Spoiler Alert:

I shall be studying X-Men: First Class in depth, testing its theories, following its course and examining its lessons to determine if it’s passable or one big Fail. So read on only if you’ve already seen X-Men: First Class, or don’t plan to.

X-Elle Catalogue shoot

0:02:09 At a death camp in Poland in 1944, a boy being separated from his mother begins to pull down a metal fence with his mind. This X-mama’s boy will be Magneto.

0:04:16 Westchester, New York 1944. Little boy Charles meets little girl blue.

0:04:34 Scheisse, Kevin Bacon (as ‘Sebastian Shaw’) is speaking German and I don’t have subtitles on this version. Why couldn’t it be a Canadian Bacon?

0:10:03 Little Magneto grows up to be Michael Fassbender in 1962.

“I’m called ‘Magneto’, after my personality.”

0:12:06 James McAvoy is 1962 Charles Xavier and Jennifer Lawrence is Raven (and jealous that Charles is using mind games to pick up other blondes - it’s only fair, however, as blondes play mind games with us all the time).

0:13:38 Raven is feeling a bit randy and asks Charles if he would date her when she’s blue.

Charles: What’s gotten into you?

Uh, nothing. That’s the problem.

Could you transform into Jennifer Lawrence?

0:19:55 January Jones (as Emma Frost) is telepathic, like Charles Xavier, because why should X-People have different powers? She and Sebastian Shaw want the colonel to put nuclear missiles in Turkey, while a breezy X-man (Álex González as Janos Quested / Riptide) who can create tornadoes sweeps the colonel (and me) of our feet.

0:20:13 Meanwhile, a CIA agent (Rose Byrne as Moira MacTaggert) whose disguise is a bra is in the other room.

0:21:24 A devilishly handsome chap named Azazel transports the colonel across the country by hugging him.#GayAgenda

“You’re going to be getting some tail.”

0:24:41 Magneto interrogation techniques.

0:28:48 Kevin Bacon stays young because his genetic mutation allows him to absorb energy. Like a psychic mop in the brothel of life.

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0:30:23 Charles and Raven show their abilities to the CIA. So, they’re X-men but not X-tra bright men.

0:32:59 Charles is on the warpath to capture Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon) just after Fassbender gets his arse kicked by Frosty the Snowoman. Charles cannot read her mind because she’s made of diamonds…or maybe because she’s female.

0:34:21 Magneto destroys Shaw’s yacht with the anchor chain, but has difficulty letting the sub go until Charles jumps in the water and gives him an underwater hug. #MoreGayAgenda

0:38:13 Then there are the comical mutations, like the lab geek who has hands where his feet should be. Makes it easier to shake a leg.

His shoes fit like a glove

0:38:52 Shaw’s plan to destroy the world is to put US missiles in Turkey, and then to get the Russians to instigate a world war. Because being king of the world after nuclear annihilation sounds like a good idea.

0:39:38 The Russians gave Kevin a funky helmet so that the telepathic mutants can no longer read his mind. This doesn’t work if he’s thinking how silly he looks whilst wearing that helmet, because that’s what the telepaths will be thinking.

A gift for X-mas

0:43:18 The CIA develops a transmitter that looks like a giant golf ball to amplify brain waves so Charles and Erik (Magneto) can locate other mutants. It’s basically a singles app for X-men. #Grindr

0:45:51 Using the machine, Charles finds tens of thousands of other mutants. The first one he visits is a stripper.

X-Men First Class 10 GIF (WTF Saint Pauly)

“Girl, you so fly.”

0:48:14 What a lone Wolverine says when you ask him to join you.

Rather, “Fuck grammar.” #yourselves

0:50:07 The mutants choose their nicknames and show off their powers and applaud insipidly with each demonstration.

Mystique - Identity crises
Darwin – Award for dying first
Angel – Draws flies and is a spit fire
Banshee – Screams like a girl
Havoc - Hula Hoops of Fire
Big Foot (later ‘Beast’) – His feet are all thumbs

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

0:53:56 WTF!? These young people, who thought themselves freaks their whole lives, have some fun together when they finally discover they aren’t alone and yet Raven’s own stepbrother, Charles, gives her the “I X-pected more from you” pout.

0:56:16 Charles can not only control what people think, he can occupy their minds and experience the world through their senses. I’d try being Marilyn Monroe in a Kennedy sandwich!

0:59:22 Erik and Charles team up on Emma Frost, who must be made of synthetic diamonds because she cracks like cheap plastic when Magneto strangles her with the bed frame.

That’s some nice cleavage, Diamond

1:00:17 Charles reads her mind and sees Shaw is planning to start a nuclear war with Russia because mutants are indestructible, like cockroaches.

1:02:42 At the First Class installation, Azazel (devil chap) materialises, hugs CIA agents, then de-materialises and reappears with them in the sky, where he drops them. Quite a let down.

1:06:35 Sebastian Shaw storms the compound with Azazel and Riptide and threatens to bore the team to death with his speeches unless they join him. Angel hops on board. Darwin goes extinct trying to save her.

Bringing home the Bacon

1:11:34

There’s a war coming, John.

Yes, but a war with who?

With good grammar, evidently. #whom

1:11:46

I wouldn’t call it a war, exactly. That suggests both sides stand an equal chance of winning.

Emma Frost

WTF!? Proof that even diamonds can be blonde.

Draw your IQ

1:12:46 The good mutants move to Charles’s mansion to ‘hide out’. It certainly looks more inconspicuous than a CIA safe house.

Charles Mansion

1:17:22 Athlete’s Feet can run fast because he has hands for feet. I am still of the opinion his foot mutation stinks.

1:18:07 Magneto tells Mystique she should keep her blue skin to be stronger, so she won’t waste her energy trying to resemble Jennifer Lawrence, like half the female population of the planet.

1:19:22 Banshee can fly because he can scream supersonically? I call WTF!?

1:19:32 How a nerd gets to third base.

“Mmmm…..firm.”

1:28:51 Hank (Athlete’s Feet) injects himself with a serum that’s meant to make him look normal and it makes him blue to match his balls.

1:33:38 Hank is christened Beast.

Peed on the sofa. Again. Bad, Beast!

1:35:23 The X-Men arrive to stop the nuclear war in the Caribbean at the last minute. Maybe they should’ve left earlier.

1:37:17 Charles takes over the mind of a Russian sailor and has him blow up the drone ship. No mention is made of the nuclear missiles that were on it at the time of the explosion. #Oops

1:39:46 Banshee learns where Shaw is by using his voice as sonar and then Charles reads his mind to find out where the ship is located. Not as absurd as it sounds - it is far, far more absurd than it sounds. WTF!?

“Ew, there are some minds you can’t unread.”

1:40:14 Shaw is charging himself with his sub’s nuclear power reactor. Bacon of Mass Destruction. Two warheads are better than one.

1:43:28 After Tornado boy does the twister, both the X-men aeroplane and the Shaw sub crash on the beach.

1:52:12 Nicely done scene where Eric pushes the coin Shaw gave him after killing his mother, through Shaw’s head.

X-Men First Class 20 GIF (WTF Saint Pauly)

Change your mind

1:56:54 CIA woman was shooting at Eric to make him stop sending missiles, but Eric deflected them and one of these bullets hit Charles, putting him in his wheelchair.

2:00:04 Charles gives Raven his blessing to side with Magneto. Looks like Erik attracts more than metal.

2:00:32 Choosing sides

Team Charles Xavier / Professor X:
- Mystique
- Angel
- Riptide
- Azazel
Team Erikk Lensherr / Magneto:
- Beast
- Banshee
- Havoc

I don’t know why I wasted my bullets making those points, though, because nearly all of them die off screen before Days of Future Past.

2:01:17 Wait, how do the good mutants get off the beach? Seriously, Azazel can take Magneto’s crew but there’s no way Banshee can scream-fly and carry 3 other people and a dying Charles Xavier. Their plane is destroyed, the military hates them so won’t pick them up, they’re fighting with Magneto so they’ll get no assistance from that camp. To make matters worse, Charles Xavier was shot and needs emergency medical attention. Can anyone please leave a comment and explain how the X-men leave this island?

The Bitch

2:01:56

I suppose I am a real professor now, aren’t I? The next thing you know, I’ll be going bald.

Charles

2:04:22 Magneto heists Emma Frost from of the CIA. #booty

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

WTF!?’s: 7 X-treme ones
When to Follow: Better than all the other X-men combined
What To Feedback: Please answer the poll about which X power you would most like to have. Also, please X-plain how the good X-men get off the island!

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator