 Milla vs Nemesis, Round 1. Forget Nemesis–if my wee sister had a rapid fire super weapon like that, she’d be a bad ass as well.

0:45:51 The trio of swarthy lads is now a duet. They belong to the same Special Education Forces as those who didn’t go for a head shot. How do I know this? Because one of them was bitten by a zombie and doesn’t seem the least bit concerned. This is why America will fall first in the Zombie Apocalypse.

0:51:53 Weather girl just got eaten for school lunch because she didn’t know that you have to hear a person speak before you can be sure it’s not a zombie. Zombies should be obscene and not heard.

No Class

0:58:52

They infected you [with the T-virus] as well?

Yes, but don’t worry, it’s not contagious.’

–said Milla with the same smile she uses for discussing STD viruses

1:00:49 Running down the side of a building in slo-mo? Very cool, if anyone should ask.

1:04:4 Milla vs Nemesis: the Rematch.

1:06:34 How can you tell if a fight scene is well filmed? The shots don’t jump around more than the actors, and angles don’t change 3 times every 5 seconds. Ah, if only the director had been as clever as you and asked me this same question before filming this scene.

Alice gets rear ended

1:13:07 The evil head of Umbrella Corporation is left to be eaten by zombies. Just desserts.

1:15:03 Nicely filmed leveling of Raccoon City by a nuclear bomb ends with Milla being impaled by flying shrapnel. Think meat lolly.

1:17:45 Al K Hall has asked me to note any moment when Milla appears naked.

After a night at Al’s Bar None

1:20:17 Milla fighting a room of people with only her right hand because she has to hold up a sheet over her boobs with her left is ridiculous.

Cold shower, anyone?

1:23:15 She’s rescued by her friends but she’s been made into a traitor android zombie.

1:23:21 A nice metal song to watch the credits by.

1:25:02 Message interrupting credits to say film is an Umbrella Corporation production.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: Only 4.
• When to Follow: Only after watching the first instalment. Resident Evil: Apocalypse does not stand on its own all that well.
• What To Feedback: Vote and let your zombie voice be heard!

What to Follow-up

WTF!? Resident Evil

WTF!? The Day

And Tired.

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be dissecting every section of the Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) to determine if the film will get under your skin or serve simply to bug you, so read on only if you have already seen Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) or don’t plan to. 

Warning: The subject matter of this film is not for anyone. The pictures used below are NSFW and NSFWTF (Not Safe for Whomever and Not Safe for WTF), proceed at your own risk. You Have Been Warned.

I’m in a darker place than my bed at 12:36am, and so I figured I may as well give Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence a look.

0:00:36 Black and white excerpt of Human Centipede 1 (First Sequence), showing more boob than originally. Black and white and boob? Could this be an art film?

0:03:02 Some heavy, balding security guard (Martin) is watching the original film on his laptop. He’s black and white, as well.

Human Centipedophile

0:04:21 Two English youths are in the car park, where the guard comes out to assist them with their locked car carrying a crowbar. They mock him. Here’s a tip: choose someone not wielding a crowbar when looking for someone to antagonize.

0:04:35 Oh, and by the by, the guard is also carrying a pistol. He shot boy Chav in the foot and girl Chav in the thigh. He who laughs last is probably carrying a loaded weapon.

0:04:50 The Guard kills the lad with a blow to the head with the crowbar. He apparently did not read his job description all that closely.

0:05:14 He does in the lass in the same fashion. This is also known as “taking out the white trash”.

0:06:38 Even if it looks as though they’re dead, the guard parks his truck beside them and duct tapes the girl’s wrists behind her back. Maybe she’s just playing dead. Like all the actors in Human Centipede 2.

0:07:04 There’s already another bound and bloody boy in the back of the van. Seems he’s starting a collection.

0:07:46 He’s got his own personal Human Centipede scrap book. #crapbook

Human Centipede: Step by Step (by step, by step, by step, by step, by step, by step, by step, by step, by step, by step, by step…)

0:09:09 Driving home with a van full of bound and bloody babe bodies. #booty

0:10:35 He goes to Hire-a-Warehouse and they conveniently cut the scene where he overpowers the much taller and stronger landlord. WTF!?

0:12:01 The guard’s cutting off the still mostly unconscious lass’s clothes. She’s got a nice bra. Maybe her mother told her to always leave the house with clean undies.

0:13:07 Martin the Guard receives a phone call from a Hollywood yank who tells him in yank-speak he’s not interested in a human centipede idea. We can’t help but agree.

0:14:39 We’re afforded a shot of this horrid little man at home, where his mother (or possibly his wife) comes in to berate him for having shit himself. Could there possibly be a reason for this other than filler (and I’m not talking about his pants)?

0:15:56 Not plumber’s crack–Psycho’s crack?–as the deformed guy walks around his bedroom in his sagging and soiled pants. You know the kid who you paid a shilling to eat his own boogers? Well, now he’s directing films. And you’ve paid to watch him yet again.

0:16:41 The psychiatrist who makes house calls has a beard which makes him more insane than his patients. He sits and watches while Martin the Guard observes a centipede he has in a terrarium. The centipede makes more noise than many people I’ve slept with.

His chin found the hair he lost

0:20:22 At least the first film had focus. Here we’re just wandering around the film bored and waiting for a sign to give us direction. #stop

0:22:29 Martin has no problem getting three men tied up in a warehouse, but when one brute comes down because Martin’s mother banged on the ceiling to complain about the loud techno music, Martin gets thrashed like this film at the hands of film critics.

0:22:33 Everything is just so random. At least the first instalment had the decency to be kitsch.

0:22:48 He’s peeing blood from the neighbour’s beating, yet doesn’t have a mark on him. Maybe he’s hurting inside. (As are all those who choose to watch this abortion.)

0:26:45 The actor playing Martin can’t even fake a cough.

0:29:40 Two dirty Essex girls walk through the garage, and the blonde peeps while Martin tugs on his own human centipede to Human Centipede 1.

0:37:35 Philosophical question: Can it really be called ‘acting’ if it’s just a bloke standing in front of a camera?

It’s a Boy

0:39:18 Martin sics his real centipede (the loud one) on his mother before beating her to death with a crowbar. This is one way to get her to open up.

De-faced

0:42:58 In the magical car park where no more than one car at a time ever comes in, the doctor from earlier happens to be there having a three-way with another man and a prostitute in a compact car. #tightsqueeze

0:44:20 The biggest and serial WTF is that Martin knows just how hard to hit his victims with the crowbar so that they don’t die or suffer permanent injury, yet become unconscious for the exact amount of time he needs them to.

A Little Prick

0:45:33 I seriously think they chose black and white after the film was already made because it looked too ridiculous in colour. #deadserious.

0:48:30 One of the actresses from the first film (Ashlynn Yennie) plays herself auditioning for a role in a Tarantino film. No alarms go off when she’s picked up by a man in a bloody coat driving a filthy van and who never speaks. Turns out there is such a thing as too dumb to live.

Being taken for a ride

0:49:55 And she’s not surprised that the audition takes place in an abandoned warehouse. Please, put her out of my misery.

Dumb, it’s not just for blondes anymore

0:51:41 Insects in a jar close-up. Insects bug me.

0:55:04 His method of anaesthetizing  them for the surgery is to clock them on the back of the head with a crowbar. It would seem Full Sequence is less ‘medically accurate’ than it’s inbred sibling film, First Sequence.

0:56:02 He knocks their teeth out with a hammer. One more thing I could have lived forever and not missed seeing.

National Health Service dental care

0:58:02 Proving my point that crowbar anaesthesia is not medically sound, Martin accidentally killed the pregnant woman. And speaking of ‘sound’, his hearing is so good he can hear the foetus’s heartbeat in the dead mother’s womb.

1:01:53 One man bleeds to death after having his arse removed (arsectomy?). Again, I’d like to have a doctor’s opinion on most of this film. Unfortunately, anyone with any ounce of intelligence gave up on this film when they learned of it’s existence.

1:02:39 Martin staples mouths to arses for the centipede. How does that even work?

1:10:32 Ashlynn can no longer make a sound because he removed her tongue? How does the human body work again?

Funnel Vision

1:14:01 If you would just like to skip to the moment when they chain evacuate into each other’s mouths, it happens here, complete with sound effects. Who is more stupid, the actors who are paid to star in this or myself, who voluntarily watches it for free?

1:14:34 And now some of the waste leaks out down the backs of legs and fronts of faces. In all likelihood, I am the only person ever in the history of cinema to make it this far into the film.

Queuing for the loo

1:16:31 Plot twist. The pregnant woman isn’t dead and she is now running through the warehouse, apparently about to give birth, judging from the liquid gushing out of her.

1:16:41 The triumph of the human spirit. She runs naked outside and steals a car while in labour.

1:17:48 The car won’t start so she has the baby sitting up in the front seat. ‘Baby, you can drive my car…’

1:18:24 Back inside, one man literally tears himself away from another. And yet I can’t tear myself away from this train wreck.

1:19:30 So Martin shoots him in the head upon returning to the warehouse.

1:20:04 He is now executing each of them one at a time with a bullet to the head. #menext

They’re all lying!

1:21:17 Out of bullets, he now saws through their necks with a dull blade as they crawl.

1:23:02 The last woman kneeling catches Martin off guard, punches him in the crotch, jams a funnel up his arse and drops a vicious centipede inside. Much like this film, centipedes are hard to digest.

1:23:18 He stabs the woman and has killer indigestion.

1:25:04 Seems all this was a dream because now Martin is back in his garage office, watching the first movie on his computer. The director has succeeded in doubly wasting our time.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 15+
• When to Follow: The only reason this should be watched: you’re hell bent on making Human Centipede 1 look good.
• What To Feedback

Where to Follow-up

Loser

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be analysing each and every life line in RE: Extinction to determine if its ending would be a mercy killing or a tragic loss, so read on only if you have already seen Resident Evil: Extinction or don’t plan to.

Artist’s Conception of a Kardashian giving birth to Milla Jovovich

0:00:57 Begins with the scene from Resident Evil 1 of Alice defining the epitome of the best worst night of your life: Waking up in a shower. Alone.

0:04:37 A flying Umbrella Corp frisbee logo gun pops up from the floor and shoots Alice in the gut as she tries to escape from a hospital.

0:5:14 Seems dead Alice on the hospital floor is a clone. I imagine Milla Jovovich clones would sell quite well on the ‘open’ market. #FeminineProducts

Taking Milla Out

0:07:38 The world is dead and the whole film takes place in a desert. And here you thought your life had no action.

0:09:33 Alice comes across a band of inbred rapist freaks who would like to come across her.

Heads AND Tails

0:12:56 A nice “justifiable-revenge-you-got-what-you-deserved-death-by-zombie-dog” scene of an inbred son of a beast.

It’s a dog eat dog world, bitch

0:13:57

That was a juicy one, huh?

–Driver of bus filled with children as they run over zombies to the strains of Iron Butterfly, In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida

0:14:21 Driving another of the vehicles in the convoy is the swarthy bloke and the sassy black man from Resident Evil Apocalypse. The apocalypse has been kind to them because the swarthy gent is less swarthy and the sassy man is less sassy. If you can’t afford psychoanalysis for your attitude adjustment, you might want to try psychotic analysis. ‘Fraidian therapy. A twelve-limp program. I can keep this up all day. Shocking Therapy. #toldya

0:18:36 Milla looks very stylish as a bedouin zombie assassin. Pity the costume designer didn’t also direct the film.

“Who bent my bloody swords?”

0:19:13 Lots of Pepsi product placement, speaking of mindless zombies.

0:22:42 Swarthy and Sassy are poking around the dark halls of a sombre motel. They will soon become not-fast-enough food.

0:23:36 Even the startle was zombie-like: lifeless, slow, and a  little stale.

0:24:14 It looked like Sassy got bit after he put down his gun to relax after battling a zombie. He forgot that zombies never sleep. Even during this film.

0:31:11 Sony Vaio advert. Guess this isn’t set in the future, as those won’t exist much longer. Like if they were using BlackBerrys to call each other.

“I’m calling from the future on my Palm Pilot.”

0:31:28 I can confirm it’s an Alice clone because, even floating in suspended animation and totally unconscious, she still hides her lady bumps.

0:32:18 Alice lifts all the objects around her with her mind while she sleeps. Take the dead away or she may raise them as well.

0:35:11 The Birds homage (not lesbian porno–Hitchcock).

Killing two birds with one stoner

0:39:39 Alice arrives to light up the zombie, scary crows.

0:42:10

I gave [the bracelet] to you last night [while you were asleep] – - for luck.

–says K-mart to Alice as she wakes up

Uhm, bitch, you were nearly eaten alive by dead birds: keep your luck to yourself, please.

0:48:57 Sassy was definitely bitten but has yet to switch over. A double WTF.

1. He knows how serious a bite is and he hasn’t told anyone
2. He was bit ages ago and is changing at the rate of a Conservative crawling through maple syrup

0:52:50 Las Vegas overtaken by the desert looks cool. And better.

Alice climbs the Eiffel Tower to get a better view of the French surrendering. To everyone.

0:53:56 Cowboy doesn’t notice the sassy black man is even whiter and sicker than Michael Jackson.

0:57:35 Milla Jovovich does this.

1:02:13 Shooting crap in Las Vegas. This is the best scene in the whole film because many of the main characters die.

1:04:42 I’m still finding it rather hard to believe all the world’s zombies have decided to coagulate in the middle of a desert.

1:05:38 WTF!? How far into the zombie apocalypse are we, yet this corporate flunkie still believes you can kill a zombie by shooting him in the chest?

1:07:38 Spencer Locke (K-Mart), the least experienced actress, cries on screen far better than Milla or Ali Larter. Maybe she saw her wages compared to theirs.

K-Mart: Short for ‘Kid Marketing’

1:08:47 Wait… All of the children died? There was a whole school bus full of tots and they all became school lunch at the last/only action scene? If it’s only the three crying ladies left, the director cheated us out of a lot of deaths in the Vegas gambit.

1:10:45 Oh, there are the kids. So where were they hiding during the zombie barbecue when Swarthy blew up his truck to create a diversion for Alice and her violent feminists?

1:13:53 Alice is about to meet who the boss is, and by ‘boss’ I mean in the video game sense of the word.

Daft Punk photobomb

1:18:05 Alice gives birth to herself and it’s not often one gets the chance to say that.

1:18:44 The Alice clone dies covering her breasts with her forearms. Even English queens with no interest in Milla’s tatas find American prudery annoying.

1:22:16 Boss goes to pieces in the laser corridor, but the Alice clone saved the real Alice. Better ‘not dead’ than ‘undead’.

“The tattoo needs work, Jim Carrey.”

1:23:49 A roomful of Alices in Matrix bubbles. It’s not stealing if it’s a homage.

1:24:33 Nice cover version of “White Rabbit” by Collide.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: Only 7
• When to Follow: In my humblest of opinions, this is the worst of the Resident Evil franchise (thus far) and so the only reason I can see to watch it would be as part of an A-Z Resident Evil Marathon.
• What To Feedback: Do you agree with me that Resident Evil: Extinction is the worst of the series so far?

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Steals a BMW. Not trousers.

“Now where’s that damn cheese?”

Colder than we thought in the desert

“Hey, baby, what are you doing after the apocalypse?”

If men could breast feed

Did you notice his penis holster? Let’s hope he doesn’t go off half cocked.

Live Very Rounds

Waiting for a cross to grow is tedious work

“Say ‘brains’!”

What to Follow-up

WTF Watch the Film: Resident Evil

WTF Watch the Film: Resident Evil: Apocalypse

The Darkest Hour and a Half

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be examining The Darkest Hour minutely, giving every scene a second look to determine if it’s wasted time, or the time of your life. Read on only if you have already seen The Darkest Hour, or don’t plan to.

Judging by the smoke, Emile is trying to think

0:03:51 Emile Hirsch being adorably obnoxious with a Russian cougar flight attendant. Life lesson: Flight attendants sleep with passengers in Economy but marry passengers from First.

0:06:10 You’d have thought the young men would’ve decided why they were going to Russia before they flew there. Instead, they wait until the cab ride after the flight and on the way to the meeting to discuss the purpose of their visit. (They’re software developers trying to find Russian investors for their app.)

Youth Hostiles

Bad exposition, bad. If this exposition was a dog, it’d be put to sleep. If it were a horse, it’d be put out of our misery. If it were a egg, it’d be rotten. If it were cheese, it’d be…you know it…cheesy.

0:06:11 The app is called The Globe Trot. Should be The Globe Trots.

0:07:50 The Russians are stealing our boys’ idea. #Communism

0:08:36 Enter Olivia Thirlby who has a wonderful surname and a blonde Aussie who I don’t recognize and is in the film because she’s blonde. If this film is American R, the blonde dies quickly. If it’s American PG-13 we may have to support her for the entire film.

“Let me just take a quick pic of my vadge first.”

0:08:49 A shot of the moon with an ominous noise to remind us this is supposed to be an action film. And, so far, this is very easy to forget.

09:00:00 I don’t usually like “rhythm and hop”, or whatever this is, but I like this song. Static Revenger & Richard Vission ft. Luciana: I Like That

0:12:36 Our four protagonists meet up in a bar. Olivia gets text messages from her mum. That’s the extent of the action so far.

0:13:32 The film finally begins. Power goes out in the bar, everyone goes to the street and there’s a pee coloured aurora slowly spreading across the sheet of night.

She’s controlling it with her pee brain

0:14:12 With all electricity still out, flowers of golden light drift slowly down to earth. They’re so beautiful and fragile looking that they must be evil killing machines of mass destruction.

Rain of Terror

0:15:30 One alights and a Russian copper touches it with his nightstick and disintegrates into dust–well, all except for his shoe which is flung at the cop car for effect. Panic at the disco.

016:05 Young people are falling apart and breaking down.

016:51 We learn fire hurts the creature. How do we learn this? A Russian bartender makes a Molotov Cocktail. #irony

All right, who ordered the Jager Bomb?

0:17:14 The bad Russian who stole the kids’ app (see 0:07:50) is not just bad because he’s a thief and a Russian, but he just locked his top model girlfriend out of the disco and watched the energy enemy disintegrate her. She broke up.

Pieces of Ass

0:18:37 Olivia Thirlby opens the door to let in the evilest Russian thief. Maybe because she now knows he’s single.

0:19:15 The screen goes black. I catch myself waiting for an advert. That’s how good this film is.

0:21:09 On Tuesday, and more than a minute too late, they decide to venture out of the kitchen. They step through the door and onto a really poorly made Hollywood set.

0:23:25 Olivia Thirlby decides to take off her shoes and walk barefoot through the human remains coating the pavement like snowfall.

0:25:02 They walk all the way to the middle of a bridge before noticing there’s a navy boat stuck in the middle of it? WTF!?

“At least we can still jump the shark.”

0:26:21 A dog runs barking across Red Square. They should call him “Canary”, because he’s going to show the team of five where the aliens are.

Dog Bytes

0:27:00 Didn’t take me long to be right.

0:27:30

Where did it go?

–asks the friend about the enemy who’s invisible

Well, at least he’s good with computers.

0:28:47

Is it gone?

–asks the friend about the enemy who’s invisible

Even funnier is Emile’s response…

I think so.

WTF?

0:30:24 I forgot to mention the motley crew is trying to get to the American Embassy where they no doubt expect God to save them.

0:31:28 They’ve sussed that the creatures activate electric appliances, so they’re collecting light bulbs and have decided only to travel at night. In honour of this, the director placed a dark lens over the camera he’s using to shoot in daylight.

“Wait, I have an upside down idea!”

0:33:21 Emile and Olivia Thirlby decide to loot the mall, but it’s OK because they’re wearing necklaces with light bulbs attached to them as warning devices. Brilliant fashion.

0:34:13 WTF?! The enemy energy could detect heat signatures before, but now all Emile has to do is pose like a mannequin in a shop window and the enemy just breezes past? So much for intelligent life forms on other planets. Or working on this film.

0:34:48 It seems the heat detectors don’t work through glass. Much like the director’s cameras.

0:36:46 The American Embassy is more toast than breakfast on the Titanic.

There goes the neighbourhood

0:38:11 The girls have to choose between two level headed young men who have led them safely so far, or the amoral Russian who just accidentally shot off a full clip of bullets from a machine gun he’s carrying even though they know the enemy is impervious to bullets and who, in addition, they witnessed kill his girlfriend to save his own arse. Despite all this, the blonde still hesitates before following Olivia Thirlby and Emile. Slut likes White Russians.

0:40:39 They find a walkie talkie in a bird cage. (No, really.)

0:44:37 Two energy enemies kill Skyler (Russian chap) by eating his bottom half  and top half and meeting in the middle. Like spaghetti in Lady and the Tramp. Romanticked off.

0:47:57 They find a blonde Russian teenage girl and an old geek living in a cage. Normal, he’s chicken and she’s a bird.

Russian women make their own tampons

0:49:23 The wire around the apartment means the energy enemy can’t ‘smell’ the people inside of it. What I smell is this film, because it stinks.

0:51:07 They play the walkie talkie and it talks about submarines picking up survivors. The director generously replaces the dark lens filter over a daytime shoot so the group can make a break for where they think the sub will be.

0:51:38 The teenage girl asks Blonde Aussie and Olive Thirlby to help her scavenge for supplies, so the trio reluctantly step outside the safe zone. Meanwhile, the gents are nowhere to be seen. Chivalry isn’t dead, it’s hiding under the bed trembling.

That awkward moment you see someone else wearing your survival outfit, and she survives better in it than you

0:54:25 The enemy approaches the ladies. The Teeny Russian, who’s survived weeks in the building, tells the ladies to follow her. The Australian girl refuses. Unfortunately, she doesn’t speak “logic”.

0:55:40 The blonde lets the enemy into the safe cage, Olivia can’t shut the door in time and the guys don’t leave the kitchen even when they heard the screaming girls run in. While the women hide under a glass coffee table, Sergie shoots the enemy with his invention but only wings it, so it eats him but leaves the gun for the others. So much WTF, so little time.

0:56:02 The Aussie gets disintegrated when she abandons her safe hiding place for no reason known to man or blonde.

This film isn’t the only thing that sucks

1:02:53 After the absolute god awfulest American movie emotional appeal, a Russian rag tag gang decide to risk everything they have to see the Americans to a submarine that they have no proof exists. Someone should have informed Reagan of how susceptible Russkies are.

1:05:05 In the subway, they scatter a dozen little light bulbs (that don’t break?) over the floor. When they see there is an enemy approaching, Teeny Russian decides to wait for them to trap her because WTF. Then, instead of jumping to safety, she simply stands there and waits for the American friend to save her. Is she Russian or French?

1:05:10 The American friend does save her, but he disintegrates in the end. And the other places, too.

Going to pieces

1:06:51 They find a boat and let it drift on the river until Teeny Russian spies the sub.

1:12:04 Somehow Olivia Thirlby ended up on the other side of the city after falling off the boat. Instead of washing up on shore beside where she fell, she washed up 5 miles inland!? But it’s OK because Emile made another speech to convince the Russian sub commander to wait while he rescued her. Russians are apparently suckers for American speeches.

1:17:25 Emile finds Olivia, and she calls to him so he can find her among a field of buses but she won’t lift her head so he can find her. She just sits on the floor and waits for him, as though she hopes he’ll move in with her there.

1:19:16 In the bus, an energy enemy picks up Olivia Thirlby but doesn’t kill her because WTF. The energy the enemy emits started the bus and Olvia Thirlby is pounding on the accelerator saying she can’t stop it, so perhaps the energy enemy kept her alive to laugh at her driving skills.

Watch out behind you, Olivia Thirlby!

1:23:59 The film ends with them not dying. A horrible pop song that is a waste of good musical notes winds this film down. I need to find a way to wash my brain clean of this disgustingly rancid hideous turd of a film. Perhaps shocking therapy with a Taxi Driver ride or Inglourious Basterds hookup will bring back my senses.

“Don’t flush!”

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 16, and I rounded down.
• When to Follow: Should you ever catch yourself wondering if Emile’s performance in Into the Wild was anything more than some lucky fluke.
• What To Feedback:

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Watch out, here come the reviews!

“We’re ready, bring on the boobies.”

“My career is going off track!”

The Grave of Emile Hirsch’s Career

I’d give my right arm not to have watched The Darkest Hour

What to Follow-Up

WTF!? Watch the Film: House at the End of the Street

WTF!? Watch the Film: Battle for Los Angeles

WTF!? Watch the Film: Push

WTF!? Watch the Film: I Am Number 4

Statue of Limitations

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be taking the liberty of freely reviewing the history of God Bless America, studying the film in depth and reporting on it’s bloody backdrop, so read on only of you have already seen God Bless America or never plan to.

“If I don’t hit the right note, I’ll wing it.”

00:02:27 The mother screams, “Don’t shoot! I have a baby!” then tosses the baby in the air and the bloke shoots the baby in the air like a clay pigeon. This is boding very, very well.

00:02:44 Except it’s all imaginary. Boding very badly now. Very badly. Back-bode.

00:03:38 Fake reality show where an American gal pulls out her tampon and throws it at her housemate. Back to the well-boding.

Christmas Period: When that time of month comes only once a year

0:05:09 An apparently mentally handicapped lad sings ‘Theme From Mahogany (Do You Know Where You Going To)’ on an American Idol copy called American Superstarz and does so badly that he draws the mocking wrath of the panel, which includes an ersatz Simon Cowell. This is more real than a reality show.

0:12:48 The next day, typically annoying officemates push our Sad Sack hero to the point that he takes out a gun and goes on a rampage…that’s going to be imaginary again. When does the real mayhem start? If this film is mayhemless, I shall not be pleased.

Make my day…go faster.

0:13:55 A bloody beautiful rant against American Idol.

0:16:55 Going a little overboard with the rants. Is this a film or a Speaker’s Corner rickety platform?

0:19:28 Sad Sack is sacked for sexual harassment when all he did was send flowers to a receptionist who’d been having a bad day. To make matters worse, Frank could do better than her. Or at least thinner.

0:21:15 In a time saving leap, he’s in the physician’s office and a rude doctor is explaining that our Sad Sack (Frank) has an inoperable brain tumour, while insulting his car dealer on his mobile.

“Hmm, I can’t see a thing on this laptop.”

“Help desk? My keyboard is missing and the screen is blank.”

0:22:59 For someone who criticises American pop culture so much, our hero likes to watch a lot of telly. Seriously, all the time.

0:27:45 Brilliant BRMC tune. ‘Beat the Devil’s Tattoo‘

0:30:58 Alice Cooper ‘School’s Out’ while Frank handcuffs Chloë (a spoiled 16-year-old girl he saw on a reality show the night before) inside her car, stuffs a rag in her petrol tank, douses it with lighter fluid and then sets it on fire. AKA, ‘Another reason to watch this bleeding film’.

0:37:39 A young girl (Roxy) who witnessed the spoiled murder of spoiled Chloë comes by Frank’s hotel room later and convinces him not to kill himself, but Chloë’s parents instead.

0:39:12 The gun jams after Frank kills the father (realistic funny), so he chases the mother around the house but catches up with her as his young accomplice is dragging a knife through the mum’s stomach in a way that looks almost sexual. Death is coming.

Sexecution?

0:46:10 The pair are in a cinema. How much would you like to wager that the next ass murder (as in ‘the murder of an ass’ and not a sexual reference) is someone who uses a mobile in the theatre? If he doesn’t, I will.

0:47:10 Brilliant, the one’s with the phones are annoying chatty teens as well! The cathartic thing about this film is that the ‘victims’ are people we’ve all wanted to kill at one time or another. #behonest

0:49:38 I was right, but the mobile kill was a little disappointing compared to the others. I’ve come to expect a lot from the killing in this film.

Otherwise known as “Riding Shotgun”

0:52:19 Target practice and shooting lessons with a teddy bear tied to a tree.

I think Elvis would be proud.

Not a fashion shoot

0:59:11 Bordering on the sate of hypocrisy as the pair discuss which television programmes, books and musical groups it’s ‘cool’ to like. #hiphopcrisy

1:00:46 Speech about the glories of Alice Cooper. Note to self, look up ‘Only Women Bleed‘.

1:01:28

Diablo Cody is the only stripper who suffers from too much self esteem.

1:06:01

Jesus, Frank, you look like fuck pie.

Teenage Roxy when Frank wakes up

Would that be cherry?

Even if this is exactly what they were ranting about Diablo Cody doing, I approve of this expression.

‘Fingers.’ She’s about to say “Fingers are fun.”

1:08:41 After another (this time political) vent, they do in an ultra conservative talk show host. #RushLimpball

1:12:41 We’re reminded Frank hasn’t told the girl the reason for his migraines is a tumour the size of Keith Richard’s blood transfusion.

1:14:10 Murder and mayhem montage. Tea Party members murdered…#Fatali-tea. Man who takes up two parking spaces…group meant to be Westboro Baptist Church… #HoleyGods

1:17:48 We learn that the handicapped lad who sang ‘Theme From Mahogany’  at the beginning of the film tried to commit suicide, and has been invited to perform at the live finale of the show American Superstarz. If at first you don’t succeed…

“I’ll be performing my rendition of ‘Midnight Special…Olympics’.”

1:23:54 Frank sees Roxy’s parents on TV asking for their daughter to come home. Realizing she has parents, Frank steals a perv’s truck and throws Roxy the keys to the yellow sports car he stole from his obnoxious neighbour way back at the beginning and I forgot to tell you.

1:24:06 Beautiful and tragic, Lost River/Old River doing a ditty called ‘Missing Mountains’. I would love to go through Bobcat Goldthwait’s record collection.

1:24:49 Roxy goes back to her parents, looking zombie lost and death angry in the news, while Frank looks like he angel misses her in the hotel room watching her.

1:28:32 Frank’s walking in Hollywood. I know where he, and this, is going: American Superstarz.

Death Comes Prematurely

1:29:17 I’m always surprised when I like a Kink’s song (that isn’t “Lola”) but I like, ‘I’m Not Like Everybody Else‘.

1:30:38 During the live (for the moment) broadcast, Steven Clark, the mentally and vocally challenged young man, sings ‘Theme From Mahogany’, even worse than the first time. He needs more special education.

1:33:37 After shooting a stage hand, Frank goes out on stage and pops an obnoxious, booing, older lad whose blood sprays out of the back of his head and onto the faces of the people in the row behind him. #facial

Kids: This is NOT what is meant by “shooting up”

1:34:18 He shoots the Simon Cowell character and no one even panics, as though we all knew it had to happen at one moment or another.

1:35:06 He makes the remaining hosts dance and sing and makes the audience mock them but neither the revenge satisfaction nor the sense of justice is really there. This may be the point.

1:35:35 Roxy is in the audience and yells a warning to Frank, who turns and shoots a guard as the police fill the theatre.

1:36:01 If this was a reality show in reality, Frank, on stage with a hefty degree of weaponry and surrounded by a copse of police, would be dead by now. WTF!?

Shooting Star

1:38:38 After finally telling Roxy she’s a pretty girl (and he’s right), he hands her the gun and reaches for the pistols in his belt the police don’t even say anything, let alone shoot him at a perfect opportunity. WTF!?

Have a Blast

1:38:52 As Steven (the slow boy) says he attempted suicide because he was sad he would never be on TV again (and not as a result of the bullying), Frank shoots him first, and then Roxy shoots the judges and still the police don’t interfere. WTF!? (or is it the the same WTF!? from before?)

1:39:11 Finally the police decide to fire back and the pair go down in a hail of bullets. Roll credits.

Race you to the Other Side? On your marks…

1:39:26 Alice Cooper’s ‘I Never Cry’ to watch the credits by.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: Only 3
• When to Follow: Good music, good jokes and only a little too preachy. Watch God Bless America any time, but especially after a day spent wading through the dregs of humanity.

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

World’s youngest cereal killer

Can you find my change to the poster?

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be investigating Sparks in great detail, studying it’s origins and analysing its pattern to determine if it’s a live wire or closed circuit. So read on only if you’ve already seen Sparks, or don’t plan to.

They would often arm wrestle to see who paid for dinner.

0:00:33 In Rochester, New York 1920, a boy paces in the front garden while his father takes a psychotic break.

0:02:11 The father is wearing steam punk goggles that he removes just before a bright light illuminates the opening credits.

The correct way to shop for French cheese

0:02:28 The bright light was a meteor that killed 270 people and exposed 75 people to an unknown form of radioactivity, which, as we all know, is the worst kind of radiation.

0:03:11 18 months later and still in the credits, only 13 of the those 75 exposed are still alive. They should start a coven.

0:03:29 Each of the ‘Rochester 13′ has developed his or her own personal radioactive mutation. They should start an X-men.

0:03:41 Still in the credits, we learn that one of the Rochester 13 was a serial killer who died in a fire and wrote a suicide note. Incidentally, he also had the most brilliant serial killer moniker ever: Ringmaster Jesus.

“Do you have a moment to talk about Ringmaster Jesus?”

0:04:25 The film begins 28 years later with a manhunt for Ian Sparks, a copy-cat killer–unless Ringmaster Jesus faked his suicide so he could continue with the killing. This would also explain Jesus’s suicide note that said the mutation would allow him to continue God’s work, which sounds more like motive than suicide.

0:06:30 Sparks begins to tell a newspaper editor and a reporter the story of his life, starting at 6-years-old. Call it a ‘flash way back’.

0:07:19  A mob car in a shoot-out with police hits his parents’ car at a train crossing and forces it into the oncoming locomotive, where it explodes. Both of his parents die. On the bright side, he gets to keep their jewellery.

My parents went to heaven…and all I got was this stupid ring.

0:08:14 At 15, he made his grandmother sew him a super hero costume and began calling himself Sparks. And I thought I was gay.

0:10:39 A young woman Super (Ashley Bell as “Lady Heavenly”) arrives at the scene where grown-up Sparks and the police battle the Mafia. As the police have no weapon of any sort other than their fists, I see this film is set in the 20s. The 1620s.

0:10:58

She was the type of woman whose first name you instantly wanted to add to your last.

Lol. Yes, 1620s indeed. They don’t get married, but they do become partners…in crime prevention.

12:29

0:14:39 At a particularly horrific crime scene, the pair chase a man with steam punk goggles and who leaves behind a old movie camera and a note on the wall written in blood: I Ran Out Of Tampons. (Actually, it read “I am Matanza”: a new serial killer who happens to dress exactly the same as Ringmaster Jesus. Coincidence? Yes, like catching herpes the day after you sleep with a reality show star.)

0:15:51 Matanza is locked up in the Refinery Brewery, where Sledge (Heavenly’s ex-partner) gets turned away so that Sparks and Heavenly can nail the criminal.

0:17:05 Aww, it was all a setup for a surprise one-year anniversary / marriage proposal for Lady Heavenly.

“Is that an open man-hole, or is your vagina just glad to see me?

The real surprise will be when Matanza actually does crash the party.

0:17:43 Didn’t take me long to be right.

0:18:57 In the sewers, Sparks and Heavenly find Matanza with a police woman strapped to a table in her bra. She’ll need more support than that.

0:19:45 In a series of flashes, Sparks is passed out on the floor while Heavenly is tortured and filmed by Matanza. (For more in torture movies, here’s Nicolas Cage’s filmography.)

0:21:03 Sledge captures Matanza, but not before we’re led to believe Matanza broke Heavenly like a law, thus finishing the romance between her and Sparks.

0:23:35 Meanwhile, back in the present, Sparks continues his recitation to the journalist, saying that when he was 23 he was retired and washed up. He could use more of the latter now.

0:24:29 According to the headlines, Sledge killed Matanza, whose body was burned beyond recognition. This is film-speak for ‘so, not really dead’.

0:26:23 Lady Heavenly reunites with the Sledge. Perhaps she misses being nailed by a man in a peen helmet.

“You be the Ball, I’ll be the Peen.”

0:28:06 Sparks tries to hang himself; however, despite hanging around all night, he doesn’t die. Like me in a Soho toilet.

0:29:08 The cop from the chase scene at the beginning of the film (the inimitable Clancy Brown as Archer) pulled Sparks down and, in the hospital, tells him to meet later at the intersection where his parents died…

0:30:49 …to tell him something about the tainted soil there regenerating too quickly to build homes on. Probably linked to the Red G that spilled from the train during the accident and poured over the Officer and Ian as a boy. This undoubtedly means they won’t be able to build tract housing on Ian, either.

0:32:36 Training montage. About as thrilling as actual training.

“Don’t worry, that palm has lots of calluses.”

0:33:01

What are we doing here?

Seriously, Ian? Is this your first time in a graveyard? Do you not know how a cemetery works?

0:34:54 Sparks is introduced to the super hero offspring of the Rochester 13. There are two: Kane is a bald man who can throw fireballs. And Dawn, a lesser beauty, can resemble anyone with whom she’s come into contact. If I had this gift I’d touch Ryan Gosling and not leave my flat for the day…

Fired Up

0:38:06 The three Supers (Sparks, Kane & Dawn) and the cop chase Jason Driver, one of the Rochester 13 who became half-animal and killed people, including Ian’s parents.

0:39:08 Dawn comes into Ian’s bed and morphs into Lady Heavenly because she knows how to make Sparks fly.

0:41:30 Dawn inherited her morphing gift from her father: Ringmaster Jesus. I imagine she’d have preferred a Jesus gift as opposed to a Ringmaster one.

0:46:40 Driver’s rug rats are spitting images of him. Emphasis on ‘spitting’.

“We might be ugly, but you should see the religious right.”

0:48:0 The plan to capture Driver at his hotel backfires, literally, and Sparks gets burned.

0:48:54 While Ian is unconscious, Dawn morphs into ‘bad’ Driver and withdraws money from his bank account. Unfortunately, the explosion that killed Driver also killed over 20 people, including children. The super hero team turns out to be super villains, and why not? Everyone else in this film is.

0:51:45 In a flash back to the day his parents were killed, we see the cops weren’t trying to arrest Driver and his henchmen, but to rob them. One of these crooked cops was Ian’s new mentor. This brings the tally of villains in this film to 8, by my count. WTF!?

0:54:23 Having avenged his parents, Sparks is now on a mission to get revenge for the people who died while he was getting revenge. This film has a lack of focus, which is often the case for comic book films that include many volumes. Too much novel, not enough graphic.

0:58:58 Dawn is now making a living as a prostitute doing men who have specific people in mind they want to sleep with. Who do you chose?

When Playboy is your catalogue

1:00:32 Dawn had a brother, meaning Ringmaster Jesus had a son who left home…and (I suspect we’ll learn) became Sledge the Tool.

1:01:20 Ian sells out Dawn morphed into Lady Heavenly to his boss for a stack of cash and a promotion. An insult to Dawn and Heavenly, both, making it two birds with one figurative stone.

1:02:05 Now Ian is paying Dawn to switch back to Lady Heavenly again so he can get up at the crack of Dawn.

1:07:53 Sledge wants to rent Dawn done up as Lady as well, because Heavenly has stopped hammering him. Dawn truly is breaking and must be developing quite a complex by now.

He gave her a hand, she kept it

1:10:08 At the hotel, Sledge incapacitates ‘Dawn as Lady’, and films her. When Ian storms the room, another Sledge strangles him from behind.

1:11:50 Ian comes to, framed for Dawn’s murder. The police are on their way. Ian is so framed, even he believes he did it.

1:13:17 While escaping the police, Ian stumbles across a trail of blood leading to Matanza’s/Ringmaster Jesus’s lair. Like Hansel if Gretel was on her period.

1:14:41 Ian finds a film reel with all of the boring truth about his innocence regarding Lady Heavenly’s original attack. He’s still guilty of whoring out a woman dressed as her, though, and then sleeping with said prostitute himself.

When her underarm odour is that bad…

1:17:03 Sparks set up the projector in Lady’s hotel room and she watches her own attack. When Sledge comes back he finds the note Ian left for Lady Heavenly, telling her to meet him later at the lair.

1:18:05 When Heavenly arrives at the rendez-vous, she stabs Ian in the back, literally, because she’s really Ringmaster Jesus in morph. Who then morphs through all of his characters to let us know there were probably only three people in the whole film anyway.

1:19:04 The real Lady shows up and thinks Ian is himself, but you and I know it’s Whomever in morph. Regardless, she kisses him hard to show she forgives him for paying a prostitute to take her shape for sex and then selling that prostitute, still in Lady form, to other men as well. She’s very forgiving, a real Lady.

1:19:25 Fake Ian shoots real Lady Heavenly.

1:20:11 Back to the present and Sledge comes to kill Ian on the roof of the newspaper building just as Ian finishes telling his story to the journalist with the tape recorder.

Karaoke in Vancouver

1:21:01 While Ian is beating up Sledge and explaining the reveal I predicted hours ago (that Sledge is Ringmaster Jesus’s son and Dawn’s brother), Ringmaster Jesus comes and shoots Ian, who falls from the top of the building but still doesn’t die.

1:21:41 Ringmaster Jesus tells Sledge he killed Heavenly, so Sledge is irate. They fight  but only after Jesus morphs into Sledge, so it’s Sledge on Sledge. Ringmaster Jesus Sledge kills his son, real Sledge.

1:23:39 Sparks had dynamite strapped to his back, so when Ringmaster Jesus came for him, Sparks lights himself up, and takes Jesus with him. Easter will come late this year.

Smoking kills…but TNT does the trick, too

1:24:19 The journalist writes out the denouement. Ian’s ring on a chain around her neck saved Lady Heavenly’s life. Matanza was Ringmaster Jesus. Sledge was Ringmaster Jesus’s son and they framed Ian Sparks. Ian cannot die because he was covered in Red G.

1:26:41 In Mumbai, India, Driver is biting off the crooked mentor police officer’s fingers and spitting them in a bucket.

Finger Food

1:27:34 Ian shows up and Driver says every time he kills the crooked cop, the cop takes longer to come back to life. Because crooked cop was also doused with Red G at the scene of the accident. Like swimming in Red Bull.

1:28:42 Ian tells the story that Da Vinci found a holy man loved by the entire village to be a model for Jesus while painting The Last Supper, then months later finally found a child murderer to model for Judas. As Da Vinci finished Judas, the model murderer asked, “Don’t you remember me? I was also your model for Jesus.” [Because this is the kind of nonsense people Google.]

1:31:12  Lady Heavenly is back on the job and heading to a break-in that will no doubt be Ian returned from India and hoping Lady will investigate so she can be broken-in again.

Marking her territory

1:32:05 Didn’t take long for me to be right. Roll credits.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: Only 1 glaring WTF!?
• When to Follow: When you want to watch a good version of  The Spirit 
• What To Feedback: Did you find my change to the poster, at the top of this post? If so, tell us in the comments!

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

“Is Head Cheese really made from blow jobs?”

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

Fernby Films Review of The Spirit

Booze Revooze of Sucker Punch

WTF!? The Day (with Ashley Bell)

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be analysing the Odd Thomas, playing the Odds until the end, counting on it’s lines, and gambling with it’s chances to see if Odd Thomas is in our favour or just another loser. So read on only if you’ve already seen Odd Thomas, or don’t plan to.

“You wanted to break into television!”

0:00:46 It’s Anton Yelchin from Start Trek, and various other sundry films, as a kid named “Odd Thomas”. This may be the first time I’ve heard him act without a Russian accent. On my To-do list, this is one thing I can Chekov.

0:03:25 Odd Thomas can see ghosts, so a young teen spirit (smells like, anyway) leads him to a bloke driving a muscle car who killed her the night before. When your past comes back to haunt you…

0:03:07

I may see dead people, but then by God I do something about it.

Odd (the character’s real name) chases Harlo, the murderer, and kicks his arse at a neighbourhood pool party. That’s so…Odd.

0:07:16 Willem Dafoe plays an understanding cop who arrests the bad guys Odd finds. As Chief Wyatt Porter is more normal than Willem’s usual roles, I’m tempted to say, “Willem Dafuq?” But I won’t.

0:10:58 Odd works in a diner that sells CGI prepared food and has a girlfriend (Addison Timlin as Stormy Llewellyn) who is cute for someone who can’t even act surprised.

“Chef’s special? Yes, he is.”

0:12:45 In addition to seeing dead people, Odd can also see something called ‘Bodachs’ which are aluminium coloured metal morphing dog men which feed on destruction and chaos. Like politicians. Also like  politicians, the more of them that show up, the more destructive the event will be.

0:19:32 If you like Addison Timlin, I’d suggest buying the Odd Thomas DVD straight away, because I imagine you’ll be seeing her in nothing after this. Though many males would like to see her in just that, I’m sure.

0:28:08 Poking around Robert Robertson’s (the strange guy the Bodachs were following earleir) house, Odd finds pictures, files and a missing calendar page indicating the chap has a murderous schedule. ‘Murderous’, meaning he plans to become a mass murderer tomorrow. “My schedule is killing me other people.”

“WTF!? Is that a blonde yamaka or were you John Hurt in Alien?”

0:29:45 Willem’s partner looks and acts like someone who is evil, and I’m not saying that because he’s a ginger. Well, not just because he’s a ginger.

0:32:22 Robert Robertson arrives at a church and beats it up while looking for Odd, who is picnicking atop the steeple with Stormy. It’s a difficult scene for Addison, as she cannot act up.

0:36:12 Odd calls Officer Willem, who’s in the middle of his wife, but takes the call.

0:40:30 The main actress was chosen for her talent with a half shirt.

A lot of hard wood in this scene

0:42:27 From where do I know that stylish actor playing Officer Simon Varner? Ah yes, it’s Nico Tortorella, the not-so-gay half of the gay couple in The Following. A man after my own hard-on.

0:43:08 The officer has a suspicious tattoo that leads me to believe he’s in cahoots with the other detective I found suspicious earlier on.

0:49:32 For Al K Hall [my patron of the hearts, who shares these humble offerings on his famous blog], a GIF of a young woman in a strapless top with big cleavage running in slow motion. Odd chases after her and I think we see why. Rottweilers catch up to her, however, and she died like her hair.

0:52:42

Your attempts at distraction from your lack of talent has no power over gay men, hussy!

0:57:42 Odd takes Robert ‘Bob’  Robertson’s corpse to an abandoned prison and locks him in a gas chamber, which is quite appropriate judging from the noises emanating from his decomposing body.

0:59:01 Willem/Chief Porter is shot in his pyjamas at his door, and not with a camera. A necklace Odd gave the Chief to save his life saved his life.

1:04:01 In Fungus Bob’s refrigerator we find a community of the horrifically large cockroaches crawling over a plastic box containing teeth still in braces, a sort of lasagne made with human fingers and ice cream buckets that contain heads. Looks like Thai food.

1:06:36 Now Odd Thomas is reassembling the puzzle of Bob’s skin where the bullet went in and discovers the same tattoo the cop had: POD – Prince of Darkness. Is it just me, or is this a little tame as satanic tattoos go?

1:08:01 The mass murder is set for the shopping mall. I’m not 100% convinced this is a bad idea, but Odd seems to think so. For some Odd reason.

1:09:30 Odd knocks out a man in a ski mask leaving the guard room at the mall, but he doesn’t know I predicted there were two police officers in on the attack. Serves him right for not reading my mind…or this blog.

In a moment, Stew will question the wisdom of wearing a piñata suit

1:09:49

Fungus Bob didn’t have just one kill buddy, he had two. One more and they could buy group health insurance or form a rock band.

Odd discovers what I knew all along, or let’s say I did.

1:11:15 The Bodachs have been manipulating Odd Thomas to divert him away from the true ringleaders of the massacre. Life’s a bitch and then many of them die in a shopping mall.

1:14:28 A whole nest of Bodachs cover the walls of the mall while the lead Bodach screams at Odd but doesn’t hurt him. A woman yells “He’s got a gun!”, yet there is no gun fire while the people run to safety. There’s about as much action now as Amish laser tag.

Wheel of Misfortune

1:15:23 There we are. The doors to the mall lock themselves (WTF!?) and the killer opens fire.

1:16:32 Odd fights his way through the Bodachs and is able to shoot the shooter in the head before he kills anyone. Something tells me this won’t be as easy as it looks. That may be the fact there are 20 minutes left to the film.

1:16:59 Just when you think Stormy is dead, she rises up from behind the ice cream counter she works at. Like the dead.

1:18:04 Ah, the man Odd killed was a character so minor I forgot to bore you with him. He controlled the dogs that ate the blonde, basically. Sick her.

1:18:26 WTF!? Odd follows the dead blonde ghost after taking the mask off the gunman but without taking the man’s guns? Does he not think fire-power might come in handy when coming up against a maniac with a machine gun? #optimist

“I don’t think that’s supposed to go up there like that.”

1:19:12 In the mall’s indoor car park where no one seems to be too bothered by the shoot-out, Odd finds a van full of explosives and a timer with less than three minutes on it. Enough time for a quickie (I’m talking about his escape, or sex with me.)

1:19:28 Lady Killer (amongst others) cop is possessed by a Bodach and sees Odd has discovered the explosives, so he shoots Odd an odd number of times while Odd drives the van out of the car park. Odd knows how to take a bullet better than some American presidents.

1:21:34 Very nice scene in which Odd jumps from the van just as Handsome jumps in and the van crashes through a cement barrier before landing in a drainage ditch and exploding there harmlessly, killing only Handsome and a Bodach, if Bodachs know how to die. Here, a video is worth a thousand words.

1:22:38 In the denouement, Odd is a hero, the Chief pulls through, the two bad police officers had been devil worshippers as kids and killed someone and found they liked it so they joined forces with Fungus Bob and the insignificant partner to all move to a small town to try and kill it.

1:25:14 How did I not see it before! Of course Stormy died in the mall! This whole romantic interlude they’ve been showing is Odd with Stormy’s ghost. I’m actually quite upset at myself for not getting this a lot sooner.

1:28:02 The goodbye scene is touching, maybe because Addison doesn’t have any lines to choke on.

1:29:38 Odd moves to Las Vegas to fight evil against all Odds and to pass time before he can see Stormy again. Roll credits.

‘Scuse me while I kiss this guy…

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: Only 1 or 2 Odd WTFs
• When to Follow: Good entertainment, nice for a date night — bring the popcorn and protection!

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

“Anyone seen a giant who’s lost his Driving Licence?”

How to cough up a lung

“I call this my lunch box.”

“That’s some good eating up there!”

3-Way Door Sex: Push & Pull…In & Out…Come Inside

Dreams of one day becoming a Starship Officer

“‘Pee’ is a verb, not a letter.”

Whoa…”Weed crop” is an oxymoron

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

Fernby Films better review of a worse film

0-5 Shot Booze Revooze of The Hunger Games

WTF!? review of The Darkest Hour

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be exploring Poseidon Rex in minute detail, unearthing its foundations and digging its sights to determine if the film is in ruins or a buried treasure. So read on only if you’ve already seen Poseidon Rex, or don’t plan to.

[A special shout-out to my talented friend Sir Rodney over at Fernby Films, who was gracious enough to bring this film to my attention. If you're in the mood for a well-written review, he's better at this than I!]

Likes the chewy bits, but the tanks give him gas

0:03:04 Four divers place C4 charges on the ocean floor to mine for gold. Because I know you’re watching this for the plot.

0:03:28 Fortunately, the Posiedon Rex rears its toothy head early on. This isn’t the sort of film where I want to wait for things to happen.

0:03:49 Battle with bad Jamaican actor who can’t even act high.

My apologies. I should not have said those things about the actor: he’s not Jamaican, he’s Belizean.

0:06:33 A bikini blonde who swims so often she had flotation devices inserted in her chest plays Scientist Barbie on the beach.

“Hmmm, interesting…my chest size matches my IQ.”

0:07:57 Hot black guy with an island accent, mon. This film just got that much better.

0:09:02 A couple of Americans arrive to go snorkelling with the hot local chap. When the woman learns they’ll be snorkelling at the Blue Hole, she becomes reticent. It’s as though she’s had experience with a blue hole before, and had to cure it.

0:09:28

Girl holiday goer: What is the Blue Hole?

Hot Henry: It’s a huge sink hole about 3 by 5 feet across and 6 down!

Boy holiday goer: Wow!

WTF!? Does no one in this film know how numbers work?

Hairless Belafonte

0:11:26 While snorkelling 1 hour off the coast, in 10 feet of water (WTF!? or 3.3 meters in the metric system, or 3 miles in the Poseidon Rex mental system), the holiday makers find the only surviving corpse of the original divers.

0:13:02 WTF!? The diver is still alive!? He was floating face down in the water!

0:16:12 During a flashback, local island kingpin Tariq tortures Jacks (the diver), who tells Tariq a stash of ancient Mayan gold coins is at the bottom of the Blue Hole. The torture is intense…straight out of Reservoir Puppies.

0:19:40 Here’s the cast off characters

• Jacks (Agent of Misfortune played by Brian Krause–AKA ‘Leo’ of Charmed)
• Sarah (big buoy chest–Anne McDaniels)
• Henry (Belizean beef cake–Berne Velasquez)
• Jane (Whiny American tourist–Candice Nunes)
• Rod (Goofy but fit American boyfriend–Steven Helmkamp)

The ragtag group agree to work together to find the gold. Reminds me of Scooby Don’t.

“Did you hear about the blonde diver? This joke was over her head.”

0:21:16 Jane has a snit and puts her bare foot down, saying if Rod goes on the gold excursion, she’s going to be “really upset”. She stays on the shore in a huff. This is the most realistic scene in the film thus far.

0:23:02 Sometimes a video is worth a thousand jokes.

0:23:12 WTF!? The gold diggers didn’t see a giant underwater sea dinosaur eat a water craft and its 2-member crew right in front of them? It was as plain as the T-Rex nose in their face!

0:28:03 Jane gets hit on by two rapey looking lads. Getting attacked is one way to teach Rod a lesson. Passive agressed.

0:30:51 Back on the open sea, Rod backs down and out to stay on the boat while Sarah, Jacks and Henry dive into the Blue Hole. For the second time, the sonar doesn’t function properly because of Posiedon Rex. Apparently his presence creates too much WTF!?

0:31:29 Dinosaur footprints underwater! Because the dinosaur doesn’t swim in the bottom of the sea, he walks along it!

0:31:36 There are 20 eggs and only one dinosaur? Imagine that if every time you had sex with yourself, you reproduced. My god, the world would be so overpopulated it wouldn’t be able to hover in space any longer.

“Hmm, my boobs are bigger than this dinosaur egg, yet they feel the same.”

0:31:51 Our crew are taking dinosaur eggs, which are practically the size of normal eggs, and ignoring all the gold simply lying about the ocean floor.

0:32:17 Lol, a severed arm floats in front of the woman and she screams like a pubescent boy in a delivery room, all of this underwater with her mouthpiece in.

0:34:24 The ultrasound of a baby dinosaur in an egg.

Ultrasounds Good To Me

0:37:22 The harrowing birth of a dinosaur scene.

0:39:07 Here’s you, when you jump in the ocean to save a drunk girl who fell off the boat during an earthquake on the ocean.

0:43:24 Jane (tourist lass) dies in the water after the dinosaur attack. It’s a horrible death, what with her eyes continuing to blink while she lies there dead and all.

0:46:03

Sarah: There’s something coming up beneath us. Something really really big.

Jacks: It’s coming in fast.

Sarah: It’s almost here.

Jacks: Where is it now?

Sarah: IT’S UNDERNEATH US!

Sarah looking at the sonar, which can only scan directly beneath the boat.

0:46:16 A ridiculous attack where Posiedon Rex decides to stay on top of the water and let everyone shoot him. WTF!? This might be why the dinosaurs really went extinct.

“Jurassic Park? Take a left at Skull Island and then straight for 20,000 leagues.”

0:47:17 Henry (studly native) was on a nearby boat and unnarmed, for absolutely no reason. Posiedon Rex ate him as boringly as possible to punish him for this. Even I could have done it with more flair.

0:48:03 LOL & WTF!? Jacks shoots the beast with a harpoon and everyone congratulates him, until they realize the harpoon is attached to a rope which is attached to the boat.

0:50:03 The Belize Sea Police (who wear urban camouflage uniforms–WTF!?) decide to drop off Rod, Sarah and Jacks before going back out and being eaten. They don’t realise what I have known all along: the dinosaur won’t eat the trio because their taste is obviously bad if they signed on for this film.

0:52:04 Once Posiedon Rex makes land, Jacks distracts him for no reason. The animal is too busy eating the locals to notice the truck Sarah and Rod stole to reach the military base on the other side of the island. I imagine Brian Krause (Jacks) is missing the quality special effects he had in Charmed.

“Dino! My old old old old old old old old friend. I haven’t seen Jur-ass in ages!”

1:00:07 WTF!? They’re going to bed in the middle of the afternoon? What is it, nap time?

1:00:51 Jacks and Sarah strike up a romance. They may have to change Jacks’ surname to ‘Off’.

1:05:27 Sarah knows Morse code (WTF!?) and the army (who obviously keep a telegraph on and manned 24 hours a day) tell her they’re going to destroy the island she’s on in 20 minutes. She’d better find a way to get off, and not like she did last night.

1:08:35 I don’t see why Jacks has to fly a plane off the island when they other two are taking a boat. WTF!?

T-Wrecks

1:09:41 How is it that Jacks, Sarah and Rod drive a Jeep for an hour to get from the port to the base, yet it takes them less than 10 minutes to get back there on foot?

1:11:43 In a scene reminiscent of Benny Hill, Rod tries to shoot the dino with a rocket launcher but he misses and falls off the boat and into the sea where Posiedon Rex eats him.

1:13:08 OMG! What a climax! Sarah gives him head!

1:14:55 An egg hatches and a baby dinosaur swims out. Like an egg, the film is over easy.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 21 vicious ones
• When to Follow: When you have 1 hour and 16 minutes (yes, that’s the running time, WTF!?) in front of you and you need a laugh. This one, fortunately, is so bad it’s funny.

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Looks a little fishy

Getting Revenge for Fossil Fuel

“Look, it’s a boy! And he’s hung like an equid!”

“I can’t hear you, his shirt’s too loud!”

Tagging the body

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

Fernby Films’ look at my favorite WTF!? film to date

WTF!? Sharknado

A WTF!? look at the film that started it all

Booze Revooze of a far worse film

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be examining the case against The Counselor, weighing its arguments, hearing its pleas and coming to a verdict to find if it’s a guilty pleasure or guilty as sin. So read on only if you’ve already seen The Counselor, or don’t plan to.

“Sorry if my shirt’s too loud but I couldn’t turn it down.”

Know that here, like every story, there are two sides. Side A is the Hispanic drug cartel who simply want to deliver their drugs to Chicago, and the B Side: a team of thieves who want to steal said drugs, or at least the 20 million dollars they’re worth.

Team Cartel:

• Reiner (Javier Bardem)
• Westray (Brad Pitt)
• Counselor (Michael Fassbender)

Team Robbin’ Hoods:

• Malkina (Cameron Diaz)

0:02:54 Laura (Penélope Cruz) and the Counselor (Michael Fassbender) are playing sex games in bed. This, we will learn later, is the best scene of the film.

0:05:13

Laura: I want you to finger fuck me.

The Counselor: You’ve reached a whole new level of depravity, haven’t you?

Oh sweetie, that is nowhere near as perverse as you think it is. If that shocks you, there are pits of depravity you have yet to crack, let alone delve in to.

0:11:52

Malkina (Cameron Diaz): I think to miss something is to hope it will come back. But it’s not coming back. I’ve always known that, since I was a girl.

Reiner (Javier Bardem): You don’t think that’s a bit cold?

Malkina: I think truth has no temperature.

Malkina and Reiner chat while they wait for a drug shipment to arrive from Mexico

Cormac McCarthy went to the David Mamet school of script writing. If you don’t get that reference, you probably won’t enjoy this film.

Hiding in plain sight

0:14:38 The Counselor is buying Laura a diamond in Amsterdam using a lot of technical terms.

Counselor: So it’s graded what?

Jeweller: A BS-1.

That sounds like a lot of BS, should you ask me.

0:23:18

Reiner: My guess is that in most cases, if you still had the woman you were weeping over, you’d be weeping harder.

These philosophical ‘gems’ (with loads of BS) are really just McCarthy using the characters as puppets to recite his own favourite lines. This is what happens when you get the writer of depressing novels (Cormac McCarthy wrote No Country for Old Men and The Road) to pen his first screenplay—like asking Sylvia Plath to pole dance.

Want Ad for Cocaine

0:25:58 Reiner talks about a bolito, an automatic garotte that has a metal noose with a motor that continues to tighten until the victim’s head pops off. This is presented as a horrible death, though it’s not as horrible as he thinks it is. In True Detective, they describe a death where drug dealers cut the skin off your face in front of a mirror, then stuff your own severed genitals in your mouth and make you watch in the reflection. Have you got even worse? Leave a comment!

0:29:32 A sort of motorcycle courier (the Green Hornet, works for the cartel) picks up a bag of dog food at a Texan adobe park and tells a story about how he’s on a dog biscuit diet, and that whenever he’s hungry he eats a dog treat. He’s lost 25 pounds in 3 days but must be vigilant– the last time he ended up in the hospital. A Systemic reaction? No, he was sitting in the street licking his balls when a truck ran him over.

“Is it drunk in here, or is it just me?”

0:34:36 The Counselor proposes marriage to Laura in a restaurant with the diamond we saw earlier and she says, “Yes.” Not as romantic as they think it is.

Counselor: You are a glory.

Laura: I’m a glory?

Counselor: Yes, as in ‘glorious’. You’re a glorious woman.

Laura: And you’re a man of impeccable taste. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.

Counselor: You can’t take it back. I intend to love you until I die.

Laura: Me first.

Counselor: Not on your life.

FYI, she loses the bet on her life.

0:39:26 Enter Brad Pitt as ‘Westray’, money man for the Cartel. What have they done to him, making him look ridiculous and act badly!? And here I thought Brad Pitt could do no wrong. Although he could do worse…than me. [winky face]

0:41:26

Westray: [making a toast] A plague of pustulant boils upon all their scurvid asses.

The Counselor: Is that your normal toast?

Westray: Increasingly.

“Thanks for agreeing to be on tonight’s show, Mr Anonymous.”

0:44:05 Lovely discussion about how drug lords keep kidnappers on retainer. If you find yourself discussing this in a business meeting, it should be none of your business.

0:45:52 A recurring theme in this film seems to be women.

• The Counselor has his ‘pure love’ for Laura
• Westray/Brad Pitt explains women are the only reason he can’t leave his lifestyle behind to live in a monastery and wash steps
• Reiner/Bardem is in unholy love with the twisted Malkina/Cameron Diaz. As he’s Cartel and she the thief (though no one knows it), it’s like Romeo and Juliet, where Juliet is an emasculating, man-eating bitch

2/3 of an Oreo

As a gay man, you’ll forgive me if I find it hard to relate. Or, after this scene with Brad Pitt, simply find it hard.

0:49:07

The Counselor: How fast was he going?

Ruth (female inmate): 206.

The Counselor: 206.

Ruth: Yeah.

The Counselor: What is that? 206. That’s not a speed. That’s somebody’s weight, or a time of day.

In a scene that will be fate-full for the Counselor, he meets with Ruth/Rosie Perez (Team Cartel) in prison where she says her son, the courier from earlier with the dog joke, was arrested for speeding on his motorcycle. She convinces the Counselor to get him out of prison.

Bailing out the Green Hornet will bring on the Counselor’s downfall–not the hours of money talk that pock mark the rest of the film. WTF!?

0:51:38 Drugs are run out of Mexico in a septic company’s waste trucks. And what a waste it is! That’s some pretty good shit.

0:56:56 The Counselor and Reiner are going in on a club together for no reason and telling long jokes with no punchline.

“Here, take mine, too. I’m as messed up as my hair.”

0:57:56 A man and a woman who work for Malkina are surveilling  the Green Hornet (motorcycle boy) as he picks up an electronic connector necessary to start the septic tank full of drugs. He keeps it in his helmet, so it’s over his head, but not over ours.

1:07:51 Reiner tells the Counselor a tale of how Malkina had sex with the windscreen of his car, while he watched from the passenger seat. This is not as shocking as these two hard-end ladies’ men think it is.

Why the engine purrs

1:15:34 In order to steal the electronic equipment to steal the drug truck, one of Malkina’s crew cuts off motorcycle boy’s head by stringing wire across the road where he rides, and then taking the device from the helmet. Similar to ‘picking his brain’.

1:22:01 Westray tells the Counselor that the bad drug people are angry because motorcycle boy is dead and their drugs are missing (we know the drugs were stolen by Cameron Diaz’s crew). The Cartel think the Counselor is involved because he had the Green Hornet released from jail earlier. Or they’re as desperate for some action as we are.

1:25:29

It’s not that you’re going down, Counselor, it’s what you’re taking down with you.

Westray says he’s out and is cutting his losses before his losses cut him

It did Brad’s heart good to see his friends say their prayers

1:28:12 The cartel, dressed up like cops, pull the stolen drug truck over (Cameron’s crew is driving) and there’s a shoot-out. Then some poor bloke driving along this back road happens upon the scene and the surviving cartel member lets him go… straight to heaven after shooting the shit with out of him.

1:34:07 The Counselor and Laura make plans to meet in Boise. Sounds like the kind of place people never make it to.

1:40:17 Javier/Reiner is shot in a field by the cartel. His death was better than his haircut.

1:42:21

If your definition of a friend is someone who’ll die for you, you don’t have any friends.

