Spoiler Alert:

I shall be exploring Poseidon Rex in minute detail, unearthing its foundations and digging its sights to determine if the film is in ruins or a buried treasure. So read on only if you’ve already seen Poseidon Rex, or don’t plan to.

[A special shout-out to my talented friend Sir Rodney over at Fernby Films, who was gracious enough to bring this film to my attention. If you're in the mood for a well-written review, he's better at this than I!]

Likes the chewy bits, but the tanks give him gas

0:03:04 Four divers place C4 charges on the ocean floor to mine for gold. Because I know you’re watching this for the plot.

0:03:28 Fortunately, the Posiedon Rex rears its toothy head early on. This isn’t the sort of film where I want to wait for things to happen.

0:03:49 Battle with bad Jamaican actor who can’t even act high.

My apologies. I should not have said those things about the actor: he’s not Jamaican, he’s Belizean.

0:06:33 A bikini blonde who swims so often she had flotation devices inserted in her chest plays Scientist Barbie on the beach.

“Hmmm, interesting…my chest size matches my IQ.”

0:07:57 Hot black guy with an island accent, mon. This film just got that much better.

0:09:02 A couple of Americans arrive to go snorkelling with the hot local chap. When the woman learns they’ll be snorkelling at the Blue Hole, she becomes reticent. It’s as though she’s had experience with a blue hole before, and had to cure it.

0:09:28

Girl holiday goer: What is the Blue Hole?

Hot Henry: It’s a huge sink hole about 3 by 5 feet across and 6 down!

Boy holiday goer: Wow!

WTF!? Does no one in this film know how numbers work?

Hairless Belafonte

0:11:26 While snorkelling 1 hour off the coast, in 10 feet of water (WTF!? or 3.3 meters in the metric system, or 3 miles in the Poseidon Rex mental system), the holiday makers find the only surviving corpse of the original divers.

0:13:02 WTF!? The diver is still alive!? He was floating face down in the water!

0:16:12 During a flashback, local island kingpin Tariq tortures Jacks (the diver), who tells Tariq a stash of ancient Mayan gold coins is at the bottom of the Blue Hole. The torture is intense…straight out of Reservoir Puppies.

0:19:40 Here’s the cast off characters

Jacks (Agent of Misfortune played by Brian Krause–AKA ‘Leo’ of Charmed)
Sarah (big buoy chest–Anne McDaniels)
Henry (Belizean beef cake–Berne Velasquez)
Jane (Whiny American tourist–Candice Nunes)
Rod (Goofy but fit American boyfriend–Steven Helmkamp)

The ragtag group agree to work together to find the gold. Reminds me of Scooby Don’t.

“Did you hear about the blonde diver? This joke was over her head.”

0:21:16 Jane has a snit and puts her bare foot down, saying if Rod goes on the gold excursion, she’s going to be “really upset”. She stays on the shore in a huff. This is the most realistic scene in the film thus far.

0:23:02 Sometimes a video is worth a thousand jokes.

0:23:12 WTF!? The gold diggers didn’t see a giant underwater sea dinosaur eat a water craft and its 2-member crew right in front of them? It was as plain as the T-Rex nose in their face!

0:28:03 Jane gets hit on by two rapey looking lads. Getting attacked is one way to teach Rod a lesson. Passive agressed.

0:30:51 Back on the open sea, Rod backs down and out to stay on the boat while Sarah, Jacks and Henry dive into the Blue Hole. For the second time, the sonar doesn’t function properly because of Posiedon Rex. Apparently his presence creates too much WTF!?

0:31:29 Dinosaur footprints underwater! Because the dinosaur doesn’t swim in the bottom of the sea, he walks along it!

0:31:36 There are 20 eggs and only one dinosaur? Imagine that if every time you had sex with yourself, you reproduced. My god, the world would be so overpopulated it wouldn’t be able to hover in space any longer.

“Hmm, my boobs are bigger than this dinosaur egg, yet they feel the same.”

0:31:51 Our crew are taking dinosaur eggs, which are practically the size of normal eggs, and ignoring all the gold simply lying about the ocean floor.

0:32:17 Lol, a severed arm floats in front of the woman and she screams like a pubescent boy in a delivery room, all of this underwater with her mouthpiece in.

0:34:24 The ultrasound of a baby dinosaur in an egg.

Ultrasounds Good To Me

0:37:22 The harrowing birth of a dinosaur scene.

0:39:07 Here’s you, when you jump in the ocean to save a drunk girl who fell off the boat during an earthquake on the ocean.

0:43:24 Jane (tourist lass) dies in the water after the dinosaur attack. It’s a horrible death, what with her eyes continuing to blink while she lies there dead and all.

0:46:03

Sarah: There’s something coming up beneath us. Something really really big.

Jacks: It’s coming in fast.

Sarah: It’s almost here.

Jacks: Where is it now?

Sarah: IT’S UNDERNEATH US!

Sarah looking at the sonar, which can only scan directly beneath the boat.

0:46:16 A ridiculous attack where Posiedon Rex decides to stay on top of the water and let everyone shoot him. WTF!? This might be why the dinosaurs really went extinct.

“Jurassic Park? Take a left at Skull Island and then straight for 20,000 leagues.”

0:47:17 Henry (studly native) was on a nearby boat and unnarmed, for absolutely no reason. Posiedon Rex ate him as boringly as possible to punish him for this. Even I could have done it with more flair.

0:48:03 LOL & WTF!? Jacks shoots the beast with a harpoon and everyone congratulates him, until they realize the harpoon is attached to a rope which is attached to the boat.

0:50:03 The Belize Sea Police (who wear urban camouflage uniforms–WTF!?) decide to drop off Rod, Sarah and Jacks before going back out and being eaten. They don’t realise what I have known all along: the dinosaur won’t eat the trio because their taste is obviously bad if they signed on for this film.

0:52:04 Once Posiedon Rex makes land, Jacks distracts him for no reason. The animal is too busy eating the locals to notice the truck Sarah and Rod stole to reach the military base on the other side of the island. I imagine Brian Krause (Jacks) is missing the quality special effects he had in Charmed.

“Dino! My old old old old old old old old friend. I haven’t seen Jur-ass in ages!”

1:00:07 WTF!? They’re going to bed in the middle of the afternoon? What is it, nap time?

1:00:51 Jacks and Sarah strike up a romance. They may have to change Jacks’ surname to ‘Off’.

1:05:27 Sarah knows Morse code (WTF!?) and the army (who obviously keep a telegraph on and manned 24 hours a day) tell her they’re going to destroy the island she’s on in 20 minutes. She’d better find a way to get off, and not like she did last night.

1:08:35 I don’t see why Jacks has to fly a plane off the island when they other two are taking a boat. WTF!?

T-Wrecks

1:09:41 How is it that Jacks, Sarah and Rod drive a Jeep for an hour to get from the port to the base, yet it takes them less than 10 minutes to get back there on foot?

1:11:43 In a scene reminiscent of Benny Hill, Rod tries to shoot the dino with a rocket launcher but he misses and falls off the boat and into the sea where Posiedon Rex eats him.

1:13:08 OMG! What a climax! Sarah gives him head!

1:14:55 An egg hatches and a baby dinosaur swims out. Like an egg, the film is over easy.

Tally Ho’

WTF!?’s: 21 vicious ones
When to Follow: When you have 1 hour and 16 minutes (yes, that’s the running time, WTF!?) in front of you and you need a laugh. This one, fortunately, is so bad it’s funny.

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator