Spoiler Alert:

I shall be attacking Sharknado 2: The Second One, exploring its guts and dissecting its heart to see if it was worth reviving or better off dead. So read on only if you’ve already seen Sharknado 2, or don’t plan to.

He saw what I did here

0:00:33 A flight attendant with purple hair (Kelly Osbourne) serves C*** Light [I reserve the right not to place products]. For the moment, it looks more like Mars Attacks than Shark Attacks.

0:00:49 Tara Reid and Ian Ziering travel in economy and can’t even afford a light beer. If they’re not 1st class, they may be No Class.

0:01:32 A WTFunami!

• The flight attendant asks Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) to sign his book, but the author is listed as April Wexler (Tara Reid)
• We’re expected to believe Tara Reid knows how to write
• Especially after seeing her signature
• Apparently the best way to survive a Sharknado is to use a Galaxy Tab. [Read the text closely!]

Seems Tara got high even before take off

0:02:47 Fin looks out the window and sees this in the lightning in the clouds:

The clouds look menacing

0:03:42 WTF!? A woman sniffs when entering the aeroplane toilet after Fin? Smells fishy to me.

0:04:31 LOL! The pilot of the aircraft is Robert Hays…the pilot of the plane in Airplane! 

0:05:32 No one believes Fin when he sees sharks becoming stuck on the wing. He’s not the only thing that’s hard to believe…

0:07:28 Sharks hit the cockpit windscreen like giant fish insects.

0:07:44 Oh no! A shark rips out part of the fuselage and passengers get sucked out of the plane.

Wil Wheaton & his wife Anne in their uncredited appearance – I hope Wesley doesn’t Crusher

0:08:04 Kelly Osbourne has her head taken off by an unruly passenger…shark flying down the centre aisle.

0:08:37 A shark wedged in the windscreen attacks the copilot. When Robert Hays tries to pull her to safety, both of them are pulled from the cockpit and into the clouds. This would be their last fling.

0:09:47 Fin fights his way to the cockpit while sundry passengers are attacked by ichth-ijackers. When he finally reaches the pilot’s seat, he remembers he doesn’t know how to fly a plane.

0:11:08 Amazing! The federal air marshal slides his gun to April, who is flapping out of the door holding onto a safety belt, yet the force that has her flapping about is not strong enough to budge the gun. April picks up the pistol and shoots the shark that the Marshal sees coming from miles away (maybe he’s a seer), but not before the shark bites off the hand holding the gun. The shark had a hand in this.

0:12:18 Fin lands the plane and the passengers applaud. This is something new for Ian Ziering.

0:12:21 Opening Credits

0:13:28 Naked cowboy cameo, for those of you who like your culture like your corn: Pop.

0:14:09 Fin’s family are waiting for him in New York and consist of his sister (original MTV vee-jay Kari Wuhrer as Ellen Brody), brother-in-law (Mark McGrath as Martin Brody), niece (Courtney Baxter as Mora) and nephew (Dante Palminteri as Vaughn). The brother-in-law and Fin were close until the friend bedded Fin’s sister. Bros before bros-in-law.

0:15:02 American ‘journalist’ Matt Lauer plays himself, i.e. a man pretending to be a journalist.

0:15:42 Andy Dick (as a cop) lives up to his name.

0:16:17 Original MTV vee-jay Downtown Julie Brown as a dis-orderly in the hospital April is taken to.

0:17:05 Cameo by American chat show journalist Kelly Ripa.

0:17:17 SharknadoBook.com: I just hope this book is different from the excerpt the showed at the beginning of the film. Will April sign my e-copy?

Ian wishes he knew how to read

0:17:28 Billy Ray Cyrus as the doctor. I’d have liked to have seen Miley Cyrus as the doctor, in keeping with the true disaster spirit of Sharknado. I know this may sound crazy, but I just had the feeling Fin would be able to get her hand back, like he did when rescuing Nova in Sharknado 1.

0:18:50

The shark kept chasing me. And it had this huge scar across its face. And I shot him in the eye. But it took my hand. It’s like he knew who I was.

April in hospital

Look how close she gets to complex sentences! Good for you, Tara!

0:19:32

April: Why did you marry me?

Fin: Because I wasn’t perfect and you didn’t care.

WTF!? This is actually a decent line. How did it get in this film?

0:20:12 The weather forecasts 12 inches…of shark. I only wish I was kidding, because then I could take credit for it.

0:23:58 Judd Hirsch as a taxi driver. #Respect [For you kids, Taxi was the first good sit-com in the history of television.]

0:30:12 Skye (Vivica A. Fox) meets Fin at the baseball stadium where he goes to rescue his brother in law and nephew.

I forgot to give you something the last time I saw you.

Skye

It’s her tongue.

To Fin’s credit, he tells Skye he and April are trying to work through their issues. On the other hand, Skye has another hand.

0:31:52 The Sharknado hits the baseball stadium, so Skye, Fin, brother-in-law, nephew and Bryan (Judah Friedlander) a strange bloke who has no reason to be in the film (*cough* red shirt *cough cough*).

0:35:02

There are more of them. They’re closer. We need to move the boat faster!

Ellen Brody on the ferry back from Ellis Island

WTF does one do to move a boat faster?

0:35:31

She wasn’t wrong, however. A shark at the face off her friend (Tiffany Shepis as Chrissie) who was like a douche (disposable).

0:36:26

Underground transit worker #1: I can’t believe I forgot my gloves again.

Underground transit worker #2: What are you, afraid of the dark?

WTF!?

0:37:21 In a nice twist, there’s a giant alligator living in the tunnels under New York, and it falls victim to a shark.

0:38:40 Cameo by Perez Hilton as a knob waiting for a subway. Basically he plays himself, only waiting for a subway.

0:38:46 No sooner do I say that, than they have an advert for Subway fast-food sandwiches inside the film.

0:39:35 Perez Hilton is eaten, Subway advert crew is eaten, and we learn that Fin’s strategy to survive a Sharknado is to outrun everyone else in the tube.

0:39:46 Meanwhile, Bryan gets eaten saving a police officer’s life. But then I already told you that was going to happen.

0:40:22 They spent no expense when making this film.

Special Education Effects

0:44:16 A stockbroker helping Ellen, Mora and Polly (Sandra ‘Pepa’ Denton) goes back for his briefcase and is crushed by the Statue of Liberty’s head. Or, how to get a head in business.

0:44:45 The most bizarre and serial WTF in this whole film is how no one knows there are sharks falling from the sky and swimming in the tunnels except for people who know Fin. Like Six Degrees of Shortfin Mako.

0:47:23

Al Roker: A sharknado is a lot more dangerous and a lot more deadly.

And a lot more bad than your grammar. #deadlier

0:50:42 Vaughn finds “Napalm” brand lighter fluid.

When you care enough to burn the best: Napalm Brand Lighter Fluid

0:53:48 April escapes from the hospital single-handedly (see what I did there?).

0:57:24 Ben the cabbie (Judd Hirsch) dies swinging from a rope from the bonnet of his cab to the safety of another car, taking the rope with him. Fin gets across by running atop the backs of the sharks, shouting Frogger before he goes.

0:57:53

Martin: You know what you just did, don’t you?

Fin: Don’t say it.

Martin: Jump the shark.

#Credit where its due.

1:00:01 In an interesting exchange while taking the elevator to the top of the Bales hotel to throw bombs into the Sharknadoes, Skye reminisces in support of interracial marriage…and only 30 years late. If you want to impress me, Skye, be a man.

1:00:18 Lol. Elle, Mora and Polly pedal the Citi Bikes in a frenzied panic while passers-by stroll casually around them.

1:00:32 Polly is flattened by a whale shark.

1:05:29 The plan of launching lantern propane taped to flares into the heart of the tornado using a slingshot isn’t working. Where could it have gone wrong? This plan didn’t even look good on paper.

1:06:27

We work good together.

Skye to Fin

Not on your English grammar, you don’t. #well

1:07:01 In the extreme panic of their slow, ambling walk, New Yorkers are crushed by flaming sharks.

1:07:51 WTF!? How can a high-rise hotel flood from the ground up? Does no one know how to open the front doors?

1:10:58 Tara Reid hooks up with fire fighters and then picks up her husband so they can all do it together. And by ‘it’, I mean make a really bad film. Seriously, WTF does the F.D.N.Y. pick up a civilian to fight sharks?

1:11:31 They mayor rudely interrupts April’s drama to bed Fin for help.

1:12:47 Fin’s plan is to use the lightning rod of the Empire State Building to blow freon tanks into the tornadoes and freeze them to death. What could go wrong? Rather, what else could go wrong?

14:02

We’re talking about shark falling rates of 2 inches an hour. So, those sharks are really going to pile up.

Stephanie Abrams (weather bird)

WTF!? Wouldn’t one single fallen shark be more than 2 inches? Sharks are not snow, am I right?

1:14:28 The mayor gives Fin a giant chainsaw for the Giant Chainsaw Massasharks. [Yes, I said it, and I'll do it again if given the chance.]

1:15:28 Fin’s speech. #DependenceDay

1:16:24 WTF!? Some terrorist organization left a table full of bomb supplies on the pavement for April to find and get an idea. #Taliblonde #Djihadn’t

1:17:10 Yes! That’s what this film was missing! April used all the hardware supplies to make a saw hand. Good for sharks, bad for other jobs, unless one wants to become a woman in a short cut. (Still not as good as Rose McGowan’s machine gun peg-leg in Planet Terror.)

1:18:48 WTF!? Fin tells Skye to take April to the bottom of the Empire State Building from the rooftop so he can blow up the top. Yet when his electrical connection becomes undone, he calls Skye to fix it. Maybe he’s trying to kill her.

1:20:07 In a perfect WTF storm, both Skye and Fin are thrown from the top of the skyscraper, unharmed by the explosion of three massive freon tanks. Sky is then bisected by a shark and I was right that Fin wanted her dead.

1:20:46 Sharks are falling from the perfectly clear sky and New Yorkers demonstrate the advantages of gun permits by attacking the sharks with a wide variety of weaponry that would be illegal in a civilised country.

1:22:56 Fin grabs a magically floating chainsaw, lassos a shark, and rides atop it until it becomes skewered on the lightning rod of the Empire State Building.

1:23:54 Fin pulls April’s arm out of the shark (as predicted way back at 0:17:28) with the gun still in the dead hand and shoots the sharks that are falling at him horizontally.

1:24:18 He discards the arm but takes the diamond ring from it, and asks April to marry him again. She agrees and a fireworks truck explodes for the grand FIN-ale.

Roll Credits

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 18 aggressive ones
• When to Follow: A decent sequel to Sharknado, though not nearly bad enough, or as often.

A shout out to my mate Sir Rodney for putting Sharknado on my radar, and to The Asylum for making this masterpiece.

What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of Sharknado

All of my Mockbuster Reviews