Spoiler Alert:

I shall be writing an in depth review forEverly, probing in depth whoEverly really is and analysing each action whatEverly does to determine if it’s Everly so good or like Everly other film out there. So read on only if you’ve already seen Everly, or don’t plan to.

Watch EVERLY here

Everly 02 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“I see what you’re aiming at.”

Synopsis: Everly is a prostitute, property of the Mob boss who fell for her. He learns she’s turning State’s evidence to escape him, so he sends a goon squad to her flat for mayhem and murder. She fights them off, all the while trying to give a bagful of money that magically appeared in her floor to her mother and daughter.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s move on to the good stuff, shall we?

0:04:12 A naked, tattooed and much beaten Everly (Salma Hayek) runs into the toilets and takes a phone and a gun from a plastic bag in the toilet reservoir. She leaves a message (“He knows”) on a police detective’ s voice mail, looks at a picture of her infant daughter and nails the group of men who were nailing her.

0:06:59 There is no way this tummy belongs to a 48-year-old mother. #BellyDouble

Everly 03 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Can’t stomach the truth

0:07:38 All of the mobiles owned by the criminals ring simultaneously. A logo is calling. Everly recognizes it as a bad sign.

0:09:37 The boss of all the dead men calls and tells Everly to open her Christmas present. It’s the head of the detective she was trying to contact in a box. She needs to ask about return policies.

0:10:21 During the exposition call, we learn the evil boss Taiko (Hiroyuki Watanabe) fell in love with his prostitute (Everly) but she betrayed him. People with jealousy issues should not date hookers.

0:11:08 Taiko says he’ll let Maisey (Aisha Ayamah as Everly’s daughter) live long enough to be a prostitute and earn back the money her mother made him lose. Is he forgetting about child labour laws?

Everly 05 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“I’m going to call him ‘Pedo’!”

0:11:36 BTW, the bullet wound Everly received when she was shot in the side doesn’t seem to affect her in the least. It must be on her good side.

0:14:28 Everly calls and warns her mother in time for her mother and daughter to leave their house before the Mafia arrive. As she leaves to meet them, Everly takes a bug-out bag full of money from beneath the floorboards, slips on a pair of tacky high heels and puts a light jacket on over her low cut and bloody négligé. She’s dressed to kill.

Everly 06 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Chose her trainers to match her scabs

0:14:57 A prostitute in the next room (Caroline Chikezie as Zelda) agrees to become a professional hit woman and kill Everly. WTF!? She walked the streets and now she’s cleaning then up? She worked on her back and now she’s stabbing people in it? From the oldest profession to the coldest profession?

0:16:52 Cat fight (Everly fights remarkably well for a woman who’s just been shot) that ends with Everly shooting the other pussy…cat. #EscapeClaws

Everly 13 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Keeping abreasts of the situation

0:17:34 A hooker with blue hair arrives and is shot by a hooker with fuchsia hair who only wants to kill Everly for herself. This is a first for Everly: people are getting paid to screw her and not the other way around.

0:18:42 A blonde hooker arrives to kill Everly as well. It’s a whore rainbow in there.

0:19:06 Fuchsia and Blondie shoot each other. Pink and blonde make red.

0:19:31 Lol, now a brunette in a schoolgirl’s uniform arrives (Gabriella Wright as Anna). It’s a fucking parade. #literally

Everly 08 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Trying to get some more class

0:20:45 After she takes care of her daughter, Everly promises to come back and let the dirty schoolgirl kill her for the reward. Now she’s helping two schoolgirls.

0:21:54

Everly 09 GIF Bird Hunting (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Birds Hunting

0:26:32 The cops arrive and they are more crooked than a bent man’s penis.

0:28:38 A nerdy looking Asian who was shot in the initial shoot-out asks Everly to kill him quickly, before his boss arrives and punishes him. He says he doesn’t enjoy raping and pillaging, but Everly verifies the video the goons were making and sees the Asian is a perv in disguise. She burns the video and leaves the perv to be tortured by the evil boss. I can’t help thinking the film she burned would be more interesting than this one…

Everly 10 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“Stop looking down my cleavage!”

0:30:14 Before Everly can escape the building, the police capture her and throw her back in her flat. I’d suspected all of the action takes place in her flat, and now I see it’s true. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s an interesting concept for an action film, and a prostitute’s room probably sees a lot of action.

0:30:26

There’s no point in squeezing your ass after passing wind.

Nerd perv

WTF!?

0:32:18 Everly has to clean up before her mother comes to pick up the dosh. Reminds me of when I was in uni, minus the dead whores.

I’d love an explanation as to why this film is set at Christmas (Try Hard much?) and why she decides not to clean the blood off the face of the bloke sitting on her sofa: Akie Kotabe as a Dead Man. (Seriously, his character’s name is ‘Dead Man’.)

0:33:43

Cleaning the Wound

0:34:03 Al K Hall near nudity alert.

This is the end

0:38:22 When her mother (Laura Cepeda as Edith) arrives, Everly kills the lift operator with a sai (the weapon Raphael uses in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles).

0:38:56 Dead Man’s face cleaned itself. I wish I had a face like that.

0:46:36 The original gang brought the police detective’s head in a Christmas box, and now Maisey is wandering the flat because Everly placed her in the care of a person who goes by ‘Dead Man’. Guess who finds the package. On the bright side, this is a way for Maisey to get a head in life.

Everly 14 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“I told you not to play in the blood bath!”

0:47:54 Dead Man lives up to the part and, judging from the music, we’re meant to feel sorry for him!? Evidently, I’m more offended that he raped and tortured Everly than she is. That’s awkward.

0:48:16 WTF!? Everly and Edith (who never even knew Dead Man) are so distraught they don’t notice Maisey walking away from where she was standing right beside them, through the front door and into the corridor where an evil dog awaits? It would seem mourning is the most important part of the day.

0:49:08 In a clever move, Everly throws a live grenade and tells Bonsai to fetch the ball. What’s WTF!? is that the goon handling the German shepherd runs after it saying, “No, Bonsai, it’s not a ball!” If he knew it was a grenade and not a ball, why would he chase the dog running to it?

0:51:01 After leaving her daughter and mother with Anna (the whore across the hall), Everly kills all the remaining bad gang.

They’re going down

0:52:22 An Asian Colonel Sanders with a propeller cap dyed into his white hair introduces himself as The Sadist (Togo Igawa). He proceeds to release a bloke who resembles a turkey – The Masochist – from a cage. WTF!? Everly only shoots The Masochist (Masashi Fujimoto). I’m thinking someone who calls himself the Sadist might be a threat as well.

0:53:24 Sure enough, the Sadist blows white smoke on Everly and places her in the Masochist’s cage. This cage seems to cause a great deal of pain, though obviously not as much as a Nicolas Cage.

Everly 17 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“A little lower and to the right!”

0:55:28 The Sadist unpacks his bag of magic potions.

Sulfuric acid

Gasoline

Battery acid

Sodium hydroxide

And this one…

He approaches her menacingly, takes his time using the eyedropper to deposit a drop in her eye and says,

H2O.

If it’s from London, it still could be quite dangerous.

Everly 18 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Raising the bar

0:58:24 Before burning Everly with acid in the thigh, he’s thoughtful enough to pour some on the ropes binding her hands. WTF!? This scene is proof that no one should ever drop acid.

0:58:42 Before he can drop it on her face, Edith (Everly’s mother) comes and shoots one of the assistants. She’s one bad mother.

0:59:51 The Sadist captures Edith and ties her to a chair, where he pours acid down her throat, which causes her to puke her guts out. #literally

Everly 19 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Burns going down

0:59:57 Remember way back in 0:58:24, when I said the Sadist was stupid to put acid in the ropes that bound Everly? It only took this long to validate my WTF!?

1:01:22 The Sadist isn’t really dead because bullets in this film don’t hurt much. He beats on Everly, then turns to Edith. Edith didn’t die from swallowing acid because she spit it out, but swallowed the WTF!? Then she forces the Sadist to drink the acid as well.

Cheers, mother fucker.

Hopefully, it’ll be more fatal for him than the mother.

Everly 20 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“As we say in the brothel, ‘Bottoms up!'”

1:03:40 Taiko has been watching the scene from a flat across the street. He has a sniper take out Everly’s mum for real, and not on a date. He’s not that kind of mother fucker.

1:04:32 Now Everly is as mad as Jell-o.

Everly 21 GIF Jello 1 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

This scene sponsored by jelly

1:04:45

Everly 21 GIF Jello 2 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

This scene sponsored by Santa’s belly

1:05:37 Taiko’s gunman shoots a rocket launcher into Everly’s flat. Taiko doesn’t want her dead so soon, so when Taiko loses his head, so does the sniper. With a sabre.

1:07:48 Everly kills 7 Taiko soldiers in riot gear before getting captured. At least now she’ll be able to take a breather.

1:12:12 There’s a great deal of speeching going on between Taiko and Everly and frankly, I’m dozing a tad. The suspense is spurious because we know Taiko isn’t going to kill Everly. Also, she was tied to a post but Taiko just cut the rope with his sabre. He obviously didn’t learn anything from the Sadist.

Everly 22 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

50 Shades of Gay

1:13:28

Taiko: It’s infinitely more painful to remove a tattoo than it is to receive one. And the same is true for love.

WTF!?

1:16:26 Everly runs a Samurai sword through Taiko. #SheeshKabab

1:19:34 LOL, the Masochist isn’t dead because he was shot with bullets from this film. He kills Anna the prostitute who was looking after Maisey and Maisey isn’t like John Travolta because she actually comes out of the closet. Then the Masochist stalks her with a cleaver. Considering all of the pain he’s trying to inflict, he’s a terrible Masochist.

Everly 23 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

“Please move, you’re blocking the corridor.”

1:20:16 For the third time in this film, someone off-camera suddenly shoots an imminent threat. This time Everly shoots the Masochist. Which, I guess, means he dies happy.

1:23:57

1:26:26 The real SWAT team arrives and take Maisey while the EMTs save Everly, but not the time I spent on this film. That’s gone forever.

Tally Ho’

WTF!?’s: 15 Everly so special ones
When to Follow: Friday night first film, as a warm up to the main event.
Where’s This Found: The idea of a huis clos action film is unique, and there is a great deal of action. Unfortunately, much of it is repetitive (how many dead prostitutes does it take to fill a flat?) and the enormous quantity of WTFs!? (Where did she acquire the bag of money? Who is Maisey’s father?) distract from the gratuitous filming of Salma Hayek’s cleavage. Out of a possible 10, I have # 6 F’s to give

6 F's 139pt