Spoiler Alert:

I shall be studying X-Men: First Class in depth, testing its theories, following its course and examining its lessons to determine if it’s passable or one big Fail. So read on only if you’ve already seen X-Men: First Class, or don’t plan to.

X-Elle Catalogue shoot

0:02:09 At a death camp in Poland in 1944, a boy being separated from his mother begins to pull down a metal fence with his mind. This X-mama’s boy will be Magneto.

0:04:16 Westchester, New York 1944. Little boy Charles meets little girl blue.

0:04:34 Scheisse, Kevin Bacon (as ‘Sebastian Shaw’) is speaking German and I don’t have subtitles on this version. Why couldn’t it be a Canadian Bacon?

0:10:03 Little Magneto grows up to be Michael Fassbender in 1962.

“I’m called ‘Magneto’, after my personality.”

0:12:06 James McAvoy is 1962 Charles Xavier and Jennifer Lawrence is Raven (and jealous that Charles is using mind games to pick up other blondes - it’s only fair, however, as blondes play mind games with us all the time).

0:13:38 Raven is feeling a bit randy and asks Charles if he would date her when she’s blue.

Charles: What’s gotten into you?

Uh, nothing. That’s the problem.

Could you transform into Jennifer Lawrence?

0:19:55 January Jones (as Emma Frost) is telepathic, like Charles Xavier, because why should X-People have different powers? She and Sebastian Shaw want the colonel to put nuclear missiles in Turkey, while a breezy X-man (Álex González as Janos Quested / Riptide) who can create tornadoes sweeps the colonel (and me) of our feet.

0:20:13 Meanwhile, a CIA agent (Rose Byrne as Moira MacTaggert) whose disguise is a bra is in the other room.

0:21:24 A devilishly handsome chap named Azazel transports the colonel across the country by hugging him.#GayAgenda

“You’re going to be getting some tail.”

0:24:41 Magneto interrogation techniques.

0:28:48 Kevin Bacon stays young because his genetic mutation allows him to absorb energy. Like a psychic mop in the brothel of life.

Time for a poll!

0:30:23 Charles and Raven show their abilities to the CIA. So, they’re X-men but not X-tra bright men.

0:32:59 Charles is on the warpath to capture Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon) just after Fassbender gets his arse kicked by Frosty the Snowoman. Charles cannot read her mind because she’s made of diamonds…or maybe because she’s female.

0:34:21 Magneto destroys Shaw’s yacht with the anchor chain, but has difficulty letting the sub go until Charles jumps in the water and gives him an underwater hug. #MoreGayAgenda

0:38:13 Then there are the comical mutations, like the lab geek who has hands where his feet should be. Makes it easier to shake a leg.

His shoes fit like a glove

0:38:52 Shaw’s plan to destroy the world is to put US missiles in Turkey, and then to get the Russians to instigate a world war. Because being king of the world after nuclear annihilation sounds like a good idea.

0:39:38 The Russians gave Kevin a funky helmet so that the telepathic mutants can no longer read his mind. This doesn’t work if he’s thinking how silly he looks whilst wearing that helmet, because that’s what the telepaths will be thinking.

A gift for X-mas

0:43:18 The CIA develops a transmitter that looks like a giant golf ball to amplify brain waves so Charles and Erik (Magneto) can locate other mutants. It’s basically a singles app for X-men. #Grindr

0:45:51 Using the machine, Charles finds tens of thousands of other mutants. The first one he visits is a stripper.

“Girl, you so fly.”

0:48:14 What a lone Wolverine says when you ask him to join you.

Rather, “Fuck grammar.” #yourselves

0:50:07 The mutants choose their nicknames and show off their powers and applaud insipidly with each demonstration.

• Mystique - Identity crises
• Darwin – Award for dying first
• Angel – Draws flies and is a spit fire
• Banshee –  Screams like a girl
• Havoc -  Hula Hoops of Fire
• Big Foot (later ‘Beast’) – His feet are all thumbs

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

0:53:56 WTF!? These young people, who thought themselves freaks their whole lives, have some fun together when they finally discover they aren’t alone and yet Raven’s own stepbrother, Charles, gives her the “I X-pected more from you” pout.

0:56:16 Charles can not only control what people think, he can occupy their minds and experience the world through their senses. I’d try being Marilyn Monroe in a Kennedy sandwich!

0:59:22 Erik and Charles team up on Emma Frost, who must be made of synthetic diamonds because she cracks like cheap plastic when Magneto strangles her with the bed frame.

That’s some nice cleavage, Diamond

1:00:17 Charles reads her mind and sees Shaw is planning to start a nuclear war with Russia because mutants are indestructible, like cockroaches.

1:02:42 At the First Class installation, Azazel (devil chap) materialises, hugs CIA agents, then de-materialises and reappears with them in the sky, where he drops them. Quite a let down.

1:06:35 Sebastian Shaw storms the compound with Azazel and Riptide and threatens to bore the team to death with his speeches unless they join him. Angel hops on board. Darwin goes extinct trying to save her.

Bringing home the Bacon

1:11:34

There’s a war coming, John.

Yes, but a war with who?

With good grammar, evidently. #whom

1:11:46

I wouldn’t call it a war, exactly. That suggests both sides stand an equal chance of winning.

Emma Frost

WTF!? Proof that even diamonds can be blonde.

Draw your IQ

1:12:46 The good mutants move to Charles’s mansion to ‘hide out’. It certainly looks more inconspicuous than a CIA safe house.

Charles Mansion

1:17:22 Athlete’s Feet can run fast because he has hands for feet. I am still of the opinion his foot mutation stinks.

1:18:07 Magneto tells Mystique she should keep her blue skin to be stronger, so she won’t waste her energy trying to resemble Jennifer Lawrence, like half the female population of the planet.

1:19:22 Banshee can fly because he can scream supersonically? I call WTF!?

1:19:32 How a nerd gets to third base.

“Mmmm…..firm.”

1:28:51 Hank (Athlete’s Feet) injects himself with a serum that’s meant to make him look normal and it makes him blue to match his balls.

1:33:38 Hank is christened Beast.

Peed on the sofa. Again. Bad, Beast!

1:35:23 The X-Men arrive to stop the nuclear war in the Caribbean at the last minute. Maybe they should’ve left earlier.

1:37:17 Charles takes over the mind of a Russian sailor and has him blow up the drone ship. No mention is made of the nuclear missiles that were on it at the time of the explosion. #Oops

1:39:46 Banshee learns where Shaw is by using his voice as sonar and then Charles reads his mind to find out where the ship is located. Not as absurd as it sounds - it is far, far more absurd than it sounds. WTF!?

“Ew, there are some minds you can’t unread.”

1:40:14 Shaw is charging himself with his sub’s nuclear power reactor. Bacon of Mass Destruction. Two warheads are better than one.

1:43:28 After Tornado boy does the twister, both the X-men aeroplane and the Shaw sub crash on the beach.

1:52:12 Nicely done scene where Eric pushes the coin Shaw gave him after killing his mother, through Shaw’s head.

Change your mind

1:56:54 CIA woman was shooting at Eric to make him stop sending missiles, but Eric deflected them and one of these bullets hit Charles, putting him in his wheelchair.

2:00:04 Charles gives Raven his blessing to side with Magneto. Looks like Erik attracts more than metal.

2:00:32 Choosing sides

• Team Charles Xavier / Professor X:
  • Mystique
  • Angel
  • Riptide
  • Azazel
• Team Erikk Lensherr / Magneto:
  • Beast
  • Banshee
  • Havoc

I don’t know why I wasted my bullets making those points, though, because nearly all of them die off screen before Days of Future Past.

2:01:17 Wait, how do the good mutants get off the beach? Seriously, Azazel can take Magneto’s crew but there’s no way Banshee can scream-fly and carry 3 other people and a dying Charles Xavier. Their plane is destroyed, the military hates them so won’t pick them up, they’re fighting with Magneto so they’ll get no assistance from that camp. To make matters worse, Charles Xavier was shot and needs emergency medical attention. Can anyone please leave a comment and explain how the X-men leave this island?

The Bitch

2:01:56

I suppose I am a real professor now, aren’t I? The next thing you know, I’ll be going bald.

Charles

2:04:22 Magneto heists Emma Frost from of the CIA. #booty

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 7 X-treme ones
• When to Follow: Better than all the other X-men combined
• What To Feedback: Please answer the poll about which X power you would most like to have. Also, please X-plain how the good X-men get off the island!

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

“Hank, your biggest fan is right in front of you.”

Jennifer Lawrence likes her men well hung

Project X-Man

Gun Control

He’d tap that

“I can see right through you.”

“We really need a TV.”

“No, you cannot comb my bra.”

Putting the ‘X’ in ‘Men’

Ex-man

Could you please X-plane it to me?

“Hush little X-man don’t say a word, Magneto’s going to find you a human bird…”

Prints suitable for reposting!

You, blushing, when she catches you with porn

What to Follow Up

Fernby Films far superior review of the same film

Booze Revooze of X-Men: Days of Future Past ( the sequel)

Controversial WTF!? review of an early Jennifer Lawrence

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be spending a lot of time in Cheap Thrills, going over its bottom lines, and investing in its interest to see if the pay off is worth it or just a waste. So read on only if you’ve already seen Cheap Thrills, or don’t plan to.

Shot Happens

0:02:50 A young father leaves his apartment to find an eviction notice taped to his door. Even worse, before this, the baby interrupted his sexual foray with his oblivious wife. #bluebills

0:04:47 Before he could ask for a salary rise, his boss sacked him. Does he tell his spouse about the bills and the sacking? Allow me to answer that query with a riddle. What’s the difference between a single man and a married man? A married man chooses not to share his problems.

0:06:24 In a bar in the afternoon, our hapless hero meets a friend, Vince (Ethan Embry), whom he hasn’t seen in five years. The problem with meeting a loser is that it means you’re in the same place.

“Have some more glasses.”

0:08:54 Hapless (Pat Healy as Craig) asks Vince about his job, which is an enforcer for a loan shark.

Does it always have to get violent or do you sometimes just talk to the guy?

Famous last questions.

0:10:06

You know, Craig, I once broke a guy’s arm for $80. While his daughter watched.

At least it’s not back breaking work.

0:12:32 A bloke (Colin, portrayed by David Koechner)  invites Vince and Craig over to his booth, where he’s celebrating his wife’s (Violet, played by Sarah Paxton – whom we saw in Shark Night 3D ) birthday by buying a $300 bottle of tequila. You don’t buy tequila, you only rent it – and rent just went up.

Power pointless

0:12:47

To my amazing wife, Violet. The last 6 months have been so fucking awesome. I love the shit out of you.

Things gay people say.

0:14:55

Whichever of you guys does a shot first, gets 50 bucks.

This shot sounds like a starting pistol.

0:16:22

200 bones to anyone who gets her so pissed she slaps you.

Colin (the husband) to Craig and Vince, about a drunk woman at the bar

To my British brethren and sistren, ‘pissed’ is used in the US sense, here, as in ‘Pissed off’ or ‘angry’. Not ‘drunk’. Seems like my blog does have ‘class’ after all.

“Will someone teach me how buttons work?”

0:18:47

No, I’m not having any of that, I’ll get diarrhoea.

Craig refusing cocaine

0:20:42 At a strip club, Craig gets $500 for punching a burly bouncer first (and just once). He returns to conciousness in a strange house. If I had £50 for every occasion I woke up drunk in a strange place, I wouldn’t have to write these reviews. But would anyway.

0:29:17 Vince pees on Craig for $300, while they’re admiring the view. It’s a thin, wet line between pissed on and pissed off.

0:38:36 Colin’s birthday present to his wife is to give the men $250 000 for doing whatever he tells them to. It’s like a reality show, only real.

No matter how much money is in that box, I am not sucking his dick.

Vince lays down the ground rules

Speaking of, “I’d be a rich man if every time I…”

It’s money for dinner

0:40:01 Craig’s wife calls and begs him to come home. She knows about his being sacked. He tells her to give him 45 minutes and to trust him. Never trust a man who says ‘Trust me.’ – Experience

0:41:01 A contest to see who can hold their breath the longest, which is easy to fake, so I don’t get this. The point is, Vince wins by punching Craig in the stomach. See where this is going?

0:43:22

$1200 to whoever defecates in the neighbour’s house and photographs it.

Because Colin is upset the neighbour’s dog is always leaving packages on his lawn

When it pays to give a shite.

The making of a Nicolas Cage film

0:45:31

Good luck, man.

Craig, loudly, as he leaves, waking up a little girl who screams, loudly

Vince is caught with his pants down.

0:49:05 An angry Vince pushes Craig to the floor to make a vodka Martini first for $300. A bar not-so-tender.

0:49:32

You’re so tense. So many knots. I think you’d feel better if you let me fuck you.

Violet to Craig while she gives him a back rub

Really physical therapy.

0:51:55 Colin (David Koechner) offers Craig $4,500 to sex his wife. Craig, initially, is hesitant because he’s faithful to his wife. I would definitely do this. When else would I have the chance to earn $4500 for thirty seconds work?

Pin the tail on the…coffee table

0:52:43 Sex scene, while Vince and Colin watch. A difficult scene to film without coming across as absurd, and they deliver.

0:55:32 Craig leaves. Something tells me he’ll be back. It’s the 32 minutes left in the film.

0:58:30 The couple is saddened by Craig’s departure. Still, Colin offers $25 000 to Vince if he cuts off his own finger. Would you?

0:59:06

I’ll do it for 23.

Craig is back.

1:01:20 After some haggling, Craig offers to cut off his little finger for $15 000.

1:02:54 Vince lops it off by surprise. It’s not easy to cut off someone’s finger by surprise.

1:03:40

It’s still fucking attached. All the way off. That’s the deal.

Not an easy thing to pull off, but Craig does it himself.

1:06:06 The neighbour’s dog (who Vince had brought over) has died, choking on Craig’s finger. If I’m going to cut off my digits for a modicum of cash, I’d want an ice bucket to avoid such unacceptable losses.

1:08:34 Colin comes back from the microwave with a good smelling dish. No one knows but me, yet, but it’s the neighbour’s dog.

1:09:06 Didn’t take me long to be right.

1:09:57  He’s offering $50 000 to whomever eats their plate first? And only 15k to cut off a finger? WTF!? This discrepancy leaves a foul taste in my mouth.

Hot Dog for dinner

1:12:35 As the eating contest ended in a tie, whoever eats Craig’s finger first gets the cash. I’ve always been bad with digits.

1:12:55 Craig and Vince get into a violent brawl over the finger. Craig wins, puts the finger in his mouth and vomits. Advanced bulimia.

Finger Food

1:15:58 Secretly, Colin offers all of the money, $250 000, if Vince kills Craig.

1:19:31 Brilliant! Superb! Bravo! While watching a slide show of all the photos Violet had taken with her phone over the course of the evening, Vince realizes the couple had been setting him and Craig up to fight each other. So he puts his knife away and tells Craig they should leave. Craig turns around… and shoots Vince.

1:24:25 Craig makes it home in a cab, empties his bag of cash on the sofa and picks up his crying baby. His wife wakes up, turns on the light and sees this scene.

Roll Credits

Blood Money

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: Only 3 cheap shots
• When to Follow: While this is exactly the same premise as 13 Sins, Cheap Thrills is a far superior film in every way.
• What To Feedback: Here’s a list of the different challenges and their corresponding dollar amounts. In the comment section, list which of these you would not be willing to do.

1. $50 to drink a shot of alcohol first
2. $200 to anger a woman at the bar so badly she slaps you
3. $200 to slap a stripper on her bottom
4. $500 to punch a muscular bouncer
5. $300 to urinate on your unwitting friend
6. $500 to hold your breath the longest
7. $300 to hang up on your spouse / partner
8. $1200 to defecate in the neighbour’s house and photograph it
9. $300 to make a Martini first
10. $4500 to betray your spouse / partner
11. $25 000 to cut off your own little finger
12. $50 000 to eat dog heated in the microwave
13. $250 000 to kill a friend

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

“Why did I give him the finger!?”

Extreme shaving

“Oatmeal for breakfast, baby!”

Please don’t suck the wallpaper

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF!? of indie hor-com Sightseers

Fernby Films review of The Human Race

Booze Revooze Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

 

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be launching into deep exploration of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, probing its spaces and boldly going where no reviewer has gone before to determine if the film is stellar or merely lost in space. So read on only if you’ve already seen Dark of the Moon, or don’t plan to.

Rosie puts Gas in the car

0:02:36 Autobot flotsam jettisons on the moon.

0:03:30 Kennedy’s space program was all a ruse in order to put Americans on the moon to investigate the UFO that crashed there. Michael Bay (the director) mixes real footage with fake footage well. It seems I’ll have to wait a little to start hating on this film.

0:05:04 Seriously though? The historical footage of the moon landing is giving me chills…and I’m not cold.

0:09:44 Megan Fox is replaced by underwear model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (as Carly) who is a prefect metaphor for the film: Looks good on the surface and more men will get into it than thought.

0:11:13

Honey, tonight I’ll give you a job. Romance me with a nice dinner.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley to Shia pet

Am I the only one who thought that was going another way?

0:11:48 Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) lives with a collection of miniature Autobots, so basically he’s a 40-year-old computer programmer still at home with his mum.

0:12:27

Ah shit, I seen this one. It’s the one where Spock goes nuts.

Wheelie foreshadowing

0:12:35

Wheelie: You know, Sam, I don’t know about moving in with this chick. What if she dumps us like the last girl?

Brains: She was mean. Didn’t like her.

Just like that, Megan is out Foxed.

“Is that Megan Fox!? What a Decepticunt!”

0:14:18

I think it’s darling. It reminds me of Bumblebee - if Bumblebee were a sad piece of shit.

Sam’s mum about his used car

Wait, what? I’m sorry, when did Transformers become clever enough for sarcasm?

0:16:01 While waiting for the Decepticons to return, the Autobots travel the world to fight America’s wars. Kind of like the British Army.

0:18:21 A Decepticon snake destroys the Chernobyl plant where the Decepticons are keeping the heart of the long lost Autobot moon-ship. After dozens of American troops die, Optimus Prime eventually decides to turn his lazy assembly into an Autobot and intervene.

0:19:32

Lennox: What the hell was that thing?

Optimus: That is Shockwave.

I completely forgot about the horrendous names given the machines. How do these robots get their names? They don’t have mums…but they Hasbro.

Metal of Valour

0:19:52 The soldiers were able to recover an engine from a ‘long, lost Autobot ship’ that the snake wanted. You’d think this is important to the story, but it’s really not.

0:22:07 John Malkovich!? This film continues its desperate struggle to stay on my good side.

“Please, Mr Malkovich, I need to learn how to act before the end of the film.”

0:24:32 Witwicky assumes a position in the male office. Sorry, Sam gets a job in the post room.

0:25:35 Frances McDormand appears. At least this time some of the actors will out-act the robots.

0:26:21 In the space of a minute, there is a robot that speaks with a Scottish accent, a Spanish accent and an Australian accent. WTF!? Where did Transformers from another planet develop earth accents? And why?

0:27:06 Astronaut Buzz Aldrin comes out and explains the secret mission on the dark side of the moon. It’s clear why real-life Buzz went into space and not acting.

0:28:28 Optimus feels he now must try to bore the humans to death. He tells them of Sentinel Prime who piloted the ship that crashed on the moon and was carrying technology that would have won the war for the Autobots. I would like to know - if the technology would have won the war for the Autobots - why were they trying to send it away?

0:29:42 Ooh, it’s Patrick Dempsey as Dylan. He’s like a gay man’s Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

“Phwar, that’s one big thruster.”

0:30:01 Dylan’s enamoured with Carly, which means he’s evil. In action films, if the hero and another man are in love with the same woman, the non-hero will be exposed as Satan’s right hand. Or what Satan touches with it.

0:32:47

Optimus Prime: Ratchet, let’s roll.

As he runs on the moon

Ugh.

0:34:20 WTF!? A Decepticon with a cape? He says his name is Megatron as though that means something. He sounds like I do when I tell people it’s my birthday.

0:35:33 The dragon Decepticon is called Soundwave because it’s a stupid enough name. Also, they’ve decided their need for the human accomplices is over, so they can kill them. Personally, I don’t see what the humans were used for to begin with. Like politicians.

0:43:27

Somebody messed with the wrong Wang today.

Ken Jeong as Jerry Wang

This line is an argument in favour of more French films. Hell, it’s an argument in favour of more French fries.

0:50:39 Leonard Nimoy? As a robot with a beard? At least this explains the GIF I placed at 0:12:27.

His ears are even pointy

0:56:33 John Turturro reprises his role as Agent Slapstick.

0:58:01

Fucking awesome!

Bruce Brazos (John Malkovich)

WTF!? When did the good guys call Bruce and ask him to bring documents? Why is he acting so subservient, when he was a domineering boss just minutes ago. Why is he using the ‘f’ word when everything else about this film screams kid flick? When did Shockwave begin editing this film?

1:01:54 Turturro and Sam are investigating two cosmonauts who moved to the States after a scrubbed moon mission in 1972. (The mission was scrubbed, not the moon.)

A Sign of Body Odour

1:02:54

It’s the Cyrillic alphabet. It’s like all the buttons you never press on a calculator.

Dutch (Alan Tudyk), on the difficulties of Russian phrase books

1:05:18 The Decepticons have giant tampon ‘pillars’ to make a space bridge, but they still need Sentinel Prime to use them. After profound literary analysis of Wheelie (see 0:12:27 above),  I’m convinced that Sentinel is a double agent.

1:06:22 The Decepticons catch up with Turturro and Sam’s convoy. It’s a nice chase scene, ruined only by Shia’s acting. He’s trying - very trying.

Shia has the runs

1:09:51 Good robot fight scene, ruined only by the robot’s dialogue. The worst idea Michael Bay had for this film was to include words.

1:10:36 Didn’t take long for me to be right about Sentinel’s betraying the Autobots. He’s destroying them all, stabbing them in their rear panels.

1:16:31 A plethora of Deceptions are immigrating from beneath the moon’s surface. How did they get to the moon and why did they stop there and bury themselves once they did ? In still more WTF!?, Sentinel has time to set up and start using the pillars before the Autobots arrive, yet they are young sports cars and Sentinel is an ageing truck with the aerodynamics of Oprah Winfrey.

He’s just a Skater Bot – Anvil Lavigne

1:19:03 Remember what I wrote all the way back at 0:30:01? Well, Dylan just came out as a bad man, and he kidnapped Carly with his Decepticon sports car. Which is actually rather realistic, as rich men regularly snag blonde females with wealthy trappings.

1:21:30 Sam has a Decepticon watch implanted on his wrist. He has to use it to spy on Optimus Prime, or Dylan will let his sports car drive Carly crazy.

1:23:18 Oh god, the WTF!? is so bad it’s giving me cramps. Sentinel Prime says he wants to rape the earth of its natural resources, but first we must exile the robots that have been protecting us for decades. The UN agrees and passes this decree in less than 5 minutes. The UN? They can’t even take stringent measures against countries building a nuclear arsenal. #UN-decided

“I’ll make your floppy drive hard, Optimus.”

1:26:56

Remember this. You may lose your faith in us, but never in yourselves.

Optimus to Sam before getting on the rocket of exile

Sam is writhing because the Decepticon watch is hurting him. Or maybe it’s the dialogue.

1:28:05 Another goodbye speech? Now it’s with Bumblebee. Who knew robots were so senti-metal?

1:30:37 The Autobots’ space shuttle was blown to stardust by a Decepticon. #GameOfDrones

“Not what I meant by ‘Get fired up’, arsehole!”

1:32:57 The Decepticons are bringing their planet (Cybertron) to earth so that they can use humans as slave labour. #Monsanto

1:34:11 Chicago is like Thai food: taken out.

1:36:07 Post apocalyptic Chicago looks like Detroit on Friday.

1:39:51

This will hurt. A lot.

One robot talking to another robot

WTF!?

1:39:54 The Autobots only pretended to leave. They were just waiting for a sufficient number of humans to be killed before they decide to help.

1:40:50 Bumblebee pilots a Decepticon attack ship. WTF!? I thought the Decepticons and Autobots were their own ships.  Nobody drives Optimus Prime, do they?

1:45:09 WTF!? Sam and his team rescue the tart first, though she is of no military utility and serves only to alert the Decepticons to the Autobots’ presence. A nuclear blonde.

1:50:34 Seriously, though, the special effects are out of this world.

1:52:17 The parachute suits seem like a fun way to spend the day before your funeral.

Falling for Michael Bay

1:56:05 After jumping out of the building and sliding down its glass façade with no way to stop, they shoot the windows they’re sliding on to fall back inside of the building. Otherwise known as: bloody original action scene.

1:57:58

Why do Decepticons always get the good shit?

Epps (Tyrese Gibson)

Truest line in the entire film.

2:00:40 Decepticons the world over are launching their pillars which will create a magical doorway through which Cybertron will be transferred to earth. Because good friends help you move planet.

2:07:35 The Decepticons have a brilliant ship, but Wheelie and Brains are able to sneak inside. The Decepticons get the best stuff, yet all the good guys get is annoying.

Roboticks

2:09:14 The Decepticons kill the dottering old Scottish robot, but this is a mercy killing. Mercy for me.

2:20:03 Carly outsmarts the Decepticon leader, which shows the intelligence level of a Decepticon is approximately that of a garbage disposal.

2:21:50 Dylan generously waits in place for Sam to hit him with a pole, and knock him into the pillar that’s creating the planet. WTF!?

2:22:39 Cybertron, the Autobot planet, is officially destroyed. There goes the neighbourhoods.

2:22:57

You didn’t betray me. You betrayed yourself.

Optimus Proust

Optimus beats Megatron and Sentinel Prime one-handedly. Literally.

2:23:45 The film should end here. All that remains will make you sick like an STD (Stereo Typical Denouement).

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 13 powerful ones
• When to Follow: The best of the first three, so watch it twice instead of watching the first two back to back

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

How to strangle Shia Laboeuf: Step 1

“My crotch is burning! And not the good kind!”

“Who’s that dude dancing in the background?”

Print suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF!? Review of Transformers

WTF!? Review of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Falling

Fernby Films much better review of Transformers

Booze Revooze of Edge of Tomorrow

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be revisiting Apartment 1303, checking out its room and scouring every square meter of its premise to see if it’s real estate or just a dump. So read on only if you’ve already seen Apartment 1303, or don’t plan to.

“Stop me, before I act again!”

0:03:53 Mischa Barton (as Lara Slate) - who would have a super sexy voice if she were a man - lives with her mum, Rebacca De Mornay (from Mother’s Day). The younger sister, a bird called Janet (Julianne Michelle), is moving out. After seeing Mischa and Rebecca act, I can understand why.

0:06:20 Scarier than the noises Janet’s building makes are the size of her lips. Can you imagine seeing those in 3D!? The horror.

Inflate to 1013psi

0:07:14 Creepy child in a school girl’s uniform who looks like a ghost, loiters like a ghost and acts like a vegetable.

0:08:35 From the way Janet’s behaving in flat #1303, seems she signed the rental contract ‘sight-unseen’, like the actresses in this film.

0:09:58 I don’t want to be ‘that chap’ but there’s a photograph of Janet and her sister on the shelf now, and in 30 seconds they’ll show her unpacking it. Also, she talks to herself incessantly, which is annoying and probably the real reason evil spirits assail her.

0:11:18 WTF!? This is hilarious! The lights go out so she uses her mobile for light, but we can see her screen go dark as she holds it in front of her. Yet she continues to walk around, holding it as though it were a spotlight. If you need a laugh today, this is it.

0:12:42 WTF!? She’s opening a bottle of wine that they showed open at 0:10:08. The flat must be haunted by spirits.

0:14:08

Janet: I’m your new neighbours [sic - unless she’s referring to her lips], and I was hoping to borrow a corkscrew. Mine is broken.

Emily: A girl in 1303 jumped off the balcony and died.

Emily is a blunt ghost.

0:15:04 WTF!? Now the photos are gone again. If all these lapses in continuity are an oversight, it’s extremely annoying. If they were done on purpose, they should revoke the director’s poetic license.

What’s wrong with these pictures. They are posted here in order (time code bottom right). Can you find the error in each? Hint: The editor couldn’t!

0:22:01 The ghost of a girl is bouncing a tennis ball while Janet’s trying to sleep. Whom does Janet call? 911? Her police officer boyfriend? Her sister? No, she whimpers until a smoking ghost pushes her against a wall. Fortunately, her lips act like air bags for her face.

0:23:30 The next morning she blames her attack and bruised face on her sleeping pills, because the label reads a possible side effect could be sleep walking. Julianne Michelle no doubt wishes she had read the script with such close attention.

0:27:33 Worst mother-daughter dispute in the history of cinema. Maybe Rebecca De Mornay really is drinking her way through this one.

0:29:49 Janet brings her boyfriend, Mark (a police officer who isn’t the least bit curious about the bruise on her face), back to the flat. A new addition to the shelf is a modern art sculpture representing penetration.

Statue-tory rape

0:31:32 A rough sex scene, and by ‘rough’, I mean for me to watch.

0:32:13 A ghost is banging her head repeatedly against the window. She must’ve witnessed the sex scene, as well.

0:33:46 There’s a stinky wench sitting in the shower with all of her clothes on in the middle of the night. Mark (Corey Sevier) has left to be with a girl who goes by ‘Ex’ on his mobile. Like his sexual intercourse, this nickname would seem a little premature.

0:33:51 It’s after midnight and Emily is still parading in the halls in her schoolgirl uniform. Meanwhile, the ghost is throwing Janet off the balcony while Mark is downstairs, busy leaving.

0:35:23 Janet dies like Superman flies. Able to fall off buildings in a single bound.

“I hope I land on my lips!”

0:35:53 Mark and Emily are left to pick up the pieces. #literally

0:36:59

Lara (to Mark): You sure as hell didn’t look after her.

WTF!? This from the bird who refused to let Janet, her own sister, come to stay at her mum’s house the night she died. Lara is high and mighty. Mischa Barton is just high.

0:39:52 Taking a long walk through Janet’s flat, complete with the sounds of fly buzzing, bird flapping and ghost sighing. Lara doesn’t seem too upset or distraught over her sister’s suicide. Watch this excerpt and then you tell me.

0:42:01

There is nothing anywhere near 3D about this performance. Mischas the world over are apologizing. #flat

0:46:22 There was nearly a shred of something interesting when Lara tried to suffocate her mum with a pillow case, but it turned out to be just a dream sequence. Like Lara, we can all go back to sleep.

0:47:10 Nice scene when Lara’s mobile rings and the caller ID says is Janet, who then says she’s lonely and wants Lara to come live with her. Creepy, but would be even creepier if we didn’t wonder why Lara’s name changes to Laura midway through the film.

Her mind is a blank canvas

0:48:30 Lara decides to get dressed and go to the flat in the middle of the night. The ghost of her sister is there waiting, and pulls Lara into bed with her. Not in the good way. At least would have been truly scary.

0:49:38

Lara: Someone was in the apartment and attacked me in the bedroom.

Police officer: Male or female?

Lara: Look, I didn’t see anybody. It was like a force.

Police: A force? What do you mean?

Lara: I don’t know. I got thrown against the wall.

Police: For whatever it’s worth, let me give you a little history on this place.

WTF!?

0:52:07 We learn that the original ghost was called Mary and that she died in a closet and when the smell got bad enough the Health Department investigated. Maybe this is why the toilet is a key element in Apartment 1303. When they arrived, Mary’s daughter, Jennifer, jumped to her death.

When the spirit moves

0:52:51 WTF!? The police officer leaves his original dossier with Lara after he departs? Seems the only thing he knows how to file is his nails.

0:53:18 I love that they have a Japanese convenience store in the lobby of the run down block of flats. ‘Love’ = ‘Don’t understand’

1:06:28 Lol, Janet appears in the bath while Lara is soaking and they use CGI soap bubbles to hide Lara’s boobs. Sorry Al!

“The bubbles are attacking my boobies!”

1:09:36 Maddie (Rebecca de Mornay) singing ‘Cemetery Valentine’ to her dead daughter.

1:11:84 The rotting flesh in the closet hammock is drawing flies and Mark is the only one who doesn’t notice the smell. This explains why men don’t wear deodorant.

1:12:15 The ghost of your sister manifests in your room and tells you that you must leave at once, before the other ghosts kill you. Do you really then start arranging your clothes? Is this what it would take for me to tidy my flat?

1:17:26 The ghost pushes Mark through a glass door and he sits down dead.

Getting up on the wrong side of bed, literally

1:18:35 The perv landlord was also a ghost. I didn’t catch that. Maddie didn’t either. She’s here for a little comic relief.

1:19:03  The ghost pushes Maddie, who falls forward onto the knife Lara’s holding. I was right about the comedy.

1:20:33

Apartments don’t kill people. People kill people.

Lara is being led away, under arrest, but this film is the real crime.

1:21:24 No explanation of the building manager ghost or Emily the Catholic schoolghost, or why this film was made.

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 9 flat ones
• When to Follow: If you’re trying to introduce a 12-year-old to the concept of horror films, this may be the film for you. They’ll understand the principle, but will still be able to sleep like a baby.
• What To Feedback: Answer the above poll about Lara’s trauma. Additionally, here’s the answer key to the photo quiz from 0:15:04.

Note how the wine bottle is open and ¼ drunk in pictures #2 & 3, yet she opens it in picture #4, and then it’s unopened again in picture #5. WTF!?

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

The best cake, hands down

Makeup by The Joker

Mugshot Practise

“I look like this *after* makeup!?”

“Mom! I’m too old to breast feed!”

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

Booze Revooze of B-movie (‘B’ for ‘Better’)

WTF!? review of “The Resident”

Fernby Films beautiful rant against this disastrous movie

Fernby Films takes a better look at an equally bad film

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be dissecting Excision bit by bit, digging deeply into each morsel and getting under it’s skin to see if it’s cutting edge or dreadfully dull. So read on only if you’ve already seen Excision, or don’t plan to.

WARNING: In addition to being the best film I’ve seen in recent memory, Excision is a disturbing film with disturbing subjects. The images, clips and GIFs below echo that intensity, so continue only if you are willing to see shocking subject matter. You have been warned.

The Milky Way

0:00:34 The opening scene is a woman in a lab coat on a stool in a blue tiled room staring at another version of herself similarly clad but bleeding profusely from her face. Help yourself!

0:01:06 The non-bloodied twin seems to have a sort of half arsed orgasm. The bad news for the actress’ boyfriend is 1) she’s never had a real orgasm if this is what she thinks orgasms look like and 2) she cannot fake them.

0:01:13 Oh goody, it was a dream sequence. Because who wants action scenes to be pertinent to a film?

0:01:14 WTF is that contraption Grace is using? Ah, if anyone is wondering, this device is used to treat cystic fibrosis. Or it’s a breast pump.

0:02:34 The film is set in suburbia with the domineering mother (Traci Lords!) of an acne victim (AnnaLynne McCord as Pauline) who doesn’t fit in her family, and Grace (Ariel Winter), a favoured yet terminal daughter. There is a father, but mum is the man of the house.

0:02:58

Pauline popping the question in a class taught by Reese from Criminal Minds (Matthew Gray Gubler as Mr. Claybaugh)

From Wiki Answers: Yes. Viruses and Bacteria can survive after a person dies. Always use protection when having sex with dead prostitutes, or live prostitutes, for that matter.

Because I’m willing to go the extra mile for you.

0:05:47

I only want you to endure the same, gut wrenching agony during these sessions that I go through every single Sunday listening to your sermons.

Pauline to Father William (John Waters!), who is the family’s therapist

John Waters is my second favourite priest (after George Carlin).

“Is that acne or did your neck throw up?”

0:07:07 Pauline warns God she’s going to indulge in some premarital sex (#headsup), and asks God if there will be any difficulty in forgiving her for this. Seems like AnnaLynne McCord also prayed to be a decent actress.

Clapping Instructions – Step #2

0:07:32 Malcom McDowell! This film is like a trip to the basement in the Wax Museum of underground actors.

0:08:29 Marlee Matlin as the deaf principle? This film is growing on me, all warm and fuzzy, like a fungus.

0:09:24

Being in the same room with you and your daughter, I’m actually grateful for my hearing loss.

Principle Amber signing to Phyllis (Pauline’s mum)

I like a film that goes all in like surgery with a chainsaw. Hell, like masturbation with a chainsaw.

0:10:51 Another dream sequence. This time Pauline is crawling all over an androgynous corpse with half a mind to stay alive.

0:11:36

I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced. I’m Pauline.

I’m Adam.

Forgive me for being too forward, but I want to lose my virginity to you. I’m clean and I spent my allowances on birth control. So…

0:14:37 Al K Hall nudity alert. In another masturbation fantasy, and after piercing her own nose, Pauline crawls over a swathe of swaddled naked females.

0:18:42 Adam calls Pauline to take her up on her virginity offer. Pauline detachedly instructs him to pick her up on Monday at noon. It’s been a business doing pleasure with you.

0:19:02 Then there’s that scene where Pauline holds her bloodied tampon to her face and sniffs it. In case you were wondering if you should let the kids watch this.

Vampire’s Teabag

0:21:48 The mum happily watches her daughter get into a boy’s car to go to a study group, yet no one has any books. Must be cramming for Sex Education orals.

0:22:17

It appears you’re too small for the big kind [of condom]. That’s not a bad thing. It’s just… It’ll hurt less, so it’s good.

Pauline to Adam in the hotel room

It’s a small problem.

0:25:12 Sex scene where Adam comments on how wet Pauline is. She just wanted to have sex while menstruating. Period.

Saucy

0:25:41

What the fuck!

Adam does a promo for my blog when he realizes Pauline is on her period while he’s performing oral sex on her. Bloody exciting.

0:29:54

Mr Claybaugh reading questions out loud during a Q&A session in Sex Education

Lol. BTW, the answer is “no”.

0:31:44 I’d just like to take this opportunity to say that AnnaLynne McCord deserves recognition for daring to be so ugly throughout the film. She has bigger balls than most men. And I would know.

0:32:42

0:35:40 Beautiful song (Nina Nastasia – Counting Up Your Bones) while Pauline considers an umbilicoplasty.

0:38:10 One from Pauline’s fap bank.

On the tip of their tongues

0:43:55

Pauline’s mum: We’re going to have to beat the boys off with a stick.

Pauline: Gross.

Exchange with Pauline in her formal dress and make-up for cotillion

I don’t know if I understood the joke, or wrote it.

0:47:06 At the cotillion, where she is much older than the other students, Pauline rape kisses a young lad with her cold sore. Herpes, the gift that keeps on.

0:47:20

I asked her to dance. I thought she was a retard. I was just trying to be nice.

Young chap with probable potential herpes

Why didn’t I write this film!?

0:47:55 Another beautiful folk song: ‘Too Much In Between’, by Nina Nastasia

0:50:28

I have tried and tried, and it is impossible to love her.

The mum telling her husband she wants Pauline thrown out of the house, while Pauline sits in the dark hall and sobs

This film is Charles Manson meets Gus Van Sant.

0:50:57 More chick folk: ‘I Say That I Will Go’, by Nina Nastasia

0:52:08 Pauline dissects a dead bird she found on the pavement. #fowl

0:53:51 Pauline tries on Grace’s oxygen mask for a breath of death air.

0:55:08 Very medical nude fantasy that not even Al K Hall would find sexual. Probably.

Hold Your Head Up

1:01:09

Mum: What on earth would compel a young girl to carve a crucifix into her arm?

Pauline: It’s a symbol for the Red Cross.

It’s a gas!

1:04:24 The doctors are recommending Grace be put on the transplant list. She hasn’t got ‘lung’ to live.

1:07:04 The parents are going into the city and have asked for a babysitter? WTF!? Pauline is a senior in American high school. That means she’s about 18 years old. I know youths who were babysitters at 12. Maybe the mum could have them babysit each other.

1:09:01 The father has to stay at home to babysit. No mention is made of who will babysit him.

1:10:44 After lacing her father’s tea with a sleeping agent, Pauline tricks her arch-enemy from across the street into coming into the back garden. Once there, Pauline knocks her out with some chemical on a cloth. Or by showing her Apartment 1303.

1:11:27

Grace, you’re not going to understand what I’m about to do, but someday you’ll thank me.

And then Pauline proceeds to render her sister unconscious.

1:12:46 Intense. Pauline cuts off all her hair and baldly goes where no sister had gone before by replacing her sister’s unhealthy lungs with the neighbour’s healthy set, using kitchen knives.

1:13:08

1:15:28 Mum is none to thrilled to see her favourite daughter and a local girl dead in her garage. The neighbour girl goes to pieces and Grace is in stitches.

1:16:02 The ending is a scream. Literally.

The ending leaves me feeling like Chinese take-out. Sated but still hungry.

Nice song by which to roll credits

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: Only 2 cutting ones
• When to Follow: This dark and disturbing film is not for everyone. But for those who liked to be shaken, this film is uniquely brilliant.
• What to Feedback: Watch the short that began it all at the bottom of this post!

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Homework for taxidermists

A rough outline

You, when you forget it’s Sunday

Bored Games with the parents

Her pimples form the constellation Apus

A delicate operation

Prints suitable for reposting!

“Hmm, heavy on the hemo, I need to put some more glob-in.”

What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of Amber Heard’s similar effort

Fernby Film’s review of more indie Horror

0-5 shot review of Wes Anderson’s Grand Budapest Hotel

The Original Short

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be cutting into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, slicing it’s separate pieces, and chopping each part into tiny bytes to determine if it’s Pie in the Sky or just cheesy. So read on only if you’ve already seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or don’t plan to.

The Tortoise and the Hair

0:00:06 Starts off with a view of the pre-911 New York skyline. An innocent time, when “the twins” didn’t (necessarily) mean breasts.

0:01:05 A crime wave surfed by teens floods the city.

0:02:58 April O’Neil (Judith Hoag), whom I would recognize from the comics if I’d read them, is attacked by the pubescent gang (The Cribs? Heck’s Angels? Yakazoo?).

Her jacket is a rape prevention device

0:03:57 A street light is knocked out and when car headlamps shine on the scene seconds later, the criminals are tied up. The special effects so far consist of sounds and darkness.

0:04:32 April picks up a trident type weapon one of the turtles left behind. In the sewer, Raphael is none too happy. Perhaps because he lives in a sewer.

0:05:18 Our first look at the Turtles. Honestly? Not bad costumes for pre-CGI. Better, far better, then the music. Then again, diarrhoea on an ass ride to the bottom of the Grand Canyon is better then the soundtrack.

Making the turtle sauce

0:05:33 Drinking game: every time a turtle uses the word ‘awesome’, take a drink. Trust me, if you don’t, you’ll wish you had.

0:05:57

Gimme 3!

One of the Turtles

Because the Turtles don’t have five fingers.

0:06:47 A dog  (is it a dog? It looks as though it’s meant to be a dog — mea culpa, I’ve just discovered Splinter is a rat) is the leader of the Turtles and tells them that they must live in the shadows because no one would understand them. Like English royalty.

0:06:57 The trident knife is a ‘Sai‘. Who – other than me – said Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles isn’t educational?

A heavy sai

0:08:22 Ninjas dancing to ‘Tequila’.

0:11:08

“Augh! Where do they come up with this stuff?”

Raphael references Critters after seeing it in the cinema

My guess would be, “In the same sewer they found you.”

0:12:23 You know who misses the 90s? Elias Koteas. He misses the 90s like he misses his hair.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

He plays Casey Jones, a sports vigilante who makes horrible jokes and teaches Raphael a lesson. But not about bad jokes - Raphael already has that mastered.

0:15:58 Charles, the station manager and April’s boss, is a ‘business man’ who is less realistic than the Turtles. He visits April with his son, Danny, a teenager who listens to a Walkman and belongs to teen mafia. #mamafia

0:17:43 WTF!? Michelangelo is in love with April? How does that even work? If she falls in love with him, is that not bestiality? How do turtles have sex? Don’t they die if they get on their backs?

“Ooh, you’re so hard.”

0:17:55 Darth Vader is in this film and wants to kill April because she refers to the Foot Clan while interviewing the police chief. Or maybe he’s upset his gang’s name reeks. Darth Hater (The Shredder) must be the king of foot fetishists. Did you hear about the blind foot fetishist? He got off on the wrong foot.

0:18:24 Charles’ son is arrested, and not just his development this time.

0:19:08 WTF!? No one recognizes Raphael as a giant freak, because he wears a hat and a coat? Honestly, look at this screen cap and tell me if you would wonder what kind of being this was if you were to see it in the city.

Under Cover – as Kermit the Frog

0:20:07 Naked turtles fighting ninjas in nylons who spank a blonde in a PVC raincoat… TMNT is Rule 34 incarnal.

0:22:52 Splinter tells April where Turtles come from.

0:27:07 WTF!? April is an investigative journalist who isn’t even tempted to write an article about giant turtles who can speak because they were exposed to industrial waste!?

0:28:04 While the Turtles were partying with April, someone came by their sewer, kidnapped Splinter and trashed their dump.

0:29:24 Charles asks April to drop the teen crime rash story because he made a deal with the police chief to secure his son’s release. She refuses. It’s not as though anything else of interest has popped up lately…

“Why, yes, I am sloppy seconds. How did you know?”

0:32:51 The leader of the lost boys (Toshishiro Obata as ‘Tatsu’) teaches them a lesson by kicking one lad’s arse. Maybe the lesson should be: don’t follow a grown man who has to cheat to beat up a child.

0:35:08 Darth Faker (The Shredder) arrives to a lot of drums and gives one kid a nylon mask and tells everyone it’s an honour to wear the dragon Doogie. I don’t know if I’d wear it, but I know I’ve stepped in it a number of times.

0:35:16

This is your family. I am your father.

Darth Vader imitator

He certainly is a bad man. He just robbed Star Wars blind.

Breath Gaurd: When your mouth stinks as bad as your movie

0:45:46 It’s an assuredly long fight scene. The kind of fight scene where it’s good to spend a penny (take a leak, for you yanks). Casey Jones arrives and sets April’s father’s antique store on fire, but even she can’t be bothered to care.

0:46:55 Which might be a good thing because she was just sacked by her boss, who bowed to police pressure. She’s big with Turtles, though, so that should count for next to nothing.

They call this pose ‘Waiting for Meagan Fox’

0:47:44 Danny witnesses the damage he has caused, so he will betray the Foot and be redeemed. But will he pay for the shop? [Yes, at the end of the film he passes her a $20 bill. He was sorry, but not that sorry.]

0:52:01 Casey and April bicker so that we know they’re in love. A lesson for kids that love is dysfunctional.

0:53:36 Raphael is near death so they keep him in the bathtub. Shouldn’t they call a veterinarian?

0:58:20 Michaelangelo has his first lesson in human sex when he walks in on this.

1:00:37 The Turtles have a meditation session and contact the spirit of Splinter. Over an open flame, which is the best way to cook a rat.

Turtle on the half shell

1:03:02 They decide to leave the country house because it’s too big, comfortable, and offers privacy for 4 giant turtles. Instead, the return to their sewer, where Casey complains about the accommodations. WTF!? He wasn’t even invited!

1:04:08

Donatello: You’re a claustrophobic.

Casey: You want a fist in the mouth? I’ve never even looked at another guy before.

WTF!? This is offensive on so many levels. First, as a gay man I find his anger mildly insulting, but, more importantly, this exchange offends my  intellect. Casey confuses ‘claustrophobic’ with ‘homosexual’. Isn’t ‘claustrophobic’ closer to ‘homophobic’? Which he is, so there’s no need to be offended. This is sadly typical of the banter thrown about this film like slop.

