Spoiler Alert:

I shall be examining Afflicted, taking its temperature and checking up on each episode to see if it’s a strong showing or just sick. So read on only if you’ve already seen Afflicted, or don’t plan to.

Synopsis

Found-footage film in which a man travelling with a friend in Europe discovers he was made into a vampire.

0:02:32 An Asian man (Derek Lee as Derek) and his film-making mate (Clif Prowse as Clif) have decided to do a video blog trip around the world. Isn’t ‘around the world’ prostitute jargon? Looking at these two knobs, it is.

0:04:38 Derek has AVM which means he has a problem with the blood vessels in his head. (The big one.)

Afflicted with brain freeze

0:07:44 Day 1: Barcelona, Spain

They meet 2 musician friends who serve no purpose to the the story. Like real musicians.

0:09:40

That was way more scary than I thought it was going to be.

Clif after parachuting

Like your grammar? #scarier

0:11:11 Day 7: Paris, France

Their musician friends (Unalaska) put on a show in Paris and it goes like this.

0:12:06 Far more interesting than the quest to find a girl with whom Derek might fornicate, is the fact that Unalaska’s entire set consists of 1 song.

0:13:48

This is hands down the shittiest thing I’ve ever done to a friend, but we’re going to do it because it’s in the spirit of Paris.

Cute Musician (Edo Van Breemen) is talking about how he and Talented Musician (Zach Gray) – and Clif – intend to ‘Turkish Cock Block’ Derek, who is bedding a Parisian harlot called Audrey in the hotel room.

Interrupting your friend having sex is ‘the spirit of Paris’? Where did you learn about Paris? Bible school?

0:14:19 They burst in and Derek is unconscious in bed, with a wound over his eye and in his arm. This is the true spirit of Paris.

Derek has good taste

0:15:32 No one wants to take Derek to the hospital because someone would have to examine all the WTF!? Also, Audrey’s clothes are still in the room, yet no one wants to discuss where she might be or what might have happened. Like diarrhoea stains on the bedsheets, everyone just wants to look the other way and move on.

0:16:53 Day 8: Vernazza, Italy

Derek, the chap with the brain tumour, passes out for 12 hours while still wearing his backpack. Clif, however, is more concerned with his own equipment. (Not a euphemism.)

0:18:33 At a restaurant, Derek eats a plate of pasta and vomits it all over the floor of the terrace. #SeeFood

0:18:54 WTF!? Now it’s the middle of the night? Does Clif ignore Derek for the entire day following his technicolour belch? After being attacked by a girl, sleeping 24 hours and volcanic vomiting on top of his brain tumour, am I the only one who thinks Derek might have a problem?

When I am the voice of reason, things have gone too far.

Light Waves

0:19:48

We’re not stopping the trip.

Derek’s argumentation

Afflicted 06 (WTF Saint Pauly) Good enough for Clif. WTF!?

0:21:08 Derek develops a sort of allergy to the sun that looks like a skin rash. Perhaps it’s a new strain of French STD? [FYI, it's at this point that I should have realized Afflicted is a vampire story.]

0:23:16 Later that evening (WTF!? how did they get home from the vineyard?), Clif argues with Derek about stopping the trip. They sound like gay men arguing over their Pomeranian.

0:23:40 This woke me up.

Wall Nuts

0:24:35 Clif is no longer worried about Derek, because he can break rocks as well as balls. WTF!?

0:26:09 Night 12

Derek can run 60 kilometres an hour. Still not to the doctor’s, but what about to the mechanic’s?

0:28:02 Derek pulls out his eyes which are replaced by evil eyes / stink eyes / eyesores.

Vampire takes time for reflection

0:30:25 Derek can also jump freakishly high. An even bigger leap, however, is why Clif feels must convince Derek to go to hospital, rather than simply calling an ambulance himself.

0:33:08 On the way to the hospital (finally), Derek kicks the arses of two Italians. Obviously there’s no need to continue on to the emergency room because…I don’t know, you’ve got me – the director hates Italians, I guess. Besides, this film has now become terminally WTF, so there’s nothing to be done to save it.

You might as well face it, you’re addicted to blood

0:33:34 It’s clear, now, and I should have seen this before: Derek caught a vampire STD from the Paris slapper. He can’t eat, he can’t go in the sun, he has super human strength and licked Italian blood off his fist as if it were tomato sauce.

0:34:28

I’m just trying to harness the power of the Internet to help you with your vampire problem.

Clif to Derek

Derek’s reaction.

What the Fucks

0:35:34 Night 14

Clif brings Derek some cow’s blood but Derek can’t keep it down. #ScaryMoovie

A Bloody Mary, hold the Mary

0:38:25 Derek attacks the vintner’s piglet, but is sick on that as well. Perhaps he’s a kosher vampire?

0:39:28 WTF!? Derek breaks into a blood bank to bribe an orderly for human blood, but then panics because they know who he is, as he had to show them his ID. At exactly what point during a bribe does one party say, “I need to see some identification”?

0:42:23 Derek comes out of the dark looking like Nosferatu with rabies. To prevent Derek from biting off his own tongue, Clif inserts a dowel rod he evidently keeps in his hotel room for just such emergencies.

Vampires should brush their fangs twice a night and after every feeding

0:43:25 Derek has been unconscious for 11 hours and only reacts when Clif gets close enough so that Derek can smell his blood. That’s when he barks. I’ll be surprised to see Clif make it out of this film alive.

0:43:59 Night 17

Derek has completed his mutation into a wolf. A were-vampire, as it were…wolf.

0:47:24 Derek attacks Clif and sucks him off. In the non-fun way.

0:48:16 Because of the guilt, Derek blows his own head off. In the shotgun way.

0:48:34 And then comes back to life. No way.

0:49:16 Night 21

Derek explains to the camera that the suicide was pointless and shows us the place where blowing his brains out healed. That’s gonna leave a scar.

The brains of the operation

0:49:47

There has to be a way to fix me. So I’ve got to find Audrey.

Lol, for a moment I thought he might say a hospital or some such nonsense. I tend to forget straight men believe the right woman can solve all their problems.

0:51:39 Sun test #1

Afflicted 14 gif Sun Burn (WTF Saint Pauly)

Vampires get sun burns, not sunburn

Because the film must kill either people or time, and there are no people around.

0:53:36

Stop it! Stop shooting me!

Derek as Interpol chase him through the streets

Things vampires say.

0:55:44 Night 22

He made his way back to Paris and is living in an abandoned garage type place. All he needs is a coffin and it’ll be just like home.

How does one vampire welcome another vampire? “Make yourself at tomb.” “My coffin is your coffin.” “Other than garlic, what’s your poison?”

Living room, library, bedroom, with a toilet in the foreground

0:57:01 Night 25

Derek returns to the hotel room to find Audrey’s affairs, including a telephone that looks as though it were built by Motorola.

0:58:10 Once at the hotel, he also finds his brother from the States and the police. The good news is, they’re French police, so they’re probably only there to surrender.

0:58:44

Afflicted 16 gif Hold Up (WTF Saint Pauly)

A Bad Hold Up

0:59:18 Now Derek’s crying into the camera in a church. The premise of the ‘I’m a vampire carrying a video camera with me wherever I go’ is running thin as Nicolas Cage’s hairline.

1:00:22 WTF!? Derek’s fortunate that the phone has been sitting in a Lost & Found box for three weeks, yet still has a charge. He’s going to text all the numbers on Audrey’s phone to ask for a meeting and try to get lucky. Sounds like my average weekend.

1:05:48 Derek holds Maurice, Audrey’s pet blood hound, hostage and broadcasts a live feed so that Audrey will see it and hopefully rescue her blood brother. On what platform is he broadcasting this to be sure Audrey will see it? Fangbook?

1:06:29 Audrey wasn’t the only one watching. The SWAT team shows up and get their collective arses swatted.

1:10:19 There comes a moment in every found footage film where the idea that someone was really filming this seems far-fetched. For this film, it was twenty minutes ago.

1:13:23 Filming an action scene as found footage with two cameras (who edited all this together, by the way?) is just silly. They choose the format for the gimmick and then all but abandon it like a non-allergen cat or a ginger baby.

1:14:17 He begs Audrey to kill him, so she drives a wooden stake (from a loose pallet) through him. #heartless

Don’t it make my brown skin blue

1:14:37 He pulls it out of himself and learns he cannot be killed. He has to feed every 4-5 days or he will become a monster that must feed daily. Like an underwear model.

1:16:35

You were dying. I thought I was being kind.

Audrey’s explanation as to why she chose to turn him

Good thing she doesn’t work in a hospital.

1:19:05 Derek accepts he must kill, so he preys on a child molester. My favorite part of the film. And not just because it’s the end. #NoMercy

Take a bite out of crime

Roll credits

1:19:59 During the credits, a chap with a video camera is in Italy where Italian girls are undressing poolside in the middle of the night.

1:20:48 A plug for my website!

1:21:24 He really likes my site.

1:21:31 It’s Clif! He’s become one of those vampires that didn’t feed enough and so turned into a monster. Like I do, if you get between me and me Yorkshire pudding.

1:21:36 Roll credits to not a bad song (“L.A.” by Unalaska).

Tally Ho’