Spoiler Alert:

I shall be completely overhauling Need for Speed, checking its points, and finely tuning what makes it work to see if it’s auto-erotic or an autopsy. So read on only if you’ve already seen Need for Speed, or don’t plan to.

“Hello, Police? I think I’m being followed.”

0:01:12 This is a film about car racing. I know as much about car tires as drivers know about satires.

0:02:47 Michael Keaton as Monarch, the sports DJ. Keaton once played Batman, and now I want to see a movie where Batman is a DJ.

Good evening, Gotham. I. Am. Batman. Spinning the hits and the knock outs until dawn, so don’t hesitate to call in if you have a request or if you see Catwoman. First up, here’s Wolfmother with ‘Joker and the Thief‘.”

0:03:25 The good news is Tobey is played by Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad. The breaking bad news is, I’m having drug flashbacks to Speed Racer instead.

Braking Bad

0:04:09 Swing-set at a late night drive-in that’s showing Bullitt. Those of you who are anti-Yank obviously don’t know everything about America.

0:04:38 If you’re looking for something to hate, this remake of “Fortunate Son” is a good place to start.

0:06:47 Tobey’s ex-girlfriend, Anita (Don Johnson & Melanie Griffith’s daughter Dakota Johnson), is now his arch enemy’s sex-girlfriend. When she talks to Tobey, she hides her breasts with her arms. I wonder if he speaks body language.

“Boobs? What boobs? The only boobs here are you and I.”

0:06:59

Anita: Thank you for watching out for Pete.

Tobey: He’s like a little brother to me.

Looks like Pete got a red shirt for Christmas, and Christmas came early.

0:07:46

Dino has something he wants to talk to you about. After the race, though. I don’t want to distract you.

Anita to Tobey

I don’t know about you, but this kind of sentence would drive me to distraction fast.

0:11:12 WTF!? Where did these young chaps find the money necessary to put together this computerized electronics board that is connected to the car’s equipment and includes real-time video? When I was their age, I could barely afford 50p to play something like that in an arcade.

Watching “Car-nal Desires III: Tail Pipe”

[Click the image for the full video of the race]

0:11:21 Nice incidental music, but, like Aaron Paul, it’s in the wrong film.

0:17:22 Dino (Dominic Cooper) offers Tobey $500,000 to fix up a Ford Mustang. I’m reminded I don’t really know – or care – about cars. I am also reminded that Dino was the pet dinosaur on The Flintstones.

0:19:04 Tobey agrees to rebuild the car because he’s behind in the payments on the garage. If this film runs on clichés, it’ll go far.

0:21:46 Only in New York City do people have parties to watch an advert.

Auto-satisfaction

[Click on the image for the video]

0:23:02 Ooh, an English slapper approaches Tobey at the party. Women love mechanics in America, maybe because of lube jobs. Who am I kidding, it’s because Aaron Paul. He can crank my shaft whenever he likes.

0:23:21

She’s not from around here, Pete. She probably has no idea who Carroll Shelby is.

She probably does have an idea of what grammar is, however. #was

0:23:37 Julia Maddon (Imogen Poots) is a blonde playing blonde and will be revealed to be a connoisseur. Thus Tobey can play petrol station attendant and fill her up.

TIL The actress’s full name is ‘Imogen Gay Poots’. I officially would like everyone to start calling me ‘Gay Poots’ from here on out.

Auto-eroticism

0:26:17 Can someone please explain to me in the comments how one driver can drive faster than another in a straight line? Isn’t it just a question of pushing the accelerator as far as it will go?

0:28:48 Dino agrees to race Tobey for the total price of the Mustang deal (2.7 million). I’m trying very hard to care, I assure you.

0:29:42 Pete (Harrison Gilbertson) is a young boy cuter than My Little Pony kittens (they grow them adorable in Adelaide, Australia, mate). He is also Tobey’s sidekick and Anita’s younger brother. He’s going to race one of Dino’s ultra-fast European sports cars, over Tobey’s objections. Looks like Pete will wear out the red shirt Anita and Tobey gave him at the drive-in.

0:34:03 Didn’t take me long to be right.

[Click on the image for the full crash video]
[Click here for the video of the full race]

0:36:07 WTF!? Dino caused the accident by rear ending Pete (and wouldn’t we all like to) during the race. Yet now, at his funeral, he’s comforting Anita, Pete’s sister. Did she ask what happened to him, or did she run right out and buy a new dress for the funeral?

0:37:21 I see. Dino paid witnesses to say he was never there. This is harder to swallow than anything else Dino can dish out.

0:38:00 Fast forward 2 years, which is nice for Tobey because he just skipped over a prison montage.

A-door-able

0:39:32 His garage is being foreclosed upon, so he’s going to race to win the money to pay for it. Unfortunately, this isn’t telly, or he could sell meth for the cash. Breaking too Bad.

0:40:32 The English bird drops off the Mustang Tobey and his team rebuilt earlier, so that he can race it in what sounds like The Daily Own, or some such nonsense. [We will later learn the race is called the De Leone, which is still such nonsense.]

0:41:41 Julia, the potential love interest, is ‘forced’ to travel across country in the Mustang with Tobey to go to California for the race. I’m not surprised, you’re not surprised, the only one who’s bloody surprised is Tobey. Keep in mind, though, he’s as bright as a broken light bulb burst up the bum of a bulky bloke buried beneath a black hole.

Finally understood my ‘auto-eroticism’ joke

0:48:46 Dino now has to win the Daily Bone to get 5 million from an investor. Ooh, both leads have to win the race for love and profit!? I sure didn’t see that coming in a giant American pick-up truck loaded full of shite.

0:50:14

He just left him there, that’s what I can’t forgive.

Tobey about when Dino killed Pete

WTF!? You can forgive the murder of your closest friend but not the fact the killer didn’t hang around afterwards? Does that mean if he’d killed your friend and stayed, you’d be forgiving him like Jesus at a Roman orgy?

0:53:20 They pull up in front of an office building to lure one of the old grease monkeys (Rami Malek as Finn) away from his new, high paying executive job? WTF!?

Thinks ‘asphalt’ is spelt ‘ass fault’

54:16 Back In The Saddle remake to Finn stripping down to his ugly socks. #UndressCode

A Happy End

[Click on the image for the full video]

0:56:35 His friend had to give up his plane because of flight restrictions, which evidently permit people to fly at street level in down town Detroit in a helicopter. In other news, a baseball game is in progress and the number of supporters proves that the sport is even less popular than cheese rolling.

0:58:39 I’ve seen better driving in an MIA video.

0:59:19

1:00:29 WTF!? Benny steals a news helicopter, then lands the stolen helicopter immediately beside a manned police helicopter that simply flies away so Benny can then nick an ENTIRE PLANE!?

1:07:03 Dino just promised he’d give a Lamborghini to anyone who stopped Tobey from arriving at the Gay Leone. If you want to see the original Need for Speed: #GumballRally #CannonballRun #SmokeyAndTheBandit #SWAT

1:08:46 WTF!? This whole Internet radio show with Michael Keaton is just ridiculous. He apparently does the show 24 hours a day and has so few listeners that when Julie calls in he takes it immediately, not even knowing who she is.

I have to pee so bad my glasses are full

1:10:17 Retooled version of “All Along the Watchtower“. Meanwhile, Anita suddenly decides to doubt Dino’s story because she’s on her WTF.

1:16:32 Tobey and Julie escape the police in a petrol station by placing a chain on the axle of his patrol car. Like a sexual encounter with a Londoner, this was much less exciting than it was meant to be.

1:18:02 They’re in permanent love (unless there’s a sequel). I can tell because the music got really stupid.

“God’s Unicorn!”

1:21:36 Tobey asks his air support for help but is ignored until Benny arrives in a military helicopter the army let him borrow because they’re nice chaps that way. Good thing the ‘last minute’ wasn’t ‘one minute ago’.

1:23:54 The helicopter picks up the car and carries it off a cliff to the Bonneville Salt Flats. Still not as good as Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

1:25:06 The WTF!? is getting so thick I’m finding it difficult to breathe. Air Force jets come and tell Benny to return to base because he filed a false flight plan. Benny tells his team that he has to go to prison but he’ll be back.

Why did the officer in the heli let him take it in the first place?
How did Benny know where to fly?
If he knew where to go, why didn’t he file the correct flight plan?
How did he know to bring special straps to carry a motorcar?
Can we call this scene The Strap On?

One flies, and the other’s a helicopter

[Click on the image for the full video]

1:26:42

I’m surprised you made it.

Dino to Tobey in San Francisco

If I were Dino, I’d also be surprised only one group tried to stop Tobey, when the reward for doing so was $3,000,000. I would also spend a lot of time with myself in the shower, because I’d be sexy.

1:28:08 The sole reason Tobey goes to the hotel is to not get into a fight with Dino. There’s a great deal of not happening going on in this film.

“I got the oil but they were out of lube.”

1:29:58 Just as I was telling myself, “That’s the sort of angle they use before a car wreck,” they had a car wreck. Fortunately, a lorry hit the Mustang hard enough to make it spin in the air, but not enough to hurt Julie, who was sitting on the side of the car that was demolished. In a race film, love makes you stronger than a motorcar.

Smashing!

1:36:32 After leaving Dino, Anita gives Tobey the car Dino was driving when he killed Pete. I’d have thought a car that hadn’t been driven or even started in 2 years would need some work to get it going again but no, one just turns the key and the engine is better than ever. Motorcar engines are like wine and cheese, they get better with age.

1:39:34 Tobey and Julia share their first kiss with her in the hospital: A romantic, memorable film kiss… would’ve been nice instead of this tepid white bread soggy squishing of lips. Lol, the kiss is so boring Julia falls asleep, and that’s not even a joke.

Carrying her over the threshold…of pain

1:42:47 WTF!? At the De Leone, Tobey tells Dino he’s going to give the incriminating sports car to the cops, but first he’s going to race it. I’m not sure that’s the best way to handle the trail of evidence. Source: I watch a lot of CSI.

1:43:52 America’s streets might not be paved in gold, but they give you laptops in hospital to watch races. It’s all a part of National Health Car.

1:45:01 Laptops in hospital make more sense when you realize prisoners can watch iPads. They have female prison guards in male jails and all Benny has to do is smile at her and ask her to bring an iPad and she does. How does that even work? Does she notify her supervisor she’s going to be a hard-wood telly stand, or does she risk her career by smuggling it in?

Television stand

1:45:08

Ladies and gentlemen, [Tobey] Marshall’s balls have just been located, and they are very, very large.

Monarch (Michael Keaton)

WTF does this even mean? They’re so large we have to look for them in order to locate them?

1:48:41 The police are taking out the racers one at a time by crashing into them. Is this what Columbo would do?

Fired up

1:52:16 Dino just hit the third remaining driver and sent his car into a series of flips. He’s rather good at that. One could even say he kills at that.

1:53:16 If Tobey didn’t have the ‘this film is about me’ advantage, he probably wouldn’t have won the race.

1:54:58 Tobey pulls up next to Dino, then brakes just as Dino veers to run him off the road, so Dino himself flips out and falls victim to his own trap. Karma is a driving force and she just went round the bend. #KarmaGhia

A turn for the worse

1:55:40 Lol, just when everyone thinks Tobey is going to win, he turns back to rescue Dino. Because Tobey could overlook the ‘dead friend’ flap, but hated that no one went back to watch Pete go up in flames.

1:57:08 Tobey goes back and saves Dino, then drives to victory with the police close behind. BTW, how did the drivers know which roads to take to get to the finish line? Or where they just meant to drive around until the last car crashed?

1:58:21 He wins and surrenders to Linkin Park singing “Roads Untravelled”.

Jail Bird Practice

[Click on the photo for the full video]

1:59:31 WTF!? The police scan radio announces the car that Tobey is driving is the one that killed Pete 2 years ago, so Monarch the DJ declares Dino is going away for a long time. I’ve heard of smart phones, but a radio smart enough to process tainted evidence and convict a man for manslaughter…?

2:00:48 Continuing his stint as legal disc jockey, Monarch states Tobey will spend only a few months in jail to prove his innocence. Of course, he just might lose some of that innocence in jail as well.