Westray on the phone to the Counselor

1:43:48 Laura is kidnapped by the cartel at the airport. #SpanishTakeAway

That time Penélope Cruz went as a tampon for Halloween

1:53:29 The Counselor is on the phone with the head of the cartel (Rubén Blades as ‘Jefe’) who uses words like ‘heretofore’ and refuses to tell him where Laura is. So the Counselor gives him an English lesson on the word ‘hiatus’. Seriously.

1:54:10

The world in which you seek to undo the mistakes that you made is different from the world where the mistakes were made. You are now at the crossing and you want to choose, but there is no choosing, there is only accepting. The choosing was done a long time ago.

Jefe, Drug Cartel Boss & Philosopher

“Looks like a Zombie attack, Pedro. Pedro? Pedro!?”

1:55:13

When it comes to grief, the normal rules of exchange do not apply, because grief transcends value. A man would give entire nations to lift grief off his heart, and yet you cannot buy anything with grief because grief is worthless.

Jefe, Drug Cartel Boss & Poet

Drug Cartel bosses are more intelligent than we think.

1:59:36 In London town, Brad Pitt/Westray meets Moriarty from Elementary (Natalie Dormer as ‘Blonde’) and asks her to have a drink. Westray’s Achilles heel is a penis.

2:02:14 The Counselor walks through a demonstration of people protesting missing women in Mexico, and we’re reminded of the ‘snuff films’ talk earlier on, and then we think maybe Laura was sold to a snuff film. And then we smile because we just thought, “Snuff films are to die for.”

“Wait, that name rings a Taco Bell…”

2:04:06 Blonde stole a username and a password from Westray and now she’s giving it to Malkina. Heartbleed him dry.

2:07:43 A jogger puts the bolito on Westray. WARNING! GRAPHIC VIOLENCE!

2:08:16 A GIF of Brad Pitt’s head popping off.

DecaPITTation

2:10:06 The Counselor receives a home-made DVD with ‘Hola!’ written on it and starts sobbing, either because he knows it’s Penélope / Laura in a snuff film or because the top burning speed is only 4x.

2:10:21 Laura’s corpse shows up in a dump, and that’s not a euphemism for this film.

2:13:50 Cameron Diaz gets the money and escapes to Hong Kong. Roll credits.

Cameron Diaz has been spotted at poolside

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 4 serious objections
• When to Follow: The only people who should watch this are those who liked the film Ironweed, but wish it had more drug violence
• What To Feedback: What is the most horrific death of which you’ve heard tell? Leave a comment below!

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

“Well, you said it had horsepower…”

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

Fernby Films much better review

Booze Revooze of more hard core intello

WTF!? review of The Fighter (who beats The Counselor)

 

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be sinking my teeth into Mega Piranha, chewing on every part, and devouring each bit to determine if it’s a sweet film or will leave a bad taste in your mouth. So read on only if you’ve already seen Mega Piranha, or don’t plan to.

“Hello-copter!”

0:00:59 A nearly naked female has to drag a man to a picnic spot next to the Amazon. In real Spanish. With subtitles. So even the rednecks can feel intellectual.

0:02:06 They are both attacked by a school of piranhas. Or is it a murder of piranhas?

A Dental School

0:02:25 During the opening credits, we are offered a show of florescent synapses as an explanation for the genetic mutation. Speaking of genetic mutations, 80s pop star Tiffany stars in this film.

0:03:20 Al K Hall #nudity alert: Heavy US Ambassador and Venezuelan Foreign Minister drink on a speedboat going down the Orinoco River with topless nubile natives. The origin of the expression “party politics”.

0:04:29 The attack begins with a floating alligator head and continues when bubbles attack the boat with such ferocity that the birds fly away. Piranhas eventually eat the boat and the people on it. There’s only one thing I can say about such atrocious acting and execrable effects: Encore!

0:06:14 The Secretary of State calls Special Forces agent Jason Fitch [get it? he's investigating 'fish'] and tasks him with getting to the bottom of the accident. And the river.

0:07:48 Tiffany plays Sarah Monroe, a genetic researcher who should research why she’s incapable of speaking with any inflection whatsoever in her voice.

Seems the Piranhas aren’t the only thing doubling in size

0:10:04

We increase the local food supply by genetically redesigning certain species of fish to make them more robust. I was in charge of the Serrasalminaes, more commonly known as ‘piranha’.

Sarah [get it? 'Serrasalminae']

WTF!? She wants to increase the local food supply, so she genetically engineered giant piranhas to double in size every 36 hours? How are bloodthirsty attack fish part of the South American’s food supply? Unless she means South Americans are the food supply.

0:16:30 The escape montage reminds me of when I was a little boy playing on the monkey bars in the schoolyard.

0:18:51 Fitch goes diving at the crash site. By my phone clock, I’d say it’s time for a close call.

0:20:07 Lol, the lead piranha lunges at Fitch, but the fish back pedals while underwater when he sees Fitch’s knife. It’s too late, though. Fitch stabs him, and the other piranhas attack the wounded piranha, giving Fitch a chance to escape to land. A Fitch out of water.

0:20:54 Yes! A piranha jumps out of the river, flies through the air and attacks Fitch on shore, who wrestles with the fish and at the end promotes my website. WTF!?

0:21:46 This is the same shot they used for the naval base in Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Like bad tuna, it just keeps coming back.

0:24:06

It’s a hermaphrodite. It breeds on its own.

Sarah dissecting the piranha Fitch caught

WTF!? The piranha can get itself pregnant! If people could do this, there wouldn’t be enough room for all the stupidity.

0:24:40 According to Sarah’s analysis of the piranha cadaver, the piranhas will be in the Mississippi River in 2 days. Meaning they swim faster than a motor car through South America, Central America and Mexico, where they turn right somehow and cross six US states. WTF!? That’s a lot of information to glean from one dead fish.

0:27:54

Colonel, this plan is FUBAR.

Fitch to Venezuelan Colonel attacking the piranhas with a helicopter

It’s also SNAFU, because they’re destroying the dam that block the fish. STFU! OMG!

When you blow in his ear and hope he’ll really look at you for the first time

0:31:38 The drunken Venezuelan Colonel decides to occupy the lab and detain the staff. This is the most logical scene in the film. The lab did create and release a super strain of giant, vicious piranhas, after all.

0:37:57  Colonel Venezuela is torturing the heavy set lab geek by beating him with a phone book. He’s not injured, but his hair sure is mussed. #thehorror

0:41:16 Exploding piranhas as big as cars are attacking the harbour. From the air.

Fish Fry

0:43:19 You’ve got to see this fight scene.

You’re Welcome

0:43:48 Why you should never stand close to the water during a piranha onslaught.

Fishfood

0:45:58

At 09-50 hours [WTF!?], you send in a personal distress SOS and that ship will respond outside of official jurisdiction. Maybe that way we can avoid starting World War 3.

Secretary Grady

World War 3? With Venezuela? LOL

0:46:36

School of Fail

0:49:07 TIL Swimming piranhas make the same sound as seals. According to this film.

0:51:15 I just watched the worst chase scene in the history of cinema. If one day you find yourself inconsolably sad, this will cheer you up.

0:51:52 The colonel and his team just spent 5 minutes negotiating with an empty car. Seriously. This is why I’m not worried about World War 3 with Venezuela.

0:53:30

Suck on the battery. The acid in your saliva will give it 10% extra charge.

Sara helping Fitch when his phone dies while calling in the air strike

0:57:18 The air strike seems to have killed all the piranhas, but I’ve got 30 minutes left on this film that say it isn’t so.

0:59:12 The piranhas eat the battleship and its hippy captain. WTF!? The fish can live in both fresh water and salt water?

1:05:36

We are in an impenetrable fortress, professor, surrounded by aircraft carriers and missile cruisers.

Random man at the ISB Military Installation -  Western Hemisphere

If you want something destroyed in a film, refer to it as ‘impenetrable’.

1:06:43 New plan, nuke the piranha with a 20 kilo-ton bomb. Should also kill the ocean.

1:07:11 Aboard the USS Florida, an Ohio Class submarine. ‘Florida’ or ‘Ohio’, either way, it’s a state of confusion.

1:09:44 The piranhas eat the sub. Someone must have called it ‘impenetrable’.

1:11:47 Plan C: Stab the piranhas’ eyes, so the other piranhas attack the bleeding ones. Seems Fitch-y to me.

1:14:31 Sara gives Fitch a sonar device to disturb the piranhas in case he’s in trouble. She does this in secrecy, away from the other divers who get nothing but red shirts.

1:18:26

We lost the feed.

Navy tech after journalist is eaten by a piranha on live TV

She was the feed.

1:19:04 Piranha eats one of the Seals as he’s jumping from the helicopter into the water.

Gun Drops

1:21:58 WTF!? LOL! The Venezuelan army flew their helicopter all the way to Florida just to attack a US copter.

1:22:59 When you get shot in the mouth with a flare gun.

Eating Light

1:23:35 Giant Piranha eats helicopter with the evil Venezuelan Colonel. Like a jaw breaker with a spicy center.

Hello-Copter

1:24:51 One of the piranhas was swimming around with a bomb in its mouth, so Fitch shot it to set off the explosive and cause the fish to bleed.

1:26:25 This is the anticlimactic end to the piranha.

1:27:54 Fitch and Sarah kiss. Because he stinks worse than she, one could say he out ‘ranks’ her.

Roll credits: Tiffany sings the credit song!

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 21 ferocious ones
• When to Follow: This is a B-movie that is closer to ‘Good’ Bad than ‘Bad’ bad

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Thai delivery

Sushi that eats you

What to Follow Up

Fernby Films looks at the “Mega Piranha” of Shakespeare

Booze Revooze of the “Mega Piranha” of the future

WTF Mockbuster Reviews

Spoiler Alert:

I swear to God, I shall watch Holy Ghost People religiously, fervently testify to its message and piously confess its sins to determine if it’s a godsend or goddamned. So read on only if you’ve already witnessed Holy Ghost People, or don’t plan to.

It’s a gang sign from God

0:05:26 The great unwashed gets the trash taken out of him behind some bar, and a waitress with a heart of gold comes to help pick up his pieces. She then follows him home like a stray. You know that feeling where you’re one moment away from something special that will change your life forever? These people don’t.

0:07:42 I hope this film has some correspondence to the poster and is not as fake as the tattoos on the sad waitress’s arms.

0:09:35 Charlotte, the waifish barmaid (Emma Greenwell), follows the battered, ex-marine around like a hungry dog looking for a bone.

Her tattoo is not the only thing that gets off in the shower

0:11:05 You know how you know you’re trailer folk? You needn’t close your door when you leave your home.

0:11:22 Trailer folk drink and drive, and don’t even offer their passengers a swig.

0:13:12 Charlotte and Wayne (Brendan McCarthy as an alcoholic ex-marine) go to pick up Charlotte’s sister Liz from a ‘church’ in the backwoods. You know you’re trailer folk when your church has a ‘No Trespassing’ sign on the door.

0:16:06 My initial impression of the charismatic preacher Brother Billy is that the actor playing him (Joe Egender) thought ‘charisma’ was optional.

One has beady eyes and spews poison, the other one’s a reptile

0:16:30 The preacher is handling a rattlesnake, unless the sound is the peas in his brain when he shakes his head.

0:19:57 Instead of simply asking the preacher where her sister is, Charlotte tells Billy her name isn’t Charlotte but Rachel, and that her ex-marine friend isn’t her friend but her daddy, and not that they’re looking for her sister but that they want to join the church. Because why make things simple when you can make them WTF!?

0:36:03 Brother Sherman stands before the congregation and admits to having sexual thoughts about women other than his wife, so he takes off his shirt, and gives his belt to Smiling Bob who whips him with the belt. While he no longer has sexual thoughts about women, he’s now having them about Smiling Bob.

“Kill it when it crawls back out!”

0:40:25 Alcoholic Wayne is about to hop in his car and go get a drink, but Billy talks to him about his dead father so Wayne opts to stay. Alcoholics will swallow anything.

0:47:39 Looking for signs of Liz, Charlotte sneaks into Billy’s office and finds an old picture of her sister. This proves she was at the compound and, literally, in his drawers.

0:50:18 Blonde Sister Scarface (Cameron Richardson as Sister Sheila) tells Wayne he doesn’t belong there and should take Charlotte and go. This is one prophesy that will come true.

0:53:15 Wayne confronts Billy about the picture, who says it’s his wife whom he kicked out of the church for using drugs. He also knows Rachel is Charlotte, his wife’s sister, and that their mother is dead.

“You want a tissue? It looks like you need a tissue. Trust me on this one.”

When Charlotte confirms she lied to Wayne about her mother, Wayne decides to become a true believer in the church. Charlotte prefers to jab her fingernails into her palms, which sounds like slicing fruit (according to the director).

0:56:23 Lol, Wayne starts participating in the ceremony so he’s given a snake to hold on to and, unlike everyone else, the snake attacks him.

This Bites

0:59:29 Billy takes Charlotte to the now empty church, where she trusts Billy and Sherman enough to let them whip her because now she shares their belief in WTF!? [We shall later learn this is but a ruse.]

1:02:25 Smiling Bob, who is guarding Wayne’s poisoned and dying body with a shotgun, decides now is a perfect time to take advantage of the toilet paper he evidently carries with him wherever he guards, and to go fertilize the woods. This gives Sister Sheila the opportunity to sneak in and give Wayne a shot of anti-venom. Like most people in my circle, he just needed a little prick to feel better.

