Spoiler Alert:

I shall be sinking my teeth into Vampire Academy. After bleeding it dry, I shall process every bit to find if it’s in good or bad taste, then thoroughly digest it to see if it has bite or simply sucks. So read on only if you’ve already seen Vampire Academy, or don’t plan to.

Vampire Academy 02 poster (WTF Saint Pauly)

“What’s this word after ‘Green eggs and…’?”

0:01:02 You will certainly not believe me, but I’m a fan of this song.

0:02:28 I gave the film a fighting chance, but I can tell you at only 2 minutes into the film that the script was written by someone with less talent than I. And we all know how bad I am.

0:03:14 The girls go to the kitchen for a bite.

Vampire Academy 03 poster (WTF Saint Pauly)

Vampire Necking

0:03:40 An English girl calls the state of Oregon ‘Oregano’ – hate the writer, not the blonde.

0:05:34 For those still interested, the blonde (Lucy Fry as Vasilisa ‘Lissa’ Dragomir) is the Princess of an ancient race of vampires known as ‘Moroi’ (pronounced like “The moroi watch this film, the moroi want to have a stake driven through my eyes.”)

The brunette (Zoey Deutch as Rose Hathaway) is a member of a people called Dhampir (as in “If you need a place to defecate, you can take a Dhampir.”) She’s a half-vampire and her job is to protect the Moroi. On the other hand, a Russian chap has just knocked out the brunette and is taking the duo back to the Academy. The brunette’s ‘protection’ skills are so bad, they’re judged on the deodorant scale.

Vampire Academy 04 poster (WTF Saint Pauly)

The Call of Doody

0:06:12 Oh goody, the girls can communicate mentally with each other. Psychic texting. #STFU

0:07:14 The convoy is ambushed, no doubt by some other race with a funny name. #Caucasian

0:08:32 Ah yes, the bad vampires are known as the Strigoi. As in “that’s a bloody ridiculous name.”

0:10:51 Gabriel Byrne? Oh, how the mighty adjacent have fallen.

In today’s news: Woody Allen has become a vampire

0:12:28 Princess Vasilisa (the blonde) could be next in line for the vampire throne. This we discover during an epic battle between horrific acting and atrocious writing.

015:28 Lissa can also bring crows back from the dead, which is perfect, if you love crows.

Vampire Academy 06 poster (WTF Saint Pauly)

Flipping the Bird

0:17:58 A sullen, emo looking chap accosts Lissa in an attic.

Lissa: This was my special place before it was your special place.

Not talking about her vagina.

0:18:37 Emo boy (Dominic Sherwood–like the forest, lots of wood) is a lad called Christian who is tormented because his parents decided to become bad vampires. And name him Christian, even though he’s a vampire. This film is worse than The Vampire Diarrheas.

0:21:25 Oh god, the pain is so bad. Make it stop! The cafeteria is full of human volunteers who give blood for a year and then their memories are wiped, the lucky bastards.

I’m thrusting this upon you because misery loves company.

0:22:18

Her soul has been a few corpuscles shy of a full artery.

Lines like these make my reviews look good.

0:22:55 Gabriel Byrne (Victor Dashkov) asks Rose to look after his daughter, a lass named Nathalie. I can’t shake the suspicion that Dashkov and Nathalie are not what they seem. They’re bad, and not just their acting.

Vampire Academy 09 poster (WTF Saint Pauly)

“Her relationship status just changed to ‘It’s seropositive’!?”

0:22:36 Dear god, there is not a half decent actor anywhere near this film. Honestly, it seems the strategy is that if all the actors are terrible, no one will notice. In a pig sty, it’s difficult to say who stinks the most.

0:26:12 During vampire church service (the exact same as a normal church service, but more boring), someone defaces a memorial to Lissa’s parents and brother, who died in the car accident at the beginning of the film. Vampire Church must be hell with all those crucifixes.

Vampire Academy 08 poster (WTF Saint Pauly)

Crosses on the walls of the Vampire Academy?

0:26:43 Rose sneaks out during the day (day is night in vampire land) to rub lips with a Moroi he-slut who’s as hot as lunch meat. Apparently, letting a vampire suck your blood is akin to sex. Meaning Rose and Lissa have done some girl on girl, fang you very much.

“Is that a stake in your pocket or are you going to nail me?”

0:33:27 Joelle Richardson? What unpardonable sin did she commit to be stuffed into this rotting corpse of a film? I thought she had better taste–no pun intended.

0:34:18 She portrays a queen who invites Lissa on stage for a vampire equivalent of pet shaming.

0:35:16 So this just happened….

0:40:12

Me and Aaron are going on that field trip to the haemoglobin factory.

Help, I’m trapped in this review! Kill me! Kill me now!

0:57:05 Mrs Karp (an ex-teacher) became a bad vampire after warning Rose that Lissa was in danger for using magic. I, on the other hand, am still valiantly fighting the battle to give a damn.

Meeting of the Bored

1:01:00

Bite me.

You wish, Blood Whore.

Lol

1:01:24

For those sad few who have made it this far, Lissa possesses a kind of magic called ‘spirit’ magic which was also the kind of magic Mrs Karp and Saint Vladimir (the school’s founder) had. It drove Mrs Karp to join the bad vampires and it led Vladimir to do great things. Rose is trying to help Lissa down the right path, against Lissa’s instincts. And I’m watching this, against mine.

1:03:40 Fortunately, it’s an overcast day so the vampires can go shopping for something to wear to the Equinox Dance. Oh god, this is really happening.

“Toss the vase and let’s play rain.”

1:09:56 What did the gay ginger do to the school’s bullies to make them confess all of their sins to Rose? Maybe he took one for the team. Took two, actually.

1:12:55 The necklace Gabriel Byrne gave Rose is making her have sex with her trainer, rather than help Lissa. In real life, this is known as ‘a wine cooler’.

1:12:53

Russian instructor: This is insane. What are we doing?

Student Rose: Everything.

AKA, ‘breaking school regulations and several laws’.

Rose goes down for the Count

1:13:36 The Russian (Danila Kozlovsky as Dimitri Belikov) realizes it was a love charm and tears off the necklace, so that Rose returns back to a normal tease.

1:14:33 Victor (Gabriel Byrne) kidnapped Lissa because he wants her to heal him with her magic touch and not even give her a tip.

1:16:31 WTF!? Some blind Vampire expert ‘Air User’ is blowing in Lissa’s nose to torture her? What, did he eat hamburger ice cream with garlic sauce?

“Not the blue cheese patchouli!”

1:18:08 The three stooges (Russian, Rose and Christian), infiltrate the house where Lissa is being kept and engage in an overly choreographed fight scene. For those who wonder what professional professional wrestling looks like.

“Why won’t their arms go down?”

1:19:30

Ring a flamer on the knob.

Rose telling Christian to use his magic on the door

And I thought I was gay.

1:22:48 Death of psy-hounds. Even the dogs are flamers. I love this film’s hidden gay agenda.

Hot Dogs

1:27:24 Victor turned his daughter Nathalie into a Stragoi evil vampire so she could break him out of vampire jail. Judging from Nathalie’s transformation, it would seem Evil is a lot more attractive than Good. This may be the most realistic concept in the film.

1:28:06

Nathalie : I chose Ray to be my first. Killing him was a lot more fun than losing my virginity to him would have been.

Rose: It was a lot more blood. Too soon?

1:30:02 Rose and Dimitri take Nathalie out, and not in the dinner and a fang sense.

1:33:07 WTF!? The Queen, for some reason, decides to call an assembly for the sole reason of shaming Lissa again, despite the fact that the elders from Europe are in the school to support Lissa. Then Lissa interrupts the speech to make one of her own, a horrible, preachy, over-acted melodramatic pile of garbage which ends with

What do you say, everyone? No more bad blood!

The Queen just stands there, staring blankly

She’s speechless as I am.

“I have the sceptre, you get the shaft.”

1:34:06 Rose doesn’t end up with her White Russian, so there is no happy ending. For him, either.

1:33:55 The scariest part of the film. Using Mrs Karp who lives in a cave, they set up a part 2, in which she returns with her minions for… a waste of more film.

Roll Credits

Tally Ho’