Spoiler Alert:

I shall be lighting a fire under John Wick, examining it in a new light and waxing on about its darkness to see if it glows or is just a smokescreen. So read on only if you’ve already seen John Wick, or don’t plan to.

Watch John Wick here

John Wick 02 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Can’t even act naturally

0:01:21 OMFG, in the tradition of Behaving Badly and other films with a boring starting point, John Wick begins with a flash forward. The good news is, it seems John Wick (Keanu Reeves) is dying. Would it kill anyone — other than John — if this was the actual beginning of the film and not just a cheap short-cut to inject a modicum of action?

0:01:51 On his death bed pavement, he watches a selfie video he made of himself kissing his own girlfriend. WTF!?

0:02:17 The opening that was too boring to open with now begins in earnest and, they were right, it is boring.

0:03:16 His Significant Other (Bridget Moynahan as Helen) collapses for no reason. Maybe she’s allergic to wooden things. Like Keanu’s acting.

0:03:22 In the hospital, the doctor unplugs Helen’s life support, making of her a truly ex-wife. That said, she’s not the only one who’s turned off.

0:07:34 WTF!? Helen sends him a puppy from beyond the grave? He should name it ‘Jesus’.

John Wick 03 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Keanu about to demonstrate ‘Dog eat dog’ world

0:11:16 Russians at a petrol station insult him in Russian, but he speaks Russian so he gets the last смеяться.

0:13:28 He drives a motorcar I’m meant to be impressed with on an airport runway. This film though, like his car, refuses to take off.

0:14:42 The Russians show up at his house in the middle of the night and beat him and his dog up. WTF!? It is at this precise moment I start praying the intrigue of this film is not based on a man’s love for his dog and a bloody car.

John Wick 06 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“Don’t smoke cigarettes…or my dog.”

0:24:14 Apparently John Wick was in the Russian Mafia but the Don’s son and car thief / puppy murderer (Alfie Allen as Iosef Tarasov) didn’t know this because of all the wiseguy WTF!? The Don’s son just happened to steal a car from the most dangerous hired gun the Mafia has ever known!? It’s a small underworld.

Viggo Tarasov (Michael Nyqvist): John wasn’t exactly the bogeyman. He was the one you sent to kill the fucking bogeyman.

0:29:54 John wants to kill Iosef, the Don’s son, so a plethora of Russian enforcers descend on John’s house and he eliminates them all. He should’ve fought this hard the first time they came to his house.

0:31:32 As a hitman, he’d make a killing.

John Wick 05 GIF Take a stab (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Taking a stab at it

0:32:51

John [on the telephone]: This is Wick. John Wick, yes, that’s right. I’d like to make a dinner reservation for twelve.

This is the code used in the film to order a clean up crew at a location. “Dinner reservation for twelve” means there are twelve bodies to be disposed of. John’s not the only one with reservations, I’ve got some and they’re quite serious.

0:36:23 Marcus (Willem Dafoe) agrees to kill John Wick for 2,000,000 dollars. It would seem they have history, but that chapter is over.

0:36:40 Marilyn Manson – Killing Strangers

0:44:26 Le Castle Vania – The Red Circle

0:53:41 John kills every Mafioso in a Russian club. BTW, guess what colour the Mafia lackeys’ shirts are. #Red

0:54:38 John gets shot and beaten in the club much worse than he ever did in his house, yet now he can still fight and he bounces right back. Perhaps he cares more about Russian dogs than his dead one.

0:56:42 The doctor makes a house call to the hotel room he’s staying in and offers pain medication. John has a bottle of medicine already, and it starts with the letter ‘whiskey’.

John Wick 04 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Fill ‘er up

0:58:03 Ms Perkins (Adrianne Palicki), a hit-woman, interrupts John during his quiet time by shooting his bed and his walls and his floors. She’s not very good at this business, unless her business is nailing furniture.

1:02:28 John goes into a church and, before he burns all the mob’s money, he makes everyone holey.

1:04:36 Ms Perkins has a message for Directors the world over.

John Wick 07 GIF Memo Meme (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Take a meme, Ms Perkins

1:06:04 John kills Viggo’s entourage until his other son gives him a lift with his car.

John Wick 08 GIF Give ma a lift (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Can you pick me up?

1:06:32 After capturing John, do the Mafia then kill him, which is what they’ve been trying to do for the last half an hour? No, they take him prisoner and ransom him for a stack of WTF!?

1:09:57 Viggo speaking to John Wick.

I’ve been saying this to myself over and over for the past hour.

1:11:08 Marcus takes out the only two guards on John after Viggo leaves. Marcus has only seemingly been hunting John; in fact, he’s been watching over him. I wager Viggo will resent not seeing the killing through to Wick’s end.

John Wick 09 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“Ok, one more time. Pay attention. When the music plays you walk around the chairs, and when it stops you hurry…”

1:13:36

Viggo: SHIT!

Let the regretting commence.

1:14:11 Viggo exchanges his life for his son Iosef’s location and cancelling the contract on John’s life. John could call this an escape clause.

1:14:25 Here’s a ‘hit’ song.

The full video for this killer tune is here.

1:16:52 As John kills Iosef, I can’t shake the feeling that the story of this film was already Taken.

1:19:30 Like Guardians of the Galaxy, the best part of this film is the soundtrack.

1:20:48

Viggo (to Marcus): While it [the contract] was open you had every chance, every opportunity to kill John Wick and if you had done your job my son would be still alive.

You could say the same thing to the mirror, you knob.

John Wick 10 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“About those nose hairs…”

1:22:28 Viggo and Ms Perkins kill Marcus. At least this time Viggo actually killed someone rather than let him escape to exact revenge. It can learn.

1:24:12 Ms Perkins is executed in an idiot’s firing squad for having broken the cardinal rule of the Continental Hotel, which is no fighting. She made her coffin, now she’ll lie in it.

John Wick 11 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Pray the chap across from you doesn’t miss

1:25:14 John absolutely has to return to rub out Viggo. After getting revenge for his dog and his car, of course he must have revenge for his friend. He can’t let a good revenge go to waste.

1:31:53 Viggo dies and John walks off to the scene that began the film, way back when we were still awake.

1:33:51 Lol, he goes to the veterinary hospital (at the Docks!?) to lick his wounds because it hurts like a bitch.

1:34:26 Then he steals a puppy because it reminds him of his wife.

John Wick 12 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Who taught that bitch to drive?

Roll credits

1:34:53

Produced by Eva Longoria.

Well, that explains the ‘desperate’ part.

Tally Ho’

WTF!?’s: 9 burning ones
When to Follow: A lot to do around the house but you still would like to watch a film? John Wick is the prefect background movie: it’s at its best when you listen to the soundtrack and can’t concentrate on the story.
Where’s This Found: I’m gobsmacked this film received as much positive attention as it did. The action is like Keanu’s acting: there’s a lot of it, but it’s repetitive and limited in range. Out of a possible 10, I have 5 F’s to give

5 Fs