She requires more than a quick fix

1:07:01 Charlotte decides marrying Billy is a good idea, because of all the WTF they have in common. [Actually, she's tricking them to get Billy to let his guard down. She may be slow, but she can still pull a fast one on them.]

1:11:28 It would seem lying in a bed for 2 days with no food and struggling with a vicious snake bite that nearly killed him helps make Wayne a stronger person. Strong enough that, despite his infected arm, he’s able to beat Smiling Bob to death, thus proving the adage, ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’

1:12:03 Charlotte is only pretending to rape Billy because in the middle of dry humping him, she grabs his gun and tells him to take her to her sister.

1:12:29 This song may be the best part of the film.

 Heather Baker covering ‘Cry Little Sister (Theme from Lost Boys)’ from the 1987 film The Lost Boys.

1:13:58

Charlotte: Pant fearfully for a very long time

What I imagine the script looks like when Charlotte gives her gun to the congregation so they might tie her to a post in the middle of the field.

1:16:30 Charlotte’s getting stoned, and not the good kind. There are flashbacks to Liz, as well, who suffered the same fate. In the words of Bob Dylan, “Everybody must get stoned.”

1:18:40 Brother Sherman jumped Wayne during his rescue, so Wayne shot him. Wayne may have spent three tours with the marines in Afghanistan, but he knows as much about holding a gun on a group of people as trailer folk do French cuisine.

Thy rod and thy thirty-aught-six comfort me

In other news, Sheila and an older black veteran, also in the church, decide to change sides and help Wayne escape with Charlotte. Life hack: choose the guy with the gun’s side.

1:20:05 WTF!? Wayne gives Sheila his car to take Charlotte to the hospital, but he stays at the camp to watch Billy drown himself in a lake. Considering how ridiculous Billy’s last words are, suicide does seem like the only logical solution.

I’ll be seeing you again, brother. Hopefully in heaven, but you can’t be too sure. I imagine where we’re heading might look something like this lake. Except it’ll be on fire, of course, and millions of people screaming.

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 6 malevolent ones
• When to Follow: Before watching the documentary which inspired this film.

  If you only have time to watch one of these, the documentary is more inspiring.

NB: While I may have been a bit harsh on this film (what do you expect from an English Queen?), I would recommend watching it (and paying to do so), as this is good for an indie film and independent film is a dying art.

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Suddenly Roscoe realised KKK did not stand for “Kentucky Kool Kids”

White Trashed

Confesion Bear Impression

You, when you succeed in opening the ketchup pack at McDonalds

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

Fernby Films and his religious right-on review

Booze Revooze of the Religious Wrong

WTF!? of Fanatic Kevin Smith’s film

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be telling the tale of Big Bad Wolves by examining the path it takes, the shortcuts it makes and the traps it escapes to see if it blows the house down, or just simply blows. So read on only if you’ve already seen Big Bad Wolves, or don’t plan to.

“Open wide and say, ‘AAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH’!”

0:03:19 Two young lasses play hide and seek in silent slow motion with a young lad who has a uni-brow at 10. The blonde girl is kidnapped off-camera but leaves one of her red shoes behind. The kidnapper will get off on the right foot.

0:04:48 Four plain clothes detectives drag a bespectacled chap with glasses and a sweater into an abandoned building for a little T&A: Torture and Asking. BTW, the film is made in Hebrew, so be sure your version comes with subtitles.

“I told you! You need a coffee table to tie this room together.”

0:07:29 For someone who’s been beaten on by Israeli police for a certain length of time, the suspect seems pretty healthy and unruffled. They must be using krav manga instead of krav maga.

0:08:51 According to their chief’s orders, the detectives drive the pervy looking chap back to his home and give him all the money they have in their pockets by way of an apology. It’s a tough job but the tips are good.

0:13:10 The girl is found, tied to a chair with metal wires cutting into her skin, her knickers at her knees and no head. I’ll let you know if I think of a joke for this later.

Cancer Funny

0:15:08 Bad cop realizes a torture video of him on YouTube has gone viral. If I’d known this was all it took to boost my YouTube channel, I’d have beaten up a perv ages ago. One of the detective’s colleagues says he can erase all traces of it from the Internet. I have no joke funnier than this.

0:17:48 The pervy looking bloke (Rotem Keinan as ‘Dror’) is a school teacher and his students write phrases like “Pedophile son of a bitch! Rapist!” on their exam papers. I wonder what the question was.

1. Illustrate the concept of Supply & Demand

0:19:38 The head master of the school suspends the teacher temporarily. The teacher no doubt prefers this to detention.

0:22:00 Bad cop (Lior Ashkenazi as ‘Micki’) is following the perv, and the dead girl’s father is following the cop. If you follow me.

0:26:34 The girl’s father (Tzahi Grad as ‘Gidi’) buys an isolated torture house in the middle of nowhere and checks the cellar is scream proof by telling the estate agent his son plays the drums. Good tip for those looking to buy a torture home.

0:29:04 Perv is watching a group of very young girls in ballet class. I’m as uncomfortable as Gandhi at a boxing match.

Elliot wanted to join, but was afraid he wouldn’t fit in

0:32:06 The detective is suspended because the video went viral, but his chief implies that civilians are free to do want they what to prove someone’s guilt, as long as they don’t get caught. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t everyone free to do anything as long as they don’t get caught?

0:33:08 One of the ballerinas may be the perv’s daughter. He’s bringing her a birthday cake, after his ex-wife hung up on him while he was talking to her about their daughter’s birthday. This film plays mind games and I feel like a loser.

0:34:22 Lol, the detective and the father want to kidnap the perv at the exact same moment, but he gets away while the cop is shocking the dog.

0:36:32 WTF!? The cop catches the perv when he gets stuck trying to slip between a parked truck and a wall. Apparently the suspect has not heard of the direction ‘under’.

0:40:38 The cop makes the perv dig his own grave, which he does rather quickly, especially when considering it’s done in rocky soil. #Lifehack: if you ever need some digging done, look for a perv. Then the cop uses Russian roulette as a torture, asking where the heads (plural!) are hidden. 2 heads are better than one. Unless, you’re a cop.

0:41:19 The father sneaks up behind the cop and knocks him unconscious with a shovel. I saw it coming, the detective…not so much.

In line at the all-you-can-eat Knish buffet

0:42:18 Now the father knocks the perv unconscious with the shovel. Perhaps it’s a magic shovel.

0:46:20 The father enlists the cop’s aid in the torture of the perv at the previously bought torture house.

0:48:51 Facing the bound captive, the father recites a graphic description of the method the serial killer used when kidnapping, raping, and torturing the young girls. When I say ‘graphic’, I don’t mean cartoons.

0:53:04 The father promises to do everything the killer did to the girls to the perv. Once again, we are reminded we don’t know how the cop and the father are so sure the perv is the killer. Was the proof in his pudding, for example?

0:54:59 Except for the “shovel as anaesthetic” bit, this film truly is masterfully made. The dialogue is almost amusing at times and the music is, by moment, comical.

0:56:43 The torture begins with the detective reluctantly pulling back the perv’s finger until it breaks. #fingerbang

0:57:39 The father has to stop before he can crush a finger with a hammer because his mother calls on his mobile.

1:02:19 The father finishes his phone call and starts breaking the perv’s fingers with a hammer. WTF!? Why anyone would hold their fingers out for them to be struck with a hammer? Is it because they have nails?

1:02:54 The cop stops the father from breaking any more fingers by grabbing the father’s arm. So the father knocks him unconscious.

1:03:19 Buddy Holly’s “Everyday” music video while cooking cake with a secret ingredient. #sleepingpills

1:06:39 The perv is talking a lot about his daughter’s birthday party. It would be interesting if there was no daughter and the girl he served cake to was another victim.

1:08:10 The torture continues with the father pulling out perv’s toenails with pliers. #Pedo-cure

1:12:06 Father’s father arrives for a visit that does not surprise me. It’s an unsurprising party.

1:16:26 The father’s father discovers the basement with the two prisoners. Like the near-sighted porn star, I did not see that coming.

1:18:12 The father confesses that, on the day Mika (his daughter) was kidnapped, he was supposed to pick her up from school, but forgot because he was getting a blow job from his secretary. Karma: he got head and his daughter lost hers.

It’s Hammer Time

1:19:54 After finding a nail on the ground, the cop tells the perv to sell the story of the head’s location to buy some time.

1:20:23 The father’s father decides he’s staying and helping his son. This is at least a little WTF!?

1:25:09 Blow torch torture scene. Heart burns.

Grandfather: You smell that, Gidin’ka?

Father: It smells like a barbecue.

Grandfather: You have no idea how much I’ve missed that smell.

[To perv] His mom turned me into a vegetarian because of my high cholesterol. Oh, I could go on all night!

Gidin’ka, I remember you loved hot dogs as a kid. Do you still like hot dogs?

[moves blow torch to prev's crotch]

How to make yourself Hot: Step 1

1:27:48 The father is going to check out the address the perv gave him (according to the cop’s plan), and leaves his father in charge of the two charges.

1:28:58 The grandfather’s wife calls and reminds him to take his heart pill with solid food. He’ll take it with the cake his son made, not knowing about the sleeping pills inside it.

1:29:52 Didn’t take me long to be right.

1:31:39 After the grandfather passes out, the cop picks the lock on his hand cuffs with the nail. It’s done in movie time (i.e. instantly).

1:34:44 The father digs for a while and, like a porn star on his fifth scene, he comes up empty.

George didn’t dig his night job at the chicken cemetery

1:35:56 The cop is free but leaves the perv behind. The detective is not as attached to the perv as the perv is to the chair.

1:38:48 Oh shit. I feel sick. I was right. The cop gets away and calls the police station using a random Arab’s phone. The police chief puts the cop’s wife on, and she asks him where their daughter is. He was supposed to pick her up from ballet class. Ballet class. Now look at my prediction at 1:06:39.

Moeshe took it upon himself to teach Arabs the YMCA dance wherever he went

1:41:08 Here’s the film’s biggest WTF. The detective makes it back to the house before the father, who’s returning after not finding the head at the chicken farm. Instead of running straight downstairs to ask the perv what he’s done with his daughter, the detective prefers to stay upstairs and look for tools, of which there are already plenty beside the perv. When the father arrives, the cop prefers to keep quiet and hide, rather than tell the father of the new development. This entire WTF could’ve been avoided by simply having the father return to the house before the detective.

1:41:30 The father starts sawing the perv’s head off. The expression “neck of the woods” pops into my mind, but I refuse to branch out into that sort of pun.

I saw what you did there

1:41:57 The cop decides he’s hidden upstairs doing nothing long enough. When he descends into the cellar, however, he finds he’s too late. Looks like his plan of “Give the father enough time to kill the only man who knows where my daughter is” was the wrong one.

1:43:22 The perv dies, staring at the cop, and letting the pencil fall to the floor, rather than write out where he hid the cop’s daughter.

1:45:31 A detective from earlier is on the phone with the chief and says they’ve finished going through the house but have found nothing. The camera pans through a wall and we see the daughter unconscious or dead on a bed behind a door that doesn’t seem to be all that secret. WTF!? Roll credits.

Three Men and a Baby Killer

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 6, and one of those was ferocious
• When to Follow: As soon as possible. Tarantino fans will love it. It’s a much better-made film than Daddy’s Little Girl and other torture porn movies.

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Wouldn’t hurt a fly. Now Girls, on the hand…

Not what is meant by ‘to scarf one’s food down’

In Israel, never say you’re “anti-semantics”

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

Fernby Films review of “the strangers”

Booze Revooze of “The Marked Ones”

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be dissecting I, Frankenstein bit by bit, taking it apart limb by limb, analysing it from head to toe to determine if it’s a tasty piece or spoiled rotten. So read on only if you’ve already seen I, Frankenstein, or don’t plan to.

The only way to get Aaron to watch this film

0:02:29 Aaron Eckhart narrates the exposition in his Batman voice about how Dr Frankenstein died in the snow because he got cold feet (and the rest of him, as well).

0:03:48 Demons attack Frankenstein’s monster in the cemetery. The situation is grave.

0:05:04 A gargoyle lad and lass fly by and eliminate the demons. I’d like to know how long they were sitting stoned on the ledge of the castle, and why anyone with super powers would choose to hang on a ledge doing nothing in the first place. #stoned

It’s hard to be a Gargoyle

0:05:57

It’s alive. It’s alive!

Girlgoyle (as opposed to garguyle)

That’s one cliché put out of our misery.

0:07:17 Queen Gargoyle (Miranda Otto as Leonore) sees the humanity in the monster, so decides to keep him as a pet slave.

0:07:54 Her castle is far more attractive than her history lesson. She’s babbling on about how she’s at war with the demons, which could also be said of more than half the people I know.

Guess which one is God’s house

0:09:12 Queen Leonore decides to name the monster Adam, maybe because he came first.

0:10:17 Demons are bad and can be descended with sacramental objects. Gargoyles are Beings of Light, like in Charmed. After this speech, I’m on Team Gargoyle, because I’m bored stiff.

0:12:04 The gargoyles let Adam leave with some holy staffs and tell him to come back any time. Very nice co-monster Service.

0:13:07 In a stretch further than the anally inserted fart suppressor, time passes and three demons arrive in the wilderness where Adam lives so he decides to get a haircut and look for demons in the city in modern times. All of this in 60 seconds or less.

Doctor WTF!?

0:13:43 Evidently, looking like a scarred homeless man is not an obstacle in getting past the door at a prestigious club. This will save me in suits.

0:14:30 Demons disintegrate like the victims in The Darkest Hour, only with more flames. Must be all the hot air.

0:14:58 WTF!? The police officer is American, yet, judging by architecture, this city is in eastern Europe. This film is set in a time when America is literally the world’s police. #Murica

0:16:52 A blonde scientist (Yvonne Strahovski as Doctor Terra Wade) brings back a mouse from the dead in front of her demon boss (Bill Nighy, whom they got out of the Underground). A true Power point presentation.

“No, see, he’s right. The recipe does call for rat vaginas.”

0:18:57

Bill Nighy beats the messenger who tells him the creature he’s been looking for over the past few centuries is back. WTF!? Also, Bill is the “Prince of the Demons”, spoken in a way that’s meant to impress, but I’m English: we already have our own Prince of Demons.

The Other Prince of Darkness

0:22:28 Queen Leonore reminds me of my mother when I was young and she caught me playing “Hot Lava” with my shoes on.

Drama Queen

0:24:16 Seriously, what city is this supposed to be? They have American police, let homeless into chic clubs and no one notices that the gargoyles on the cathedral can fly. This is a nice place to get away from it all–and by ‘it all’ I mean ‘believability’.

0:28:18 Well made battle scene.

0:31:25 Queen Leonore was taken prisoner by the demons because the battle was simply a distraction. The queen is bait to lure Adam so he can be caught and given like herpes to the blonde scientist (Strahovski /Doctor Wade).

0:36:38

This is everything we need to bring back our fallen.

Demon lieutenant giving Victor Frankenstein’s journal on reanimation to Dark Prince

Dr Wade can use this book to reanimate dead humans repossessed by demons. The human bodies are intended to be shells for deceased demons to inhabit like Council Homes.

“Trust me, it’s better than the film.”

0:37:44 More mindless corpses than a Miley Cyrus concert.

0:40:43 Wait, was Frankenstein English? I think not. Yet he speaks better English than many of my dates.

0:42:48 Dr Wade is in over her head.

Pole dancing for the lazy

0:47:03 Lazy film making. Adam is waiting for Dr Wade in an alley, yet there is no way he could’ve known she’d hide there. WTF!? Perhaps he was there for another reason. #TuppennyUpright

0:52:20 Doctor Wade reminds us that Doctor Frankenstein was able to reanimate a body in a cellar with eels in the 18th century, but over 200  years later, she can’t do it with science’s most recent technology and an unlimited budget.

0:53:02 Aaron Eckhart looking worse for wear, but I’d still try him on for size.

Fit like a jigsaw puzzle

0:58:14 Doctor Wade offers to make Adam a “companion”. Pimp Me a Ride.

1:00:06 Demons capture Doctor Wade because she insists on going alone to meet someone at the evil lair. Suddenly, we see why she’s blonde.

1:02:02 The Queen agrees to help Adam escape with Dr Wade, but, after he leaves, she tells her minion to destroy the journal and then Adam. The queen is a royal pain.

1:05:39 Gideon accidentally kills himself with his own battle axe while fighting Adam. Me? I’m just happy to be still awake.

Dave Grohl liked to eat his barbeque hot off the grill

1:08:06 The demons force Wade to reanimate a human by killing Carl, her assistant. She readily agrees, which makes me wonder just what Carl assisted her with.

1:09:13 Adam decides to destroy the book for any number of reasons they don’t bother to explain.

1:10:45 The gargoyles go after Adam. Those thick skinned bastards have hearts of stone.

1:12:37 Adam leads the gargoyles to the demons’ lair so they might have a big battle. Before I forget, the demons’ masks are scary bad.

Moonlights as toenail fungus in adverts

1:17:23 Demons are booted up like computers: Hardware-wolf. Ghost drives. Mummy board.

1:18:24 The Prince of Demons’ son could not possess Adam because Adam has a soul. By playing connect the dots with the demon’s pimples, Adam forms a sacramental symbol on the demon’s chest, thus killing him and all the demons everywhere.

1:20:33 The gargoyles save Adam and Wade and fly over the city in the morning and no one on the ground notices, because they don’t have the stones.

1:21:38 Ridiculous speech and roll credits.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 11 of the bastards
• When to Follow: When you find yourself desperately wishing you could watch the unholy abomination of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Killer grafted onto Underground 
• What To Feedback: The poll above about Dr Terra Wade’s skills

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Here comes the demon

Trying desperately to outshine his hair

“Wind all the Music Boxes!!!!”

“Wow, this film really *really* sucks.”

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

Fernby Films looks at another Eckhart effort

Booze Revooze of a much better film

WTF!? Review of Riddick

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be sinking my teeth into Vampire Academy. After bleeding it dry, I shall process every bit to find if it’s in good or bad taste, then thoroughly digest it to see if it has bite or simply sucks. So read on only if you’ve already seen Vampire Academy, or don’t plan to.

“What’s this word after ‘Green eggs and…’?”

0:01:02 You will certainly not believe me, but I’m a fan of this song.

0:02:28 I gave the film a fighting chance, but I can tell you at only 2 minutes into the film that the script was written by someone with less talent than I. And we all know how bad I am.

0:03:14 The girls go to the kitchen for a bite.

Vampire Necking

0:03:40 An English girl calls the state of Oregon ‘Oregano’ – hate the writer, not the blonde.

0:05:34 For those still interested, the blonde (Lucy Fry as Vasilisa ‘Lissa’ Dragomir) is the Princess of an ancient race of vampires known as ‘Moroi’ (pronounced like “The moroi watch this film, the moroi want to have a stake driven through my eyes.”)

The brunette (Zoey Deutch as Rose Hathaway) is a member of a people called Dhampir (as in “If you need a place to defecate, you can take a Dhampir.”) She’s a half-vampire and her job is to protect the Moroi. On the other hand, a Russian chap has just knocked out the brunette and is taking the duo back to the Academy. The brunette’s ‘protection’ skills are so bad, they’re judged on the deodorant scale.

The Call of Doody

0:06:12 Oh goody, the girls can communicate mentally with each other. Psychic texting. #STFU

0:07:14 The convoy is ambushed, no doubt by some other race with a funny name. #Caucasian

0:08:32 Ah yes, the bad vampires are known as the Strigoi. As in “that’s a bloody ridiculous name.”

0:10:51 Gabriel Byrne? Oh, how the mighty adjacent have fallen.

In today’s news: Woody Allen has become a vampire

0:12:28 Princess Vasilisa (the blonde) could be next in line for the vampire throne. This we discover during an epic battle between horrific acting and atrocious writing.

015:28 Lissa can also bring crows back from the dead, which is perfect, if you love crows.

Flipping the Bird

0:17:58 A sullen, emo looking chap accosts Lissa in an attic.

Lissa: This was my special place before it was your special place.

Not talking about her vagina.

0:18:37 Emo boy (Dominic Sherwood–like the forest, lots of wood) is a lad called Christian who is tormented because his parents decided to become bad vampires. And name him Christian, even though he’s a vampire. This film is worse than The Vampire Diarrheas.

0:21:25 Oh god, the pain is so bad. Make it stop! The cafeteria is full of human volunteers who give blood for a year and then their memories are wiped, the lucky bastards.

I’m thrusting this upon you because misery loves company.

0:22:18

Her soul has been a few corpuscles shy of a full artery.

Lines like these make my reviews look good.

0:22:55 Gabriel Byrne (Victor Dashkov) asks Rose to look after his daughter, a lass named Nathalie. I can’t shake the suspicion that Dashkov and Nathalie are not what they seem. They’re bad, and not just their acting.

“Her relationship status just changed to ‘It’s seropositive’!?”

0:22:36 Dear god, there is not a half decent actor anywhere near this film. Honestly, it seems the strategy is that if all the actors are terrible, no one will notice. In a pig sty, it’s difficult to say who stinks the most.

0:26:12 During vampire church service (the exact same as a normal church service, but more boring), someone defaces a memorial to Lissa’s parents and brother, who died in the car accident at the beginning of the film. Vampire Church must be hell with all those crucifixes.

Crosses on the walls of the Vampire Academy?

0:26:43 Rose sneaks out during the day (day is night in vampire land) to rub lips with a Moroi he-slut who’s as hot as lunch meat. Apparently, letting a vampire suck your blood is akin to sex. Meaning Rose and Lissa have done some girl on girl, fang you very much.

“Is that a stake in your pocket or are you going to nail me?”

0:33:27 Joelle Richardson? What unpardonable sin did she commit to be stuffed into this rotting corpse of a film? I thought she had better taste–no pun intended.

0:34:18 She portrays a queen who invites Lissa on stage for a vampire equivalent of pet shaming.

0:35:16 So this just happened….

0:40:12

Me and Aaron are going on that field trip to the haemoglobin factory.

Help, I’m trapped in this review! Kill me! Kill me now!

0:57:05 Mrs Karp (an ex-teacher) became a bad vampire after warning Rose that Lissa was in danger for using magic. I, on the other hand, am still valiantly fighting the battle to give a damn.

Meeting of the Bored

1:01:00

Bite me.

You wish, Blood Whore.

Lol

1:01:24

For those sad few who have made it this far, Lissa possesses a kind of magic called ‘spirit’ magic which was also the kind of magic Mrs Karp and Saint Vladimir (the school’s founder) had. It drove Mrs Karp to join the bad vampires and it led Vladimir to do great things. Rose is trying to help Lissa down the right path, against Lissa’s instincts. And I’m watching this, against mine.

1:03:40 Fortunately, it’s an overcast day so the vampires can go shopping for something to wear to the Equinox Dance. Oh god, this is really happening.

“Toss the vase and let’s play rain.”

1:09:56 What did the gay ginger do to the school’s bullies to make them confess all of their sins to Rose? Maybe he took one for the team. Took two, actually.

1:12:55 The necklace Gabriel Byrne gave Rose is making her have sex with her trainer, rather than help Lissa. In real life, this is known as ‘a wine cooler’.

1:12:53

Russian instructor: This is insane. What are we doing?

Student Rose: Everything.

AKA, ‘breaking school regulations and several laws’.

Rose goes down for the Count

1:13:36 The Russian (Danila Kozlovsky as Dimitri Belikov) realizes it was a love charm and tears off the necklace, so that Rose returns back to a normal tease.

1:14:33 Victor (Gabriel Byrne) kidnapped Lissa because he wants her to heal him with her magic touch and not even give her a tip.

1:16:31  WTF!? Some blind Vampire expert ‘Air User’ is blowing in Lissa’s nose to torture her? What, did he eat hamburger ice cream with garlic sauce?

“Not the blue cheese patchouli!”

1:18:08 The three stooges (Russian, Rose and Christian), infiltrate the house where Lissa is being kept and engage in an overly choreographed fight scene. For those who wonder what professional professional wrestling looks like.

“Why won’t their arms go down?”

1:19:30

Ring a flamer on the knob.

Rose telling Christian to use his magic on the door

And I thought I was gay.

1:22:48 Death of psy-hounds. Even the dogs are flamers. I love this film’s hidden gay agenda.

Hot Dogs

1:27:24 Victor turned his daughter Nathalie into a Stragoi evil vampire so she could break him out of vampire jail. Judging from Nathalie’s transformation, it would seem Evil is a lot more attractive than Good. This may be the most realistic concept in the film.

1:28:06

Nathalie : I chose Ray to be my first. Killing him was a lot more fun than losing my virginity to him would have been.

Rose: It was a lot more blood. Too soon?

1:30:02 Rose and Dimitri take Nathalie out, and not in the dinner and a fang sense.

1:33:07 WTF!? The Queen, for some reason, decides to call an assembly for the sole reason of shaming Lissa again, despite the fact that the elders from Europe are in the school to support Lissa. Then Lissa interrupts the speech to make one of her own, a horrible, preachy, over-acted melodramatic pile of garbage which ends with

What do you say, everyone? No more bad blood!

The Queen just stands there, staring blankly

She’s speechless as I am.

“I have the sceptre, you get the shaft.”

1:34:06 Rose doesn’t end up with her White Russian, so there is no happy ending. For him, either.

1:33:55 The scariest part of the film. Using Mrs  Karp who lives in a cave, they set up a part 2, in which she returns with her minions for… a waste of more film.

Roll Credits

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 9 that really bite
• When to Follow: Remember the ‘One-half your IQ + 7′ rule

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

“Wow, the book is way better than the film.”

Getting a bite to eat

“Who do we know that can spell words correctly!?”

Deadbeats

Putting on the bullet proof condom was no easy task

Making the tiniest sandwich in the world

Rose learns her scarecrow costume doesn’t work

I think we know who Red hurt his fingers in

But you’ve already seen my pussy

“No! I’m tired of playing Battle of the Boobs!”

“But a pixie looked so cute in the magazine!”

“If you let me drink your blood, I’ll let you munch my wafer.’

Three Stooges: Hairy, Slow and Churly

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What to Follow Up

Fernby Films’ better review of an equally bad film

Booze Revooze of Twilight: New Moon

WTF!? review of Carrie