The turtles read their film reviews

1:04:49 Danny runs away from home and sleeps with the Turtles for the night (a cautionary tail). He also asks April for one of her sketches. It’s either for inspiration while he experiments with his puberty, or he’s going to expose the Turtles, so they come out of their shells.

1:07:52 Danny goes to visit Splinter. WTF!? The rat isn’t dead? So all that tripe at the bonfire about his last words just meant his last words of that conversation?

1:08:19

1:11:28 The Shredder is an arch enemy who killed the rat’s master back in Japan. He finds the sketch so knows the Turtles are back. WTF!? How can he know where the Turtles are by looking at a sketch of them in a different location?

Proof turtles have a vagina

1:14:57

I’ll never call golf a dull game again.

Casey, after he hits Tatsu with a golf club

I include this joke only so that you might appreciate mine a little more.

1:16:43

Michelangelo: Hey, Donald, looks like this one is suffering from shell shock.

Donatello: Too derivative.

Michaelangelo: Boy, I guess we can really shell it out.

Donatello: Too cliché.

Michaelangelo: Well, it was a shell of a good hit.

Donatello: I like it!

My writing is looking better and better, isn’t it?

1:17:19

1:18:46

You fight well, in the old style. But you’ve caused me enough trouble. Now you face The Shredder.

In the sequel, will the have to face The Stapler?

1:23:30 The rat defeats the Robo Sucky (Oroko Saki / The Shredder), who falls to his death into Casey’s garbage truck. Casey then puts The Shredder’s ridiculous moniker into action.

“Splinter? I didn’t even know ‘er!”

1:24:42:

Charles: Are you OK, Danny?

Danny: It’s all right, dad. I’m OK, really. I’m OK. And dad? It’s just ‘Dan’ now, OK?

Charles: Dan?

Big father-son hug bonding over all the WTF!?

1:26:31 The wayward youth (Sam Rockwell from Iron Man 2) sends the police to their warehouse hideout because he’s decided to give prison a go. April gets her reporter job back, so she tells Casey to kiss her because they’re the only humans who live in sewage with turtles.

His mind’s in the gutter

1:26:50

All right, April! All right, Casey! That’s the way to go!

What talking turtles say when they see you kiss someone.

1:26:51 This scene sums up everything wrong with the film.

From bad special effects to bad dialogue to bad acting all starting from a bad idea.

1:27:55 Roll credits to a horrendous song. This will give hip hop a bad rap.

When you stand for what you believe in,
and find the strength to do what’s right,
that’s TURTLE POWER!

I think this song should be made the United States’ National Anthem.

For all of the lyrics (including “This is serious so give me a quarter. I was a witness, get me a reporter!”), please scroll down to the bottom of this post.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 9 hard cases
• When to Follow: Saturday morning should be the only time people are legally permitted to watch this.
• What To Feedback:

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

This video from 0:26:05 is so bad it literally makes me cringe.

Turtle Sauce

“Hey! Check it out, Leo’s got back!”

Product placement for turtle sex toys

Turtles dancing the Can’t-Can’t

Why turtles move so slowly

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of another film that bites

Fernby Films better review of a better film

Booze Revooze of a another childish effort

Lyrics to “T-U-R-T-L-E Power!” by James P. Alpern and Richard A. Usher Jr.

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! POWER

On the half shell, they’re the heroes four.
In this day and age who could ask for more?
The crime wave is high with muggings mysterious.
All police and detectives are furious.
‘Cause they can’t find the source,
Of this lethally evil force.
This is serious so give me a quarter.
I was a witness, get me a reporter!
Call April O’Neil in on this case, and
You’d better hurry up, there’s no time to waste!
We need help, like quick, on the double.
Have pity on the city, man it’s in trouble!
We need heroes like the Lone Ranger.
When Tonto came pronto, when there was danger.
They didn’t say they’d be there in half an hour,
‘Cause they displayed…Turtle Power!

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! POWER

Now our ace reporter was hot on the trail.
Determined to put these crooks in jail.
She spied the bad guys and saw what happened,
But before she knew it, she fell in a trap and got caught.
Yeah, she was all alone.
With no friends, and no phone.
Now this was beyond her worst dreams,
‘Cause she was cornered by some wayward teens.
Headed by Shredder they were anything but good,
Misguided, unloved, they called them The Foot.
They could terrorize and be angry youth, and
They mugged the people. Who needed proof?
Then from out of the dark came an awesome sound!
Shouted “Cowabunga!” as they hit the ground.
From the field of weeds the heroes rescued the flower,
‘Cause they possessed…Turtle Power!

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles POWER

When you stand for what you believe in,
and find the strength to do what’s right,
that’s, TURTLE POWER!

Heroes on the half shell, they’re on a mission.
When there’s a battle got the enemy wishin’.
That they stayed at home, instead of fightin’.
These ninja masters with moves like lightnin’.
They were once normal, but now they’re mutants.
Splinter’s the teacher so they are the students.
Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello,
make up the team with one other fellow,
Raphael. He’s the leader of the group,
Transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop.
Pizza’s the food that’s sure to please,
These ninjas are into pepperoni and cheese.
Back to the story, it’s not hard to find.
Ninjas not just of the body but of the mind.
Those are the words that their master instructed,
But a letter from Shredder had Splinter abducted.
That was the last straw, spring into action.
Step on The Foot, now they’re gonna lose traction.
Now this is for real, so you fight for justice.
Your shell is hard so you shout; “They can’t dust us off!
Like some old coffee table.”
Since you were born you’ve been willing and able,
to defeat the sneak, protect the weak,
Fight for rights and your freedom to speak.
Now the villain is chillin’ so you make a stand.
Back to the wall, put your sword in you hand.
Remember the words of your teacher, your master:
“Evil moves fast, but good moves faster!”
Then light, shining from your illumination:
Good versus Evil equals confrontation.
So when you’re in trouble don’t give in and go sour,
Try to rely on YOUR…Turtle Power

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
T-U-R-T-L-E Power!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Power! POWER

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be taking a penetrating shot at Under the Skin, scratching more than its surface to expose all of its layers in order to see if its beauty is in the eye of the beholder or only skin deep. So read on only if you’ve already seen Under the Skin, or don’t plan to.

NOTE: Under the Skin shows quit a lot of it, actually, so the following review contains images that are NSFW. Please stop reading if seeing people’s naked bits upsets you. You’ve been warned.

Scarlett is a gutsy actress

Synopsis

Under the Skin is the story of an alien (Scarlett Johansson) who inhabits a human woman’s skin. With the help of fellow aliens on motorcycles, she seduces men and brings them back to her house. Once there, her victims are swallowed by a black goo and their meat is sent back to the alien planet for food. After picking up a man disfigured by neurofibromatosis, the alien has a change of heart and sets him free. One of the motorcyclists chases him down and kills him, while Scarlett runs away and meets a gentle man in a rural village. After expirimenting with human food and sex, she hikes alone in a forest where a ranger attacks her. While tearing off her clothes, he tears her skin and reveals the alien beneath. Shocked, he douses her with petrol and sets her on fire.

[I referred to Wikipedia's Under the Skin (Novel) and Under the Skin (film) for help]

Now you can sit back and enjoy my review in peace.

0:02:36 A white light that plays bad violin music is meant to represent what, an alien embryo? ET = Eggstra Terrestrial.

Miss Conception

0:03:41 The alien is learning how to speak, but it just sounds like Scarlett Johansson practising her alphabet.

0:04:23 An iris floating in milk. “I don’t like the look of this milk, Midge.”

0:6:42 A motorcyclist picks up a woman’s corpse that another alien used as a shell. The motorcyclist is an alien in a male’s body (been there done that, trust me).

0:07:14 Al K Hall nudity alert: A naked Scarlett Johansson is undressing the cadaver, in a room of white light. The only thing missing to make this intellectual is bad violin music.

0:11:13 Scarlett Alien goes to a shopping centre. This explains a lot of the people I see there on Saturdays.

0:12:28 Now she’s in her van, window shopping for men in the street.

0:13:49 Looks as though she’s found one in her size and colour. Unfortunately, he’s no longer available.

0:17:04 She picks up an electrician with whom she ought to be able to hook up.

Driving a ‘pick-up’ truck

0:17:43 Now, later, she’s driving alone. No way of knowing what happened to the electrician, and whether or not they made a connection.

0:18:18 WTF!? Another rejection? Only in Scotland could Scarlett Johansson have so much difficulty bumping uglies.

0:20:44 Inside a totally black room with mirrored black floor, a new bloke gets naked (a little too hooligan for me, but nice buns) and walks into the black water that Scarlett is walking on top of. She’s a sort of Venus fly trap, luring men in and killing them.

“So, it’s spread from my balls?”

0:27:52 And the WTF!? abounds. A local woman jumps into the ocean wearing a heavy coat (the water must be cold) to rescue her dog. So the husband goes in after her. As does the handsome Czech bloke in a wet suit that Scarlett was chatting up. He brings the husband back to shore, but the husband returns to the sea for his wife. The Czech lad collapses in the surf so Scarlett can kill him with a rock and drag his corpse across the pebbles, in front of the baby that the man and wife abandoned on the beach in favour of their dog.

0:29:36 That night, the motorcycle alien swings by and picks up the Czech’s tent and ignores the crying infant alone on the beach. The motorcyclist walks away and the tyke stops crying long enough to shoot him a look of total WTF!?

Are you shitting me or am I?

0:33:42 Scarlett gets swept like white trash into a dance club where she lets a desperate lad in a shirt as cheap as his cologne chat her up.

0:34:22 Back to the black room where the local boy looks a lot better out of his cheap clothes as he walks into the black water wearing his hard-on, and not his sleeve.

0:37:43 Once in the black liquid, our chap’s insides are sucked out like oysters on the half shell, leaving his skin to float about like a scarf in the wind. This is absolutely one of the worst ways to lose an erection.

Skinny

0:38:40 The innards are then sent on a sort of cosmic conveyor belt back to the home star. Disassembly line.

Click the photo for full video with explanations

0:44:45 Motorcycle alien from the beginning gives Scarlett a literal once over as though deciding if she’s still good to ride, then leaves her without so much as a tune up or test drive. He pays special attention to her eyes, as that’s how he can verify she’s still an alien (see my note at 04:23). Turns out Under the Skin is The Host for intellectuals.

0:45:47 She falls to the pavement and looks as though she’s either breaking down or having one.

0:47:11 Her eyes go black, like like my soul watching Apartment 1303. This moment is when she first feels a touch human.

0:52:34 She picks up a beautifully disfigured man - Adam Pearson - and this exchange will be the most touching scene in the film.

Click the photo for full video

0:58:11 WTF is that black skeletal beastie? Ah, it’s the alien in its natural form.

0:59:27 Al K Hall nudity alert. Scarlett Johansson is naked while the disfigured bloke (also naked) walks deeper and deeper into the black liquid. This entire sequence with Adam is really quite masterful.

From left to right: Beauty and the Beast

1:02:27 Instead of letting him die in the black muck like the others, Scarlett sets Adam free. In good consciousness. He walks out the back door of the house, and is now walking naked through the fields outside the city. Perhaps Scarlett is breaking out of her mould, like a Venus fly trap growing a heart.

1:03:54 Motorcycle alien goes to the back garden of the house where Adam is climbing through the fence. He throws Adam in the boot of a car he finds there and kills the poor lad. Maybe the old bird in the window of the neighbouring house can look after his motorcycle while he drives away with Adam’s body.

1:04:22 Beautiful scenery. In the book this is meant to show the difference between the alien’s planet and our pretty one.

Isserley spends her spare time walking on the pebbled beach by her cottage, marveling at the beauty of Earth compared to her home world where most beings are forced to live and toil underground, and the wealthy Elite live on the surface, but still unable to tolerate being outside.

From the Wikipedia page, Under the Skin (novel)

1:07:59 Scarlett is at a small restaurant in the mountains looking like a runaway, which she is, as she’s run away from her home – planet.

1:08:55 She discovers how to eat people food, and not just people. Then she learns how to spit up her food on the plate. Have you ever seen anyone eat cake in super slow motion? Trust me, you know what you’re missing.

1:12:35 A good Samaritan bloke meets her on a bus, gives her his coat and takes her shopping for food, then back to his house where they watch telly in silence and then don’t sleep together. So, basically, they’re already married. [British comic Tommy Cooper is on the telly. TIL he died of a heart attack while performing on 'live' television. You'll hate yourself if you verify this on YouTube.]

Rush hour in Dumfries

1:15:48 WTF!? He invites her there because on the bus she said she needed help, but he doesn’t ask her anything after that? Like why she doesn’t eat? Or why she doesn’t speak? Or how far does she go on the first date?

1:17:12 Al K Hall nudity alert. Scarlett Johansson standing naked, including her nether region (to develop pubic awareness), by the red light of a heater. This is one way to make her look hot to a gay man.

1:18:46 Motorcycle alien enlists the aid of two helpers to track down Scarlett. Three helmets are better than one.

1:21:04 An alien that’s afraid of heights. A lofty concept.

1:24:28 Scarlett lets her Samaritan get in touch with her: using his penis. She jumps to the edge of the bed in a panic when she experiences her first orgasm. Fortunately, most women will never know this problem.

There’s a hole in my theory

1:36:34 Scarlett hikes alone in the woods and decides to take a nap in a  bothy. While she’s asleep, a park ranger rubs her leg and causes her to awake with a start. She bolts into the forest, but he catches up with her. Then, as he’s ripping off her clothes to rape her, he accidentally tears off some of her skin, revealing her alien form. The rapist runs away, as he finds beauty is only skin deep.

Click image above for full video

1:40:10 She takes off her face like a mask…

Because you need to look up to yourself

…before the rapist returns and sets her on fire with petrol.

1:42:28 She collapses in a pile of burnt alien as the snow falls.

Barbecuing the Alien’s spare ribs

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: Only 2 that got under my skin
• When to Follow: When you hate those movies where things happen. Ideal for a Sunday morning hangover, complete with fap matter.
• What To Feedback:

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Brilliant acting

I’ll be the spider, you be the fly, and this will be our Web address

Will you give me a hand for dinner?

Can’t even act surprised

He’s excited about his part in the film

Literally prefers finger-food

“Mars? Shit, that was my stop!”

Got a piece of ass, literally

Rock-a-bye baby…

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of another, better, intellectual film

Fernby Films: Captain America The Winter Soldier – For when you want to see Scarlett with clothes on!

Oh, Al! Booze Revooze of Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be examining Afflicted, taking its temperature and checking up on each episode to see if it’s a strong showing or just sick. So read on only if you’ve already seen Afflicted, or don’t plan to.  

Synopsis

Found-footage film in which a man travelling with a friend in Europe discovers he was made into a vampire.

0:02:32 An Asian man (Derek Lee as Derek) and his film-making mate (Clif Prowse as Clif) have decided to do a video blog trip around the world. Isn’t ‘around the world’ prostitute jargon? Looking at these two knobs, it is.

0:04:38 Derek has AVM which means he has a problem with the blood vessels in his head. (The big one.)

Afflicted with brain freeze

0:07:44 Day 1: Barcelona, Spain

They meet 2 musician friends who serve no purpose to the the story. Like real musicians.

0:09:40

That was way more scary than I thought it was going to be.

Clif after parachuting

Like your grammar? #scarier

0:11:11 Day 7: Paris, France

Their musician friends (Unalaska) put on a show in Paris and it goes like this.

0:12:06 Far more interesting than the quest to find a girl with whom Derek might fornicate, is the fact that Unalaska’s entire set consists of 1 song.

0:13:48

This is hands down the shittiest thing I’ve ever done to a friend, but we’re going to do it because it’s in the spirit of Paris.

Cute Musician (Edo Van Breemen) is talking about how he and Talented Musician (Zach Gray) – and Clif – intend to ‘Turkish Cock Block’ Derek, who is bedding a Parisian harlot called Audrey in the hotel room.

Interrupting your friend having sex is ‘the spirit of Paris’? Where did you learn about Paris? Bible school?

0:14:19 They burst in and Derek is unconscious in bed, with a wound over his eye and in his arm. This is the true spirit of Paris.

Derek has good taste

0:15:32 No one wants to take Derek to the hospital because someone would have to examine all the WTF!? Also, Audrey’s clothes are still in the room, yet no one wants to discuss where she might be or what might have happened. Like diarrhoea stains on the bedsheets, everyone just wants to look the other way and move on.

0:16:53 Day 8: Vernazza, Italy

Derek, the chap with the brain tumour, passes out for 12 hours while still wearing his backpack. Clif, however, is more concerned with his own equipment. (Not a euphemism.)

0:18:33 At a restaurant, Derek eats a plate of pasta and vomits it all over the floor of the terrace. #SeeFood

0:18:54 WTF!? Now it’s the middle of the night? Does Clif ignore Derek for the entire day following his technicolour belch? After being attacked by a girl, sleeping 24 hours and volcanic vomiting on top of his brain tumour, am I the only one who thinks Derek might have a problem?

When I am the voice of reason, things have gone too far.

Light Waves

0:19:48

We’re not stopping the trip.

Derek’s argumentation

Good enough for Clif. WTF!?

0:21:08 Derek develops a sort of allergy to the sun that looks like a skin rash. Perhaps it’s a new strain of French STD? [FYI, it's at this point that I should have realized Afflicted is a vampire story.]

0:23:16 Later that evening (WTF!? how did they get home from the vineyard?), Clif argues with Derek about stopping the trip. They sound like gay men arguing over their Pomeranian.

0:23:40 This woke me up.

Wall Nuts

0:24:35 Clif is no longer worried about Derek, because he can break rocks as well as balls. WTF!?

0:26:09 Night 12

Derek can run 60 kilometres an hour. Still not to the doctor’s, but what about to the mechanic’s?

0:28:02 Derek pulls out his eyes which are replaced by evil eyes / stink eyes / eyesores.

Vampire takes time for reflection

0:30:25 Derek can also jump freakishly high. An even bigger leap, however, is why Clif feels must convince Derek to go to hospital, rather than simply calling an ambulance himself.

0:33:08 On the way to the hospital (finally), Derek kicks the arses of two Italians. Obviously there’s no need to continue on to the emergency room because…I don’t know, you’ve got me – the director hates Italians, I guess. Besides, this film has now become terminally WTF, so there’s nothing to be done to save it.

You might as well face it, you’re addicted to blood

0:33:34 It’s clear, now, and I should have seen this before: Derek caught a vampire STD from the Paris slapper. He can’t eat, he can’t go in the sun, he has super human strength and licked Italian blood off his fist as if it were tomato sauce.

0:34:28

I’m just trying to harness the power of the Internet to help you with your vampire problem.

Clif to Derek

Derek’s reaction.

What the Fucks

0:35:34 Night 14

Clif brings Derek some cow’s blood but Derek can’t keep it down. #ScaryMoovie

A Bloody Mary, hold the Mary

0:38:25 Derek attacks the vintner’s piglet, but is sick on that as well. Perhaps he’s a kosher vampire?

0:39:28 WTF!? Derek breaks into a blood bank to bribe an orderly for human blood, but then panics because they know who he is, as he had to show them his ID. At exactly what point during a bribe does one party say,  “I need to see some identification”?

0:42:23 Derek comes out of the dark looking like Nosferatu with rabies. To prevent Derek from biting off his own tongue, Clif inserts a dowel rod he evidently keeps in his hotel room for just such emergencies.

Vampires should brush their fangs twice a night and after every feeding

0:43:25 Derek has been unconscious for 11 hours and only reacts when Clif gets close enough so that Derek can smell his blood. That’s when he barks. I’ll be surprised to see Clif make it out of this film alive.

0:43:59 Night 17

Derek has completed his mutation into a wolf. A were-vampire, as it were…wolf.

0:47:24 Derek attacks Clif and sucks him off. In the non-fun way.

0:48:16 Because of the guilt, Derek blows his own head off. In the shotgun way.

0:48:34 And then comes back to life. No way.

0:49:16 Night 21

Derek explains to the camera that the suicide was pointless and shows us the place where blowing his brains out healed. That’s gonna leave a scar.

The brains of the operation

0:49:47

There has to be a way to fix me. So I’ve got to find Audrey.

Lol, for a moment I thought he might say a hospital or some such nonsense. I tend to forget straight men believe the right woman can solve all their problems.

0:51:39 Sun test #1

Vampires get sun burns, not sunburn

Because the film must kill either people or time, and there are no people around.

0:53:36

Stop it! Stop shooting me!

Derek as Interpol chase him through the streets

Things vampires say.

0:55:44 Night 22

He made his way back to Paris and is living in an abandoned garage type place. All he needs is a coffin and it’ll be just like home.

How does one vampire welcome another vampire? “Make yourself at tomb.” “My coffin is your coffin.” “Other than garlic, what’s your poison?”

Living room, library, bedroom, with a toilet in the foreground

0:57:01 Night 25

Derek returns to the hotel room to find Audrey’s affairs, including a telephone that looks as though it were built by Motorola.

0:58:10 Once at the hotel, he also finds his brother from the States and the police. The good news is, they’re French police, so they’re probably only there to surrender.

0:58:44

A Bad Hold Up

0:59:18 Now Derek’s crying into the camera in a church. The premise of the ‘I’m a vampire carrying a video camera with me wherever I go’ is running thin as Nicolas Cage’s hairline.

1:00:22 WTF!? Derek’s fortunate that the phone has been sitting in a Lost & Found box for three weeks, yet still has a charge. He’s going to text all the numbers on Audrey’s phone to ask for a meeting and try to get lucky. Sounds like my average weekend.

1:05:48 Derek holds Maurice, Audrey’s pet blood hound, hostage and broadcasts a live feed so that Audrey will see it and hopefully rescue her blood brother. On what platform is he broadcasting this to be sure Audrey will see it? Fangbook?

1:06:29 Audrey wasn’t the only one watching. The SWAT team shows up and get their collective arses swatted.

1:10:19 There comes a moment in every found footage film where the idea that someone was really filming this seems far-fetched. For this film, it was twenty minutes ago.

1:13:23 Filming an action scene as found footage with two cameras (who edited all this together, by the way?) is just silly. They choose the format for the gimmick and then all but abandon it like a non-allergen cat or a ginger baby.

1:14:17 He begs Audrey to kill him, so she drives a wooden stake (from a loose pallet) through him. #heartless

Don’t it make my brown skin blue

1:14:37 He pulls it out of himself and learns he cannot be killed. He has to feed every 4-5 days or he will become a monster that must feed daily. Like an underwear model.

1:16:35

You were dying. I thought I was being kind.

Audrey’s explanation as to why she chose to turn him

Good thing she doesn’t work in a hospital.

1:19:05 Derek accepts he must kill, so he preys on a child molester. My favorite part of the film. And not just because it’s the end. #NoMercy

Take a bite out of crime

Roll credits

1:19:59 During the credits, a chap with a video camera is in Italy where Italian girls are undressing poolside in the middle of the night.

1:20:48 A plug for my website!

1:21:24 He really likes my site.

1:21:31 It’s Clif! He’s become one of those vampires that didn’t feed enough and so turned into a monster. Like I do, if you get between me and me Yorkshire pudding.

1:21:36 Roll credits to not a bad song (“L.A.” by Unalaska).

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 13 sucky ones
• When to Follow: If you’re a hardcore found-footage fan, this one isn’t the worst.

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

“Is it true Vampires do it all night?”

Rash decisions

Time to walk the vampire

Pedophile with hang-ups

Death Metal

Needs suicide like a hole in the head

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of Evil Dead

Fernby Films review of another Found-Footage horror movie

Al K Hall Booze Revooze of G.I. Joe Retaliation

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be completely overhauling Need for Speed, checking its points, and finely tuning what makes it work to see if it’s auto-erotic or an autopsy. So read on only if you’ve already seen Need for Speed, or don’t plan to.

“Hello, Police? I think I’m being followed.”

0:01:12 This is a film about car racing. I know as much about car tires as drivers know about satires.

0:02:47 Michael Keaton as Monarch, the sports DJ. Keaton once played Batman, and now I want to see a movie where Batman is a DJ.

Good evening, Gotham. I. Am. Batman. Spinning the hits and the knock outs until dawn, so don’t hesitate to call in if you have a request or if you see Catwoman. First up, here’s Wolfmother with ‘Joker and the Thief‘.”

0:03:25 The good news is Tobey is played by Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad. The breaking bad news is, I’m having drug flashbacks to Speed Racer instead.

Braking Bad

0:04:09 Swing-set at a late night drive-in that’s showing Bullitt. Those of you who are anti-Yank obviously don’t know everything about America.

0:04:38 If you’re looking for something to hate, this remake of “Fortunate Son” is a good place to start.

0:06:47 Tobey’s ex-girlfriend, Anita (Don Johnson & Melanie Griffith’s daughter Dakota Johnson), is now his arch enemy’s sex-girlfriend. When she talks to Tobey, she hides her breasts with her arms. I wonder if he speaks body language.

“Boobs? What boobs? The only boobs here are you and I.”

0:06:59

 Anita: Thank you for watching out for Pete.

Tobey: He’s like a little brother to me.

Looks like Pete got a red shirt for Christmas, and Christmas came early.

0:07:46

Dino has something he wants to talk to you about. After the race, though. I don’t want to distract you.

Anita to Tobey

I don’t know about you, but this kind of sentence would drive me to distraction fast.

0:11:12 WTF!? Where did these young chaps find the money necessary to put together this computerized electronics board that is connected to the car’s equipment and includes real-time video? When I was their age, I could barely afford 50p to play something like that in an arcade.

Watching “Car-nal Desires III: Tail Pipe”

[Click the image for the full video of the race]

0:11:21 Nice incidental music, but, like Aaron Paul, it’s in the wrong film.

0:17:22 Dino (Dominic Cooper) offers Tobey $500,000 to fix up a Ford Mustang. I’m reminded I don’t really know – or care – about cars. I am also reminded that Dino was the pet dinosaur on The Flintstones.

0:19:04 Tobey agrees to rebuild the car because he’s behind in the payments on the garage. If this film runs on clichés, it’ll go far.

0:21:46 Only in New York City do people have parties to watch an advert.

Auto-satisfaction

[Click on the image for the video]

0:23:02 Ooh, an English slapper approaches Tobey at the party. Women love mechanics in America, maybe because of lube jobs. Who am I kidding, it’s because Aaron Paul. He can crank my shaft whenever he likes.

0:23:21

She’s not from around here, Pete. She probably has no idea who Carroll Shelby is.

She probably does have an idea of what grammar is, however. #was

0:23:37 Julia Maddon (Imogen Poots) is a blonde playing blonde and will be revealed to be a connoisseur. Thus Tobey can play petrol station attendant and fill her up.

TIL The actress’s full name is ‘Imogen Gay Poots’. I officially would like everyone to start calling me ‘Gay Poots’ from here on out.

Auto-eroticism

0:26:17 Can someone please explain to me in the comments how one driver can drive faster than another in a straight line? Isn’t it just a question of pushing the accelerator as far as it will go?

0:28:48 Dino agrees to race Tobey for the total price of the Mustang deal (2.7 million). I’m trying very hard to care, I assure you.

0:29:42 Pete (Harrison Gilbertson) is a young boy cuter than My Little Pony kittens (they grow them adorable in Adelaide, Australia, mate). He is also Tobey’s sidekick and Anita’s younger brother. He’s going to race one of Dino’s ultra-fast European sports cars, over Tobey’s objections. Looks like Pete will wear out the red shirt Anita and Tobey gave him at the drive-in.

0:34:03 Didn’t take me long to be right.

[Click on the image for the full crash video]
[Click here for the video of the full race]

0:36:07 WTF!? Dino caused the accident by rear ending Pete (and wouldn’t we all like to) during the race. Yet now, at his funeral, he’s comforting Anita, Pete’s sister. Did she ask what happened to him, or did she run right out and buy a new dress for the funeral?

0:37:21 I see. Dino paid witnesses to say he was never there. This is harder to swallow than anything else Dino can dish out.

0:38:00 Fast forward 2 years, which is nice for Tobey because he just skipped over a prison montage.

A-door-able

0:39:32 His garage is being foreclosed upon, so he’s going to race to win the money to pay for it. Unfortunately, this isn’t telly, or he could sell meth for the cash. Breaking too Bad.

0:40:32 The English bird drops off the Mustang Tobey and his team rebuilt earlier, so that he can race it in what sounds like The Daily Own, or some such nonsense. [We will later learn the race is called the De Leone, which is still such nonsense.]

0:41:41 Julia, the potential love interest, is ‘forced’ to travel across country in the Mustang with Tobey to go to California for the race. I’m not surprised, you’re not surprised, the only one who’s bloody surprised is Tobey. Keep in mind, though, he’s as bright as a broken light bulb burst up the bum of a bulky bloke buried beneath a black hole.

Finally understood my ‘auto-eroticism’ joke

0:48:46 Dino now has to win the Daily Bone to get 5 million from an investor. Ooh, both leads have to win the race for love and profit!? I sure didn’t see that coming in a giant American pick-up truck loaded full of shite.

0:50:14

He just left him there, that’s what I can’t forgive.

Tobey about when Dino killed Pete

WTF!? You can forgive the murder of your closest friend but not the fact the killer didn’t hang around afterwards? Does that mean if he’d killed your friend and stayed, you’d be forgiving him like Jesus at a Roman orgy?

0:53:20 They pull up in front of an office building to lure one of the old grease monkeys (Rami Malek as Finn) away from his new, high paying executive job? WTF!?

Thinks ‘asphalt’ is spelt ‘ass fault’

54:16 Back In The Saddle remake to Finn stripping down to his ugly socks. #UndressCode

A Happy End

[Click on the image for the full video]

0:56:35 His friend had to give up his plane because of flight restrictions, which evidently permit people to fly at street level in down town Detroit in a helicopter. In other news, a baseball game is in progress and the number of supporters proves that the sport is even less popular than cheese rolling.

0:58:39 I’ve seen better driving in an MIA video.

0:59:19

1:00:29 WTF!? Benny steals a news helicopter, then lands the stolen helicopter immediately beside a manned police helicopter that simply flies away so Benny can then nick an ENTIRE PLANE!?

1:07:03 Dino just promised he’d give a Lamborghini to anyone who stopped Tobey from arriving at the Gay Leone. If you want to see the original Need for Speed: #GumballRally #CannonballRun #SmokeyAndTheBandit #SWAT

1:08:46 WTF!? This whole Internet radio show with Michael Keaton is just ridiculous. He apparently does the show 24 hours a day and has so few listeners that when Julie calls in he takes it immediately, not even knowing who she is.

I have to pee so bad my glasses are full

1:10:17 Retooled version of “All Along the Watchtower“. Meanwhile, Anita suddenly decides to doubt Dino’s story because she’s on her WTF.

1:16:32 Tobey and Julie escape the police in a petrol station by placing a chain on the axle of his patrol car. Like a sexual encounter with a Londoner, this was much less exciting than it was meant to be.

1:18:02 They’re in permanent love (unless there’s a sequel). I can tell because the music got really stupid.

“God’s Unicorn!”

1:21:36 Tobey asks his air support for help but is ignored until Benny arrives in a military helicopter the army let him borrow because they’re nice chaps that way. Good thing the ‘last minute’ wasn’t ‘one minute ago’.

1:23:54 The helicopter picks up the car and carries it off a cliff to the Bonneville Salt Flats. Still not as good as Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

1:25:06 The WTF!? is getting so thick I’m finding it difficult to breathe. Air Force jets come and tell Benny to return to base because he filed a false flight plan. Benny tells his team that he has to go to prison but he’ll be back.

1. Why did the officer in the heli let him take it in the first place?
2. How did Benny know where to fly?
3. If he knew where to go, why didn’t he file the correct flight plan?
4. How did he know to bring special straps to carry a motorcar?
5. Can we call this scene The Strap On?

One flies, and the other’s a helicopter

[Click on the image for the full video]

1:26:42

 I’m surprised you made it.

 Dino to Tobey in San Francisco

If I were Dino, I’d also be surprised only one group tried to stop Tobey, when the reward for doing so was $3,000,000. I would also spend a lot of time with myself in the shower, because I’d be sexy.

1:28:08 The sole reason Tobey goes to the hotel is to not get into a fight with Dino. There’s a great deal of not happening going on in this film.

“I got the oil but they were out of lube.”

1:29:58 Just as I was telling myself, “That’s the sort of angle they use before a car wreck,” they had a car wreck. Fortunately, a lorry hit the Mustang hard enough to make it spin in the air, but not enough to hurt Julie, who was sitting on the side of the car that was demolished. In a race film, love makes you stronger than a motorcar.

Smashing!

1:36:32 After leaving Dino, Anita gives Tobey the car Dino was driving when he killed Pete. I’d have thought a car that hadn’t been driven or even started in 2 years would need some work to get it going again but no, one just turns the key and the engine is better than ever. Motorcar engines are like wine and cheese, they get better with age.

1:39:34 Tobey and Julia share their first kiss with her in the hospital: A romantic, memorable film kiss… would’ve been nice instead of this tepid white bread soggy squishing of lips. Lol, the kiss is so boring Julia falls asleep, and that’s not even a joke.

Carrying her over the threshold…of pain

1:42:47 WTF!? At the De Leone, Tobey tells Dino he’s going to give the incriminating sports car to the cops, but first he’s going to race it. I’m not sure that’s the best way to handle the trail of evidence. Source: I watch a lot of CSI.

1:43:52 America’s streets might not be paved in gold, but they give you laptops in hospital to watch races. It’s all a part of National Health Car.

1:45:01 Laptops in hospital make more sense when you realize prisoners can watch iPads. They have female prison guards in male jails and all Benny has to do is smile at her and ask her to bring an iPad and she does. How does that even work? Does she notify her supervisor she’s going to be a hard-wood telly stand, or does she risk her career by smuggling it in?

Television stand

1:45:08

Ladies and gentlemen, [Tobey] Marshall’s balls have just been located, and they are very, very large.

Monarch (Michael Keaton)

WTF does this even mean? They’re so large we have to look for them in order to locate them?

1:48:41 The police are taking out the racers one at a time by crashing into them. Is this what Columbo would do?

Fired up

1:52:16 Dino just hit the third remaining driver and sent his car into a series of flips. He’s rather good at that. One could even say he kills at that.

1:53:16 If Tobey didn’t have the ‘this film is about me’ advantage, he probably wouldn’t have won the race.

1:54:58 Tobey pulls up next to Dino, then brakes just as Dino veers to run him off the road, so Dino himself flips out and falls victim to his own trap. Karma is a driving force and she just went round the bend. #KarmaGhia

A turn for the worse

1:55:40 Lol, just when everyone thinks Tobey is going to win, he turns back to rescue Dino. Because Tobey could overlook the ‘dead friend’ flap, but hated that no one went back to watch Pete go up in flames.

1:57:08 Tobey goes back and saves Dino, then drives to victory with the police close behind. BTW, how did the drivers know which roads to take to get to the finish line? Or where they just meant to drive around until the last car crashed?

1:58:21 He wins and surrenders to Linkin Park singing “Roads Untravelled”.

Jail Bird Practice

[Click on the photo for the full video]

1:59:31 WTF!? The police scan radio announces the car that Tobey is driving is the one that killed Pete 2 years ago, so Monarch the DJ declares Dino is going away for a long time. I’ve heard of smart phones, but a radio smart enough to process tainted evidence and convict a man for manslaughter…?

2:00:48 Continuing his stint as legal disc jockey, Monarch states Tobey will spend only a few months in jail to prove his innocence. Of course, he just might lose some of that innocence in jail as well.

Just saw his parents bumping bellies

2:01:14 178 days later

Julia picks Tobey up from prison and they drive off into the sunset. Literally.

2:02:48 This was based on a video game series? I much prefer Resident Evil in that vein.

2:03:02 During the credits, we see Benny in a Utah prison teaching inmates how to dance.

Auto-mates

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 11 winners
• When to Follow: When you want to see a remake of Fast and Furious with Aaron Paul Walker

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Flip Him, He’s Cooked

Having a friend for BBQ

New Kids on the Engine Block

Champagne Antifreeze

“Sorry, she’s got her hand full right now.”

Human fly catcher

Getting pumped up

Pulling a fast one

Riding Shotgun

A new kind of Parallel Parking

Perpindicular parking

When ‘a quickie’ doesn’t mean a car

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF!? of an even worse film

Fernby Film reviews all of the Fasts and Furiouses

Al K Hall’s WTF!? review of a film that has some racing somewhere, I think

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be attacking Sharknado 2: The Second One, exploring its guts and dissecting its heart to see if it was worth reviving or better off dead. So read on only if you’ve already seen Sharknado 2, or don’t plan to.

He saw what I did here

0:00:33 A flight attendant with purple hair (Kelly Osbourne) serves C*** Light [I reserve the right not to place products]. For the moment, it looks more like Mars Attacks than Shark Attacks.

0:00:49 Tara Reid and Ian Ziering travel in economy and can’t even afford a light beer. If they’re not 1st class, they may be No Class.

0:01:32 A WTFunami!

• The flight attendant asks Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) to sign his book, but the author is listed as April Wexler (Tara Reid)
• We’re expected to believe Tara Reid knows how to write
• Especially after seeing her signature
• Apparently the best way to survive a Sharknado is to use a Galaxy Tab. [Read the text closely!]

Seems Tara got high even before take off

0:02:47 Fin looks out the window and sees this in the lightning in the clouds:

The clouds look menacing

0:03:42 WTF!? A woman sniffs when entering the aeroplane toilet after Fin? Smells fishy to me.

0:04:31 LOL! The pilot of the aircraft is Robert Hays…the pilot of the plane in Airplane! 

0:05:32 No one believes Fin when he sees sharks becoming stuck on the wing. He’s not the only thing that’s hard to believe…

0:07:28 Sharks hit the cockpit windscreen like giant fish insects.

0:07:44 Oh no! A shark rips out part of the fuselage and passengers get sucked out of the plane.

Wil Wheaton & his wife Anne in their uncredited appearance – I hope Wesley doesn’t Crusher

0:08:04 Kelly Osbourne has her head taken off by an unruly passenger…shark flying down the centre aisle.

0:08:37 A shark wedged in the windscreen attacks the copilot. When Robert Hays tries to pull her to safety, both of them are pulled from the cockpit and into the clouds. This would be their last fling.

0:09:47 Fin fights his way to the cockpit while sundry passengers are attacked by ichth-ijackers. When he finally reaches the pilot’s seat, he remembers he doesn’t know how to fly a plane.

0:11:08 Amazing! The federal air marshal slides his gun to April, who is flapping out of the door holding onto a safety belt, yet the force that has her flapping about is not strong enough to budge the gun. April picks up the pistol and shoots the shark that the Marshal sees coming from miles away (maybe he’s a seer), but not before the shark bites off the hand holding the gun. The shark had a hand in this.

0:12:18 Fin lands the plane and the passengers applaud. This is something new for Ian Ziering.

0:12:21 Opening Credits

0:13:28 Naked cowboy cameo, for those of you who like your culture like your corn: Pop.

0:14:09 Fin’s family are waiting for him in New York and consist of his sister (original MTV vee-jay Kari Wuhrer as Ellen Brody), brother-in-law (Mark McGrath as Martin Brody), niece (Courtney Baxter as Mora) and nephew (Dante Palminteri as Vaughn). The brother-in-law and Fin were close until the friend bedded Fin’s sister. Bros before bros-in-law.

0:15:02 American ‘journalist’ Matt Lauer plays himself, i.e. a man pretending to be a journalist.

0:15:42 Andy Dick (as a cop) lives up to his name.

0:16:17 Original MTV vee-jay Downtown Julie Brown as a dis-orderly in the hospital April is taken to.

0:17:05 Cameo by American chat show journalist Kelly Ripa.

0:17:17 SharknadoBook.com: I just hope this book is different from the excerpt the showed at the beginning of the film. Will April sign my e-copy?

Ian wishes he knew how to read

0:17:28 Billy Ray Cyrus as the doctor. I’d have liked to have seen Miley Cyrus as the doctor, in keeping with the true disaster spirit of Sharknado. I know this may sound crazy, but I just had the feeling Fin would be able to get her hand back, like he did when rescuing Nova in Sharknado 1.

0:18:50

The shark kept chasing me. And it had this huge scar across its face. And I shot him in the eye. But it took my hand. It’s like he knew who I was.

April in hospital

Look how close she gets to complex sentences! Good for you, Tara!

0:19:32

April: Why did you marry me?

Fin: Because I wasn’t perfect and you didn’t care.

WTF!? This is actually a decent line. How did it get in this film?

0:20:12 The weather forecasts 12 inches…of shark. I only wish I was kidding, because then I could take credit for it.

0:23:58 Judd Hirsch as a taxi driver. #Respect [For you kids, Taxi was the first good sit-com in the history of television.]

0:30:12 Skye (Vivica A. Fox) meets Fin at the baseball stadium where he goes to rescue his brother in law and nephew.

I forgot to give you something the last time I saw you.

Skye

It’s her tongue.

To Fin’s credit, he tells Skye he and April are trying to work through their issues. On the other hand, Skye has another hand.

0:31:52 The Sharknado hits the baseball stadium, so Skye, Fin, brother-in-law, nephew and Bryan (Judah Friedlander) a strange bloke who has no reason to be in the film (*cough* red shirt *cough cough*).

0:35:02

There are more of them. They’re closer. We need to move the boat faster!

Ellen Brody on the ferry back from Ellis Island

WTF does one do to move a boat faster?

0:35:31

She wasn’t wrong, however. A shark at the face off her friend (Tiffany Shepis as Chrissie) who was like a douche (disposable).

0:36:26

Underground transit worker #1: I can’t believe I forgot my gloves again.

Underground transit worker #2: What are you, afraid of the dark?

WTF!?

0:37:21 In a nice twist, there’s a giant alligator living in the tunnels under New York, and it falls victim to a shark.

0:38:40 Cameo by Perez Hilton as a knob waiting for a subway. Basically he plays himself, only waiting for a subway.

0:38:46 No sooner do I say that, than they have an advert for Subway fast-food sandwiches inside the film.

0:39:35 Perez Hilton is eaten, Subway advert crew is eaten, and we learn that Fin’s strategy to survive a Sharknado is to outrun everyone else in the tube.

0:39:46 Meanwhile, Bryan gets eaten saving a police officer’s life. But then I already told you that was going to happen.

0:40:22 They spent no expense when making this film.

Special Education Effects

0:44:16 A stockbroker helping Ellen, Mora and Polly (Sandra ‘Pepa’ Denton) goes back for his briefcase and is crushed by the Statue of Liberty’s head. Or, how to get a head in business.

0:44:45 The most bizarre and serial WTF in this whole film is how no one knows there are sharks falling from the sky and swimming in the tunnels except for people who know Fin. Like Six Degrees of Shortfin Mako.

0:47:23

Al Roker: A sharknado is a lot more dangerous and a lot more deadly.

And a lot more bad than your grammar. #deadlier

0:50:42 Vaughn finds “Napalm” brand lighter fluid.

When you care enough to burn the best: Napalm Brand Lighter Fluid

0:53:48 April escapes from the hospital single-handedly (see what I did there?).

0:57:24 Ben the cabbie (Judd Hirsch) dies swinging from a rope from the bonnet of his cab to the safety of another car, taking the rope with him. Fin gets across by running atop the backs of the sharks, shouting Frogger before he goes.

0:57:53

Martin: You know what you just did, don’t you?

Fin: Don’t say it.

Martin: Jump the shark.

#Credit where its due.

1:00:01 In an interesting exchange while taking the elevator to the top of the Bales hotel to throw bombs into the Sharknadoes, Skye reminisces in support of interracial marriage…and only 30 years late. If you want to impress me, Skye, be a man.

1:00:18 Lol. Elle, Mora and Polly pedal the Citi Bikes in a frenzied panic while passers-by stroll casually around them.

1:00:32 Polly is flattened by a whale shark.

1:05:29 The plan of launching lantern propane taped to flares into the heart of the tornado using a slingshot isn’t working. Where could it have gone wrong? This plan didn’t even look good on paper.

1:06:27

We work good together.

Skye to Fin

Not on your English grammar, you don’t. #well

1:07:01 In the extreme panic of their slow, ambling walk, New Yorkers are crushed by flaming sharks.

1:07:51 WTF!? How can a high-rise hotel flood from the ground up? Does no one know how to open the front doors?

1:10:58 Tara Reid hooks up with fire fighters and then picks up her husband so they can all do it together. And by ‘it’, I mean make a really bad film. Seriously, WTF does the F.D.N.Y. pick up a civilian to fight sharks?

1:11:31 They mayor rudely interrupts April’s drama to bed Fin for help.

1:12:47 Fin’s plan is to use the lightning rod of the Empire State Building to blow freon tanks into the tornadoes and freeze them to death. What could go wrong? Rather, what else could go wrong?

14:02

We’re talking about shark falling rates of 2 inches an hour. So, those sharks are really going to pile up.

Stephanie Abrams (weather bird)

WTF!? Wouldn’t one single fallen shark be more than 2 inches? Sharks are not snow, am I right?

1:14:28 The mayor gives Fin a giant chainsaw for the Giant Chainsaw Massasharks. [Yes, I said it, and I'll do it again if given the chance.]

1:15:28 Fin’s speech. #DependenceDay

1:16:24 WTF!? Some terrorist organization left a table full of bomb supplies on the pavement for April to find and get an idea. #Taliblonde #Djihadn’t

1:17:10 Yes! That’s what this film was missing! April used all the hardware supplies to make a saw hand. Good for sharks, bad for other jobs, unless one wants to become a woman in a short cut. (Still not as good as Rose McGowan’s machine gun peg-leg in Planet Terror.)

1:18:48 WTF!? Fin tells Skye to take April to the bottom of the Empire State Building from the rooftop so he can blow up the top. Yet when his electrical connection becomes undone, he calls Skye to fix it. Maybe he’s trying to kill her.

1:20:07 In a perfect WTF storm, both Skye and Fin are thrown from the top of the skyscraper, unharmed by the explosion of three massive freon tanks. Sky is then bisected by a shark and I was right that Fin wanted her dead.

1:20:46 Sharks are falling from the perfectly clear sky and New Yorkers demonstrate the advantages of gun permits by attacking the sharks with a wide variety of weaponry that would be illegal in a civilised country.

1:22:56 Fin grabs a magically floating chainsaw, lassos a shark, and rides atop it until it becomes skewered on the lightning rod of the Empire State Building.

1:23:54 Fin pulls April’s arm out of the shark (as predicted way back at 0:17:28) with the gun still in the dead hand and shoots the sharks that are falling at him horizontally.

1:24:18 He discards the arm but takes the diamond ring from it, and asks April to marry him again. She agrees and a fireworks truck explodes for the grand FIN-ale.

Roll Credits

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 18 aggressive ones
• When to Follow: A decent sequel to Sharknado, though not nearly bad enough, or as often.

A shout out to my mate Sir Rodney for putting Sharknado on my radar, and to The Asylum for making this masterpiece.

What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of Sharknado

All of my Mockbuster Reviews

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be digging into Avalanche Sharks, freezing each frame and analysing the flurry of action to snow if the film is cool or merely leaves us cold. So read on only if you’ve already seen Avalanche Sharks, or don’t plan to.

Master bait

0:01:58 Two snow boarding ‘dudes’ hear an avalanche canon and look downhill to see the avalanche coming at them – I call WTF!? Then, the snow turns blue and a CGI snow shark eats one of the lads in ‘cold’ blood.

0:02:15 The surviving dude is impaled by a tree branch in one of the absolute worst special education effects I have ever seen. It’s a bad sign, indeed, when the director cares less about the film than the viewer.

0:05:36 A slapper prepares for the ride up to the ski slope by putting on a bikini – and it’s not even a water ski slope.

0:09:21 The dork driver’s boring story of how alien sharks found themselves preying on snowboarders and skiers is mercifully cut short. Unfortunately, it’s by a snow sport montage.

0:11:29

Half a century ago, I would have given them ‘what for’.

Pervy bloke behind a tree to his husky when a teen in a bikini walks by

Girl in a bikini lost on a snow covered mountain? He’s the luckiest pervert in creation.

Her smile is as genuine as her boobs

0:12:52 WTF!? An ‘end of day’ montage? The film is only an hour and a quarter long. Montages are the dinner rolls at the all-you-can-eat buffet of cinema.

0:15:32 One of the ex-generation is worried because his brother isn’t at the bonfire. He doesn’t yet realise just how long lost his brother is.

0:16:06

You are the sexiest marine biologist I know.

Ski resort cop to his girlfriend

They live on a mountain in Canada so, you do the maths.

0:18:08

Duffy, how many times do I have to tell you to stop sneaking up on people. You’re an old man who looks crazy.

Ski patrol chap to mountain man

The ‘looking crazy’ part might just be his dyeing his beard blue to look older.

He hates his chin fungus, but it’ll grow on him

0:20:46 This late night shark attack leaves me cold.

Cold Cuts

0:25:08

Don’t worry your sweet little body about it.

Ski resort owner to guest worried about her missing cousin

0:27:21 WTF!? A young man named Randy is in a hot tub with three women in bikinis who are also randy, yet he leaves to help a fully clothed worried woman on the off chance she “will be down for a little ‘boarding'” , which is not even a real euphemism. #nailedit

0:32:28 Bloke watches his girlfriend get attacked by a snow shark and has the common courtesy not to say a word when he turns tail and runs away.

0:38:36

She was mauled to death. I mean, there wasn’t enough left to make a Sloppy Joe.

Hiker taking about his ex girlfriend

0:39:46 That you might see how truly horrific the CGI effects are.

He put his foot in his mouth

0:43:11

Global warming is shrinking the ski season every year.

Town Mayor

In case you required more proof as to the validity of global warming.

0:46:34 The three bikini lasses have spent the entire day alone with each other in the hot tub. Either they’re gay, or this film is unrealistic.

0:49:33 Snow plowed

Serves him right for choosing that specific place to do some blow.

0:57:22 The basic film-making of this movie is so bad it’s distracting and takes away from the fun.

0:59:35 Sharks in the hot tub

1:02:07 WTF!? The young man levels his girlfriend with an elbow to the nose and everyone is OK with that?

“I’m so sorry, baby. It’ll never happen again in public.”

1:03:07 A giant avalanche rolls down the mountain because this film just has to be longer than one hour.

1:03:52 The cop is eaten by a shark and, like my collection of bellybutton lint, it’s nowhere near interesting enough to show.

1:06:51 LOL! The orange structure sitting on top of the snow is meant to be the roof of the police station. The rest of the building is supposedly buried by the avalanche. Hard to catch this with all the sunlight coming in the windows beneath the snow.

1:07:15 Duffy’s death scene is worth a laugh.

1:11:03 Asian woman in the mountain is fixing the shrine the Native American shaman erected after the previous snow shark attack that happened way back when…in 1988. WTF!?

1:14:49 How to kill an avalanche shark.

1:13:33

I’m goin’ somewhere warm. Forget the snow. Florida or something like – no, not Florida. Not the ocean, either. I hear they have sand sharks.

Dale, the Ski Patrol captain

All the more amusing when you learn ‘Dale’ is portrayed by Eric Scott Woods, who played a character called Sheriff John Stone, two years previous, in the film…Sand Sharks.

1:16:14 After the worst ending possible, one of the totems slips and an avalanche shark returns. I’ve seen better climaxes alone in the shower.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 15 that really bite
• When to Follow: At the bottom of your ‘mockbuster’ pile. Avalanche Sharks is a bad ‘bad’ film, not a good ‘bad’ film.

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Vegetable’s Soup

In-digestion

Hunger Games Outtakes

“Stop picking your nose, you don’t know where it’s been!”

How Wade got the nickname ‘Menstruation Face’

“I’m gonna need a bigger coat.”

The wonders of nature

A GIFt from Google+

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

All of the Mockbuster WTF reviews in one place

WTF Review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Fernby Films review of Michael Bay’s version of “Avalanche Sharks”

Al K Hall’s Booze Revooze of Piranha 3D

[links to other reviews]

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be analysing each level of The Raid: Redemption, exploring every angle and walking through the construction step by step to determine if  the film is suite or a big gaff. So read on only if you’ve already seen The Raid: Redemption, or don’t plan to.

“We’re the exterminators!”

0:02:06 Rama (Iko Uwais), a very fit young Asian cop (for whom I’d like to take a massage / try ‘tie’ sports / enjoy some man-ga), is leaving his pregnant wife at dawn for work.

Wife: I told you to wake me.

Uhm, I tried, but you’re already awake.

0:02:44

I’ll bring him back.

Rama to his ancient father who wears button up shirts at 4am to formally greet the dawn.

Bad Neighbour Hoodie

0:3:21 Indonesian SWAT commander (Joe Taslim as Sergeant Jaka) briefs his team about taking a building run by Tama Riatti (Ray Sahetapy), the crime lord. The building is a tower block for lowlife criminals and dealers looking for a place to lie low. Their Home Weed Home / Home Sweat Home / Home Speed Home.

0:05:11 Tama (with his thugs: Andi the brains (Donny Alamsyah), and Mad Dog the brawn (Yayan Ruhian)) sets down a bowl of noodles then strolls over to a bound and gagged (but not in the fun way) bloke kneeling on plastic and casually shoots him in the back of the head. Then the next chap and so on down the line. When he runs out of ammo, he returns to his desk and chooses a hammer over the bullets before playing handyman with the last bloke, who plays the unenviable role of the nail. #hammered #NailedIt

0:11:41 It would seem there are also civilians living in the building, as a bespectacled professorial looking geezer (Iang Darmawan as Gofar) wants to take medicine to his sick wife. Which means he’s taking drugs [think about that joke and, like a surprise package, you'll get it  when you least expect it].

0:17:17 WTF!? The SWAT team does a room by room sweep of the criminals and it’s only when they get to the fifth floor that Tama with his wall of surveillance video screens knows the cops have arrived? I’ve seen better security in a McDonald’s toilet.

0:18:41 Snipers in the neighbouring building begin shooting SWAT members one at a time. Indonesian take out.

Flirting with death

0:19:16

5th floor secure

Criminal into the interphone

WTF!? The first order Tama gave was to cut communications! What communications were stopped? Love notes and smoke signals?

0:21:57 Tama makes a general announcement to the building that anyone who kills a police officer can stay in the building for life, free of charge.

And please, please enjoy yourself.

But not grammar. #yourselves

About to shoot his mouth off

0:22:34 Lieutenant Wahyu (Pierre Gruno) tells Sergeant Jaka that no one else knows they’re there. Wahyu must have wanted to have a secret mission in the worst way.

0:24:16 A large number of criminals open fire on the police from the level above with automatic weapons. #StairwellToHeaven.

0:26:14 Andi, the brains of the illicit operation, sees our handsome hero from the beginning on the video monitor. We’re reminded of how our hero told the old man he would bring ‘him’ back, so we assume the cop and the criminal are brothers. Sibling rivalry: Gangsta level.

0:28:57 Lovely fight scene where the police cut through the floor with an axe to make it to a lower level where they’re greeted by unarmed thugs who give them a fighting chance.

0:31:23 Very cool bomb idea. First time I’ve seen gas go in the fridge and not come from it. #fartjoke

0:42:29 Gofar (the husband from earlier) lets Rama and an injured officer (Tegar Satrya as Bowo) into his flat with his sick wife, because he arrived there hours ago. Seems the civilian’s survival skills are better than the commandos’.

0:43:13 WTF!? The nerdy husband has a secret hiding wall. It’s a fake wall he opens with a crowbar so that Rama and Bowo can hide in the crawl space. Meanwhile, the gang members go on a flat by flat search for the officers in a new version of apartment hunting.

0:46:25 The hoodlum pokes his machete into the faux wall – either suspecting it’s false and can’t be bothered to investigate really, or he just hates walls – and he gives Rama’s cheek a stabbing pain. Our hero has to pinch the blade to clean off the blood when the hoodlum withdraws the sabre. Like my driving in London, this a ridiculous concept but suspenseful.

Bloody cheeky

0:47:44 Because Gofar has no knives in his flat (WTF!?), Rama has to dig a bullet out of his mate’s leg with a spatula. Fortunately, the gang cannot hear him scream because they took reality with them when they left.

0:48:46 Andi discreetly takes out 2 of his own henchmen in an elevator, and I don’t mean on a date.

Being a henchman is back breaking work

0:53:25 Another extremely well choreographed fight scene. The director doesn’t have to hide his incompetence by blurring everything.

0:55:39 Rama grabs hold of a henchman and uses him as a shield when he goes through a window and then as a mattress when he lands on the fire escape below. One should always carry a henchman with one, for just such emergencies.

0:57:26

What the fuck are you doing here?

Andi accosts his brother (Rama) in the corridor

Kicking ass, it would seem. As well as promoting my website. #shoutout

1:05:15 Jaka gets his neck broken by Mad Dog, the short, skinny chap, who is the brawns of the gang, despite his height (or lack thereof). What’s short for ‘brawn’? Ah, he’s like the ‘bra’.

“Have you seen Snow White? I’m Sleazy, the 8th dwarf.”

1:07:09 The brothers (good cop – bad guy) catch up after not having spoken for six years. Here’s how that might have gone.

Rama the Cop: So how’s business?

Andi: It’s murder. And yours?

Rama the Cop: Very arresting.

1:12:19

We go up. We attack. We get who we came here for, and we use him to get out.

Rama

This is the new plan. It’s better than their previous plan of ‘get shot and die’.

Solitaire Russian Roulette

1:17:21 A team of three (Rama, Lieutenant Wahyu, red shirted agent Dagu – Eka ‘Piranha’ Rahmadia) have another fight scene, this time in a drug lab. All You Need Is Drugs / Let Me Put My Drugs Into You / I Would Do Anything For Drugs (But I Won’t Do That)

1:20:58 Mad Dog ties up Andi and beats him like a red-headed step child. When Rama arrives, Mad Dog lets him patch up his brother before they both take on Mad Dog in a three-way where no one has any protection.

1:23:53 In the meantime, Wahyu and Dagu make their way to the gang leader’s office where Wahyu kills Dagu AKA Officer Red Shirt. Then Wayhu gives Tama a chance to escape. Wahyu might want to hold on to that though, as he’ll soon be needing it himself.

1:25:51 In the meantime, the two brothers are still fighting Mad Dog in a martial arts scene best described as ‘tantric’. The choreography, however, is better than sex.

1:28:54 Andi stabs Mad Dog in the neck with part of a broken florescent light, yet this pain in the neck only serves to make him a better fighter. WTF!? At least until Rama drags it from one side to the other.

Bright idea

1:29:59 WTF!? For the beat down they just had handed to them, the two brothers leave the room surprisingly unharmed. Far more resilient than they have the right. I look worse leaving for work on Monday mornings.

1:30:22

What the fuck are you doing?

When Lt. Wahyu walks down the stairwell with Tama as a hostage, Rama promotes my site!

1:21:59 Lieutenant Wahyu thought he was leading the intervention because the higher-ups at HQ wanted him to replace the king pin. In fact, they were sending him on a suicide mission because they’d warned Tama beforehand. Wahyu was stabbed (and punched and kicked and shot) in the back.

One way to hit the ground

1:32:32

Be quiet.

Wahyu shoots Tama in the temple

The first plan today that works.

1:33:27 He tries the same plan on himself but it backfires, as there are no bullets in his gun.

1:34:32 Andi gives Rama a computer disc containing the records of every crooked police chief. It’s a hard drive… to secure.

1:36:44 Rama, Bowo, and Wahyu (now in custody) walk away from the tower. Andi is the new king on the block.

“Help! I’m floating away!”

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 5 solid ones
• When to Follow: When you’re eyes are thirsty for visual caffeine. You don’t even need to be a fan of martial arts films to enjoy this one.
• Where’s This Found: Out of a possible 10, I have 8 F’s to give

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Door Stopped

“Stop! You’re smothering the poor bastard!”

Bottom of the class in Machete School

Negociations have hit a dreadlock

“I guess you’re hiding the sweet in this hand.”

Practising for the dentist’s

Organ Grinder

Kama Sutra: The Peeing Dog

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What to Follow Up

Much more professional by Fernby Films

WTF!? Review of another excellent indie action film

Booze Revooze of a ‘B’ as in bad film

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be running a deep scan of Transcendence, analysing each byte and diagnosing its program to determine if it is one big error or a screen saver. So read on only if you’ve already seen Transcendence, or don’t plan to.

“It’s a 24-hour bug…because you’ll be dead by tomorrow.”

[On an international flight for my summer hols and I find this film on the entertainment screen, so subtract about 1 minute from each time to accommodate the airline's intro.]

0:03:48 In the future, Internet crashes the world.

0:04:34 Flashback 5 years from that because this scene here would be too boring to actually begin with. Proving that point, Evelyn Caster (Rebecca Hall) and Dr. Will Caster (Johnny Depp) are the only things not dirty on a patio.

0:10:53 One of the Mara sisters (Loony Mara?) is in the audience while Caster gives a presentation on artificial intelligence, of which she is certainly a prime example.

Just realized she enrolled in Physics and *not* Physical Education

0:12:04

Bloke in the audience: Dr Caster?

Dr Caster: Yes, sir. A question.

Bloke: So, you want to create a God. Your own God.

Dr Caster: That’s a very good question. Isn’t that what man has always done?

No. Not in the case of Justin Bieber / Meth / Internet Explorer.

12:42 The bloke from the audience shoots Dr. Caster. A lot. In the lobby and in the guts.

0:12:50 Bree (Kate Mara) looks back purposefully on the assassination as she walks away. The bloke commits suicide with a bullet and has a tattoo on his wrist that reads “unplug”. #ironic #ThinkAboutIt

AssAssin Jeans

0:13:15 There is a coordinated attack all over the country on computer research centres. Dr. Caster survives, without a scratch. WTF!? They must’ve unplugged him and plugged him back in again. Seriously though, where was he shot that he has absolutely no injuries at all? He holds his hand to his side so perhaps it was just a through and through. Or a booster shot. No, wait, a cheap shot.

0:14:14 Morgan Freeman is Joseph Tagger, a computer expert to whom Dr. Caster pays a visit. Tagger’s lab was annihilated by a poisoned birthday cake. Someone added too much dioxin.

“Say ‘Samuel L. Jackson’ one more time.”

0:14:37 The name of Bree’s (Kate Mara) terrorist organization is RIFT.: Revolutionary Independence from Technology. They’re really not anonymous.

0:16:04 WTF!? All of the AI labs in the US are destroyed and research is set back 10 years, and Will Caster doesn’t trust the government enough to give them access to his lab. The government (in the form of Cillian Murphy, the actor who played Scarecrow in Batman Begins), asks Caster if they can see his work on a project called PINN (Physically Independent Neural Network). When Caster asks,  “Do I have a choice?” and the FBI chap says,  “Of course you do”, does Caster repeat the refusal he’s just given only moments before? No, he gives them unfettered access to his computers. No doubt to show them the terabytes of WTF!? he has backed up.

Pocket billiards championship

0:17:52 Dr. Caster is back in the hospital because he has some sort of infection, says David Hodges from CSI (Wallace Langham as Dr. Strauss). From the way Will is stomach sneezing / driving the porcelain bus /calling God on the white phone, the infection sounds like it may have come from Jack Daniels (or an STD: Sipping Transmitted Disease).

0:18:41 Ah, the bullet was laced with polonium. Apparently Will is polonium intolerant.

We’re looking at 4, maybe 5 weeks before his system shuts down.

It sounds as though he’s already a computer. Evelyn Caster (Rebecca Hall) takes it well considering he’s as terminal as the tip of a battery at the end of an airport concourse.

“I’m afraid it’s your film, Mr. Depp. It has no heart.”

0:20:23

Will: I need to get back to my labs.

Max: Will, is that really how you want to spend the last month of your life?

No, you’re right, send over a box of twink porn and enough trifle to kill an opera singer.

How would you like to spend your last month on earth if you were a rich doctor? Let us know in the comments!

0:21:31 Evelyn removes a lot of PINN’s circuitry and takes it to an abandoned building where she’ll work on merging it with Will because she saw a picture of a monkey with electrodes on its head. LAN of the Apes.

Will Caster is losing his resolution

0:28:06 Johnny Depp with his head shaved bald and his skin all grey still looks better than I. Perhaps I should add a mortal dose of polonium to my morning cuppa.

0:29:48 Will’s friend Max Waters (Paul Bettany) and Evelyn are uploading Caster’s brain, scanning his head, and making him read a dictionary for his voice patterns. Soon he’ll be crashing early and crying for his mother board.

0:30:49

Johnny Depp as Riff Raff

0:31:38 Will dies. Maybe we should start calling him “Won’t”.

0:32:23 They pour his ashes in the river and Joseph (Freeman) begins  a long monologue about Will and Evelyn’s epic love. Frankly, I never saw it. For their entire time together on-screen, they looked more like lab partners than life partners.

They kiss like haemorrhoids bumping

0:35:42 The program becomes self-aware when Max and Evelyn turn it back on (they forgot to erase the drives). In other words, turning it off and on again works, even when helping computers become sentient.

0:39:02 Pinwheel (PINN + Will) asks to go on-line for ‘educational purposes’ (I’m guessing porn) but his friend Max doesn’t believe it’s Will. He thinks Dr. Caster is more of a PINN head.

0:40:01 Evelyn throws Max out because Max wants to take things slowly regarding letting Will on-line. Evelyn, on the other hand, is sure it’s Will’s brain because there are videos of his memories. If this film were about me, showing videos of my memories would be illegal in most countries.

Evelyn and Max discover Hobbit porn

0:42:48 Max is kidnapped by RIFT and taken to meet Bree. Before Bree can attack the computer storing Will, Evelyn gives him internet access, so now he’s more widespread than Jennifer Lawrence’s breasts.

0:46:31 Aw, that’s sweet. Will just made Evelyn richer than King Midas with Microsoft shares. She’s the boss of a town and owns it. Literally–she bought a city.

0:48:57 Will hacks surveillance cameras all over the country and squeals like a computer mouse by giving info on RIFT members to the feds. #PersonOfInterest

0:52:11 Bree and the rest of the RIFT crew that weren’t arrested go underground in a forest above ground. Kate Mara looks ridiculous with fake blonde hair, BTW, and like Diana Spencer marrying Prince Charles, no one knows why she decided to do this to herself.

At the weekend, Kate Mara is an Appalachian Priest

0:52:24

You know, I used to work for Thomas Casey [the doctor who pioneered the brain / computer technology connection]. I interned for him. One night, he invites us all over to the lab, give us this whole speech about history. He hands out champagne, like he just cured cancer. And, you know, when he uploaded that rhesus monkey, I was actually happy for him. We all were. And then I realized, we’d crossed a line. The machine that thought it was a monkey, never took a breath, never ate, never slept. It just screamed. It was begging for us to stop. To shut it down.

Bree to her kidnapped Max

WTF!?

0:56:23 In voice – off, Max says that Pinwheel is power-hungry, and not just for electricity.

0:58:26 WTF!? OK, I must know, how does a computer light a candle? That said, if it can light a candle, it can certainly do other things to please Evelyn which would explain why she’s in love with her monitor. It’s not Her, it’s Him.

1:00:32 Fast forward 2 years. The town Evelyn and Will bought has a massive underground computer laboratory with a lot of matte work.

Johnny Depp Ikea advert

1:01:27 In the meantime, Will has cured cancer and Parkinson’s disease by figuring out a way to repair damaged cells.

Parkinson’s disease…

Can you imagine having a disease named after you? Like Pauly’s disease: a discernible and irreversible sharpening of the tongue.

1:03:07 The locals, spurned on by RIFT, beat a bloke like he was Brazil in the World Cup.

1:05:04 Oh no! That’s creepy. When Pinwheel healed the labourer (Clifton Collins Jr. as Martin), he inserted himself into the help’s body (on a cellular level, not a ‘Vaseline and a fag afterwards’ level).

FTFY

1:08:21 Now they heal a paraplegic in the bunker. RIFT posted a video of Martin on-line to create fear and anger, but it backfired because now hundreds of people are lining up at the compound. It would seem everyone would like to have a little Johnny Depp inside of them.

1:12:08 Jennifer ‘JJ’ Jareau’s husband from Criminal Minds (Josh Stewart as Paul) gets his sight back and all I can think is, I’d be willing to have Johnny Depp inside me and he wouldn’t have to do anything.

1:15:32 WTF!? The FBI’s plan is to turn off the Internet? And blame this on the terrorists? Even if it were possible, Pinwheel has proven he can live independently of the Net, as he was born in an independent work station. If they uploaded Foodfight!, however, he might be turned off. [Seriously, an animated film with Eva Longoria and Charlie Sheen? WTF!?]

1:16:53 Oh no, the WTF is getting very deep. Max says the hybrids (the people Pinwheel cured, who are now networked) are operating on code he wrote, so he can hack into their brains. It’s at this moment I realize the trailer is all anyone ever needs to see of this.

1:22:27 There’s an attack and one of the hybrids is shot but he’s able to pick up the pieces.

Try my hand at coding

1:23:28 It takes the hybrids quite some time to recover, however. The rebels don’t really have to stand there and wait for them to come back to life though, do they? “Hurry up and repair yourself so I can shoot you again!”

1:24:38 The rebels & FBI capture Martin to steal his source code and write a deadly virus.

1:28:47 Evelyn leaves Pinwheel and he makes the sky cry.

1:31:28 WTF!? Pinwheel leaves his code out in the rain and the air and the water, so somehow every human who touches it will become a hybrid, and organic life will end. Which is not a big problem, as far as I can see, as ‘organic’ is really quite over priced and probably just a marketing scheme.

1:33:56 Bree is so deeply involved in the cause she’s only changed her top three times in the past 5 minutes. She’s into saving the world in style.

1:34:37 The rebel plan is to inject the code virus into Evelyn, so that she can upload it into Will. It’s an STD, where ‘S’ stands for ‘Shareware’.

1:35:06 Will found a way to make himself a physical man again. Apparently we don’t need to know how. I’m just busy admiring this film’s stubborn refusal to end.

Knows computers like the back of his– “Hello, what’s this doing here?”

1:44:53 WTF!? Bree threatens to kill Max if Will doesn’t upload the virus but

1. Who gives a toss about Max
2. Ten seconds ago Will demonstrated he can disarm anyone by dissolving their weapons, so why doesn’t he simply do the same with Bree?

1:47:58 Will uploads the virus and all the hybrids deteriorate like raw meat on the window sill.

1:50:49 This phone would probably be abandoned even if technology wasn’t gone forever.

Black Buried

1:51:58 WTF!? The happy ending is that Evelyn and Will are still together living as code in rain water? So the scheme to destroy technology worked, but it spared only this the couple and turned Will into a drip?

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 11 that go above and beyond
• When to Follow: When you’re desperately gagging for an IT film. Or want to see a weathered Johnny Depp overdressed and under-acting.
• Where’s This Found: Out of a possible 10, I have 5 F’s to give

• What To Feedback: Please comment on how you would spend your last month on earth if you were a rich doctor!

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

We’re breaking up

“Your coffee’s not the only thing that’s coming between us.”

Mother Bored

Max is the only one without a boner

“Close your eyes and pretend I’m Denzel Washington.”

Kate Mara: Dildo Tester

Roofies

“Your breath smells like pork cheese.”

Germany 7 – Brazil 1

“♫ My hard will grow on… ♪“

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What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of a more exciting Sci Fi flick

WTF!? explanation of another why-fi film

A far better review of Transcendence by Fernby Films

A Bar None Booze Revooze of bigger budget why-fi

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be analysing each of step All Cheerleaders Die, looking through its play-book and observing its routine to determine if the film is victorious or a loser. So read on only if you’ve already seen All Cheerleaders Die, or don’t plan to.

Student Bodies

00:00:28 Mäddy (the inimitable Caitlin Stasey) is filming a student documentary on her high school’s cheerleaders, to the strains of a hard rap to beat ["Medication" by All Day].

Blackfoot High Media Technologies Class

Student Profile #4

Alexis Grace Andersen

Dir: Mäddy Killian

Screen card introducing us to our first victim. That we see this even before the opening credits says this film moves along at a good clip. Also, note Mäddy’s surname. Coincidence? Coincidence like flight attendants banging on the lav door when you’re making the wrong noises is coincidence.

Nice body…for a car

0:00:42 In an interview about cheerleading…

Mäddy: So why do it?

Lexi (Felisha Cooper): Because it’s dangerous.

Mäddy: Like you can sprain a tit or something?

0:00:59 I like the editing so far. Very quick, but not too much so. I’m not even that put off by the old women (23 – 27 years old) dressed up as one of my least favourite American’ts: the cheerleader.

0:01:31

As a Brit, I ‘ma fana Americana.

0:01:33 Leena (Sianoa Smit-McPhee) steps in front of Mäddy’s shot and looks either like a serial killer or his victim.

0:03:21 A pain in Lexi’s neck. This film is so good so far.

0:03:35 Flash forward three months later (two days before senior year) and rap, like the girls, is not yet dead.

0:04:04 WTF!? For some odd reason, Lexi’s widower boyfriend Terry (Tom Williamson as black football stud) is driving her car with a new cheerleader girlfriend beside him (Brooke Butler as Tracy). I understand that he’s riding Lexi’s friend, but her car…?

0:04:52 Hannah (Amanda Grace Cooper), the school mascot, is another cheerleader’s little sister (Reanin Johannink is Martha Popkin). Think of her as a pet.

0:07:48 Mäddy joins the cheerleading squad and straight boys the world over rejoice in having one more girl in a half shirt and short skirt to amuse and abuse themselves to.

Find the coldest cheerleader

0:09:02 Mäddy swears she’ll make Tracy and Terry pay for crocheting crotches so soon after Lexi died.

0:09:58 Leena is Mäddy’s stalker, to the point of naming her pussy after Madeleine. (Kitten, actually.)

0:11:46  Bikini party montage.

Oh man, I want her to piss in the pool.

Footballer George Shank (Chris Petrovski)

0:16:15 Mäddy and Tracy sit in a car with girl folk music (Shay Astar – Selena).

Tracy: Mäddy, is the rumour about you and Leena true?

Mäddy: What’s the rumour

That you kiss like a snail. #LGBT

0:21:00 Apparently time has passed because, though it appears to be the same night as the pool party, the cheerleaders are now getting drunk with the footballers in a cemetery. Time flies when you’re a teenager, or a bad editor.

0:30:18 When Terry arrives at the party and tells his teammates there won’t be any fraternisation with the cheerleaders, Tracy ripostes:

Three people in my 17 years have made me cum. Myself, of course. This really sweet boy at summer camp, the summer after freshman year. Lovely fingers on that boy. And then, not even ten minutes ago, I got my friggin’ socks rocked off – by Mäddy. But never by you, Terry.

That’s below the belt.

0:30:50 The beginning was promising, but this film is on the edge of devolving into “Vampire Diarrhoeas”. Or “Pretty Little Whiners”.

0:31:12 Terry gives Tracy a punch, and he’s not a bartender. #abuser

0:33:26 Terry forces the carload of cheerleaders to drive off of an embankment into a shallow, fast flowing river. None of the boys with him, however, is inclined to call the police or an ambulance. Evidently, they’re like university boys who prefer their girls wet, underage, and unconscious.

0:37:42 Leena uses her magic stones mixed with her blood and the light of the full moon to make zombies of the cheerleaders. The stones enter non sexual orifices like fingers of a blind teen trying to find third base.

0:39:16 Zombie Tracy wakes up with the other girls at Leena’s place and throws a cat across the room, killing it. Apparently, you can swing a dead cat without hitting a zombie in this film.

“Who are you and why are we dressed like silverware without drawers?”

0:40:48 Martha the cheerleader switched places with Hannah the mascot. #FreakFriday

0:45:42 Tracy goes across the street in her knickers and kills Larry the neighbour. In doing so, she calls the other zombie girls and they help kill Larry because all of them have big stones. And they eat Larry out.

0:49:53 Very nice. In addition to their exits, the living dead know how to make quite an entrance.

(The song is “Look Out Young Son”, by Grand Ole Party)

0:51:35 WTF!? Lena makes the stones dance on her desk and the one embedded in her chest glows like a headlamp, and no one in the entire class notices anything? Perhaps the rumours are true and American students don’t pay attention.

0:57:01 Al K Hall nudity alert. Breast double for Reanin Johannink.

0:59:16 Tracy goes with the marijuana addict sports star and levitates a glowing stone through his head before drinking his floating blood. Meanwhile, Hannah (in her religious sister, Martha’s body) has sex with the obsessed athlete. The other girls experience the physical sensations vicariously and collapse where they are, writhing in ecstasy on the pavement like worms on hot pavement.

A ‘Tea’ party with his dolls

1:01:28

Dude, it happened. Me, Martha, the handicapped bathroom… Dude, I was all up in that sweet, sweet freezer.

Manchester Mankiewitz after he sexes his crush

As it’s Manny’s first time, he doesn’t realize only most vaginas are frigid.

1:04:36 Martha (in Hannah’s body) kills Mannny because he had sex with her sister. She throws him against a tree, in keeping with the ‘wood’ theme.

1:08:21 WTF!? How did Terry and George know exactly where to go in the middle of the night to find their mate’s body? Do they have a sick sense?

1:12:42 While Martha is attacked by the surviving footballers, Mäddy tells the story of when she was raped by Terry days after Lexi was killed. Terry just can’t keep his penis to himself. Unfortunately, Mäddy hasn’t heard of calling the police, but she has heard about elaborate plans of revenge that can very easily backfire.

“My mother died before I was born.”

1:13:17 Terry digs out Martha’s stone from her side with a knife big enough to carve any turkey (except for Apartment 1303).

1:13:26 WTF!? Why does zombie Hannah have to drop her phone to run?

1:14:34 Martha dies again when Terry pulls the stone from her body. Poor girl, can’t stop dying. So Hannah’s body (with Martha inside), kills George by dropping beats on his head with a ghetto blaster.

1:14:44 Terry swallows the stone and becomes super-powered as well. #stoner

Abs like a Hershey’s tablet, and just as sweet

1:16:52 Terry takes off in the van with Hannah’s body, which he’s destroying limb by limb. In pursuit is Mäddy, refreshed from taking blood from Vik (the handsome, young Jordan Wilson), the only redeemable character in the film. Leena is on the motorcycle with her, and Tracy is following in Larry-the-neighbour’s car. It’s a parade I’ve dubbed Mardi Gross.

1:18:21 Terry killed Hannah and eats her stone as well, so he has rocks in more places than his head.

1:20:14 Zombie Tracy dies, this time in Terry’s animal traps, and loses her stone. What’s more, Terry has captured Leena, making Mäddy the only living zombie not in captivity. #EndangeredSpecies

1:22:32 While Mäddy attacks Terry, Lena uses the remaining stones to pull the stones that Terry swallowed out of him, killing Mäddy in the process. You can’t always kill who you want. So Leena screams loud enough for a stone to burn Mäddy’s throat and resuscitate her.

“I think I’m turning into a magnet!”

1:23:42 Mäddy and Leena kiss, a lot. I honestly am impressed that there’s a modern horror film marketed towards young people with a 17-year-old lesbian as the heroine. Even better, her sexuality isn’t presented as a selling point of the film, just as a natural aspect of average high school life. #credit

1:23:52 One of Terry’s stones sinks into the ground over Lexi’s grave, bringing her back to life, though she looks a little worse for where she’s been. Death be not proud…or sexy.

Lost a loved one recently? Check the cemetery.

Roll credits

The music during the credits is a compilation of all the songs in the film and reminds me of the radio stations in Vice City.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 4 screamers
• When to Follow: Not a traditional horror film – it’s better. If you’re looking for something to scare the shite out of you, look elsewhere, but if you’re in the mood for something cheap that’ll show you a good time, there’s a $10 whore, Boone’s Farm wine or All Cheerleaders Die. This film may not be perfect, but it’s close enough for me.
• Where’s This Found: Out of a possible 10, I have 7 F’s to give.

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

“Fuck you and the camel toe I rode in on.”

“Come one, be a man! Like her!”

A Stan Lee cameo

WTF!? You give handjobs with that hand?

Eating blood after 10pm always gives Tracy gas

Still sucking her thumb

Serious Redeye

The End of the film

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF!? of another cutting edge film

Al K Hall Booze Revooze of another ‘chick’ flick

Fernby Films review of a much worse horror film

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be investigating the video of Willow Creek, examining its evidence and exploring its story to determine if it’s legendary or simply a big misstep. So read on only if you’ve already seen Willow Creek, or don’t plan to.

Watch Willow Creek here

A vehicle for their talent

Because Bobcat Goldthwait.

At first I thought my appreciation of the Bobcat must be due to the American in me, but even after he left, I still appreciate Bobcat’s style.

0:03:31 Found bigfootage film of a youngish couple (Alexie Gilmore as Kelly and Bryce Johnson as Jim) on the trail of Sasquatch. Their conversation about douches and dirty vaginas shows them putting their bigfoot in their mouths.

0:08:16 What I find thoroughly amazing is how good these actors are. Seriously, I know real couples who are this annoying.

0:08:44 In the Early Bird diner (Home of the Bigfoot Burger), there’s a Missing Poster for a woman in her late 50s who was last ‘scene’ at the PJ Bar. Identifying marks include “daisy tattoo on left little toe”. A conversation ensues where Kelly misunderstands Jim so well, the exchange must be ad-libbed.

Jim: [Looking at Missing Poster photo] That girl seems pretty happy to be missing.

Kelly: What’s that…

Jim: I should take a picture of you, of what you would look like if you went missing. [Meaning, I assume, with a desperate and forlorn expression on her face.] So that, if you ever went missing, I could show what you would actually look like.

Kelly: OK.

Jim: We’ll dirty you up… Give me your ‘missing’ photo face.

[Kelly, not getting it, smiles as though she were posing for a school photo]

Jim: [Laughing] I don’t think that’s…

Kelly: No?

Jim: No.

Kelly: How ’bout this? [Blank faced expression]

Jim: That’s pretty good.

Kelly: Yeah?

Jim: Yeah.

Kelly: But I do feel like they all smile.

But Jim wasn’t asking you to imitate an actual Missing Person poster, he was asking you to show what a person who’s missing truly looks like while they’re missing. Men are from Mars and women don’t understand anything.

What Jim meant

0:11:51

Jim: This is the great ‘Ohma’ statue, carved by Jim McLaren out of one giant piece of Redwood, right around the time Patterson shot his famed footage.

Kelly: I like his bangs.

Jim: You do?

Kelly: Yeah, the whole flippy thing going on.

Jim: Well, he [Jim McLaren] didn’t. He wished he could’ve re-carved it after he heard Albert Ostman’s account.

Kelly: You’re really making me horny.

Lol. I appreciate films that would get my jokes.

Spent all day in the hair saloon

0:12:39

Very Handy

0:12:56 Interview with an elderly woman (Nita Rowley, as herself) who works at the Willow Creek visitor centre. She’s not a believer in Bigfoot, but she does believe in bears and mountain lions. I suspect that she herself might be a cougar.

0:14:26 Interview with Steve Streufert (as himself) at Bigfoot Books, who looks a little skeevy, especially when he talks about making amateur porn with the type of camera Roger Patterson used when filming Bigfoot.

0:17:17

Kelly: Just getting to this site… Is it kind of dangerous, or would you…?

Steve Streufert: Well, there is a thing we call the Curse of Bluff Creek.

Kelly: What’s that?

Steve: Well, that’s sort of related to the Curse of Bigfoot. The Curse of Bigfoot usually means you’re going to get divorced, that your friends will all think you’re crazy. You’ll be impecunious and you’ll spend all of your days looking for something you’ll never find.

Yes, I mock him, but only because his vocabulary is more capacious than mine. (‘Impecunious‘?)

Wants to make “Willow Creep”

0:17:48

There’s no food and no water, unless you wanna drink the wild water.

Steve on the dangers of looking for the site

Wild water? WTF!?

0:18:42 Interview with Tommy Yamarone (as himself), ‘the Bob Dylan of the Bigfoot community’.

0:21:38 Interview with a woman, Shaun L White Guy Sr. (WTF!?), a native American who shares that, when she was a little girl, Bigfoot made her dad crash his car. I’d be inclined believe this, if ‘Bigfoot’ is a brand of cheap, local whiskey.

0:24:52 Interview with Troy Andrews (Rpeter Jackson, who doesn’t act as well as the people playing themselves, or even people playing with themselves), a ranger tells the story of how “sumpin’ or something” ripped his hunting dog apart.

Troy: There’s a lot of people live back in these woods and they just don’t like other people in their business.

Jim: Like who?

Troy: Like pot farmers and river people. Locals. I don’t know, pets and people go missing all the time here.

So does grammar. #whom

0:29:02 Timmy Red – 952 Frames of Truth

Interestingly enough, Timmy Red is also listed as “Productivity Manager” in the credits. Yes, ‘interesting’ is relative.

0:29:24 A backwoods warning, illiterally.

Spelling Be

0:34:18 As Jim and Kelly near the entrance to the site, a large bear (in the gay sense) tells the couple to turn around, drive back to town and have a piece of pie in the Fuck Off café. I wonder what that pie would taste like.

0:36:24 Jim knows of a different way to access the trail, so he drives off in another direction. Those bells you hear are the loud peals of WTF!? that Kelly doesn’t protest after she’s been expressing concern about the trek throughout the film. Am I ballsy enough to go there where a local mountain man just threatened me away from? Only if we’re talking about a sex joke.

0:38:44 WTF!? They’re looking for Bigfoot and they casually stroll by a huge mound of earth and wood with a doorway and don’t even comment on it? Jim must have more experience with holes than I. #DoubtIt

A plot hole

0:39:16 Wow, Kelly is suddenly very tense and aggressive. Maybe she’s experiencing the sudden onslaught of her period. Or she’s Bigfoot. #SameThing

0:41:29 Jim reaches the site where Bigfoot was first filmed and celebrates by skinny dipping. After 41 minutes of wondering what Kelly sees in him, I’m beginning to understand: it’s not what she sees in him, but on him.

0:41 :38

Kelly: How cold do you think that is?

Judging from what we can detect beneath the water, it’s very, very cold.

Baby got half-back

0:42:01 When Jim leaves the water, he finds his sock hanging in a tree. It’s weird, yes, but even weirder is that it’s a coat tree.

0:42:22 Their camp site is destroyed and their tent demolished. Kelly says she wants to go home.

I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s probably just a bear.

Jim, putting the ‘ass’ in reassuring

0:45:12 Late at night, in the tent, camera rolling…

Jim: So listen, you know I love you, right? I’ve never felt this way about anyone, ever. And, uh, well… [Breaks out the ring] Kelly, will you marry me?

Kelly: [Silence] I don’t know what to say.

Jim: You could start by saying ‘yes’.

Kelly: [Very long and painful silence] I really care about you. I do. I really do. I just think it might be too soon.

Whatever happens during the rest of the film, it will never get as painful for Jim as this.

“Two heads are better than one” – Headhunter

046:54 The suspense is ruining me. I’m dying for them to get it over with, as they soon will be.

0:55:44 While delineating the possible sources of the noises, they list everything, including the perv at the bookshop, but neglect to mention the insane mountain man who physically threatened Jim? Would you like sugar with that WTF!?

0:59:52 I think it’s cute how Jim and Kelly think they’re safe inside the tent. As if rain proofed polymer the thickness of human skin could protect them from anything larger than my salary.

0:47:28 – 1:05:37 A single take that lasted nearly 20 minutes with, as far as I can tell, no cuts. Impressive job by both actors, especially Kelly, though Jim did his part by not getting in her way.

“Eww, it’s coming back out.”

1:06:38 The next morning, at dawn, the couple leave for their car. Jim picks up random hair samples he finds along the path. Like hair of the dog without the hangover.

1:10:28 Kelly realises they’ve been walking in circles for three hours. And not just in their relationship.

1:12:16 Jim and Kelly are chased away by an invisible Bigfoot. He resembles all of the other Bigfeet in that respect.

A Field ‘Trip’

1:16:06 While running away from noises in the night, they find a naked slapper (certainly the missing woman from the poster) surrounded by other noises. Jim is then attacked by noises, that cause the sound of his clothes to tear. The close-up shot of grass is the same that begins the film, then Jim is dragged away screaming by darkness. For a lot of nothing, it’s really something.

1:17:12 Kelly’s screams are followed by Bigfoot wails. No mention is made of how this footage was found. Why do I care?

Roll credits

(The music is “Roger and Bob (Rode Out That Day)” performed by Rozwell Kid)

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 3 that stepped on my toes
• When to Follow: Unfortunately, many people won’t like this film for lack of action and gore. Fortunately, there are those, like me, who will appreciate its intimate look at Americana and Goldthwait’s capacity to develop suspense out of thin air.
• Where’s This Found: Out of a possible 10, I have 7 F’s to give

• What To Feedback: Do you believe in Bigfoot? Yes or no, let us know down below.

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF!? Review of another Bobcat Goldthwait offering

WTF!? review of another found footage film

Fernby Films brilliant review of a different type of found footage horror

Al K Hall’s Booze Revooze of the Paranormal Activities

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be covering Enemy, checking up on its background, studying its motivations and attacking its positions to determine if it’s worth pursuing or poorly executed. So read on only if you’ve already seen Enemy, or don’t plan to.

Watch Enemy here

“When I said I wanted change, this isn’t what I meant.”

Synopsis: This film is the story of a sex-crazed bloke who gives up his mistress and dream of becoming an actor in order to teach school and be a better husband to his pregnant wife. If anyone tries to tell you differently, tell them to come here. A lot. With their friends. I need the hits.

0:01:48 Al K Hall nudity alert: A pregnant woman (whom we will learn is his wife, Sarah Gadon as Helen) is sitting naked on a bed. This scene is placed at the beginning so non-intellectuals have a reason to stay.

0:02:17 Jake Gyllenhaal looking shorter than I thought and hairier than I remember.

A Hard Hobbit to Break

0:04:52 Anthony (Jake Gyllenhaal plays two people – Anthony the actor and Adam the history teacher – who are the same person) uses a key to enter a room full of old and ugly men who are watching a woman masturbate on stage (Al K Hall nudity alert @ 0:02:51). Another woman brings out a serving tray with a dome and a huge spider crawls out after she takes off the top (both the one on the tray and the one on her body).

Heel me

[Explanation: This spider represents 'good/serious' women, which is why a stripper is killing it with her high heel.]

0:06:14 Adam is a professor. He’s a good teacher – if  he’s teaching boredom.

0:07:48 Adam’s girlfriend is called Mary (Mélanie Laurent). She’s the woman he left his wife (Helen) for, six months ago, before he knew his wife was pregnant. Good times, even better timing.

0:11:48 He rents a DVD? What century is this film set in?

First visit to the Pre-Torrent Museum

0:15:08 WTF!? Mary asks him to come to bed but he stays up to watch the DVD and then leaps into bed and begins intercoursing Mary while she’s asleep until she makes him stop. This may be a first for a French woman.

0:16:22 Adam is dreaming of being in the movies. Literally.

0:17:32 He awakes from this dream and goes back to the DVD, fast forwarding until he finds a bellboy who is his doppelgänger, except better looking.

0:20:18 He finds himself on-line. Literally, not religiously.

You Porn

[Explanation: Professor Adam suffers from a split personality and does not remember the period where he left his wife, moved into his empty apartment and stopped trying to become an actor.]

0:24:08 WTF!? Why is Adam afraid to visit the talent agency Anthony (his look-alike) works out of? And why must he wear sunglasses Zach Galifianakis would have looked comfortable wearing in The Hangover?

Pimp my face

[Note: While at the agency, Adam picks up an envelope for Anthony; this will be important at the end of the film.]

0:29:44 After finding out where Daniel Saint Claire (Anthony’s stage name) lives, he calls the flat and a woman answers who is convinced our chap is her husband. (His voice isn’t wearing sunglasses.) It sounds like him because it is him, only he doesn’t know it.

0:32:08 He calls the number again and is happily surprised when a man answers and has “exactly the same voice” as his. Some people talk to themselves, I prefer to leave myself messages.

0:33:42 Anthony is telling his wife that Adam is a stalker, not another woman. Little does he know it’s not a stalker, but it is his better half.

Very pedestrian

[Explanation: Proof that Adam/Anthony is the same person is how seriously both Anthony and Helen think the situation is. Normally, if you were to meet your look-alike, there'd be jovial interest, not sheer panic.]

0:34:42

Helen: Are you seeing her?

Anthony: Helen, I don’t want to get into this.

Helen: Are you seeing her again?

The very pregnant wife is suspicious and accuses the actor of returning to his mistress. She doesn’t believe him, and we see why he failed as an actor when he tries to convince her otherwise.

0:40:37 Helen goes to the university to see Adam for herself. She’s sad because she didn’t order a double.

“Who you doin’?”

0:42:17 After Adam doesn’t recognize her during a conversation, she conveniently waits for him to exit the shot before calling Anthony. Helen never sees both men – Anthony and Adam – together, because they’re the same bloke.

0:44:34

Are you OK?

WTF!? He’s been watching his wife sob for over four hours and finally, in the middle of the night, he asks her this!? Next time he’ll be asking dead people at funeral viewings, “A little under the weather?”

0:45:48 Al K Hall nudity alert: One of the Jake Gyllenhaals has a nightmare of a naked woman with a spider head walking upside down. Still not as weird as the people on the bus after 11pm.

Her looks bug me

[Explanation: This spider woman represents whores / mistresses. #bewbs] 

0:47:18 Adam goes to his appointment to meet Anthony at a small, out-of-the-way hotel. This strikes me as unusual, as I don’t meet strangers in hotels simply because we bear a striking resemblance. Why I do meet strangers in hotels cannot be discussed on the open Internet.

[Explanation: Adam and Anthony are only shown together when they're alone - no other character ever sees both of them in the same place because they are, in fact, the same chap.]

0:49:36

I told you.

Adam to Anthony when Anthony realizes how similar they look. The mood is not one of surprise, but rather of ‘why are we doing this in the dark with the curtains drawn?’

The great semen hunt

0:52:34 The chaps discover they not only resemble each other, but also have the same scars. This disturbs the professor enough that he pulls out. Of the situation.

0:53:31 Anthony’s motorcycle was parked beside the teacher’s car, and now pulls along beside him on the motorway. Scenes in which the men meet are all in Jake’s head.

0:56:34 Anthony follows Mary (Adam’s mistress). He gets in the same bus as she does, even if neither of them is poor.

0:59:46 Adam tells his troubles to his mum (Isabella Rossellini). I wish I could do this (tell my troubles to Isabella Rossellini, though my mum is a lovely bloke).

“Oh mom, you’re my favourite MILF.”

1:00:54 His mum talks to Adam about blueberries, his empty flat and tells him to give up his fantasy of becoming a third-rate movie actor, proving once more that Adam and Anthony are one in the same man.

1:01:06 Speaking of cobwebs in his mind, he’s dreaming the giant spider in the city scene from the poster. There are a lot of spiders in this film. Must be symbolic of something, like how this film bugs me.

City wide infestation

[Explanation: This spider represents mothers, as its design is based on a statue called 'Maman' ('Mother' in French), by Louise Bourgeois.]

Maman, by Louise Bourgeois

1:04:44 Anthony suspects that Adam slept with Helen, so he confronts Adam thusly:

You brought my wife into this, man, so I’m going to bring your girlfriend into the picture, as well. You want me out of your life? This is what’s going to happen first. You’re going to give me your clothes and your car, I’m going to take your girlfriend on a little romantic getaway. I’m going to bring her back home tomorrow, and then I’m going to come back here and I’m going to bring back all your stuff and I’m going to disappear from your life forever. Then we will be even.

In a world where ‘even’ signifies ‘stupid’.

Jake Gyllenhaal plays with himself, then beats himself up over it

1:08:56 The doorman of Anthony’s tower block lets Adam into the building and escorts him to Anthony’s flat, thinking he’s Anthony. In the lift, he prattles on about how he enjoyed “the other night”, leading us to believe he accompanied Anthony to the naked lady spider show. He also says he’d like Anthony to invite him back, as the locks there are changed after each show. The doorman has a lot of keys, except the one he wants. Ironic much?

1:14:34 Al K Hall nudity alert: Quick view of pregnant woman’s milk sacks. The baby bump is almost certainly false. Al K Hall is still deliberating on the milk sacks.

1:19:05 Either there’s a mistake in the editing continuity or the pregnant wife magically put on a bra under her shirt so fast the camera wasn’t able to get it. Like a lot of things in this film.

“Do my breasts look bigger to you, Helen?”

1:19:14

Did you have a good day at school?

Helen lets Adam know she knows it’s him and then goes to sleep, like the rest of us.

[Explanation: Adam has returned to his wife.]

1:19:47 Al K Hall nudity alert: Mélanie Laurent hasn’t the same qualms about intercoursing with a clone.

“Hey, my penis is down there.”

[Explanation: Adam is imagining this scene, and it symbolizes his breakup with Mary (she notices the imprint of a wedding ring on his finger).]

1:20:04 Mary jumps out of bed because in the heat of passion she was analysing Anthony’s finger and saw the band from where the ring had been worn, meaning Adam has returned to his wife. That said, if you find yourself wondering what the your partner’s fingers look like, the sex can’t be that great.

1:22:37 Helen seduces Adam, her good old husband. Fact: 97.4% of women will always cheat on their husband if it can be with their husband.

1:22:44 Anthony crashes the car he’s in with Mary, as she wanted to be driven home. What does it say about a film when the accidents are the most believable scenes?

1:24:11 The next morning, the radio reports on the accident and Adam is safe and sound in Anthony’s skin.

“Who’s hotter? Me or the guy in the mirror?”

[Explanation: This accident never really happened, it's simply a fantasy Adam has constructed to symbolize the fact he left Mary to return to his wife. Mary's dead to him.]

1:25:16 In the envelope Adam had picked up for (24:08) and then given to Anthony, which Anthony had placed in a coat pocket, Adam finds a key, presumably to the spider lady sex show. #outofkey

1:26:18

Helen, did you plan on doing something tonight? Because I think I have to go out…

In other words, all of the soft spoken, professorial attitude was superficial because all Adam needs is the key to sex and he’s opening the door, letting Anthony back in. Men are so base. #thankgod

1:26:38 Lol, Adam walks into the bedroom to find out why Helen isn’t answering him and he finds a giant spider there. He doesn’t panic at all, or even call someone to come over and kill it for him.

Spider, man!

Here’s your chance to help me! Adam’s expression is rather vague upon seeing the spider. What do you think he’s thinking? Watch this GIF and leave a comment explaining what’s going through Adam’s mind.

WTF!?

Roll credits

[Note: I used Chris Stuckmann's excellent video Enemy EXPLAINED - Movie Review (SPOILERS) for help in this review.]

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 5 bitter ones
• When to Follow: You might enjoy this if you thought Fight Club was too exciting and Under the Skin was too interesting.
• Where’s This Found: To misquote E.B. White, “Explaining a film is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.” Out of a possible 10, I have 3 F’s to give

• What To Feedback: Please be so good as to leave a comment as to what you think is crossing Adam’s mind in the final scene of the film (see GIF). Also, if you have a different interpretation of the film, don’t hesitate to let me know in the comments section!

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

“Donnie Darko? WTF!?”

Black bored

“Does this dress make me look fat?”

The Laziest Pole Dancer

How birds feed their young

“Clear browser history…clear browser history…How can I clear my browser history?”

“WTF!? How does Cara Delevingne have my eyebrows?”

Print suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of another offal film

Bar None Booze Revooze of another snooze

Fernby Films excellent review of a better “Enemy”

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be revamping Transformers: Age of Extinction, analysing its transitions and studying its reconstruction to see if it’s transformative or just spare changes. So read on only if you’ve already seen Transformers: Age of Extinction, or don’t plan to.

Watch Transformers: Age of Extinction here

Looks like they all have it

0:02:18 ‘Twas Transformers that made the dinosaurs extinct. Shall we blame them for Blackberry as well?

0:03:32 Darcy Tirrel (Sophia Myles) goes to’ The Arctic’ to see a metal T-Rex skeleton left over from the attack at the beginning of the film.

History’s about to change.

I hope we can avoid telemarketers this time.

0:03:48 Nice music in Texas. [The song is "All for You" by Imagine Dragons]

Al K Hall wishes he could remember Chicago

[Comicbook.com describes what happens if you dial the number on the billboard.]

0:06:26 Say what you will about this film (I know I will), but the cinematography is gorgeous. That said, WTF!? How does a giant lorry get stuck in a cinema?

Drive-in Movie

0:07:12 The casting agent did a great job of finding the only four skinny teenage girls left in the US.

0:08:08 Telly news for exposition. The entire 3 hours of Transformers: Dark of the Moon told in 3 seconds. The government has stopped all cooperation with the Autobots. Meaning they treat the Autobots like the rest of us now.

0:08:44 Some Autobots were given sanctuary and all but a few Decepticons were eliminated by the CIA (in Operation ‘Cemetery Wind’) with the same playing card manoeuvre used by the U.S. army during the Iraq war. The deck was stacked against them, and I ain’t playin’.

0:13:38 A lot of time is spent showing us how poor Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) and his family are. They live in rural Texas, need they say more?

0:19:32 Politicians are no longer working with Autobots but they are working with Lockdown, who is another robot. Not sure I see the logic, but then ‘military intelligence’ is an oxymoron.

0:20:22 Kelsey Grammer plays CIA operative Harold Attinger, and not even the head of the CIA wants to know what Harold’s doing. That’s how Top Secret the mission is. Lol and WTF!? A secret from the head of the CIA itself? Try telling your boss this tomorrow, “Sorry, boss, I can’t tell you what I’m working on as I’ve decided it’s a secret project.”

BTW, Kelsey hates Optimus Prime. #badgrammer

0:22:52

Our pet maggot / giant tampon / albino turd

0:26:32 Honestly, I like this movie so far. Like a Transformer, when it moves along it kicks arse and when it’s slow, it still looks good and shiny.

0:27:16

Cade: You signed it [an employment contract] and now you’re competing. Any idea of yours is mine. Any thought you have, I own it. So, basically, I own you.

Lucas (T.J. Miller): I don’t think you can own someone. That was like a while ago, even in Texas.

0:28:24 Optimus Prime turns himself on (been there, done that).

0:29:48 Robots sneeze. If he has a cold, maybe he needs antifreeze.

“Hasbro bless you.”

0:30:46

Attinger: On this planet, we have a saying, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”

Lockdown: I also have a saying: I don’t care.

That’s a real muscle car.

0:38:46 The CIA arrive at Cade’s house and threaten to kill Tessa (Cade’s daughter, played by Nicola Peltz) so Optimus steps up and kills some agents. Meanwhile, Cade, Tessa and Lucas are rescued by a bloke named Shane Dyson (Jack Reynor, Tessa’s boyfriend) driving a rally race car. We’ve seen it all before, this time in the trailer.

Baby you can drive my car…but not by yourself

0:42:07

Shane: I don’t know how I’m driving this good. It’s like today I’ve taken it to a whole other level.

Maybe because you don’t go to school. #well

0:42:18 Lucas confesses to turning Optimus Prime in for the $100,000 bounty, making Lucas a money-loving, disloyal narc. Predictable, yet out of character.

0:45:28 Lucas died and there was much not caring. He was turned into a metal statue – immortalized. At least he would be if any journalists decided to do a story on a car chase involving local and federal police officers while two giant robots fight on the rooftops and the entire skyline is alive with the sound of explosions. But they’re too busy covering the Kardashians, I suppose.

0:47:34 The government believe Lockdown is chasing only the Deceptions. This secret is surprisingly easy to keep. Either Americans are dumb, or this movie is.

0:50:40

Probing the depths of Texan Culture

0:54:21 Is that John Goodman as Hound, a robot that smokes cigars? WTF!?

The engine is smoking

0:58:12 Stanley Tucci as Joshua Joyce, the head of the evil corporation. Let’s hope they give him less wood than they did John Malkovich when they hung him on a cross and crucified him in the last Transformers.

0:59:42 The robots are made of a programmable metal called ‘Transformium’. I’m reminded I’m too old for this movie.

1:13:55 The Autobots infiltrate KSI (Joshua Joyce’s company) and conduct an unfriendly takeover. The government decides to riposte with the new and improved, man-made bots. WTF!? I’m impressed they have a full crew at the commands ready to operate these. I wish my job was sitting in a chair for hours on end, doing nothing at all, simply waiting for something to happen.

Wait, I’m a blogger, that is my job.

1:16:48 The government assformers (Galvatron — who is really Megatron rein-car-nated — and crew) are malfunctioning and killing innocent civilians. You can’t spell ‘governmental’ without ‘mental’.

1:20:28

#respect

1:22:37 Optimus is victim of a factory recall and Tessa is in the car that’s being pulled into the spacecraft with him.

1:27:52 Lockdown gave a ‘Seed’ (Transformer power device) to the humans in exchange for Optimus Prime. As the humans did nothing to capture Optimus — Lockdown captured him single robot-armedly — it was a good deal for us.

1:35:54 Cade rescues his daughter but she thanks Shane, who panicked and tried to surrender. I thought Shane was meant to be Irish, not French.

1:36:41

Ah nuts, it’s just shizzle.

Hound, when a captive vagina alien sprays him

Now I know how to say ‘semen’ in the universal language.

Clap Trap

1:38:26 The scene where Mark, Shane and Tessa escape the spaceship by climbing down the anchor cables is making me afraid of heights and tickling my insides.

1:43:28 So much product placement. It’s making me sick and I didn’t even drink it.

1:47:38 The Seed is a device that turns organic life into Transformer metal. #FleshLight

1:48:02 Interesting. After the first battle against Lockdown, there’ll be a second climax against Galvatron, who wants to destroy a city with his seed and use the metal to make an army and take over the world. Two climaxes are always better than one.

1:49:52 The Asian Transformer has a yellow face?

1:55:14

My brothers, today I grant you your freedom, and from now on you are commanded by me.

Galvatron

WTF!?

1:58:21

Cocked Brony

#Brony

2:05:24

I may have started the apocalypse, but you brought your family. That’s terrible parenting.

Joshua to Cade while they elude the bad robots

2:09:34 Cade, a farmer/tinkerer, not only disarms but also beats up and then kills a trained CIA operative? WTF!? This is what happens when Democrats have the White House.

2:13:19 Optimus awakens Dinobots from the beginning of the film to enlist their aid, but one of them attacks Optimus. Truthfully, I often react similarly when someone awakens me, and I haven’t been sleeping for 70 million years.

2:13:34

2:17:50 Epic battle between Autobots and the Bad Robots. I honestly don’t understand why people complain about action films with too much action.

2:21:34 The Seed activates.

Joshua: It’s a steady, blinking light which could be a timer of some kind, unless it’s signalling location.

Cade: To who?

To your grammar teacher, hopefully. #whom

2:23:28 The enemy space ship picks up a great deal of metal debris (cars and busses) to deposit in the path of our heroes who are trying to protect the Seed. The enemy is taking a literal dump and dropping it on the good guys.

The Titanic 2: The Titanic Returns

2:24:02 My question is, why would a Transformer ever want to be a vehicle? Why don’t they just remain in Autobot form? What good does being in vehicle form do for them? If you have any ideas, I’d love to hear them in the Comments.

2:26:16 The space ship was pulling up the Seed using the giant magnet and then suddenly stopped and dropped everything? WTF!? The plan was too successful?

2:30:26 CIA honcho Attinger has been trying to kill Yeager for more than half the film. Now that he can take Yeager out simply by pulling the trigger, he decides to preach to him instead. Optimus then takes the chance to kill Attinger, before Attinger can kill Yeager, who only joined the fight to protect Optimus. The WTF has gone nuclear.

Transformer’s don’t get angry, they blow a fuse

2:33:19 The family that kills Lockdown together, stays together. For a sequel.

2:34:11 Galvatron/Megatron:

We shall meet again, Prime, for I am reborn.

#BigBaby

2:36:19 A good laugh to end on.

Yeager: Will we ever see you again?

Optimus Prime: Cade Yeager, I do not know. But whenever you look to the stars, think of one of them… as my soul.

Roll credits

2:45:07 The two songs in the credits are “Battle Cry” and “All for You“, both by Imagine Dragons.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 10 Prime ones
• When to Follow: Saturday afternoon with popcorn and a lobotomy. The first one to think, loses.
• Where’s This Found: Out of a possible 10, I have 6 F’s to give

• What To Feedback: In the comment section, please be so kind as to let me know why a Transformer would ever want to be a car. Why don’t they just spend their entire time as Autobots / Decepticons?

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

On Lockdown

Vagina Alien

What do you make of this?

Plucking Cara Delevignge’s eyebrows

She’s obviously held a knob before

Extreme Alarm Clocks

Is that drool on your shirt or do you have a big crank shaft?

Looks like Roxanne is back!

“Gotta make the donuts”

Savoy knows how to stay focused

Stanley Tucci – Feely

My Grammer is a little fuzzy

Dino-sore

Picked the wrong time to hit the road

Go home dinosaur, you’re drunk – not a dragon

It’s been a business doing pleasure with you

Michael Bay isn’t the only one with his head up his arse

Prints suitable for reposting!

Cade Yeager has his priorities straight

 

What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of Transformers

WTF!? review of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

WTF!? review of Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

Al K Hall Booze Revooze of G.I. Joe: Retaliation

Fernby Films Review of Transformers: Age of Extinction

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be studying each word of The Zero Theorem, poring over each postulate and appraising every reaction to determine if its arguments are valid or if it’s all for naught. So read on only if you’ve already seen The Zero Theorem, or don’t plan to.

Watch The Zero Theorem here

[My explanations are provided in italics where necessary, and a complete analysis of the themes is found at the bottom of the review.]

No Kidding?

0:02:11 Kafka on LSD. Christoph Waltz (as Qohen Leth) answers the phone maniacally and hangs up disappointed whilst playing with test tubes of different colours and staring at an image of what looks like the universe being flushed. Oh yes, he’s also naked. And hairless. In case you needed confirmation that Terry Gilliam directed this.

0:04:16 This is the magic that Terry Gilliam brings to the cinema.

Street Seen

0:04:50

Everyone is getting rich… except you. Learn the secret to their success tonight at 8 on DumBC.

Advert on Qohen’s commute.

0:04:56 Oh, and then there’s this.

Batman will Save you!

[Easter egg: Because I always go the extra mile for you while all other critics are leading real lives, I discovered the QR code in the above poster leads to the following video.]

0:07:57 Qohen is an ‘Entity Crusher’ at a company called Mancom where he uses a joy stick to manipulate the image of a cube in a game I call “World of Work Crap”.

[Explanation: Mancom symbolises the Human Being (and is a microcosm for Humanity - of which Qohen is a reluctant member but not a team player).]

0:12:04

We fear parties. We never know quite where to stand.

Qohen to Joby, his supervisor (David Thewlis)

Joby says Qohen has to attend a party if he wants authorization from management to work from home so that he can be present to receive a Call. Qohen always refers to himself in the third person, and not because he’s a queen, I’d imagine.

[Explanation: Qohen uses the 'we' form because he's an Everyman, meant to represent all of us.]

0:13:22 At the party:

It’s is my uncle’s. He lost everything in the Sit-On-My-Facebook crash.

Joby speaking to Qohen about the house

013:57

A real Chat Room

0:15:58

We’ve been waiting for a call all our life now. And although the nature and the origin of the call remains quintessentially a mystery to us, we can’t help but hope that it will provide us with a purpose which we have long lived without.

Qohen to Matt Damon as Management

I appreciate a film which doesn’t make me work too hard for the point. A film that makes me work too hard would get Under the Skin and be my Enemy.

[Explanation: The Call he's anxious to receive is what he believes to be his Calling, i.e. his purpose for living and the meaning of life.]

0:18:12 While choking on a nut, Qohen stumbles in on Management again, who tells him he may have a project for Qohen which may prove mutually beneficial. Which means Management may represent a higher power than an earthly one. Or even the IRS.

0:22:04 Qohen is sent home to work on the Zero Theorem, which Joby tells him is an impossible task he himself worked on until he ended up “a few raisins short of a full scoop”.

That’s why Management made me a supervisor.

0:29:22

You’re a tough nut to crack, Qohen. And of course I don’t mean ‘nut’ in the pejorative sense.

Tilda Swinton as Dr. Shrink-Rom (software psychologist)

Have the blues? She can do something forum.

0:34:04 Qohen has a break down…with a hammer on his computer and then his phone.

0:34:45 The beautiful thing about Gilliam is that every set is a tapestry.

Proof that religion is for the birds

0:43:25 Mélanie Thierry plays Bainsely, who arrives with a sex suit. Bainsley’s job is to “shoot trouble”,  i.e. she’s a prostitute who doesn’t perform intercourse. Like a professional wife.

In case you’re getting the wrong idea, I should tell you that I don’t do sexual intercourse. I don’t care if a guy wraps himself up like a latex mummy, but nothing is going inside me.

[Explanation: Bainsley symbolises cyber-sex.]

0:51:12 Bob, a young lad and Management’s son (brain-child), works at Mancom for a summer job. He’s sent to Qohen’s home to repair his computer. While there, he speaks to a video camera and says he doesn’t need to be watched. We understand that all of the scenes shown through CTV lens mean that Management is watching the entire city all of the time. We don’t need to wonder too much what that’s meant to represent.

Qohen found his game boy

[Explanation: Bob represents mobile phone technology. Case in point, the thugs that bring Bob to Qohen's house? They're the restrictive contracts that strong arm users into deals. Also, he's young and small and more advanced than his environment.]

0:56:48 Al K Hall nudity alert: Mélanie Thierry in a see-through blouse.

Women are so transparent…

…and men are so predictable. #thankgod

0:59:52  In a cyber-sex fantasy, Qohen nearly dies by drowning. (In the ocean, perv.)

1:01:36 Tilda Swinton rap

1:01:31

You’re trying to prove the whole universe is all for nothing.

Bob explaining the Zero Theorem

Don’t worry. It’s nothing.

1:04:54 Qohen orders pizza as a sign that he’s opening up. It’s a slice of life.

[Explanation: Bob is like a mobile phone, letting Qohen order food from outside and meet the delivery person, thus connecting with the world.]

1:05:04

Creep-y

1:07:34 Al K Hall nudity alert: Mélanie Thierry floating around naked in cyber space near a black hole of the astrological sort.

1:09:26 Just as he’s about to insert his plug in her jack, Bainsley boots Qohen out for talk of betraying Management. I hate premature evacuation.

1:12:21 Qohen signed onto Bainsley’s site without the sex suit and found her in the middle of a traditional strip tease chat room. He was disappointed and she was sad, but a real man wouldn’t have let that bring him down.

Cos Play With Yourself

1:15:28 Lucas Hedges, the young lad playing Bob, is a gifted young actor. A pleasure to watch, and I don’t just mean visually.

1:18:22 Bainsley arrives in person, stripped of her makeup and her porn airs and begs Qohen to connect with her on a real level. And not just with his hands.

1:18:52 He washes his hands of her. And not just her smell.

1:20:00 Perhaps the most romantic scene I’ve seen this year (after the one I posted from Under the Skin).

1:22:08

After he came, he went

1:23:06 Bob helps Qohen go outside for the first time in years, so he can stay connected.

No Future

1:27:04 Qohen destroys all of the video surveillance cameras in his place because Bob is sick (and not in the ‘fun, 3-tubs-of-butter-and-a-goat’ way.)

1:32:36 Using the computer sex suit, Qohen inserts himself into the Zero Theorem machinery.

[Explanation:  Management's massive "neural network" represents the Human Brain.]

1:33:22 This is what the film is about.

Qohen (Christoph Waltz): So there is no answer?

Management (Matt Damon): That depends on the question.

Qohen: What I’m living for.

Management: That’s a good question, Mr Leth, posed to the entirely wrong person. You seem to have mistaken me for a considerably higher power. I’m not the source of your call. I’m not God out the Devil. I’m just a man, seeking the truth.

Qohen: What truth if…

Management: Turn around and look. That’s it. Chaos encapsulated. That’s all there is at the end, just as it was at the beginning.

Qohen: There it is, then. You’ve proved the Zero Theorem.

Management: Not quite. Mankind is still, as you say, crunching the data.

God, when he bends over

Qohen: Why would you want to prove that all is for nothing?

Management: I never said all is for nothing. I’m a businessman, Mr Leth, nothing is for nothing. Ex inordinatio veni pecunia.

Qohen: What?

Management: ‘There’s money in ordering disorder.’ Chaos pays, Mr Leth. Chaos comprises a rich vein of ore, that with Mancom’s muscle will be all mine to mine. The saddest aspect of mankind’s need to believe in a God or, to put it another way, a purpose greater than this life, is that it makes this life meaningless.

You see, this is all just some way station on the way to eternity. The reason I chose you –  I mean, rather perversely, I admit – is that you represent the antithesis of the project: a man of faith. You see, you’ve persisted in believing that a phone call could give your life meaning. You’ve waited and waited for that call and, as a result, you’ve lead a meaningless life.

If you don’t get that, well, you can always get back on your knees and continue praying for a reboot of the Twilight franchise.

1:36:09 The mainframe crashes. Literally. Like, into pieces.

1:38:01 When the central server breaks down like a brain, a black hole of photographs and memories forms, and Qohen leaps inside of it.

[Qohen has had a mental breakdown. The entire world he inhabited was, in fact, himself. When the “neural net” crashed, it meant his mind snapped.  

1:40:26 Qohen finishes alone and naked on the beach. He’s insanely happy — mostly ‘insanely’.

The cracks of dawn

Roll credits

The song playing in the credits (and the main musical theme of the film) is Radiohead’s “Creep”, as performed by Karen Souza.

1:41:08 During the credits, we hear Bainsley’s voice as she finds him lost in his thoughts. Like Brazil.

1:46:37 Film leaves us with this.

Omniscience

The Zero Theorem is the story of a dystopian future in the computer age. Qohen (Christoph Waltz) is an Everyman (he even refers to himself as ‘we’) who works as an ‘Entity Crusher’ in a computer company (Mancom, representing the Human Being as a microcosm of the Human Race). He would prefer to work at home, especially as he’s 1) socially inept and 2) waiting for his calling: he believes that he will receive a ‘Call’ which will give him the meaning of life and purpose to his existence.

Qohen confuses Upper Management (Matt Damon) with a Higher Power. Management then tells Qohen he will receive his Call if he can validate the Zero Theorem: the concept that our existence is worthless. (Notice the irony that Management promises to give Qohen the meaning of life if he can prove life is meaningless?) Along the way, he dabbles in cybersex with Bainsley (Mélanie Thierry) and befriends a young man (Lucas Hedges as Bob) symbolising smart phones and modern technology.

At the end, the Neural Net (master computer) crashes, and we learn that the universe Qohen lived in was really a metaphor for himself. He has had a breakdown and lives happily ever after in his madness, while the Neural Net (symbolising the Internet and technology in general) repairs itself and goes on without him.

With the mic inserted, Qohen is ready to perform one of Beethoven’s other movements

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: Zero
• When to Follow: When you’re fed up of your existence and want to watch a film that will let you escape reality, if only for 1 hour, 46 minutes and 37 seconds.
• Where’s This Found: I loved this film because I was able to understand it. Out of a possible 10, I have 9 F’s to give

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

“Hold still, I can’t get the right angle.”

Knows how to turn a machine on

Pregnant paws…

Is that a bra on your head or are you just a boob?

Sofa, so good

Still doesn’t understand hand job

How many nipples are you holding up, Mélanie?

“Mr. Leth, you’re putting me between this rock and your hard place.”

Qohen and a blanket statement

Insert hard disc into floppy drive…

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF!? analysis of another film that makes you go Hmmm

WTF!? review of a mental masturbation

Bar None 0-5 Shot Booze Revooze of The Grand Budapest Hotel

Fernby Films review of a Gilliam-esque offering

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be analysing each act of Behaving Badly, questioning its origins and deciphering its motivations to determine if it’s balanced or it has developmental issues. So read on only if you’ve already seen Behaving Badly, or don’t plan to.

Watch Behaving Badly here

“‘Like a gigantic anal toy, I can’t take all of this movie in one sitting.’ Ha ha ha, oh that Saint Pauly!”

0:01:14 What do you do when the beginning of your film is extremely boring? Cheat and start with the ending.

0:01:44 His alcoholic mother (Mary-Louise Parker) tries to kill herself and writes a suicide note to the dog. No doubt the first of many dogs in and around this film.

0:02:22 This film is clearly the most recent remake of American X Pie Hangover Project (which all had their origins in Animal House, if you must know), yet I was pleasantly surprised to find this line.

We better hurry, in case she’s an organ donor.

Young EMT to the kid (Nat Wolff as Rick Stevens) while wheeling his mother away

0:03:34 Selena Gomez’s first appearance goes something like this:

At least someone is blown away

0:04:12 The boring beginning they skipped earlier may now commence in earnest.

0:07:17 Al K Hall nudity alert: Rick goes to the strip club where his sister (Ashley Rickards as Kristen Stevens) works, because he does odd jobs there. The bewbs in this scene are fake and round and look more like protective headgear for construction workers than female anatomy.

Dylan McDermott is Jimmy Leach, the boss!? Wow, that money from American Horror Story went quickly.

“Come over, I’m cooking meth for dinner.”

0:08:04 Al K Hall nudity alert: One of the jobs that’s not so odd is Rick has to go to a stripper’s house to tell her to go to work. She offers him a blow job if he tells Jimmy she had her stomach pumped. The director decides to replay the scene where she takes off her top in a loop. This fairly well eliminates any demographic except for 18 and 19-year-old American boys who like their comedy like their boobs: bogus and ridiculous.

0:08:41 WTF!? Elisabeth Shue as Pamela Bender, his best friend’s mum? When did B-list celebrities forget how to read things like scripts?

0:09:49 Rick walks in on his friend (Lachlan Buchanan as Billy Bender) threading the snake.

See Men coming

0:12:37 Pamela is coming onto Rick, her son’s best friend. Elisabeth Shue has lost plausible deniability. #NoExcuse

0:14:27 Rick’s fantasy of Selena Gomez finding out he slept with the neighbour lady.

We should watch her language

0:15:32 WTF!? Kid bets $1000 he can bed the orthodox Christian Nina (Selena Gomez) because for no reason. I bet $1000 I won’t let this slide.

0:16:12 A plug for my site when Saint Lola (a hallucination of his mother as a guardian whore who will help him win his bet of bedding a virgin he doesn’t respect as much as he claims). I could forgive all of this — and more — if it were only a little bit funny.

0:17:26

Kevin Carpenter – the biggest fucking asshole in the world.

Rick speaking about Nina’s boyfriend

What, did Kevin bet he could pick an innocent girl’s cherry?

0:22:38 No! Jason Lee as a priest!? This film isn’t a comedy, it’s a mystery. It’s a mystery how they got good actors to do it.

0:24:58 In order to receive backstage passes for a Josh Groban concert from Jimmy the strip club manager, Rick has to buy some ecstasy from a dealer who’s having a buy-20-get-5-free sale. The non-jokes are funnier than the official jokes.

0:26:07 Pamilf tells the high schooler he can borrow her car but he has to give her cunnilingus first. I hope this was funnier at one point during the writing.

Elisabeth Shuen’t have agreed to do this film

0:31:04

Look at Ricardo, the vomiting cobra.

After delivering the drugs, Jimmy now wants the boy to look at his penis in order to receive the backstage passes. It’s got to be easier than looking at this film.

0:31:36 WTF!? The boys happen to find their fathers both involved in a 3-way together and take pictures to blackmail them. Then the boys forget to run away. Like the actors in this movie.

0:34:26 Nina, the girl who wants to be a priest, says she had fun seeing the fathers’ 3-way instead of seeing her idol, as promised. Like a gigantic anal toy, I can’t take all of this in one sitting.

Forgot to wear her nappies

0:36:06

Arriving at rehab sober is like showing up at a tennis lesson without a racket.

And you complain about my jokes…

0:41:18 The school headmaster leaves the Billy and Rick alone in his office so he can have sex with his secretary. WTF!? While he’s away, Rick finds an envelope of photographs of the girls’ locker room because nothing is funnier than an adult in authority taking pictures of under age girls. Oh, the comedy!

0:41:34 WTF!? The headmaster returns in less than 30 seconds. It’s impossible to be that premature.

“Let this film be a lesson to you.”

0:42:42

Billy: At least you got that smoking hot picture of Nina. [Rick kept the head master's locker room photos.] I haven’t even seen it yet and I’ve already popped a chub.

Kid: I’m gonna burn it when I get home.

Friend: Burn it? Why?

Kid: It doesn’t feel right being able to see her when she doesn’t even know.

But it feels right wagering on her chastity? WTF!?

0:45:51

Kristen: Get a hard on, break your dick in half, and fuck yourself.

Best insult I’ve heard in a long while. #CreditIsDue

New career: Pole Stander

0:46:21 The garage gives Rick an Aston Martin, because why would this film start making sense now? How to add an ‘s’ to ‘Aston’.

0:47:51 Oh sweet baby Jesus, it’s Gary Busey. Maybe casting was able to get Selena Gomez, Mary Louise Parker, Jason Lee, Elisabeth Shue and Dylan McDermott by telling them Gary was attached to this project. With chains.

Gary plays a police chief who’s arrested Rick for driving the Aston Martin which had the body of a Mafia informant in the boot. The rest of the cast is jealous of that actor because he found a way out of the film.

0:48:52 Heather Graham as Annette Stratton-Osborne, a defence attorney for the kid!? She must’ve heard Gary Busey was in this, too.

Want a sausage to go with that roll?

0:50:51 Attorney  (Heather Graham) gets Rick off. From his charges.

0:51:35 Annette takes one of the ecstasy pills and grabs her milk sacks and says, “I love it.” WTF!? There are two of them.

“I love THEM.”

0:52:18 Annette hits on Rick and asks him in, but he refuses to be unfaithful to Nina. WTF!? This didn’t stop him from sexing with Elizabeth Shue.

0:55:38 Oh my god what I put myself through for you. In a Risky Business remake, Rick decides to open a strip club in his house because his sister the stripper is socializing with her stripper friends in the living room, and they’re in their work clothes. Of course, Billy invites his mother (WTF!?), who takes two ecstasy pills and chases Rick around the house to rape him. No one but me watches this.

0:56:24

0:56:42 Now Mrs Bender is coming on to her own son by licking his face. The film has simply given up.

0:57:38 Al K Hall nudity alert: Topless stripper on a pole that magically appeared in the middle of the living room. Judging from the strippers, I’d say it’s the only pole that will be erected in the room. Then there’s the sight of a young man’s bare and hairy ass after he loses a hand of strip poker. No aces in that hole.

For anyone interested, the song is “Werk Me” by Hyper Crush.

0:57:58

Come again, just not on the furniture.

#credit

1:01:48 Nina the Virgin who wants to become a priest thinks the stripper party is ‘kind of fun’. WTF!? Then she and Rick have a heart to heart where he gives her a meteor fragment and says it’s like her own personal star that she can wish on whenever she likes and she talks about her dead sister. That they have this exchange makes it OK that he bet a thousand dollars on her cherry.

Kissing? Or zombies?

1:03:28 Mrs Bender barges in on Rick and Nina just add they’re about to kiss, soon to be followed by the Mafia kingpin. I suppose it’s meant to be kooky, but it’s all fun and games until someone appears in this film.

1:06:01 Nina learns of Rick’s bet to ‘plough’ her, but when she moves to strike him with her handbag, she accidentally connects with a police officer, who arrests her. Rick’s massive party and impromptu strip club, on the other hand, pose no problem to anyone. Well, not to the police, anyway. I, on however, am having a great deal of difficulty ingesting all of the WTF!?

1:07:56 In another, totally random moment, the school headmaster (Patrick Warburton as Principal Basil Poole) is in the local jail over the cameras in the girls’ locker room. Rick’s principal, boss, sister, enemy, girlfriend, sex buddy and best friend were all arrested at the party, but not Rick? WTF!?

1:08:07

Come on, Peewee.

Guard to Justin Bieber’s cameo

The film gets one thing right

1:10:13

Rick: Have you gotten in touch with your parents yet?

Nina: They’re in Dallas for the pro-life gun expo.

#credit

1:11:32 Alison Moyet – Only You

1:14:34

Rick :What am I supposed to do? How can I set things right?

Saint Lola (his guardian angel): Stop thinking with your little head. You were given two.

She gives him crab medicine and this sentence to put his life back on track. He should have it tattooed on his penis so he never forgets it; he seems like the type that would look there often.

1:16:04 Father Krumin (Jason Lee) was also having sex with Pamela Bender, so he wants Rick excommunicated for giving him crabs. If only clichés were funny, this film would be a comedy classic.

The funeral for their careers

1:18:18 Rick breaks up with Mrs Pamela Bender and I can’t stop looking at how much time is still left in this bastard.

1:19:52 In the hospital room, a Jamaican nurse tells Rick his mother is dead and in the furnace (WTF!?), yet we know as soon as he sits down that behind the curtain is another bed where his mother lies listening to his love speech. We also wonder why the nurse didn’t first ascertain whose son he was or why his mother waited until now to say something. Then, we wonder why we’re still watching this film.

1:22:54 The Mafioso’s son, after winning the bet, decides not to maim Rick because “anyone who can make my old man sweat is all right by me.” I could. I can make almost anyone sweat.

“Let’s play ‘Baker’. I’ll be the dough, and you need me.”

1:24:21

Rick: At least I still have my pinkies.

Annette: Pinkies are overrated. Unless they’re in the stink.

Selena is blowing you off and not in the fun way

1:25:52 WTF!? Rick has a letter proving Father Krumins is the head of the Lithuanian Mafia…and I didn’t even know we were looking for one. Then, when he simply hands it over to Annette without asking for anything in return, we wonder why this scene exists. Like the rest of this film.

1:26:12 Rick gets his sister accepted into Princeton because the overage stripper had already been accepted but her arrest threw a spanner in the works. Rick convinced his new boss, Annette, to do it out of the generosity of her big, legal heart.

1:27:19 He solves all of the cast’s problems in a minute and three seconds. The only remaining problem is: all of this movie.

1:28:02

You’re a complete idiot, but I like you.

Nina to Rick

A girl loves nothing more than a man who wagers on stealing her virginity. Wait, who’s the idiot?

1:31:02 Oh god, make it end! Billy becomes a stripper because he wants to display all the WTF. His mother is in the club, so he gets an erection and vacates the stage. In the dressing room, his personal Saint appears and…it’s his mother.

Roll credits

1:32:28 The blooper reel begins. ‘Blooper reel’ here means Gary Busey not being able to pronounce ‘Bartuska’. That’s it. One scene. Maybe they kept the first take of every other scene. That would explain a lot.

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 25 naughty ones
• When to Follow: If you insist on watching films with the sound on, never ever watch this one. It’s not about behaving badly, it’s about acting badly.
• Where’s This Found: Out of a possible 10, I have 2 F’s to give

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

The Kiss Off

Mother I’d Lesbian Flout

This film is so bad it’s criminal

Worst cheater in the school’s history

Her neckline is deeper than her thoughts

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF review of another Selena Gomez effort

Bar None 0-5 Shot Booze Revooze of Spring Breakers

Fernby Films review of another sophomoric film

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be interrogating Insidious: Chapter 2 in incredible minutia, inspecting it intimately, and investigating its inception to interpret if it’s inspirational or insipid. So read on only if you’ve already seen Insidious: Chapter 2, or don’t plan to.

Watch Insidious: Chapter 2 here

“The fish keep dying because you’re not putting any water in the bowl.”

For those of you who missed the first one: a 10-year-old lad could astral travel in his sleep, but when he did, he abandoned his body and an evil spirit wanted to take the body for himself. A medium came and told the boy’s father the same thing happened to him as a child, only it was an old woman ghost chasing him. At the time, she made him forget the ghost and the astral travel; but to save his son, the medium hypnotized the now-grown father so he could go to the dark side and rescue his son. While there, however, the old woman’s spirit possessed the father’s body and when it came back to this world, it killed the medium.

Young Josh gets a hand from the Spirit World

0:01:46 Lambert residence 1986: The film begins with a flashback, when the mother from Insidious was so attractive she wasn’t even the same actress (Jocelin Donahue instead of Barbara Hershey as Lorraine Lambert).

0:02:05 Wow. Evidently the film is set in a time before good acting. They’re so wooden, they make Pinocchio look flaccid.

0:04:50 The medium (Lindsay Seim as the young Elise Rainier — interestingly enough, I think the original actress, Lin Shaye, is dubbing the voice), hypnotises young Josh by showing him the intro to this film. #kidding

0:09:13 Elise the Medium explains the whole concept of the film to the mother, about how young Josh can travel at night and see things he’s not supposed to. Now a parasite ghost has seen him and followed him back to his body like a sick puppy that refuses to stop psychically humping his leg. #AuralSex

“Looks like I’m not the only one in the dark.”

0:10:14 Elise says she will erase Josh’s memory of these events so that he will forget how to astral travel. I use gin for this purpose.

0:13:27 The film flashes forward to moments after the end of Insidious, with Renai Lambert (Rose Byrne) telling a police officer someone in her haunted house killed Elise. He doesn’t believe her, so she punishes him by repeating the back story.

0:15:05 When her husband, Josh (Patrick Wilson), enters the scene later, he acts as though he’s returned to his normal self. But make no mistake, he is still an evil transvestite who’s just strangled a psychic. [Note: Because the old woman ghost from Insidious is a cross-dresser. #Seriously]

0:16:37 Josh and Renai go to his mother’s house, where Lorraine (the Barbara Hershey version) is babysitting the boys. The police apparently don’t have enough evidence to prosecute Josh, but the ghosts have enough to persecute him.

0:18:11 In a random moment of WTF!?, the younger lad chooses this moment to show his brother a can & string telephone that will be useful when those in The Further want to talk to them without the roaming charges.

“No, I will NOT accept the charges from the Spirit Realm.”

0:22:18

We have our son, isn’t that what we should be focusing on?

No, you should be focusing on not killing him and the rest of your family, possessed dad.

0:23:52 Elise’s Laurel and Hardy assistants (Leigh Whannell as Specs and Angus Sampson as Tucker) go to Elise’s house because someone thinks this film needs to be longer. To decide who investigates, they play ‘Hunter, Ninja, Bear’. The game resembles ‘Paper, Rock, Scissors’, where Bears beat Ninjas, Ninjas beat Hunters, and Hunters beat Bears.

0:27:11 Back at Lorraine’s house, she talks to her grandson who’s in bed…

Dalton: Grandma?

Lorraine: Hmm?

Dalton: There’s someone standing behind you.

She walks around the house turning on eerie lights rather than running out of the house screaming little girl screams. Like I would.

0:35:19 The ghosts in the house start playing with children’s toys. They just might be as bored as we are.

0:37:14

Pick up your toys!

0:38:12

Tucker: Elise said you were the second best person she ever worked with.

Carl [Steve Coulter]: “Second best”, that’s generous.

Not as generous as ‘First best’.

0:39:10 Carl uses Boggle to communicate with the ghosts. Because ghosts are crap at Scrabble.

0:42:46 Josh finds Renai unconscious on the living room floor and begins sniffing her. Either he’s possessed or he’s a dog.

“You’re a door-able.”

0:43:22 Elise has led Lorraine, Specs & Tucker, and Carl the Medium to an abandoned hospital where Lorraine used to work. Furniture and medical equipment were left in random places around the corridor by whomever was last to leave. There’s also a working child’s doll that says ‘Mamma’ when you step on it, although this may be a sort of ghost doorbell to let evil know you’ve arrived.

0:45:19 In a room full of ghosts, Barbara flashes back to when she was a doctor at the hospital and not yet a good actress. She took her son, little Josh, with her on rounds and ignored him after telling him to be careful. This is why an old dying man leaps from his bed and tries to kill Josh for pressing the buttons on his life support.

Hershey’s Kiss off

0:46:11 The old geezer [Tom Fitzpatrick as Old Parker] dies and takes the lift with young Lorraine. I’d imagine if your spirit takes the elevator after death, heaven is not your ultimate destination.

[Note: The old man is a serial killer, and we shall soon see his victims stored in a room in his house. He became a serial killer because his mother dressed him as a girl when he was a child. #drag He kills himself after seeing young Josh in the hospital, because he feels Josh's young body is ripe for  possession.]

0:47:20 Back to real time, Lorraine tells Specs & Tucker that the old man was in ICU for trying to castrate himself, but she doesn’t say why. Maybe he wanted to pull a Van Gouge.

Team “Spirit”

0:47:33

Ghost mum: Your dead soul is killing its living skin.

Possessed Josh: I want to live. I want to live.

Ghost mum: Only if you kill them.

Possessed Josh: I can’t, mother. Please, don’t make me do it.

Ghost mum: You must, or you’ll waste away.

Exposition like is what changes a Horror film into a Horrible film.

“No, we cannot play “Psycho” again.”

0:48:44 WTF!? The closed hospital left all its patient records behind for anybody to take? I’m starting to see what was insane about this asylum.

0:49:07 Renai regains consciousness with a bang. The loud noises are helping me stay awake as well. Renai asks Josh where the baby is, but not why didn’t he take her to the hospital if she was unconscious for several hours. Or why did he leave her in a pile on the sofa like a sack of charity clothes.

0:50:17

All you have to do is ignore them and they will go away.

Josh tells Renai the ghosts are like other people’s kids.

“Yes, I am getting warmer…”

0:52:36 Lorraine, Mickey & Mini, and Carl the Medium break into old dickless’s abandoned house. What always amazes me in the film world is how much furniture, fixtures and material people just leave behind when they abandon a place.

“What about Uncle Dick’s antique end table and Tiffany lamp, should we take them?” “Nah, leave them in case a movie is made here in a few decades.”

[Note: This house belonged to the serial killer and his mother.]

0:54:30 They enter a child’s fully equipped bedroom and Specs says it can’t possibly be the old man’s childhood room because it’s too girly. He forgets the old man tried to make himself rid-dick.

0:55:53

You can’t be in here. If she sees you, she’ll make me kill you.

Little girl we’ll soon find out is a little boy dressed as a girl

If a ghost tells you this, take the hint.

The woman you saw leaving your dad’s bedroom

1:01:43

Carl the Medium: Who are you? [Then, reading his letter dice,] ‘Mother of Death’.

Tweedle Dumber (Tucker): What does that mean?

It means I hope you die next, so we have a little less stupid in the world.

1:03:31 Whoa, behind a bookshelf they find a secret room full of seated dead corpses covered with bloody sheets. Like a mosque where the women were bored to death. In this room is a chest with newspaper articles about a ‘Bride in Black’. This is the ghost that possessed Josh at the end of the first film, and the one responsible for murdering all the women under the sheets. Except it isn’t a woman at all, but old man Parker cross dressing. Like Master Bates, in Psycho.

“Ha ha! I told you the Old Woman Ghost is a cross dresser!”

1:14:39 Josh tries to stab Carl but when Specs & Tucker interrupt him and Josh subdues all of them, he decides he doesn’t want to kill anyone any more. One of those cases of, I’ll only try to kill you when I can’t kill you.

1:15:28 Wait, Carl is in The Further with Josh and Josh tells Carl that he’s dead. Hard news to wake up to.

1:17:09

1:21:40 Old Josh is going to go ask young Josh how to get to the Bride in Black’s house so he can send her to hell. This will also explain how old Josh can be in the video of young Josh’s hypnotism. But doesn’t explain why I should care.

1:23:47 WTF!? Lorraine and Renai think it’s safe to go back Josh and Renai’s house, when in fact possessed Josh has taken it over like a vacant soul squatter.

1:25:41 Lol, the boys get dropped off by some stranger who leaves then at the kerb of a dark house without verifying if anyone is home. The lads will be scared for life seeing their dad beating their mum with kitchen utensils. Then scarred for life.

1:26:44 The boys surreptitiously sneak into their own house, cloaked by all the WTF!? and watch their dad threaten their mum before slinking away to find a baseball bat and furtively beat their father with it.

He’s feeling a little horse

1:27:13 They run into the basement, the same place real Josh occupies in The Further. They’ll meet for a quick coffin break.

1:29:18 Oh dear god, the scene where Mrs Parker [Danielle Bisutti] punishes the cross-dressing child for signing a drawing with a boy’s name is so far over the top I have a nose bleed.

1:31:05 WTF!? To fetch his father in The Further, Dalton falls asleep sitting up on the basement floor in a house full of ghosts with his father pounding on the door with a fire extinguisher, trying to kill him and his mother. It’s apparently much easier to put children to bed than I’ve been led to believe.

1:35:13 Elise is beating Mrs Parker with a hobby horse in The Further, and it’s having an effect on Josh in the real world — even though Josh is possessed by the son and not the mother? WTF!?

Marlboro Boy’s bedroom

1:35:53 Carl isn’t dead, which means no one has died in this film and explains why I’m so sleepy.

1:37:04 Once Dalton finds his father in The Further, he uses the can-phone to talk to his mother in the cellar. The scene is so ridiculous I lol.

1:39:19 Carl the Medium helps Dalton and Josh forget their experiences. I’d like him to do the same for me and this film, please.

1:40:14 Kermit and Piggy (Specs and Tucker) go to the house of young lady in a wheelchair, accompanied by the ghost of Elise to set up a sequel.

Roll credits

A van for when the spirit moves

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 14 ignominious ones
• When to Follow: You might watch it if you wanted to numb yourself a little before seeing the third instalment, but I’d recommend reading this blog instead.
• Where’s This Found: Out of a possible 10, I have 4 F’s to give

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

“Looks like it’s curtains for me.”

Disapopinted that “The Turn of the Screw” isn’t erotica

The moment Billy decided to stop drinking in bed

“Because if I let go, you’ll float away.”

“Wake up! Wake up! What happened to your walls?”

Video clip of my birth

Josh bought his son pyjamas that matched the wallpaper, and hasn’t seen the boy since

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of the first Insidious

0-5 shot Booze Revooze of Horns

Fernby Films review of a far better film