Spoiler Alert:

I shall be telling the tale of Big Bad Wolves by examining the path it takes, the shortcuts it makes and the traps it escapes to see if it blows the house down, or just simply blows. So read on only if you’ve already seen Big Bad Wolves, or don’t plan to.

“Open wide and say, ‘AAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH’!”

0:03:19 Two young lasses play hide and seek in silent slow motion with a young lad who has a uni-brow at 10. The blonde girl is kidnapped off-camera but leaves one of her red shoes behind. The kidnapper will get off on the right foot.

0:04:48 Four plain clothes detectives drag a bespectacled chap with glasses and a sweater into an abandoned building for a little T&A: Torture and Asking. BTW, the film is made in Hebrew, so be sure your version comes with subtitles.

“I told you! You need a coffee table to tie this room together.”

0:07:29 For someone who’s been beaten on by Israeli police for a certain length of time, the suspect seems pretty healthy and unruffled. They must be using krav manga instead of krav maga.

0:08:51 According to their chief’s orders, the detectives drive the pervy looking chap back to his home and give him all the money they have in their pockets by way of an apology. It’s a tough job but the tips are good.

0:13:10 The girl is found, tied to a chair with metal wires cutting into her skin, her knickers at her knees and no head. I’ll let you know if I think of a joke for this later.

Cancer Funny

0:15:08 Bad cop realizes a torture video of him on YouTube has gone viral. If I’d known this was all it took to boost my YouTube channel, I’d have beaten up a perv ages ago. One of the detective’s colleagues says he can erase all traces of it from the Internet. I have no joke funnier than this.

0:17:48 The pervy looking bloke (Rotem Keinan as ‘Dror’) is a school teacher and his students write phrases like “Pedophile son of a bitch! Rapist!” on their exam papers. I wonder what the question was.

1. Illustrate the concept of Supply & Demand

0:19:38 The head master of the school suspends the teacher temporarily. The teacher no doubt prefers this to detention.

0:22:00 Bad cop (Lior Ashkenazi as ‘Micki’) is following the perv, and the dead girl’s father is following the cop. If you follow me.

0:26:34 The girl’s father (Tzahi Grad as ‘Gidi’) buys an isolated torture house in the middle of nowhere and checks the cellar is scream proof by telling the estate agent his son plays the drums. Good tip for those looking to buy a torture home.

0:29:04 Perv is watching a group of very young girls in ballet class. I’m as uncomfortable as Gandhi at a boxing match.

Elliot wanted to join, but was afraid he wouldn’t fit in

0:32:06 The detective is suspended because the video went viral, but his chief implies that civilians are free to do want they what to prove someone’s guilt, as long as they don’t get caught. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t everyone free to do anything as long as they don’t get caught?

0:33:08 One of the ballerinas may be the perv’s daughter. He’s bringing her a birthday cake, after his ex-wife hung up on him while he was talking to her about their daughter’s birthday. This film plays mind games and I feel like a loser.

0:34:22 Lol, the detective and the father want to kidnap the perv at the exact same moment, but he gets away while the cop is shocking the dog.

0:36:32 WTF!? The cop catches the perv when he gets stuck trying to slip between a parked truck and a wall. Apparently the suspect has not heard of the direction ‘under’.

0:40:38 The cop makes the perv dig his own grave, which he does rather quickly, especially when considering it’s done in rocky soil. #Lifehack: if you ever need some digging done, look for a perv. Then the cop uses Russian roulette as a torture, asking where the heads (plural!) are hidden. 2 heads are better than one. Unless, you’re a cop.

0:41:19 The father sneaks up behind the cop and knocks him unconscious with a shovel. I saw it coming, the detective…not so much.

In line at the all-you-can-eat Knish buffet

0:42:18 Now the father knocks the perv unconscious with the shovel. Perhaps it’s a magic shovel.

0:46:20 The father enlists the cop’s aid in the torture of the perv at the previously bought torture house.

0:48:51 Facing the bound captive, the father recites a graphic description of the method the serial killer used when kidnapping, raping, and torturing the young girls. When I say ‘graphic’, I don’t mean cartoons.

0:53:04 The father promises to do everything the killer did to the girls to the perv. Once again, we are reminded we don’t know how the cop and the father are so sure the perv is the killer. Was the proof in his pudding, for example?

0:54:59 Except for the “shovel as anaesthetic” bit, this film truly is masterfully made. The dialogue is almost amusing at times and the music is, by moment, comical.

0:56:43 The torture begins with the detective reluctantly pulling back the perv’s finger until it breaks. #fingerbang

0:57:39 The father has to stop before he can crush a finger with a hammer because his mother calls on his mobile.

1:02:19 The father finishes his phone call and starts breaking the perv’s fingers with a hammer. WTF!? Why anyone would hold their fingers out for them to be struck with a hammer? Is it because they have nails?

1:02:54 The cop stops the father from breaking any more fingers by grabbing the father’s arm. So the father knocks him unconscious.

1:03:19 Buddy Holly’s “Everyday” music video while cooking cake with a secret ingredient. #sleepingpills

1:06:39 The perv is talking a lot about his daughter’s birthday party. It would be interesting if there was no daughter and the girl he served cake to was another victim.

1:08:10 The torture continues with the father pulling out perv’s toenails with pliers. #Pedo-cure

1:12:06 Father’s father arrives for a visit that does not surprise me. It’s an unsurprising party.

1:16:26 The father’s father discovers the basement with the two prisoners. Like the near-sighted porn star, I did not see that coming.

1:18:12 The father confesses that, on the day Mika (his daughter) was kidnapped, he was supposed to pick her up from school, but forgot because he was getting a blow job from his secretary. Karma: he got head and his daughter lost hers.

It’s Hammer Time

1:19:54 After finding a nail on the ground, the cop tells the perv to sell the story of the head’s location to buy some time.

1:20:23 The father’s father decides he’s staying and helping his son. This is at least a little WTF!?

1:25:09 Blow torch torture scene. Heart burns.

Grandfather: You smell that, Gidin’ka?

Father: It smells like a barbecue.

Grandfather: You have no idea how much I’ve missed that smell.

[To perv] His mom turned me into a vegetarian because of my high cholesterol. Oh, I could go on all night!

Gidin’ka, I remember you loved hot dogs as a kid. Do you still like hot dogs?

[moves blow torch to prev's crotch]

How to make yourself Hot: Step 1

1:27:48 The father is going to check out the address the perv gave him (according to the cop’s plan), and leaves his father in charge of the two charges.

1:28:58 The grandfather’s wife calls and reminds him to take his heart pill with solid food. He’ll take it with the cake his son made, not knowing about the sleeping pills inside it.

1:29:52 Didn’t take me long to be right.

1:31:39 After the grandfather passes out, the cop picks the lock on his hand cuffs with the nail. It’s done in movie time (i.e. instantly).

1:34:44 The father digs for a while and, like a porn star on his fifth scene, he comes up empty.

George didn’t dig his night job at the chicken cemetery

1:35:56 The cop is free but leaves the perv behind. The detective is not as attached to the perv as the perv is to the chair.

1:38:48 Oh shit. I feel sick. I was right. The cop gets away and calls the police station using a random Arab’s phone. The police chief puts the cop’s wife on, and she asks him where their daughter is. He was supposed to pick her up from ballet class. Ballet class. Now look at my prediction at 1:06:39.

Moeshe took it upon himself to teach Arabs the YMCA dance wherever he went

1:41:08 Here’s the film’s biggest WTF. The detective makes it back to the house before the father, who’s returning after not finding the head at the chicken farm. Instead of running straight downstairs to ask the perv what he’s done with his daughter, the detective prefers to stay upstairs and look for tools, of which there are already plenty beside the perv. When the father arrives, the cop prefers to keep quiet and hide, rather than tell the father of the new development. This entire WTF could’ve been avoided by simply having the father return to the house before the detective.

1:41:30 The father starts sawing the perv’s head off. The expression “neck of the woods” pops into my mind, but I refuse to branch out into that sort of pun.

I saw what you did there

1:41:57 The cop decides he’s hidden upstairs doing nothing long enough. When he descends into the cellar, however, he finds he’s too late. Looks like his plan of “Give the father enough time to kill the only man who knows where my daughter is” was the wrong one.

1:43:22 The perv dies, staring at the cop, and letting the pencil fall to the floor, rather than write out where he hid the cop’s daughter.

1:45:31 A detective from earlier is on the phone with the chief and says they’ve finished going through the house but have found nothing. The camera pans through a wall and we see the daughter unconscious or dead on a bed behind a door that doesn’t seem to be all that secret. WTF!? Roll credits.

Three Men and a Baby Killer

Tally Ho’

WTF!?’s: 6, and one of those was ferocious
When to Follow: As soon as possible. Tarantino fans will love it. It’s a much better-made film than Daddy’s Little Girl and other torture porn movies.

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator