I, Frankenstein 01 poster (WTF Saint Paul)

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be dissecting I, Frankenstein bit by bit, taking it apart limb by limb, analysing it from head to toe to determine if it’s a tasty piece or spoiled rotten. So read on only if you’ve already seen I, Frankenstein, or don’t plan to.

The only way to get Aaron to watch this film

0:02:29 Aaron Eckhart narrates the exposition in his Batman voice about how Dr Frankenstein died in the snow because he got cold feet (and the rest of him, as well).

0:03:48 Demons attack Frankenstein’s monster in the cemetery. The situation is grave.

0:05:04 A gargoyle lad and lass fly by and eliminate the demons. I’d like to know how long they were sitting stoned on the ledge of the castle, and why anyone with super powers would choose to hang on a ledge doing nothing in the first place. #stoned

It’s hard to be a Gargoyle

0:05:57

It’s alive. It’s alive!

Girlgoyle (as opposed to garguyle)

That’s one cliché put out of our misery.

0:07:17 Queen Gargoyle (Miranda Otto as Leonore) sees the humanity in the monster, so decides to keep him as a pet slave.

0:07:54 Her castle is far more attractive than her history lesson. She’s babbling on about how she’s at war with the demons, which could also be said of more than half the people I know.

Guess which one is God’s house

0:09:12 Queen Leonore decides to name the monster Adam, maybe because he came first.

0:10:17 Demons are bad and can be descended with sacramental objects. Gargoyles are Beings of Light, like in Charmed. After this speech, I’m on Team Gargoyle, because I’m bored stiff.

0:12:04 The gargoyles let Adam leave with some holy staffs and tell him to come back any time. Very nice co-monster Service.

0:13:07 In a stretch further than the anally inserted fart suppressor, time passes and three demons arrive in the wilderness where Adam lives so he decides to get a haircut and look for demons in the city in modern times. All of this in 60 seconds or less.

Doctor WTF!?

0:13:43 Evidently, looking like a scarred homeless man is not an obstacle in getting past the door at a prestigious club. This will save me in suits.

0:14:30 Demons disintegrate like the victims in The Darkest Hour, only with more flames. Must be all the hot air.

0:14:58 WTF!? The police officer is American, yet, judging by architecture, this city is in eastern Europe. This film is set in a time when America is literally the world’s police. #Murica

0:16:52 A blonde scientist (Yvonne Strahovski as Doctor Terra Wade) brings back a mouse from the dead in front of her demon boss (Bill Nighy, whom they got out of the Underground). A true Power point presentation.

“No, see, he’s right. The recipe does call for rat vaginas.”

0:18:57

Bill Nighy beats the messenger who tells him the creature he’s been looking for over the past few centuries is back. WTF!? Also, Bill is the “Prince of the Demons”, spoken in a way that’s meant to impress, but I’m English: we already have our own Prince of Demons.

The Other Prince of Darkness

0:22:28 Queen Leonore reminds me of my mother when I was young and she caught me playing “Hot Lava” with my shoes on.

Drama Queen

0:24:16 Seriously, what city is this supposed to be? They have American police, let homeless into chic clubs and no one notices that the gargoyles on the cathedral can fly. This is a nice place to get away from it all–and by ‘it all’ I mean ‘believability’.

0:28:18 Well made battle scene.

0:31:25 Queen Leonore was taken prisoner by the demons because the battle was simply a distraction. The queen is bait to lure Adam so he can be caught and given like herpes to the blonde scientist (Strahovski /Doctor Wade).

0:36:38

This is everything we need to bring back our fallen.

Demon lieutenant giving Victor Frankenstein’s journal on reanimation to Dark Prince

Dr Wade can use this book to reanimate dead humans repossessed by demons. The human bodies are intended to be shells for deceased demons to inhabit like Council Homes.

“Trust me, it’s better than the film.”

0:37:44 More mindless corpses than a Miley Cyrus concert.

0:40:43 Wait, was Frankenstein English? I think not. Yet he speaks better English than many of my dates.

0:42:48 Dr Wade is in over her head.

Pole dancing for the lazy

0:47:03 Lazy film making. Adam is waiting for Dr Wade in an alley, yet there is no way he could’ve known she’d hide there. WTF!? Perhaps he was there for another reason. #TuppennyUpright

0:52:20 Doctor Wade reminds us that Doctor Frankenstein was able to reanimate a body in a cellar with eels in the 18th century, but over 200 years later, she can’t do it with science’s most recent technology and an unlimited budget.

0:53:02 Aaron Eckhart looking worse for wear, but I’d still try him on for size.

Fit like a jigsaw puzzle

0:58:14 Doctor Wade offers to make Adam a “companion”. Pimp Me a Ride.

1:00:06 Demons capture Doctor Wade because she insists on going alone to meet someone at the evil lair. Suddenly, we see why she’s blonde.

1:02:02 The Queen agrees to help Adam escape with Dr Wade, but, after he leaves, she tells her minion to destroy the journal and then Adam. The queen is a royal pain.

1:05:39 Gideon accidentally kills himself with his own battle axe while fighting Adam. Me? I’m just happy to be still awake.

Dave Grohl liked to eat his barbeque hot off the grill

1:08:06 The demons force Wade to reanimate a human by killing Carl, her assistant. She readily agrees, which makes me wonder just what Carl assisted her with.

1:09:13 Adam decides to destroy the book for any number of reasons they don’t bother to explain.

1:10:45 The gargoyles go after Adam. Those thick skinned bastards have hearts of stone.

1:12:37 Adam leads the gargoyles to the demons’ lair so they might have a big battle. Before I forget, the demons’ masks are scary bad.

Moonlights as toenail fungus in adverts

1:17:23 Demons are booted up like computers: Hardware-wolf. Ghost drives. Mummy board.

1:18:24 The Prince of Demons’ son could not possess Adam because Adam has a soul. By playing connect the dots with the demon’s pimples, Adam forms a sacramental symbol on the demon’s chest, thus killing him and all the demons everywhere.

1:20:33 The gargoyles save Adam and Wade and fly over the city in the morning and no one on the ground notices, because they don’t have the stones.

1:21:38 Ridiculous speech and roll credits.

Tally Ho’

WTF!?’s: 11 of the bastards
When to Follow: When you find yourself desperately wishing you could watch the unholy abomination of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Killer grafted onto Underground
What To Feedback: The poll above about Dr Terra Wade’s skills

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator